- Member Since 16th Dec, 2012
- offline last seen 14 hours ago
The Lost Winchester
"Just take those old records off the shelf, I'll sit and listen to 'em by myself." Just your average friend that likes ponies, good music and write horse words.
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Interesting.
6008642 (nods head) This has an interesting start. Shall we see where this goes?
6008788 Yes please.
More!!!
Wow. I only hope they won't appear somewhere in 'murica, that has been done way too often.
Following!
more
6010167
6010167
6012884
Oh boy
A steampunk PoE story. Well this should be fun.
btw I found a little error here:
Yeah! London! Let's see how this will play out!
Well, if there wouldn't be a way back, this would definitely need the 'sad' tag, but you avoided it in a nice way... more or less
'Tis Awesome!
6035412 Glad you like it
6052437 Thanks
This interest me I will se what will come next
6067952 Glad you like it and thanks for the fave
Missing a ” there.
Talking sandwiches!
Better: "I'm curious to know what you do here in your world; this place looks pretty expensive, like a luxury apartment in Manehattan."
1. " and ” for the same sentence. Watch out for that. It happens more often than you'd think.
2. He doesn't stumble over the name "Manehattan". He isn't curious or concentrated on what she says, is he?
I would feel uncomfortable now if I were Luna.
???
You would use the past here, wouldn't you?
1. If you keep up messing " and ” up, I'll scream "EXTERMINATE!" the next time I find such an error...
2. "it is the least I can do" would be correct... wouldn't it?
EXTERMINATE!
I told you...
I apologise for this comment, I am not even a native speaker but write such crappy comments about language and grammar and stuff...
EDIT: Oh, I forgot. 6070185 He is right. Watch out for clichés.
6070185 Hey, this kind of comments is what I need, that will help me to get better on my wrinting skills, I thank you for that. I can't promise that this story will free out of cliches, but I'll try to keep them at bay.
6070872 You made my night with the one of the talking sandwiches
. I'm not a native of the language either, that's why I still have some issues as you have notice, my dear friend. That's why I would like you to be my proofreader or editor, what do you say?
P.S. vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/theamazingworldofgumball/images/0/08/Dalek_exterminate.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20121115000118
Lovely idea, and writing! I love the aspect of Luna getting stuck on Earth (It always seems to be Twi stuck here, so Lulu getting stuck instead is fab-u-lous!)
6010167 You could always write your own story where the go to a different country instead of bitching about it being set in the States? How 'bout doing that?
6191670 I am sorry if it sounded like I am bitching. I was, and am, just hoping. I do not want to influence you (at least not this time, it is your story after all and you didn't ask for advice yet
).
And about writing: I can't keep myself concentrated long enough to finish my projects. One of them is a MLP-fan-fiction, one an Arma-2-MLP-mod... I could list more. So, technically, I have already begun my fan-fiction, but I fear I have to rewrite it from scratch because I don't like how it plays out and I don't like the current setting.
I like this story,please do more chapters
Welp the Doctor shows up...we have confirmed Nazi sightings, and Luna ate flowers.
Let's do this shit.
The timeline is before the WW 2 ?
Nice, it is interessting, but i am not sure how much i really like it, i have to read more.
I am a bit wary about the guy at the end, but i like the other people till now, and the story of course.
6349637 Thanks and yes, this one took a long amount of time, I hope that the next chapter don't take that long to be ready
.
6349707 You can say that yes, is the Doctor but not "The Doctor"
.
6353274 Let's say that the story is set between 1931-1932
(WW 2 began on 1939).
6354169 Glad you like it, hope that you stay till the end
.
6355868 well The Nazi party already existed by that time, and the way those two talked showed to much Aryane pride which was a bit suspicious since germans couldnt show much pride since the treaty of versalles that was really humillating. Besides asking for weapons is not something that nornal germans of that time would do but a pruvate party would.
So this is another question we will hear from the moustacho man?
I LOVE THIS STORY please tell me you are going to write more because this story is AMAZING, I LOVE IT
Can't wait for the next chapter and the chapter after that and so on...
MY rating of this story 10
out of 10
Hope that you are still writing this story
Gg.
A little tip though;
I notice you do this with your dialogues. Your dialogue and It's 'descriptor' should be on the same line, otherwise the story loses it's flow. What it should look like is this:
More examples within your story:
"Good to know that, but where are my manners? Jack Remington." He said, extending a hand; the old man took it, giving it a firm shake.
