Ordinary Nightmares

by Mannulus

Functionally Zombies

On the train ride home, Derpy slept. As she had fully expected, she had another nightmare. This time it began with her drowning rather than falling. She was chained to the bottom of some deep lake or river where the only light was the distant sun seen as a glowing haze through the surface of the water. As tended to be the case with these dreams, however, this scenario did not last long. It morphed somehow, as if the water simply thinned away until she stood in a courtroom.

It was like no real courtroom, being stripped in her dreaming mind to its single most critical and salient element: a high judge's stand. What had been the sun a moment ago was now some intensely bright light that shone from behind the pony seated on it. Other than that, there was nothing except the same darkness that had pervaded the water and the chains which had held her there, still clasped around her legs.

None of those details really mattered, of course. They were, as Princess Luna had explained, merely the essential features of another type of nightmare that ponies commonly experienced. What mattered was the judge.

She was all that made this particular nightmare truly belong to Derpy Hooves, specifically. She was all that made it in any way unique from the similar nightmares experienced by ponies for as long as formal courts had existed. Without her, this was merely the manifestation of any given pony's fear of being judged.

Because of the painted abomination on the judge's stand, however, this nightmare was Derpy's, and hers alone.

She spouted her usual retinue of accusations, all to the effect of Derpy's own inadequacy.

“You had more potential than this,” she said. “You've squandered it on a meaningless existence in a meaningless profession.”

Derpy shrank under the very truth of it.

“You are a laughingstock; the object of ridicule for an entire town.”

Also true, for she was well-known as a klutz and the source of frequent disaster

“If you were somehow suddenly gone,” continued the clown-faced judge, “the lives of those around you would either be completely unaffected, or would immediately improve. If you were killed in flight by a lightning bolt, you would be forgotten before you hit the ground.”

These accusations were not news to the pegasus. She knew who and what she was better than anypony. That did not matter, however. In fact, it only added credence to the assault, and made her believe it more fully.

Because Princess Luna was asleep, there would be no rescue, this time. Derpy would have to withstand this misery until she awoke. She was, of course, in no way aware of this fact, for she had never been the sort of pony who could tell when she was dreaming. She only felt small and terrified in the face of these endless waves of abuse.

That is why she considered it fortunate when Conductor All Aboard shook her awake. It took her a moment to realize that it had been a dream, and a moment longer to realize she was still on the train.

“We've reached the station,” he said.

She had lain over on the seat to sleep, and the mutton-chopped stallion faded into focus standing over her. She lifted her head and shook it slightly to jog her mind awake.

“Please disembark,” he said once more, his voice oddly low, cold, and emotionless. “Be sure to gather all your belongings.”

“I don't have anything,” said Derpy, sitting upright, and stretching her hooves to the floor.

“That's for the best,” said Conductor All Aboard in that strange, empty tone. He stared down the car, never looking at Derpy, or even glancing left or right.

“What do you mean?” asked Derpy, and then she heard a sound.

It was the faint but very bright sound of a train's whistle, and it was not coming from this train.

“What's that sound?” she asked.

“The Three-Twenty-Four from Dodge Junction,” said the conductor. “It will be pulling into the station here in about a minute.”

The sound of the whistling continued. It was steady and growing in both pitch and volume.

“But there's only one track!” said Derpy frantically.

“Only one,” said Conductor All Aboard, and the cold resignation in his voice froze Derpy's heart for a moment.

Derpy threw open the window, and leaned her head out, looking down past the coal car and engine. From the opposite end of town, she could see the Three-Twenty-Four barreling down the rails directly towards her. Its engineer must have been trying to stop the tremendous machine because its wheels were screeching and throwing sparks, and its whistle still cried out its shrill, deathly warning of impending disaster.

She tried to dive straight out of the window of the car, but it was not wide enough to allow her wings to pass through. She jerked her head back inside.

“We gotta get outta here!” she all but yelled directly into the conductor's face.

“Yes,” said the conductor. “Please disembark.”

Derpy sat momentarily dumbfounded at his bizarre stoicism, and then pushed past him, heading for the car door. When she reached the door, she was stunned to realize that he had not followed her. She looked back down the aisle to find him, and balked at what she saw.

Conductor All Aboard was walking calmly forward down the aisle towards the engine, checking each seat to make sure no other sleeping ponies remained on the car.

“Come on!” she shouted. “Are you crazy?”

The conductor did not respond, but merely stepped forward to the next seat, checking it carefully.

The car door stood open, and she thrust her head out to see the other locomotive still roaring and screeching in her direction. The impact would happen in a matter of seconds. There was no time for her to help the either traumatized or insane conductor. She leapt outward, and flapped her wings, thinking her chances of avoiding the inevitable pileup of splintered wood and twisted steel were better in the air than on hoof.

