Luna sailed through the stars, blazing her way through the cosmos like a comet on a crash course for Terra, her vision white with rage and anticipation. A twisted snarl adorned her face as she bored through entire asteroids, not willing to delay her trip by even moment. She would have retribution and she would have it tonight.
“I’m coming for you, sister!” She roared, although it might as well have been a whisper in that infinite stratosphere. Images flickered through her head, of the days when the barrier was weak enough to see them, to see how her sister celebrated the day of her banishment. She remembered the patterns, and after one thousand Summer Sun Celebrations she knew which one her sister would be attending. It was no coincidence that it was at the town nearest to the castle from where they ruled.
“Clever, Celestia.” She thought. “Poetic that you choose to end it where it began.” Thoughts flooded her head of her sister, the arguments, her penchant for stealing glory, the day she banished her, the days they fought side by side, played together, laughed together,bathed together, that time they decided to prank their guards, replacing their helmets with-. Luna quickly forced these thoughts out of her head and reaffirmed her anger. Besides, she needed to be focused. Terra was swiftly coming under hoof and she could not wait to see her sister again.
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The roof of Ponyville City Hall exploded into rubble at Luna’s cacophonous entry. She landed directly on the stage overlooking the audience hall, she savored the brief moments before opening her eyes imagining the fear and confusion on the faces of her subjects. She guffawed in her royal Canterlot tone, she wanted to drive home that this was no good omen for her subjects. They probably forgot today was the day of her return, they probably forgot her all together. With a mixture of cool rage and excitement, she opened her eyes and drank in the emotions of the crowd.
Her laughter instantly ceased.
There was no crowd. Ponyville City Hall was empty. expecting the confusion of her subjects she would have to make do with her own. she leaped down from the balcony craning her neck in every direction. Maybe they’ve hidden from her? Maybe they didn’t forget? As a last resort she looked under every table in the room, no ponies but as she continued her search, checking under every chair, every closet and in some cabinets in case a filly or two were hiding from her. Until something began to dawn on her. Cobwebs adorned every corner and arch of the building, undisturbed dust lined the hallways, and even before her entrance this place was in a serious state of disrepair spider web cracks and holes adorned every wall, all of the windows cracked and broken, furniture uncared for. This place wasn’t empty it was abandoned.
After she was confident that not a single pony was in this building with her she decided to make her way outside, surly her subjects would leave some sign of where they fled from her. she tried pushing open the front door but the hinges proved to be broken causing the door to fall and hit the ground with a rather loud THUNK a thick cloud of dust flew into the princess’ eyes and lungs as she spent the good part of a minute waving a hoof and coughing. as the dust finally settled she got a good look at Ponyville.
Abandoned. It was the first word that came to mind, each building in a similar or worse state of disrepair then the town hall, some missing their roof while others were completely demolished. The marketplace was no better. piles of lumber and tools signifying where vendors once set up their stores while large amounts of detritus littered the broken cobblestone of the street. Luna walked up to a basket of apples, left for what seemed like months. Luna began to feel an emotion she hadn’t felt for a thousand years, worry. For herself or maybe even her subjects she was not sure but she knew that whatever happened here it wasn’t in anticipation for her. walking further down the street she began to notice many things. for one it was still nighttime. While this was her goal in the first place she has not even felt the pull of her sisters magic, not even a token effort to raise her sun. As Luna continued to walk down those desolate streets considering this, a drizzle began. It was almost enough to startle her, not because she was afraid but because once she heard the sound of those droplets hitting the ground around her she realized how quiet it was. not even the smallest of creatures stirred. besides the pitter patter of the rain Ponyville was truly silent. Luna sat down for a moment inside the doorway of a nearby shop to collect her thoughts.
“What has befell these ponies? Is this perhaps a jest? It has to be, you knew I would be back, Celestia! this is for me isn’t it!” She looked straight outside, talking to nopony in specific. It was then that something in the detritus caught her eye, then after the first she started noticing them everywhere. her pupils dilated her original worry replaced with something much worse. Bones, hidden among the wood, tools, rotting food, garbage and other knick knacks laid countless bones. Something incredibly wrong happened here. Luna decided that she would have answers.
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unfurling her wings, she took flight. She could have easily teleported to her sister’s new castle. But she needed to see everything, she inspected every road as she flew over the rain soaked Equestria. Scanning for any sign of life below. All were devoid of life and ill maintained, along them all were scattered carts, saddlebags, and more bones. Always facing towards Canterlot. Most of the carts still stood upright as if they were dropped along with the saddlebags to lighten a load, to travel faster. What perturbed Luna most though was the furrows. Occasionally she would see massive trenches cutting straight through the roads and the rock they were made of, some were messier than others signifying where trees were caught up and uprooted. the thought of what made them sent shivers down Luna’s spine but also filled her with a morbid sort of curiosity. Whatever happened everypony was heading to Canterlot, and that’s where she would find her answers and hopefully something besides bones and the rain to keep her company.
I have got to say, you have me interested. The description makes it sound sort of like a short story, combined with the fact that is only has the one tag.
You said you were stuck between Sad and Dark, so far the story doesn't really read like either to me, because we are only presented with the sort of prolog so far. It is not clear yet where you are going to take the story and therefore I am not sure what it should be listed as.
I would also highly suggest adding the Alternate Universe tag on as this does take place instead of an episode and therefor can't take place in the canon universe.
I am not normally one to make writing and grammar suggestions, but there was two points that stuck out to me
First: grammar thingy
You describe Luna as a comet twice in the same sentence, its very repetitive and could end up being confusion.
