The changeling hit the ground with a loud boom that drew attention from the only pony close there. This pony was Bulk Biceps, who cautiously approached the big crater. Not knowing what to do with the obviously injured creature he took her with him to his home. Although he wasn't aware of what she was or what happened.
Thesis, the Changeling, woke up with a terrible pain that seemed to be everywhere at once, but what really scared her was who she saw when she awoke. Bulk Biceps was surprisingly huge and overbearing, but not unfriendly towards her.
"You're awake!" he said rather loudly. The changeling in response cowered. Then he lightly added "Sorry, too loud?
The changeling nodded before trying to move but finding that she was in too much pain she looked sad and desolate due to the fact that she was not only cut off from the hive but alone with this massive stallion.
"Are you okay?"
She didn't respond at first thinking of what to do but realized her training didn't cover this.
"Don't hurt me, please…" she whimpered.
Her statement seemed to offend him however. "Hurt you? Why would I do that?!” He shouted realizing what he did after that. “Sorry, I didn't meant to scare you… Er, who are you?”
“I’m… Thesis.” She said while Bulk blinked at her. He would have come closer to her, but Thesis made a scared face. “Don’t come closer! I don’t want your help, I just want to- Argh!” Thesis stopped feeling a pain in one of her wings. This one was broken. She tried to flutter it, but stopped when feeling an even bigger pain.
“Are you hurt?!”
Thesis didn't answered him for a moment, but, with a broken wing, she couldn't make her way back home. And he was the only pony who could help her now. He didn't ran away from a changeling, and that was a beginning already! “My right wing… It’s broken. I can’t get back to my own home…”
“And where is your… home?” Bulk really had to stop shouting at her, but he was used to talking like that.
“You really never heard of changelings?”
“Not really”
Thesis shook her head, “Okay I… I came from my hive. I didn't really remember what happened. It was like my queen and my brothers and sisters being hit by a huge love magic in that marriage. And then I fell over here.” Thesis stroked her head, she had a huge pain there too. Actually, almost her entire body was in pain due to the impact.
Bulk took this better than expected, he simply listened intently. After she finished her story she waited for his anger but again was surprised. He simply smiled at her sympathetically looking at her wing his smile faded.
“Your wing is bad huh?”
Thesis looked at her wing then up to him when she saw his tiny wings. “ Excuse me pony but your wings are really small can you fly?”
“Yeaahhh!!! I mean yes I can fly but not too fast or high.” he said simply.
She was about to respond when there was a knock at the door. As Bulk left the room she finally took in her surroundings, she was in a small room with a brick floor and tan walls. There was a small mirror on the wall across from the cot she was on and a small table beside the bed.
"Hello?" she could hear the pony talking at the door.
"Good afternoon citizen we are in search of changelings do you know where any may be?" This made thesis' blood run cold.
However the pony's response left her dumbfounded "What's a changeling?"
"You do not know? Well that is not surprising since you live so far away from town, but be wary citizen" she couldn't hear the rest because of her head ache but she soon heard the door close and hoof steps approaching.
He entered the room through the enormous door and was surprised to find her sitting up calmly waiting for his return. "Why didn't you tell them that I am here?" Bulk did not respond so she continued. "You know what I did so why? I'm different so why?"
"That's why. Because you're different I am different should I be arrested?"
She could feel emotions of understanding, pity, and sadness emanating from him. "um.. listen pony-"
"Bulk Biceps, just Bulk" he said loudly.
"Listen Bulk I told you Changelings could sense emotions right?" To her surprise Bulk flinched."You're sad."
Bulk turned away "You should rest" he said quietly.
"Do you really trust me to be alone with you asleep?" She asked grinning smugly. Her grin disappeared when she felt his sadness rise."Bulk you okay?"
He simply walked out without responding. She heard a door close assuming he went to bed and she should do the same even if she didn't want to the pain insisted. Thesis went to sleep fairly quickly and dreamt of the hive but the dream soon turned into a nightmare of the failed invasion and the intimidating blast coming at her. She woke up screaming and sweating. Soon afterwards Bulk burst into the room looking around urgently when he saw she was okay he relaxed a bit.
"I'm sorry Bulk I was having a bad nightmare" she looked down.
"I understand" he said gently. "Do you want me to stay in here with you?"