The next few moments were a blur of reflexive actions and horrible sights and noises. The impact sounded like a crash of thunder from inside the thundercloud, itself, and she looked back as she shot skyward to see rail cars undulating and bucking upwards down the length of both trains. A gout of hot steam spewed from one locomotive's boiler, and would have scalded her – probably mortally – if she had not noticed it just in time to close her wings and let herself drop.

She fell several times her own body length to the earth. Her right foreleg met the ground first, and it twisted sharply underneath her as her other hooves found the earth. She barely noticed the pain, however, as her attention was at that moment fully devoted to the coal car of the incoming train. It had found its way free of the rails, and spun sideways until it jack-knifed into the locomotive in front of it. Its hitch shattered, allowing it to slide sidelong directly towards her. She had neither time to lift off nor remaining dexterity to dodge on hoof. So, she threw herself to the earth, and clenched her teeth, hoping that by some miracle her body would pass between the huge, iron machine's wheels. Freed of its rails, however, one of those wheels found a large stone, and the impact sent the whole car tipping directly towards her.

The sky above her went black with a wave of coal thrown from the car, and she covered her head with her hooves to shield herself from the rain of sooty, black fragments. All around her there was a terrible rattling of steel against earth, stone, wood, and other steel, and she felt the air being roughly moved above her; the distinct sensation of something enormous passing close over her back.

Then, at last, silence descended. She lifted her head, and looked around. She was huddled on the ground amidst a field of strewn coal, and far behind her, against a misaligned car of the train on which she had minutes before been a passenger, there rested overturned the coal car that had somehow managed to bounce over her amidst the conflagration.

She tried to stand, but when she placed her right forehoof against the ground, she yelped with a sudden jolt of pain. The impact had not only twisted her hoof, but had badly jarred her shoulder, as well. She was not sure, but she thought it might be dislocated.

She was no stranger to a rough landing, but in all such instances in her past, she had seen it coming long enough in advance to have been able to prepare for it in some respect. The whole train wreck had taken perhaps ten seconds, and her impact had been sudden, unexpected, and at an angle that could be described as suboptimal, at best.

But I'm alive, she thought. They'll be sending paramedics from the hospital soon. I'll just sit here and wait.

She planted her haunches amidst the filthy, sooty ground, but then she noticed that steam was rising all around her. Also, the earth around her rump felt damp and uncomfortably hot. Some water from one of the boilers must have spilled there. She had not noticed it in the rush of the wreck, and the ground and autumn cold had dispersed its heat enough to keep it from scalding her when she had lain in it for those few brief moments. Still, it was a stark reminder of what would have happened had the jet of steam from the ruptured boiler actually struck her.

She stood, favoring her twisted hoof, and limped away from the hot, filthy spot amidst the field of spilled coal. She was absolutely filthy with coal dust and dirt ground into her fur all over, and the cooling boiler water on her belly and haunches was giving her a chill. All in all, she was sure she must be a pitiful sight, but she decided everypony would forgive her, given what she'd just barely managed to survive.

That thought made her realize something strange: Ponyville was empty. The sky was gray and overcast with a coming autumn rain, and a thin mist of fog lay over the town. She had taken it for dissipating steam from the crashed locomotives at first, but she realized now that it lay in a gray haze over the entire town.

She could not see anypony. Nor could she hear anypony, and that seemed even stranger. There had been a serious accident involving two passenger trains.

At the very least, she thought with a shudder, somepony should be screaming.

Nopony was screaming. There was not even the sound of a bird or a barking dog. She looked around.

“Hello!?” she called out, “Can somepony help me? My leg is twisted up really badly.”

There came no response.

“There might still be ponies on the trains!” she shouted. “Can somepony come help!?”

The mix of adrenaline and pain were bad enough, but the silence and lack of any response to her shouted pleas was making her frantic.

“Anypony at ALL!?”

She stopped, and balanced herself on her three good hooves.

“I don't get it,” she said, her voice quiet, but still edged with fear.

The town was just empty. The street vendors' stalls were there, but they appeared dirty and decrepit. She even noticed Rose's flower stand, but curiously, the flowers – the last roses of the year, most likely – were not lively and well-pruned, as they should be. They were wilted and ugly, and their thorns were so large that Derpy could see them from where she stood, many paces away.

“Odd,” she mumbled. "Rose would never try to sell those to anypony."

Even the parks were devoid of all activity. Nopony sat at any of the fountains in the square. It was as if the whole town had been abandoned in the few hours of Derpy's absence.

“This is weird,” she said, and she stumbled towards Sugar Cube Corner. Surely Pinkie Pie or one of the Cakes would be there, and she could ask them to help her to the hospital to get her injury seen to. She found it abandoned, like the rest of town, which solidified in her mind that something was most definitely wrong. Sugar Cube Corner was a popular destination at this time of year, owing to a huge variety of pumpkin-flavored cakes, pies, and other baked goods that were only available for a few short weeks.

