Knowing your friends

by haywire

Realization

“Hi Twilight!”
After recovering from the initial shock Twilight got to her hooves. Seeing Pinkie Pie she shrugged off reminding the pink pony that it startles most ponies when you randomly appear in their house.

“Hi Pinkie what are you doing here?” Pinkie practically exploded into a flurry of confetti.

“I’m giving EVERYONE an invitation to a party that I’m throwing for Rainbow Dash!”

Twilight looked distracted, she had always had this weird feeling when she saw Rainbow but dismissed it for now and snapped her attention back to the energetic earth pony.

“What for exactly?” Pinkie exploded for a second time, Twilight wondered to herself where the confetti continued to come from.

“You won’t believe it Twi! “Dash has been working on a breaking her old speed record!”
“Well she broke it!” Pinkie made several flying motions with her hooves. “She was all like ZoOOm right over us!” “You should have seen it!”

Twilight thought for a moment. “How long has she been trying to break her record?”

Pinkie looked shocked “Didn’t she tell you? It was her short distance flight speed record; she has been working on it for a long time now.”

Twilight was now deep in thought. “Hmm I’ve been studying on improving my teleportation distances…I just… I don’t know maybe I’ve just been hitting the books to much. ”

Always the optimist Pinkie had a huge grin. “Well Twi you’re not supposed to hit books! Anyway, I’ll for sure see you at the party!”

Twilight tried to respond but it was to late. Then the pink pony formally occupying her study space was gone, and had somehow not managed to rip the door off the hinges at the speed she had exited.

Twilight talked to herself as she thought. Pinkie is a strange pony at times... Then Her mind suddenly jumped to a more worrying subject. How did I know nothing about Rainbow trying to break a record? Realization struck her, she had slowly pushed aside her study of the magic of friendship. “Looks like I have a new study for the magic of friendship.”

“ I’ll be sure to write the princess tomorrow with my idea” Twilight thought for a moment then decided how she would execute her plan. She levitated a few things around and some random books and scrolls went flying across the floor then she found what she was looking for. She decided on lists, they’ve always been there for her when she has needed organization. That night she made a list containing all five of her friends so she could check each one off after she had finished her stay with them. And a second area on the list for notes and findings; She smiled to herself as she conquered another obstacle with organization.

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Rainbow Dash was flying on her way to Twilights library, she wondered why Pinkie had asked her to go there and who knew with Pinkie. "What fun is a library? Well maybe besides pick up the new Daring book… Oh well maybe they'd get to prank Twilight” In her thought she almost collided with the library its self..She turned and smiled sheepishly to the ponies staring in horror just seeing a Pegasus nearly crash into a building at high speeds.

After holding in a slight limp she opened the door to the library and was blasted with a party cannon, followed by a unanimous cry of “SURPRISE!!!” from a crowd of ponies and there hung a banner saying ‘congrats Dashie!’.
Before Dash could respond Pinkie had pulled her into the crowd of ponies.

Twilight was still in shock. “This is why Pinkie must have said she would see me at the party…” Twilight made her way to Pinkie through the crowd “Pinkie!!” Pinkie spun around beaming at Twilight.

“yes?!” Twilight looked like Pinkie should already know what she was going to say.

“you didn’t tell me the party was going to be HERE,this is a library,libraries are supposed to be quiet.”

Pinkie thought for several seconds.“Well yeah, of course it’s a library I knew that! Its not a bakery or boutique or spa or barn or factory or restaurant or... ”

Twilight's right eye started to twitch, the purple as the Pinkie continued naming things the library was not. Finally the purple unicorn stuffed a hoof into the pink party ponies mouth, incredulously she continued trying to talk. “Pinkie..I mean it’s a library so it should be quiet. OK? Pinkie responded with a muffled response and a rapid nodding of her head. Twilight removed her hoof. Okey dokey lokey! It will be as quiet as can be after the party! Then pinkie was lost in the crowd of ponies.Pinkie fired a second round from the party cannon. -BOOM- After the streamers and confetti had cleared Twilight spotted Rainbow. “Hey rainbow! I want to ask you something.”

Dash leaned in closer to hear over the crowded party. “Of course Twi whats up?”

Twilight pondered her question. “Well it may come as a surprise but I wanted to see if I could spend some time with you.”

Rainbows mind raced. “Uh sure who wouldn’t right? How bout we meet tomorrow.”

Twilight smiled. “Okay! I’ll see you tomorrow Dash!”

Dash pulled her mind back together after Twilight had walked away.“She wants to spend time with me?! Did somepony tell her?”

Before the party- Dear, princess Celestia
I’ve decided to further my study in the magic of friendship. I plan to spend about a week with each of my friends furthering my knowledge of them and the magic of friendship. Hopefully this will lead to becoming closer to my friends!
Your faithful student – Twilight Sparkle.
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Twilight walked out along the field her and Dash had agreed to meet at.She looked around for the cyan Pegasus. She spotted her in a cloud near by.“Rainbow!”

Rainbow Dash got up from her comfy cloud. “Hey egg head you made it! Whats up?”

Twilight smiled slyly. “Who was it that picked up that copy of daring doo two weeks ago?”

