Atelier Equestria

by Kris The Kris

So, a Bunch of Alchemists Wander into an Eldritch Abomination's Shop…

Shallie hummed as she leaned on her broom with Yuri covering his face to hide his snickers, staring at Logy hiding in a bush in the Canterlot Garden. “So… How’d you get stuck this time?”

“Learning how to fly, the hell do you think?” Logix replied, snark obvious in his voice.

“But you don’t even have a broom!” Shallie whined, walking over and pulling him out.

Yuri just kept snickering, getting cut off when something landed on his head.

Logix huffed and waved his sword, “Magical swords, but no, I got knocked out of the window by Luna on accident,” He said, pointing up at a rather high window.

“Well, you should just stop trying to seduce her.” Shallie pointed out. “She’s still rather shaken after getting free.”

“I’m not trying to seduce her! I just figured out that she liked me!” Logix snapped, crossing his arms with a huff.

Yuri took the thing, now revealed to be a phone off of his head. he pressed the quick dial button and put it to his ear.

“But isn’t that bestiality?” Shallie tilted her head, knowing full well the anthroness of the ponies.

“Guys, I might-” Yuri said, holding up a finger.

“I don’t even- You know what, no, you’re not pulling this crap on me, I just got out of a rusting statue and I have a headache from falling, don’t start!” Logix said, rubbing his temples.

“Guys, please stop arguing-”

“I have headaches everyday, man. Plus, I got trapped in a ruin for a couple years hunting for one item from a monster.

“GUYS!” Yuri snapped.

“WHAT?!” Logy and Shallie snapped, looking over at Yuri with an exasperated expression.

“I might have accidentally contacted an alien or universe traveler,” Yuri held up the phone.

“...What.” Shallie squeaked.

“Yuri… Who let you near the brownies again?” Logy asked slowly, giving him an odd look before noticing the phone, “...Is that an Iphone?”

Yuri gave a small glare to Logy before nodding.

“Sooooo, we might be getting company soon?” Shallie asked.

A quiet noise filtered into the garden through the phone.

Vwaaaaaaaaaaa...

All three of the displaced looked to the phone, Yuri slowly putting it on the ground and backing away.

The noise repeated, slightly louder, this time coming from seemingly nowhere.

Vwaaaaaaaaaaaa

“...Is that a vuvuzela?” Logix asked with a grimace.

Shallie and Yuri started covering their ears. “Noooo, not the sound! I hate the sound!” Shallie was flipping out a little.

One final burst of sound, this time accompanied by blaring dubstep, laser lights, a fog cloud, confetti, MLG airhorns, and one bishonen human, wearing an ensemble of leather and spikes.

VWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Yuri kept backing up, while Shallie took out her broom, “MUST STOP NOISE!” She swung her broom at the human.

Logix slid a crystal into his odd glove and took aim at the man, “Stop the vuvuzelas! Or I fire!”

The sound continued, the human standing atop the phone doing nothing but grinning an infuriating grin and bowing a mocking bow. Somehow, his mocking reply was heard even above the ruckus.

“Try me.”

“...Screw the crystal,” Logix muttered, sliding out a glowing purple knife with an alchemical symbol on it which he stabbed into the ground and formed… a mud pie with it? He picked it up and threw it at the man.

Shallie just kept hitting the guy,

Yuri rubbed his head before starting to walk back.

Aaron rolled his eyes and deflected everything in a quiet explosion of shadows, reverting back to his natural form in a split second. “Alright, alright, I’ll stop.”

“Well, I was about to ask.” Yuri looked a little dejected.

Shallie gave a deep sigh, uncovering her ears.

Aaron shrugged, “Alright, introductions. I’m Aaron Heibai, extradimensional shopkeeper and probably the most powerful being that you’ll ever meet. You have summoned me via my sweet-ass smartphone. Would you like to browse my wares?”

“Question, are you human?” Logix asked, warily watching Aaron.

A raised…. uh… eyebrow? was the only reply, the shadow-being’s face glowing brighter in response.

“Ok, better question, were you a human?” Logix asked, rolling his eyes.

“Eh… sorta. I was a human… then a shadow… then a Void Dweller… then a being of near omnipotence… now I’m back to being a Void Dweller. So, yes, actually.”

“In that case sure! I’ll take a look at your shop, just the last time someone offered something like this it was a demon who didn’t know what a human was,” Logix grumbled, moving over to Aaron.

“We beat him up though.” Shallie grinned, Yuri putting a hand on her head.

“Wonderful! You probably won’t regret this!” Aaron cheerfully pulled open a door that simply hadn’t been there a second ago, ushering Logix inside.

“If I find anything related to tentacles I’m turning around instantly,” Logix said to Aaron as he entered.

“You just jinxed us, you know that.” Yuri pointed out, walking in with Shallie skipping behind him.

