This is quite a refreshing start for a story:
It focuses basically on an enclave pegasus who turned dashite against her will, not because the Enclave is evil.
Have a like.

The only thing I'm not comfortable with is your description:
it basically says nothing about your story's content and instead just covers your reasons to write the story.
Don't do that. Add a short introduction for your story (basic description stuff) instead, it looks better and really is what a description should be.

Another thing:
I would recommend adding "Fallout Equestria" to your story, so that it is "Fallout Equestria: Dashite"

P.S.: If you don't have anything against it, I'd add your story to the "Fallout Equestria" groups for more views and likes.

5294477 Thank you, I did wonder about the description and will certainly take your advice on both points. I'm new here so still learning how best to present things. Please feel free to add it where ever you like and thanks so much for reading and taking the time to comment :D

5294477

The only thing I'm not comfortable with is your description:

I would recommend adding "Fallout Equestria" to your story, so that it is "Fallout Equestria: Dashite"

I second these notions! It'll looks more professional, too.

5332253 I actually have changed the description already. The title at the moment is just a working title until I can think of a more appropriate one. Originally I did put Fallout Equestria: Dashite but changed it to just FOE: Dashite because I found that people were giving me a thumbs down with out even reading the story based solely on the fact it was a Fallout story.... I also got added to a group that seeks out stories that they consider an "over used theme", all of which I feel is a negative response for the wrong reasons. MLP in and of itself is an internet wide over used theme so by definition, all of our stories fit that category.

5335023

I hope you removed your story from that group, then. I fucking hate that kind of shit. Not all FO:E fics are as bad as everyone paints them to be.

And about having Fallout: Equestria in your title; I think you should have that there regardless of the downvotes that may come. They're inevitable, and just by having it as Fallout: Equestria will get you downvotes. I get one or two myself every time I update. But the thing is, is that ya shouldn't be afraid to tell people your story is a Fallout: Equestria sidefic. You should be proud of what you write, even if not everyone likes it. Who gives a shit if they downvote your story? You shouldn't. Why? Because their opinions (or lack of opinions) don't matter. You put an effort into writing this, and you shouldn't be afraid of some chucklefuck hiding behind a computer screen who's too much of a pussy to tell you your story sucks up front.

Besides, if you don't make it clear your story if a Fallout: Equestria sidefic, then when someone reads it, and finds out what it really is, the backlash will be even worse. Additionally, FO:E is basically the same as the above ... and any moron will know it's Fallout: Equestria. You aren't really accomplishing anything by holding yourself back.

Also ... there are a few things you REALLY need to remove from your description:

First of all, your tags. You have too many tags. Having too many tags makes you seem mediocre (it's stupid, but it is what it is). I suggest, since this is an FO:E fic, that you only use Adventure, Dark, and Crossover. Only use three tags at most. You can keep Gore and Mature, of course, but if you have more than three tags, your story comes off as mediocre and your writing as inexperienced at a glance. (Trust me, I've been here for a while, and I've seen the shit people do here).

Second:

If you don't like the theme then please pass by as I'm not writing this for you, it's for people who do like Fallout Equestria.

That's troll bait, my dear. If it isn't the quality of your writing, its your description that's getting you downvotes. (I haven't read this story yet, but I did take a look at the Chapter you have, and it starts off rather cliched.)

I used to have something stupid like that in my story's description. That's why I have 15 dislikes on my story. I basically told the world, "Come and get me!" and they did. What you should be aiming for is professionalism. You need to make your story look professional in order to lower the risk of incurring the wrath of some biased bastard. You gotta prove 'em wrong that this ain't some shitty FO:E fic everyone else writes.

I took those downvotes and said, "You know what? I'm going to prove 'em my story deserves better." I think your story deserves better, too. Because I know a bad story from a good one, and this ain't one of those. It's definitely far from that.

I think the way you've presented your story is what's garnering you those downvotes. Your long description is reminiscent of an elementary school, paper back picture book synopsis. It's not your story, it's how it appears at a glance that's making people downvote your story arbitrarily. (I can give you a huuuuuuge lecture on presentation and advertising your story ... if you want. But for now, since this comment is already as long as it is, I'll just tell ya if you need me to.)