The question surprised her but when she felt his emotions she calmed. He was worried about her? But Why? Did she deserve it? "I-I... Yes please." with that he nodded and left the room only to return with a pillow and a cover. Bulk layed down on the floor next to the cot.
"Good night Thesis" he said sincerely.
"Good night Bulk" Thesis replied just as sincere.
After she went to sleep she did not have any more nightmares and slept quite peacefully for the rest of the night.
interesting. I think I'll stay with this for awhile. Found some of the dreaded typos ( see below) nothing major. you might want to read over your story a day or so after you finish it. Perhaps out loud this will help you catch some of these. Good luck.
He would ( ) come closer to her [ have ]
Thesis stopped feeling a pain on one of her wings [ in ] ??
He didn't ran away from a changeling [run]??
but he was used to talk like that. [ talking ]
And then I feel over here.” [ fell ]
i mean yes i can fly [caps ]
"Whats's a changeling?" [ what's ]
You know what i did so why? [ cap ]
should i be arrested [ cap ]
"I-i... Yes please [cap ]
NIce.
5768630 Thank you this is my first story so i appreciate you telling me what i did wrong. Also you did it in a nice way without being nasty so thanks
5769031 Thank you
i just can't believe someone liked it. I was expecting unhappiness thanks for boosting my confidence
Alright, I think I can dig what you're going for here, but allow me to help you out
First, your story needs more punctuation. There are several places where you're missing an apostrophe or a comma. Remember, punctuation helps keep the story flowing smoothly, allowing the reader to take little pauses here and there, have time to take in what's going on. As it is, your story has too many run-on sentences. Consider going through and re-evaluating your sentence structures. It'll help the overall flow of the story progress in a smooth manner.
Second, I feel like the events in your story are a little rushed. It goes like "Bulk found a changeling and took her in" without explaining any events that may or may not have happened before, during, or after the time he found the changeling. It's not ENTIRELY necessary, but it would GREATLY improve the over all story, and give the readers a sense of 'being there' in the story.
Third, you'r dialogue could use a little work. Don't get me wrong, I love the way Bulk is in your story, all his 'yelling' and the fact you put exclamation marks after most of his sentences is awesome. But try and clean up the dialogue as a whole. Add a bit more flavor to their discussion instead of just:
(this is totally not what you did, but it's kinda an example =P)
And add some more details between their talking. Maybe describe the home, describe one of the characters, etc. Add more depth to story outside of just dialogue.
Fourth, there were a few 'plot holes' or whatever you want to call them. The first was why does the changeling not immediately go hostile when she sees Bulk? She's here to fight and take over Equestria. I can understand her waking up and being groggy, but after seeing Bulk, I would think she would attack right away, until realizing the pain in her wing. Another was why does the pony who knock on Bulk's door not tell him what a changeling is? He/She just says "be on the lookout" then leaves, without telling him WHAT to lookout for. Also a tiny little nitpicking on my part, is that this changeling is becoming a reeeeal softy reeeeally quickly. She takes almost no time at all to go from "I'm gonna take over Canterlot!" to "I'm gonna be all nice to this pony I was supposed to be taking over!". It's not too bad, just kind of an annoyance on my part.
Okay, no hoooooold on a minute! This isn't comment isn't just to point out all the 'bad' stuff! Don't worry! I like this story, and here's why!
The idea is VERY original. I've never seen a story where Bulk Biceps, of all ponies, takes in a wounded Changeling, and tries to nurse her back to health. The idea is very creative, and I can't wait to see where you go with it. I also love how you are portraying bulk so far, as a loud yet caring individual. Like I said above, the exclamation points at the end of most of his sentences are awesome. It really captures Bulk's character.
I also love seeing new, original characters, and the changeling pony already has my attention. I hope you to see you really take her through the story in a fun and interesting way.
Now I think, just maybe, there'll be a whole "We can;t let the pone pones find the changeling", and if there is, then that'd be awesome. It'll really help add to the depth of the story and create lots of possible opportunities for the story line.
And lastly, I just like how you're writing the story. Sure, there's a few bugs as I pointed out above, but it's still good, and I like your style. Keep it up!
I hope this helps! =3
5770075 well at first when she sees his size it's very intimidating but i see what you mean on all the pionts and will do my very best to try and improve them.
5770126 Sorry, I hope I didn't come off as rude or something
I'm trying to say your fic is good, it just needs some work to make it great. It's a good fic, it really is
5770138 Chapter two is much better