Differences

by xainkrif

Fear that lasts

My eyes sprung open. Startled by the noise, I scanned the area in front of me. Nothing in sight. Just as I lay my head back down, another crash could be heard. This time i sat up, a little shaken by the sound. "Fluttershy?" I called, but got no answer. Determined to find out what was making all the racket, I stood up carefully and got by balance. "Fluttershy?" I said a little more loudly, but the attempt was in vain. Another loud clash could be heard. Sighing, I slowly walked towards the noise. What should have taken me less than a minute, took what seemed like an eternity. It was like as I got closer to the noise, the farther away the noise seemed. Walking step by step, I finally reached where I thought was the origin of the sound. I should have slept upstairs.

Out the corner of my eye, I saw something moving. It has a strange aura around it, almost evil in appearance. I slowly turned my head towards what was there. All I saw was a smile. The same smile that I've seen hundreds of time. The same smile that was in my dreams. It was that black mass. Scared for my life I screamed. "Fluttershy! Fluttershy! Fluttershy!" I yelled as I attempted to move away from the mass in front of me. I finally reached a corner and curled up into a ball. The mass started to get closer, chuckling and snickering with every inch. Facing the inevitable, I started to cry in fear. The black mass stopped inches from me. Its head stretched down towards and I opened my eyes. The mouth opened and darkness engulfed me.

I opened my eyes to find myself laying on the ground. I stood up realizing that I was my old self again. I looked around. I was back on Earth. Confused and scared, I started to walk towards what looked like a bus stop. Sitting on the bench to recollect myself, I noticed someone walking down the road. I quickly stood up and motioned for the person to notice me. The person stopped moving exactly in front of me. His eyes opened up and an evil smile ensured. Then the mass extruded from the person's body. Spiraling upwards towards the sky, the mass then proceeded to barrel towards me. I quickly jumped out of the way, watching it smash into where I was once sitting. Panicking, I took off running.

I don't know how long I ran. I do know that ,that thing, was hot on my trail. Every time I stopped to hide, it was already waiting for me. When ever I thought I had eluded it, it was waiting around the corner. There was no getting away. I turned down a dead end alley. Pinned against a wall, the mass slithered its way towards me until it was again, inches from me. I large tongue came out and licked me. Crying in fear, I looked on as the mass backed up, and prepared to pounce. It leaped into the air with a single bound and barreled directly towards me. Determined not to be hit by this mass, I waited until the last second then jumped to the side. The mass barreled straight into the wall creating a large hole. It then hit the ground on the other side and squirmed around. I wasn't going to give it another chance. I crawled through the hole and looked for something to strike it with. Grabbing a brick, I repeatedly struck the mass with sheer force. Black particles and a squealing noise erupted from mass with every strike. Then quiet.

I thought I had won. I thought I had it defeated. I was so wrong. Laughing in some evil chuckle, it stood and smiled at me. An evil voice ensued. "This is my world and I make the rules." Evil laughing could be heard coming from the mass. Panicking, I threw the brick at the mass hoping to score a hit. It bounced off the mass. The smile turned to anger and the mass exploded into a million pieces. It then reformed in to a vortex. The same vortex that took me from Earth. I understood now. This wasn't some ghost. It wasn't some demon. It had to be multidimensional. The way I deformed and reshaped. The way it tried to kill me. It wasn't real. "None of this is real!" I yelled i hopes to wake up from a bad dream. "Oh but it is." said the voice. The vortex grew stronger and with nothing to hold onto, I was slowly sucked in. The same feeling of helplessness. The sight of time bending. All of it happening again. Then the same blackness engulfed me.

When i opened my eyes, I was back at Fluttershy's cottage. Still in the corner, I stood up slowly, but quickly fell over, feeling drained. Thinking to myself and trying to recall what just happened, I looked around and inspected my body. I noticed a tattered piece of clothing on the floor next to me. "A piece of the same clothing I was wearing in that-"I cut off my thoughts as I heard a scream. Rushing towards me was Fluttershy, Eyes wide still in her night gown. I smiled and said hi as she rushed to the corner to see if I was alright. Once she was satisfied with my well being, she helped me to my feet. Once I was finally back in the bed, she scolded me on scaring her. I tried to explain what happened, but she wouldn't listen. Finally, she said to go back to bed, and returned to her room. Sleep went uneasy for the rest of the night as I tried to figure out what just happened.

Comments

[IncoherentOrange]

GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIC! Not inherently bad, but be aware of it.

[Elmoz]

Okay, for one; I have no idea what the hell is happening. For two, user above says it all. It's generic. Do try and make things not so...Overused? Oh well. I'm not going to track, but I'll come back later and see if it even improves.

[2dextreem]

I don't usually leave comments, but when I do...

Well, where do I start? For one thing, I'm really sorry, but I could hardly get past the prologue, and I stopped reading after the first chapter. The prologue is barely one at that, really. It's three paragraphs strung together while simultaneously doing nothing to motivate me to read further. We know nothing about the character, or anything about the scene except for a brief description of events. A story like this (and believe me, I know, I'm currently writing one) can succeed or fail based on the first impression alone.

Look, I don't want to discourage you from writing, I really don't. But there needs to be more substance. Like the comment above says, it's generic, but that doesn't have to be a fault if it's executed correctly. If you happen not to care what others think, then disregard my advice. But if you actually want this to be considered read-worthy, try some of these tips:

Clean up your grammar. Seriously, every uncapitalized 'i' or unnecessary space between punctuation and letters just breaks flow.

Characterization. Endear your character to us. Tell us his name, give a brief description. Show us more about who he is than just a steady stream of "I did this." and then "I did that next."

Pacing. Events are happening way too fast to make sense of. Take the time to describe what is happening using plenty of detail to set the scene. Adjectives and adverbs are your friends here.

In my honest opinion, this story needs a LOT of work. I won't down vote out of principle, but you aren't going to be going anywhere until this is readable on a basic level. Good luck, you're going to need it.

[Ninja Locust]

okay... now its kinda creepy