"Luna, I'm home." Jack said as he closed the door.
6490497 Thanks a lot for the advice, I will correct that im the future chapters
.
NOW I know you must be busy BUT could you please continue and finish writing this well written story
"search through the books for any material that could serve as a reference."
...I see what you did there.
Missing a closing " here.
"Jack, mein Freund!" You could add "Wie geht es dir?" or "Wie geht es Ihnen?", depending on how formal you want him to address Jack.
*it
Ah, but that's where you're wrong, my dear Aryan friend.
What does Aryan mean or stand for?
Uhm... what does the name stand for, if I may ask?
...arms?
After all, an exciting chapter again. Who is this Herr Krause? What will that Doctor character do? A lot of open questions and an interesting plot. What is left to do is to correct some errors here and there, and we have an almost perfect story (nopony is perfect, but it isn't bad to strive for perfection. Just don't overdo it).
EDIT: Wait, did they already have refrigerators in the 30s?
Are you still writing this story?
6576645 Hi, first, sorry for this delayed answer, life decided to give me some action, that's why I've been away from this, also, thanks a lot for those advices, I will correct the chapter.
Now, regarding to your doubts (feeling a little like Purple Smart
):
Answer 1: If my history classes were correct, Aryan is a term used by the Nazi party in reference to their "superior" race, also, is term that can be used by any social group with those kind of radical ideals.
Answer 2: Zehirli is a turkish word meaning toxic, poisonous or venomous, I needed a name for the character and I was looking for something that could give her some personality, I can say that she fits perfectly with it.
Answer 3: About the refrigetators on the 30's, yes, they already have them, of course not as modern as the ones we own today. They called them ice boxes and were viewed as a luxury item, only the "rich" families could acces to them.
6676295 I know it's been a long long time since the last chapter, but you don't have to worry, in fact I'm still working in this story, in fact I have the next full chapter written by now, I'm just editing some parts here and there, also, I took a little time to write that other short story and part of the next chapter of my Bioshock Infinite crossover.
I promise that you will have the next update in this week.
6681662 ah, thanks
Bro I refreshed the page and you updated, and I was just about to leave to.
Anyways, good to see you back, it's been a while.
...she isn't exactly young...
Woah, watch out. I'm pretty sure they weren't being called cops at that time. And this is Great Britain, or am I wrong? In that case you'd call them Police Constables.
*flips table* Woohoo! The Doctor!
*in Tartarus; also, missing a closing " there.
Overall, a fresh, nice chapter. The awakening in the morning will certainly shock Jack
OH SHIT
I DIDN'T SEE THAT ENDING COMING
Luna gon be jelly.
Also,
Heh, seems like what happened with my story this week.
Lunar new year for the win!
... and Luna changed herself into a human. I am going to drop this story.
Nice to see this update.
I hope that Luna's change is just temporal. Other than that, I find this story really good.
First off, I liked the first half of the chapter very much, with all the things happening and the progress we have here. The end... well, some random errors I encountered first:
Hm. I feel the term yelled is more appropriate here, as screamed was used shortly before this.
Errr... I think it should be: "Did the Princess not talk with you about it yesterday?" Turner asked.
Huh, nobody missing in on that? That would include him... common usage would be "the customers", as far as I know.
Missing a full stop here (this-> . ).
Missing a closing " here.
I don't guarantee that anything of the above is right, I'm writing this at 23:30h (11:30 PM).
...
no, just no. Why have Luna transform to a human? 
It would've been interesting to see her being to transform to an actual pony (as she might be more comfortable with that and it's not suspicious at all in that era).
And introducing plot device "magical earrings", that you could almost call a deus ex machina at the same time... nah, I don't buy this.
But the twist of him having a fiancée, oh snap! Jack, this evening will be longer than you have thought...
Anyway, let's see where this leads to!
6969867 Once again, thanks a lot for the advices my friend
. It seems that this chapter was a "jump the shark" event with Luna turning into a human 
and to many of you it didn't like it at all so I'll have to deal with it in the next chapter 
.
P.S.: Looks like so far no one has noticed a little datail in this chapter
, or if you did, you just simply ignored it
... I won't say no more about it
.
6977635 ...should I be worried now?
...but first, I've gotta go to work! 
And, argh! I'll need to re-read this then