Second: story progression
Every time Luna refers to Celestia she uses the pet-name Tia. However, if she is really really mad at Celestia she would not be using a pet-name as those only bring fond memories. I would suggest Luna mainly refer to her as Celestia and then as her anger drops away and as she gets more and more worried she starts to call her Tia... that way we can see a character progression that allows us to really understand what is going on in Luna's mind without you telling use outright.
All that being said, I am in no way an authority on tags or anything, and only judge tags and make suggestion based on my interpretation of the story.
-The Don
Awww sad poor Luna. I can see a metaphor here. The buildings are old and abandoned just like Luna had been "abandoned" to the moon. Idk if that was intended or not but it was good
Okay, I'm gonna break up my criticism into two parts. Conceptual, and grammar.
Conceptual.
You make it quite clear that it is Luna coming back to earth, but why? Why is it Luna instead of Nightmare Moon? If it is indeed going to be Luna instead of NMM, you need an AU tag for sure and maybe a little more background as to why it's Luna.
I mean, I can probably guess that it's Luna because you want to make her a sympathetic character later in the story, but that's only a hunch.
In this scene, it would probably be better if, while she still has her eyes closed, she starts laughing, preparing to strike fear into the hearts of her subjects... only to be greeted by nothing but a wet fart of disappointment.
Grammar.
You need to find an editor. A real editor who can look over these stories preferably twice. Also, you need to look over these stories twice. That goes into my three suggestions for success which I will outline later. For now, here are the main things that caught my eye.
You can easily just remove the word was from the sentence. The word was usually turns a sentence into a passive sentence and overall, makes it a bad sentence. Not all the time, but most of the time, this is true.
Any time a character addresses another character, there's a comma, so this becomes...
It's extremely minor, but I don't like the use of the word "flicked" here. It would be better to use a word like "rushed" or something.
Other guy pointed this out, but I would like to reiterate... no. Bad author. If she hates her sister, she's not likely to use a nickname.
I know this sentence is supposed to be kind of rambling thought that get interrupted, but it needs to be reworded a bit as it's kinda sloppy and confusing to read.
You probably just overlooked it, but the W needs capitalizing, and sentence needs a comma, like so:
Another missing comma here, and you have bones capitalized, probably on accident, but I'll point it out just in case. I would also remove more since it just makes the sentence confusing.
Okay, so all that aside, you have the start of a great story, but that's all it is. Pure potential waiting to be set loose. If you have more, or further ideas for this story, I'd say go for it.
Now for the three suggestions for success that pretty much every author should employ.
1. Sum up your story in one sentence.
It's simple. Can you sum up your story in one sentence? When you do, make sure that most of what you write is in service of that sentence. It doesn't have to be a very good sentence, mind you, just one sentence.
Ex: My story, Pinkie Doesn't Like Needles can be summed up with "Pinkie Pie gets a shot with help from Fluttershy."
So, by knowing what my story is about, I can make sure that what I am writing is in service of that plot line.
2. Write your story, and let it sit.
This is simple, and also the hardest one. Write your story, and then let it go for a week or so. When you've just finished a story, there will be errors you don't realize are there simply because you're too used to it. Your eyes will just go right over them without realizing. Give yourself some time away and you'll be shocked at what you come back and notice wrong with it.
3. Read it out loud.
This one I cannot emphasize enough. At least once, preferably twice, read through your story out loud and really listen to your words. If you have friends who are kind enough to listen on something like a skype call, that would be even better as they can point out when something doesn't feel right. Just having to put a voice to your words will illustrate problems and solutions in your stories you'll be hard pressed to find just by reading.
And with that, I think I'm done here. You have plenty of potential, and so does this story, the question is, how badly do you want it? I have a feeling you want it enough to make some really good stuff in the future, so I'll be following this story and you. If you have any questions or you want to run something by me in the future, feel free.
Starlitomega
5735571
5736210
Thanks guys, those reviews were a lot more extensive than what I was expecting and you pointed out a lot of things I didn't even notice.
gonna get on those corrections.
5736173 You might be onto something.
5736759
Notta problem. I like seeing something more imaginative the hundred of HiE fics in the group, so when I see one, I want to help anyway I can. Hope to see more from you soon.
This was actually a really intriguing read. I won't touch on the grammar issues since those have already been addressed, rather I'll be talking more along the lines of the pacing of the story.
Pacing is a fundamental aspect of a story meant to convey emotion. In your typical action scene in your typical action story, the scene runs by at a fast pace because the entire focus is shifted towards all the action. The opposite occurs in an emotional scene. The story slows down to a snails pace, and then gets really fucking descriptive of all the emotions the character is feeling at the moment. In your story, the pacing doesn't follow that standard formula for emotional scenes and thus is really jarring for readers.
Take this excerpt, for instance.
This portion could have been expanded into a paragraph or two entirely dedicated to Luna reminiscing about the past. I know you've heard this saying once or twice before, but show, don't tell. The part where she states the most memorable experiences with her sister is the equivalent of saying "and then we did this and that and oh also this too". This doesn't convey emotion. If you'd have written those experiences like a scene playing out in the story, then THAT would been some quality feels.
Overall, it was still pretty good. The whole setting is actually really well done and it left me legitimately curious as to why Ponyville was abandoned. Keep it up.
5774161 how profound thaums, I wasn't expecting that.
I'm kicking myself more now that you explained the flashback that way, it gives me all sorts of ideas on what to do. But I feel like it's too late now and this'll be a lesson for another story.
Thank you.
5774277
No problem, man. These sorts of things happen subconsciously, which is why it's damn vital to have an editor.
5774284 ye, it wasn't really that prudent to leave it up to taco and chase.
Just a little thing that bothers me.
Luna seems to know exactly where everything is. Put in to fact that Ponyville and Canterlot were built after Luna was banished.
Again, just a little that bothers me. It's nothing, really. Great story and plot line!