Rainbows mind raced for a comeback but Twilight continued on.

“Well the reason I asked you to come out here is...”

Rainbows heart raced faster.

“I feel I need to get to know my friends better.”

Rainbow crashed hard emotionally but it also came with a bit of relief knowing it wasn’t about ‘THAT’
.
“Oh..Quickly getting back to her confident attitude Rainbow responded“So you want to like study me or some thing?”

Twilight noticed the slight tension but shrugged it off as nothing. “Well you could put it that way… but it’s so maybe I could get closer with you...not just some 'study'”

Rainbow took Twilight by surprise taking off into the air at insane speeds and landed right next to her. “Ok twilight first thing I think we should cover is my awesomeness.”

Twilight jokingly face hoofed and laughed playfully.“Okay Dash first thing we will cover is your ‘awesomeness’.”

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MLP and all things related (c) Hasbro and Lauren Faust

Comments

[Diabolic Gnome]

interesting and i hope to see more

[haywire]

505784 Thanks! I will get the next chapter out as soon as it's finished and I've gone through it. At the moment I don't have a pre-reader/editor so I do that myself for now.

[Diabolic Gnome]

506272 i can pre read but i cant edit if that helps

[haywire]

506275 Oh yeah anything helps! If you just tell me what you think of it and the good parts and parts that weren't so good all that haha.

[Diabolic Gnome]

506469 ok just cut and paste the story into a PM and send it to me when your ready

[tilkau]

I'll go through this chapter and give some detailed comments. Hope it helps :) I don't expect you to change all these things, it's just supposed to give you some directions to improve in.

“Hi Twilight!”
Good chapter start, considering it's Pinkie it's perfectly appropriate to start abruptly like that ;)

“You won’t believe it Twi! “Dash has been working on a breaking her old speed record!”
THOU HAST ALSO BROKEN THY QUOTATION MARKS!
(IMO the second quote mark should just be removed. You also put speech from the same character in separate quote marks for each individual sentence, I recommend using just one quotation for each block of speech.
(eg “You won’t believe it Twi! Dash has been working on a breaking her old speed record!
Well -- she broke it!”))

Twilight looked distracted, she had always had this weird feeling when she saw Rainbow but dismissed it for now and snapped her attention back to the energetic earth pony.
a) You just randomly switched POV to Pinkie. This is a story written from Twilight's point of view, right? Keep it that way, otherwise it gets weird to read.
b) Show, don't tell.In this case, internal dialogue is a good strategy. For example : "Twilight's stomach squirmed at the thought of Rainbow Dash. Again. Why was that happening so much recently?" (and you can leave the fact of her deciding to concentrate on the conversation up to the reader to imagine, based on how she responds. Leave out whatever you can, so that you can spend your effort on polishing the parts that do need to be included)

Pinkie exploded for a second time, Twilight wondered to herself where the confetti continued to come from.
Also a good opportunity to show, not tell, and use internal dialogue. eg "Pinkie exploded for a second time. Where was all that confetti coming from?"

Pinkie made several flying motions with her hooves.
.. how do I say it.. this is too specific and too general at the same time. You go to the trouble of saying they are 'flying motions' (which is information that can be inferred from context), but don't describe exactly what motions are made. My personal preference is again, to allow that information to be inferred. for example "Pinkie gestured energetically".
What I'm getting at here is any information you do include should be interesting. The fact that they are flying motions is not interesting. Exactly what motions were made is interesting, particularly in how they comment on the character doing them (eg. "Pinkie lunged, thrust her hooves forward dramatically, and finally spun slowly to a stop." Except that messes with the rhythm of her speech, so "Pinkie lunged, and gestured dramatically" seems more like what the doctor ordered.)

Pinkie looked shocked
You do that frequently (X looked/seemed Y). How about something phrased in a less passive way -- say, "Pinkie recoiled in shock."
More active phrasing makes it easier for the reader to become immersed in events. It's like in animation -- if something is moving, it's best to give it as much movement as possible. In the context of writing, that means you gotta kill words that don't really say anything much by themselves, whereever you can, so that you get maximum meaning packed into the remaining words.

Then Her mind suddenly jumped to a more worrying subject

Then Twilight got hit with an idea.
This looks like you left in a sentence that should have been deleted, since you start both consecutive sentences with 'Then' and also immediately drop the 'more worrying subject' without comment after bringing it up.
Keep an eye on that capitalization, too. In this case the implication is that Twilight is a goddess or some other object of worship.

Twilight talked to herself as she thought.

RANDOM UNEXPLAINED INDENTATION FTW! (check the story text to spot it, it doesn't show up quite right when I paste it here.)

Twilight smiled slyly.
Is good . That is showing, not telling

“Hey egg head you made it!”
Probably needs a comma after 'head'. You need an editor.

“So you want to like study me?”
Definitely needs a comma or two. To match Rainbow's speaking patterns from the show, I'd personally choose to write it as
"So you want to, like .. study me?"

[ShadeBlitz]

Huh... No haters... That's new... Usually there atleast 5 by the time a story hits 32 likes... How many moustaches would you like sir?