But I really hope you aren't discouraged by that red bar next to your story. You should be proud of what you write, and never let some douchebag bring you down.

Just as Kkat once told me,

Try not to let dislike bombing discourage you.

I hate seeing decent stories get buried ... so if you need help, I'll do whatever I can to throw you a bone.

So a few things. First of all, downvotes with no comments are fairly useless. It's true that they stick with you, but at the end of the day, they're ignorable, and probably trolling/hate groups.

So now, my comments.

Overall, it was a good read. My only complaint really would be the pacing. While it has an interesting setup and looks like it has a chance to go places, it felt a little rushed. That said, it is your story, and you can pace it as you will, I just felt like it was pushed along a bit much. That said, I look forward to where it will go. So keep your chin up and write. This is for fun, and you're spending your effort to share this with the world. And at least some of us appreciate it.

5336324 I don't actually know how to remove stories from groups, but I did write to the owner of the group and respectfully request it be removed. It's still there at this time but they have stated they will honor my request.

I'll take your advice where I can, thanks for that, but if my story description looks amateur well... that's because I'm new to this! I'm not a professional. No fanfic writer is and this is my first try. I know when I first started drawing ponies I was not that good at it but got better.

The second bit you suggested I remove I had there because I was discouraged by the down votes I have not gotten any SINCE I added it, they were already there before I said that, but I can remove it anyway. However it's not the reason I got down votes.

I may finish the chapter two I started... I don't know yet.

Jackie.

5336917

I think if you 'Set Featured' groups, you can display and delete your story from groups.

And just because you're an amature, that doesn't mean you can't look professional. I understand that if it's your first time, and you make a mistake, it's because you're inexperienced. But every mistake you make and correct is a little bit more experience under your belt. The more you let this sit around, the more frustrating it'll be; you owe it to yourself and your hard work that you wrap up with a red bow when you finish. Besides, being new to something doesn't excuse you from presenting yourself as un-professional-like. You wouldn't go to your first job interview in gym shorts, would you? If you're really passionate about your writing, then with a little work, your description can be as appealing and eye-catching as a published novel, without having to hire some $20 an hour editor or without being a seasoned English/Creative Writing major.

I may finish the chapter two I started... I don't know yet.

You should!

I hope I'm not sounding like I'm being mean or anything. I'm sort of angry, but not at you. I used to have a dislike bombing issue like this, but I spent a few early mornings touching up on everything that's judgable at a glance... and they stopped coming.

5337148 No I dont think you're being mean at all! I've very much appreciated some input from someone and the helpful advice. I did take both of your advice and still want a better name for the story too. I'm thinking "broken wings" since I love that song and it fits what's happening right now., Even though it's just one wing broken...

As for going to the job interview in gym shorts... LOL, I'm a bit of a tom boy so It might just be something I'd do! Hee hee.

Thanks again,

Jackie

5342941

Broken Wings sounds like a hook! But think deeper! Broken Wings could hold both a literal and metaphorical meaning. Perhaps it could be in relation to her Dashite mark? Being a Dashite basically means your wings are clipped forever; you can never come back home and fly up to the clouds ever again.

If you need help with developing ideas for your story, feel free to PM me and we can bounce ideas off of each other.

As for going to the job interview in gym shorts... LOL, I'm a bit of a tom boy so It might just be something I'd do! Hee hee.

That 'hee hee' at the end was adorable.

5346606 I actually didn't think about the metaphorical meaning to it but you're right, her wings are all but clipped even if she didn't have one broken right now. So yeah it could have a double meaning....

Please explain the term of it being a "hook" as I have no idea what you mean by that.

Most of my idea's for the story are coming from role plays I'm in with this character, but I adapt those quite a bit. Anyway feel free to private message me if you like.

My hee hee I'm told sounds even better over skype.

:P

5347263
I think what Interlooper means is that your story should be named something connected to the theme/plot of your story. Broken wings sounds good as a title, but it's not really connected to the plot, therefor it's a bit... generic.

5347840 It actually is related to the theme quite a bit, and he meant it as a "lure" to draw people in. A catchy title with a nice double meaning to it. I also like the lyrics of that song so it may get re named Broken Wings and the connection to the title will be more clear as the story goes on. To me "dashite' is too generic and I only meant that as a working title in the first place.

Jackie