“If I find a book on summoning things I’ll buy it for Luna or something,” Logix snorted, ignoring what Yuri said.

Aaron paused and floated up into the air. “Uh… there’s, well, there might be a small problem concerning tentacles… Well, if you stay out of the Adult Section, you should be fine, but be wary when opening pre-made summoning scrolls… some of them are… volatile.”

Yuri grabbed Shallie before she get away. “No adult stuff for you.”

“But I’m over a thousand years old!”

“I don’t care.” Yuri started dragging her along with him.

Logix merely chuckled and moved off into the shop, picking up an occasional book to skim through.

Shallie was crying as she was dragged. “But I want the stuff!”

Aaron chuckled and took up a watchful spot at the front desk, idly skimming through a magazine.

---

Shallie ran right up, carrying quite a few bottles of different items and a couple brooms.

Yuri followed Shallie, carrying a bag of gels and an unusual red-purple sword with a hollow center.

Logix moved towards the front with a small cut on his cheekbone, holding 3 spellbooks, a odd black staff, and… A Galatine from Warframe.

Aaron looked up, stacks of magazines and other literature engulfing the front desk in an incredibly intricate and well made castle. “So, I see all of us have been busy.”

Logix groaned, “I opened one of these books to find a summoning rite that’s activated by any magic. I got a cut in response. This is Luna’s.” He said, holding out the book that had a lock on it.

“I got all the rare alchemy items and some new brooms.” She dumped all the items. “Oh, and a new hat.” She pulled out a black velvet newsboy cap.

“I got some gels for healing and this sweet sword,” Yuri hummed, gesturing to his sword. “I would get some clothes but I have this strange ability to change in random costumes whenever I want. It’s weird but I love it.”

“The other two are books on ancient alchemy so I can learn how to do use alchemy without a sword, the staff feels like it had darkness in it, so I like it, and the sword is the Galatine from Warframe, best game in my opinion,” Logix said, laying his items on the table.

“Interesting choices. Will that be all?”

“I think so.” Shallie muttered, scratching her head under her hat.

“I guess,” Yuri replied.

“Indeed,” Logix nodded.

Aaron smiled and dispelled his magazine-castle, motioning them over to the cash register.

“So, what kind of currency do you take, or will you take jobs in exchange because I’m a master alchemist.” Shallie spoke up.

Logix simply dumped a bag of alchemic knives and armor on the table, “Here’s my payment,”

Aaron swept half the pile under the table and held out a receipt. “Thank you for your time, here’s your receipt.”

Shallie took the receipt and handed it to Logix. “Thanks.”

“No problem.” Aaron leaned back in his chair and smiled indulgently.

Logix smiled and nodded, “Keep the rest, I have way too many,”

Shallie had one question. “So, what’s with the phone?”

Aaron paused and stuck a finger up in a lecture pose. “Well, the thing is…. are any of you familiar with the Multiverse at this point?”

“I know the multiversal theory from earth but that’s it,” Logix said with a shrug.

“Yeah, I RPed with Yuri all the time about it on Earth.” Shallie rubbed her head.

“What she said,” Yuri pointed a finger to Shallie.

“Never knew these people before I got sent here,” Logix said, shrugging again.

Aaron dropped his head, literally, into his hands and sighed, tossing his head back and forth as he spoke. “Okay, well the Multiverse is this great big thing with a bunch of smaller things, Universes, inside it. That’s about all you need to know about the whole of it. As pertaining to my sweet-ass phone, there are people known as Displaced, humans that bought something or another from some douchebag Merchant and got sent, usually, to Equestria. Usually as something pertaining to the item they bought. They have Tokens, objects that can be used to summon said Displaced whenever necessary. Mine is a special case, since I only really give it out to people on a case by case basis, whereas most Displaced have it just spread to all corners of the Multiverse. Point is, you can call me with the phone and I’ll be there pretty much within the next five seconds. Probably.”

“So there might be other versions of us out there?” Shallie asked.

“Can we make these token things as well?” Logix asked, idly rubbing a small plate of metal shaped like a shield on a belt pouch.

Aaron nodded, “Yeah, sure, whaddaya want to make?” His head was now bobbing around, his body was nowhere to be found.

Shallie looked up. “...Oh my god, you’re the headless merchant!” She cried out before Yuri lightly hit her in the head.

“.... Bodiless. I’m the bodiless merchant at this point.” Aaron deadpanned, smacking Shallie upside the head with his six foot long braid.

“Uhhhh…” Logix said with a confused expression.

Shallie gave a small whine before grabbing one of her new brooms. “Sorry, my mind’s weird when thinking.”

“Isn’t your mind always weird?” Yuri asked.

“Noooooo!” Shallie huffed. “Sometimes I think about normal stuff too!”

