Gary A. Stewart, aka Agent BlndDog: Humanity Perfected (an autobiography)

by BlndDog

The kickass middle bit

Gary was no killing changelings as much as punting, punching and hurling them into orbit.

The laser in Lyra's hooves burned red hot as she hit one changeling after another, making them explode like gooey water balloons. It was hard to aim with Gary moving around so much, but the changelings were swarming so thick it was hard to miss.

Lyra was still a little groggy. The last thing she remembered was following a tall bipedal figure towards a blue portal. Everything after was like a hazy dream.

Changelings again? she thought. I thought that thing at the wedding would keep them away for a few months at least.

After half a day of fighting Gary did not looked tired. But then, the changeling horde did not dwindle either. It seemed they were doomed to fight forever.

Suddenly a new sound cut through the commotion; a low hum at first, suddenly exploding into a rapid chain of deep tones. The changeling squeaked as they were shot FULL OF HOT LEAD! YEAH!

Sorry

Noticing the sudden change, the remaining drones scattered, but not without a few angry hisses at the giant armored man covered in changeling slime.

Lyra and Gary turned together towards the source of the noise.

"Great Odin's Ravens!" Gary gasped. "Is that..."

A magnificent purple alicorn stood at the edge of the square, her horn and eyes glowing with a powerful aura. Her golden horseshoes and gem-encrusted breastplate were dulled from use, and the tip of her crown was crumpled. Floating beside her were a pair of smoldering Gatling guns, both still connected to obscenely long bullet chains. Her teeth were exposed up to the gums in an angry scowl.

Slowly the guns rotated to face Gary.

"Twilight?" Gary said slowly, reaching out with an open hand. "Twilight, it's me! Anon! Well, technically that's my middle name... I'm married to Fluttershy! Don't you remember?"

The guns began to cycle, slowly at first.

Suddenly Lyra felt Gary's strong hand on her back. She was thrown not too gently behind the gigantic man, who stood his ground.

"Twilight, what happened?" Gary asked as the noise of the guns grew louder and louder. "Why are you so big? Where are the rest of your friends? I just got here a few hours ago!"

Tears welled up in Twilight's glowing eyes. The guns dropped to the ground, and she looked down at her hooves.

Gary approached slowly, with both hands held open in front of him. When he was within reach he put one hand on Twilight's mane. Lyra came up behind him, with the laser floating in her own levitation spell in case the drones returned.

"What kept you?" Twilight said quietly, shaking off Gary's hand.

"What do you mean?" Gary asked. "I went back to Earth no more than..."

"Five hundred years!" Twilight screamed, pushing Gary back with a blast of her magic. "Fluttershy waited for you! To her last day she waited for you! They're all dead, Anon! Every one of them! And now you're back, with your muscles and brains and sick martial arts moves! Why are you here?"

The laser dropped to the ground. Lyra fell on her side, her mouth slack and her eyes wide open.

No. No! Nononono! That can't be right! I...

A single tear rolled down her cheek, falling onto the slimy ground and disappearing instantly. She began to tremble. Twilight was still talking; screaming, in fact, but Lyra could not understand a single word.

Gary walked over to her. He took off his vambrace and gloves and gently picked up the distraught unicorn. He petted her mane gently as he spoke. His eyes were glistening with sadness, and his powerful heart pounded, but he refused to succumb.

"Twilight," he said, putting his left hand on the alicorn's folded wing. "I know you. I know you have a plan. You always have a plan. So what is it?"

"It'll never work," Twilight said.

"You're telling me that with your planning and my brute strength we can't do anything about this?" Gary deadpanned. "The Twilight I knew would never give up. Not when Equestria hangs in the balance. Now, what do you want me to do?"

Twilight took a few deep breaths and looked to the horizon with a new fire in her eyes.

"The Elements of Harmony are gone," Twilight said. "Long story, maybe I can tell you later. The Royal Guards are captured or scattered, and I don't think any civilians escaped from Canterlot. We need to act fast. The Changelings have a new Queen: Chrysalis II. She's bigger, tougher, and craftier than the first. Princess Celestia and Princess Luna are imprisoned in the throne room, and so is Flash Sentry."

"Your personal guard?" Gary said, his perfect brows furrowed in concentration as he tried to recall details from his pervious visit.

"My husband," Twilight said flatly.

"Oh," Gary said. "Okay, so I go up to that castle there and open up a big can of whup ass! Easy!"

"Oh Anon," Twilight said with a knowing, almost motherly smile.

"Call me Gary, okay?" Gary interrupted. "Anon's my middle name. My friends don't call me that, and you're my friend. Please, just call me Gary."

"Okay Gary," Twilight said. "I was like you once, you know. So intelligent, yet just a hair short of the mark. There's an logical and much easier solution to our conundrum."

Putting one hoof to her lips, Twilight blew a mighty whistle.

A roar answered her, loud enough to snap Lyra out of her torpor. Gigantic membranous wings blocked out the sky. Iridescent purple scales shone in the light of dusk, and long green crests flared across the dragon's back. In each hand he held a changeling. Reaching the peak of his flight, he threw them at the ground. They struck the hard street in fiery fireballs.

"Is that..." Gary's eyes reflected the green flames that exploded from the dragon's mouth.

"Spike, at your service," said the drake as he landed. His voice had become a mellow baritone with age. Hos eyes were as big as serving plates.

"Spike, I need your help," Twilight said, flying up to the dragon's shoulder.

"Wait a minute," Spike interrupted, lowering his head to street level to look closely at Gary.

Lyra turned her face into Gary's chest and began shaking.

"Yes, it's Anon," Twilight said. "Now, as I was saying..."

She lifted Spike's ear flap and whispered her plan. Spike's crests flared in excitement, and a mischievous smile curled his lips.

"Ah, I see," he said. "Gary, is it? Good to have you back. Now come on."

He lowered his head and gestured toward his long neck. After a moment Gary realized the dragon's intention.

"You can't be serious," he said.

"You're the one that asked," Twilight said, settling down between two of Spike's back spines. "Come on, Spike knows what he's doing."

Gary held tight to Lyra as the dragon took off. The wind rustled his hair as the ruins of Canterlot slowly receded below him. Gary kept his face set, but deep down he was giddy as a schoolboy on Christmas Morning.

In less than a minute the party passed the castle gate. The royal garden was black with changelings. Spike breathed a giant burst of fire to make them disperse.

"Okay, just let us down in the garden," Twilight said.

"Hey, Twilight," Spike said, looking upwards at the ivory towers. "You remember that thing I always wanted to do, but you never let me?"

"What?" Twilight's eyes widened in horror. "Spike, no! Not right now!"

Suddenly the dragon angled upwards. Gary held onto Spike's slippery scales for dear life, while Twilight took off from the dragon's back and took Lyra in a levitating spell.

Spike landed on the peak of the tower, kicking off roughly half of the shingles.

"I am the Uberdragon!" He hollered, flaring out his wings and raising his fists above his head.

Looking down, Gary saw the glass ceiling of the throne room beneath him.

Well, it's not the first time.

He let go of the dragon and fell. As the surface came closer, he drew his sword and gritted his teeth. There were changelings inside, and ponies glued to the floor with sickly green mounds of changeling slime.

"I'm coming for you, Chrysalis," Gary said under his breath.

Twilight was still hovering overhead, looking down with a horrified expression. Lyra kicked in midair, as if she wanted to join Gary in his majestic fall.

Looking up, Gary smiled and gave the ponies a thumb up.