Vanhoover Sky

by JandT

Adopted

Misty woke up to the 1:00 PM ending lunchtime whistle. It was still overcast but the low fog receded. Since it was still a couple hours before Mill Whistle got out of school Misty went to the Flume's Diner.
"How are you doing Misty?" asked Pancake Flume, "I'm doing great because of the fact that I'm gettin' my daughter back" answered Misty. Pancake's grey face smiled and said "Well congratulations Misty, I hope being a mother goes well for ya", "Thanks Pancake" replied Misty.
Pancake asked "May I take your order?", "I'll have some cider and hay fries" answered Misty.

Misty grabbed a newspaper and the headline said "Stallion Gets Crushed by Logs", Misty sighed and put the paper down. It was not uncommon for ponies to die because of the relatively deadly working conditions.
"Here's you meal dear" said Pancakes as she set a blue plate of hay fries and a mug of cider on the table, "Thank you Pancakes" said the light blue unicorn as the grey earth pony walked away.

Meanwhile at Mill's School.............................

"You all did great on your end of year tests" said a red earth pony mare with a cutie mark of a wood rose named Ms. Woodrose, "You may have recess until your parents get here". The other foals rushed out of the classroom while Mill Whistle got up again slowly. "Bye Ms.Woodrose" said Mill Whistle with a noticeable hint of sadness in her voice, "You aren't leaving yet" said Woodrose. "Am I in trouble?" asked the green filly with even more sadness, "No" said Ms.Woodrose.
"Sorry I'm late" said a familiar voice, a light blue unicorn walked into the schoolhouse, "Misty?" said a surprised Mill Whistle. "Hey Mills" said Misty, "Hey Misty, what are you doing here?" asked Mill. "About ten years ago when I was sixteen, I had to give up a green foal with a white and blue mane" said Misty as she started to tear up "I regretted it but I didn't have money and thought she'd have a better chance there". "But, I got her back" she said as she showed Mill Whistle the adoption papers. The room went quiet, Mill was just shocked that one of her best friends was her mom. "Mom?" slowly uttered Mill as her tone went from sadness to excitement.

"I'm your mom and I love you" said Misty, "I love you to mom!" Mill replied. Mill felt Misty's fore legs wrap around her in a warm embrace. It was 4:00 when the two left the schoolhouse.
"Welcome to our house" said Misty, "It's a nice place mom" said Mill Whistle. "Can you help me pack?" asked Misty, "Why? I just got here" asked Mill. "Well, I have a marefriend in Ponyville and the railroad there pays better, her name is Sky Rail" answered Misty with a smile, "Well I've never been out of Vanhoover all my life so lets get packing!" replied Mill Whistle with a excited tone.
It didn't take them long to pack the very few belongings they had. Among those belongings was a picture of Misty's mom and pa, and her dad's old axe. That Friday Misty didn't take the night shift so she could spend time with Mill. Mill slept next to her mother in the relatively bare master bedroom.

Comments

[TwiwnB]

Okay, second part.

"May I take your order?", "I'll have some cider and hay fries" answered Misty. "Well congratulations on adopting your daughter now I'll go get your food" said Pancake as the grey mare rushed into the kitchen.

I was talking about how fast everything is going. Here is a good example of what you're doing with the dialogues. I may first recommend to separate the different lines of dialogue like different paragraphs to make it easier to read. But that's not my point here. My point is that it goes so fast that it gave me the impression to re-live the movie "the room" and the part of the shop:

Once again, I understand what you wanted to accomplish here, but the discussion felt very weird for me because of that fast pace, as we go from "cider and hay fries" to "congratulation" in a second.

"You all did great on your end of year tests" said a red earth pony mare with a cutie mark of a wood rose named Ms. Woodrose, "You may have recess until your parents get here".

Just because it was fun to imagine: "And if they didn't do great, they could never leave!" (yeah, it's not even a critic, just having fun here)

"About ten years ago when I was sixteen, I had to give up a green foal with a white and blue mane" said Misty as she started to tear up "I regretted it but I didn't have money and thought she'd have a better chance there". "But, I got her back" she said as she showed Mill Whistle the adoption papers, "Mom?" said Mill as her tone went from sadness to excitement.

The idea you're using here is very good (which explains why it's done so often). Once again though, it goes way too fast in my opinion. Not even in the explanation of the mother (even if it would be possible to add some descriptions in the middle, like her trying to spot the reaction of the foal as she goes, some hesitations, etc...), but mostly in Mill's reaction.
The most amazing thing is that to change the rythm fondamentally, it seems it would take not much more than:

[...] as she showed Mill Whistle the adoption papers.

"Mom?" asked Mill with a tone that went from sadness to excitement.

Just ending the sentence at "adoption paper", opening a new paragraph and leaving a space usually forces the reader to make a pause.