“No. No you don’t Shallie,” Logix snorted.

“You’re both mean!” She started hitting them both on the head with her broom. “Why’d I give you two immortality again?”

“Hell if I know! You did it to me in my sleep! Besides the fact that you’re really not a good candidate for knowing how to give someone immortality,” Logix groaned.

“I made my girlfriend immortal in her sleep.” Aaron mumbled, stacking his head atop Logix’s and clamping on with finger-like spiderlegs.

“...Please get off, you remind me of a Half-Life 2 headcrab,” Logix shivered.

“Mwehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe.” Aaron smirked and wrapped his braid around Logix’s neck like a scarf, using it as a leverage point to extend upwards and grow a new body from his neck stump, arms growing out first and then the rest of his body growing out laterally until he was perched in a perfect handstand on Logix’s head.

“NO! NO! NO! NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!” Logix flailed, throwing Aaron off of his head, into the nearby bush.

“Am I the only slightly normal one here?” Yuri groaned, watching this.

“Nope~ You might be insane in the head too.” Shallie hummed.

Aaron’s head popped out of Logix’s shirt collar, wearing a purple top hat with an ace of spades stuck in the hatband. “We’re all mad here,” Aaron giggled, slipping out of Logix’s shirt like a snake and curling down onto the floor and slithering to a stand.

“I’m sane but if this insanity keeps up I’ll lose my sanity!” Logix said, throwing his arms up into the air before walking off for a few minutes before running back out and towards the area the others with an extremely pale and somewhat disturbed visage, “Never again…”

“And this is why I never recommend wandering around without a clear goal in mind~” Aaron sing-songed creepily, his double toned, echoing voice giving him an air of total fucking holy shit.

“Why is the adult section on the first floor?” Logix asked, weakly.

“Because life hates you?” Yuri suggested with a snigger. “That or it’s telling you to ask Luna on a date already.” .

Logix looked to Yuri with a confused expression, “Why would I do that?”

Aaron sniggered and called from the five trillionth floor up, “SHE WANTS THE D~!”

Shallie joined in. “She doooooooo~!”

Yuri just pointed to Aaron and Shallie. “What they said. Plus, whenever I talk to her, it’s always about you.”

“Eh?” Logix said, tilting his head, somehow already having forgotten what Luna had said to him.

“....” Aaron reappeared behind Logix and dumped a vial of pink liquid on him. “There. If that doesn’t make her jump his bone, I dunno what will.”

“OH GOD THE HELL IS THIS?!” Logix shouted quickly trying to get the liquid off of his body. It did not work. At all.

“What did you do?” Yuri lazily asked.

“Weeeeellllll…. I dumped a specialized form of aphrodisiac/pheromone/perfume on him that’ll make Luna go absolutely fucking wild for his D. I also dumped a vial of a similar liquid on Luna, whiiiich has the similar effect of making Logix go absolutely fucking wild for her V.” Aaron smirked, “I am the master of dumping aphrodisiacs on people.”

Shallie had a simple question. “Isn’t that rape?”

“I HAVE TO BURN MY FAVORITE SET OF CLOTHES NOW! AND SIT IN A SCALDING SHOWER FOR HOURS! YOU TERRIBLE TERRIBLE PERSON!” Logix shouted, flailing his arms a bit.

“Mnyeh~!” Aaron stuck out his eldritch tongue, tendrils flailing and squirming as the hit open air.

Logix jumped back, accidentally slamming his back into the wall next to the door with a slightly less disturbed look on his face than before.

Shallie and Yuri backed away from Aaron with a NOPE look on their faces.

“Um, can we get back on topic before this ends in…. all sorts of nope?” Yuri asked.

The tongue that may or may not have literally been from hell flailed around a little more before retracting into Aaron’s mouth as he grinned a mostly normal grin. “Sure.”

Shallie took out a broom. “I want this to be my Token!”

Logix was fumbling with a small bag that was tied shut before he pulled it open and dumped what looked like a few small chunks of gold tumbled, “Would you please get rid of that stuff that you put on me and Luna? Please?” he sounded a bit desperate as he asked this.

“Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-” As Aaron had no need to breathe, he droned his single word on for the next five minutes, never once changing expression as he droned on and on. “-iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine."

“Do you have a giant pot? I want to go make my Token real quick!” Shallie asked.

“Yeah yeah, it’s to the left.” Aaron stretched his arm around a corner and pointed out a large cauldron, simultaneously snapping his other hand and removing the pink liquid from Logix.

Shallie ran over and started throwing in items, starting to stir it up.

Yuri took off his golden bracelet. “Can my blastia be my Token?”

Logix sighed, “Thank you Aaron,”

“You’re welcome, Logix. And yes, Yuri.”

“How do I do it again?” Yuri asked.

“Think of a phrase, strangely named one.”

“... Can I do it later?” Yuri asked, looking a bit put off.

There was an explosion from the area Shallie was in. “It worked!” She walked away holding something fluffy and adorable and holding a dagger. “I made my Token~”

“....That has got to be the fluffiest Token.” Aaron mused, grabbing it with two hands and ripping it violently into the original and a copy. Another pair of hands threw the original Token into a portal to the Void as another pair tossed the copy into a portal to Jupiter.

Shallie and Yuri looked horrified and slightly traumatized.

Logix shrugged, “Eh.”

“So….. why?” Shallie asked in a tiny voice.

It was that moment when one of them fell out of a ripple in the air onto Logix’s head, “...Too fluffy,” he said, throwing the token at Shallie.

From high, high above, Jupiter squealed in joy, her voice audible even from where she sat on the five quintillionth, eight hundred millionth floor, “IT’S SO FLUFFY I’M GONNA DIE!”

Shallie started hugging the homunculi close. “So fluffy~” She hummed. “Your name’s Pepe~”

“Alright, what about the rest of you two fluff heads?” Aaron asked, tossing around a severed Hitler skull.

“I’ll wait until I can think of something to say…” Yuri muttered.

“Uh, I guess so,” Logix said, pulling the small shield shaped piece of metal off of his bag and held it out, focusing whatever energy he could into it, and stopped for a bit, “Wait, do we say something as well?”

“If’n ya want.” Aaron waved a hand, opening another portal to the Void.

Logix nodded and looked back to his piece of metal and spoke up, “I am Logix Fiscario, Alchemical Blacksmith, call upon me when you need to be armed for things to come,” he finished and tossed the piece of metal into the portal Aaron opened.

“Now what?” Shallie asked, Yuri still looking at his future Token.

“Get dress-boy to hurry the fuck up with his Token. Fucking twat I don’t have all day y’know.”

“Yes you do.” Some female called up from above.

“GET BACK TO WORK, YOU PART TIME BITCH OF A SLAVE,” Aaron shouted, waving his fists and generally just flailing around in an incomprehensible eldritch manner.

“Only if you give cookies or a raise!” the voice called back.

“I ALREADY PAY YOU SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS AN HOUR YOU FUCKING MERCENARY. WHAT MORE DO YOU FUCKING WANT!?”

“Cookies.”

“FUCKING FINE. DROWN IN THEM, THEN.” And lo, the seventeenth floor exploded in a wave of various types of cookies.

“That voice sounds familiar…” Shallie muttered.

Yuri sweatdropped. “That sounded like Shallie.”

“Cookies~!”

Logix sweatdropped as well, “Please don’t let there be another Shallie!”

Aaron added another sweatdrop to the chain, “Uh… well… y’see…. hehe...”

“Oh goddammit it is isn’t it!” Logix said, frantically looking for the exit.

“Should we leave before we cause a time paradox?” Yuri asked, looking around worriedly.

“Meh. Wouldn’t be the first time there was a time paradox in here.” Aaron muttered, buffing his nails on his shirt.

Yuri grabbed Shallie by the arm. “We’re leaving.” He started dragging her away.

Logix warily grabbed the items he bought and followed them away.

“Alright then~ Oh, but before I forget…..” Aaron trailed off, grabbing Yuri’s blastia and throwing it in the portal as they left. “Oh, and one more thing….”

With all the speed of a professionally thrown fastball, Aaron flung a black diamond directly into the back of Logix’s head, one with a note taped on it. The force of impact somehow carried the three of them from his shop and back to where they were before, doors closing and disappearing behind them. “Byyyyyeeee~”

“MOTHERFUCK!” Logix yelled, grabbing the back of his head, glaring behind him.

Shallie picked up the token. “Ooooh, shiny!”

“I am the protector of the innocent, warrior of the weak, call upon me for assistance and I shall come. Call for the Gravity Shifter and I will make those who harm others beg for mercy as they are crushed at my feet. Hold this gem close to thine heart and I shall be at your side as a fellow warrior!”

She quickly put it in her bag and ran away from both the boys, snickering loudly. Shallie had an evil idea.

Yuri put an arm on Logy’s shoulder. “You should run, by the way.”

Logix shivered and nodded a bit before sprinting off into the garden, and could be seen actually vaulting over the edge of the wall, leaving the castle without being noticed by guards.

Yuri shook his head before walking toward the castle.

Author's Note:

Kris: Told you I’d make it better!

Lunar: Poor poor Logix, he doesn’t know what’s coming for him.

Jsyrin: Aaron is the master of trolling people with weird antics. Muahaha. (aphrodisiacs as well apparently -Lunar)

Cat: Why is Yuri the slightly sane one? (Because he doesn’t hang around near Ponyville - Kris)