As she drew near the door, she thought for a moment that she saw something move amidst a small copse of trees between two of the nearby shops. She stopped and looked that way, but seeing nothing else, she dismissed it as a trick of the fog.

She nudged the door open with her nose to save her hoof the strain, and hobbled inside the lobby. She was immediately relieved to see Pinkie Pie standing behind the counter.

“Oh, thank goodness,” said Derpy. “Pinkie, there was a really, really bad accident. I'm sure you heard it. My leg got twisted up, and I know there was at least the conductor still on one of those trains. I think we need to get him help right away – and anypony that was on the other one, too.”

“Hmm?” was Pinkie Pie's only response. She looked nervous, obviously forcing a smile, and shifted her weight uneasily as Derpy approached.

“Can you go get help from the hospital?” asked Derpy stumbling forward. “I don't think I can walk there, and it's so foggy I'm a little reluctant to try flying.”

“Uh, actually,” said Pinkie Pie, “I'm kinda scared to do anything right now, Derpy.”

“Wha.. huh?” said Derpy, tilting her head to one side. “Why?”

“Well,” sighed Pinkie Pie, “There's the creepy fog, the empty town, the fact that you look a whole lot like the heroine of a horror story, right down to the stereotypical not-quite-totally-debilitating injury that will slow you down just enough to ratchet up the tension when something starts chasing you... Oh, and Nightmare Night is, like, tomorrow. It's pretty much the works.”

“Pinkie,” said Derpy, Shaking her head, which swam with the fading of her adrenaline rush and the associated intensification of the pain in her injured leg, “you're not making any sense.”

“Not to you, maybe,” said Pinkie Pie, “but I am absolutely positive the only good decision I can make is to stay right here and act like nothing's going on.”

“How is that going to help anypony!?” asked Derpy, incredulously.

“In ways you can't even imagine,” said Pinkie Pie, nervously. “I just... I have a really bad track record with this kinda situation.”

“Well, are the Cakes here?” asked the pegasus, dumbfounded, “in the kitchen, maybe?”

She tried to step around the counter, and Pinkie jumped in front of her, holding her back with forehooves pressed against Derpy's chest.

“Not the kitchen!” said Pinkie Pie, nervously. “There are knives in there!”

“Knives?” asked Derpy.

“Yeah!” said Pinkie Pie, her voice growing more frantic, “I could have done something awful!”

The earth mare's eyes widened, and she grew so pale that some of the pink seemed to fade from her very fur.

“Ovens,” she said, and she gulped. “Muffin tins... You can make cupcakes with muffin tins...”

“Well, you can do that, yes,” said Derpy, “but I usually make mu...”

“THAT'S NOT THE POINT!” shouted Pinkie Pie, panic tearing at the edges of her voice.

The outburst startled Derpy so much that she backpedaled suddenly, despite the ache in her leg.

"Sorry," said Pinkie Pie.

“Pinkie, you're acting crazy,” said Derpy. “I mean more than usual, and in a bad way.”

“THAT IS EXACTLY THE POINT!” shouted Pinkie.

She bit her lower lip, having startled the pegasus a second time.

“Sorry again,” she said. She cleared her throat.

“It's... okay?” said Derpy.

“You know what?” asked the earth pony. “I'm going upstairs to my room. I'm gonna cuddle up in my bed, and sleep this whole thing through.”

She hopped the counter, and headed up the stairs.

Still uncertain what was going on, Derpy followed her, stumbling at every other step as she made her way to the second floor.

“Pinkie,” she plead, “I really need your help.”

Pinkie Pie spun as she reached the door of her room.

“You need anypony's help but mine, Derpy,” she said, firmly. “Just go away, and promise me you won't go into the kitchen or especially the basement. I have no idea what I was doing ten minutes ago, so this whole thing must be written from your perspective. In other words, if you don't see it, it basically didn't happen, and the mature filter doesn't axe us off everyone's front page feed along with all the clop!”

Pinky made a noise something between a gasp and a squeak, and bit down on her hoof.

“Did I say 'axed'?” she asked. “I didn't say 'axed.' – nothing getting axed in here, unless it's a question, amiright? Nosiree; no axes, axing, or anypony getting axed in Sugar Cube Corner, today.”

“Pinkie, you're scaring me,” said Derpy, backing away.

“You have not seen anything like Scary Pinkie Pie,” said the pink mare, “and I don't want you to.”

She took a deep breath, and smiled.

“You have a wonderful, harrowing adventure, Derpy,” said the pony. “I'm gonna have a wonderful nap.”

With that, Pinkie Pie turned, opened the door to her room, stepped inside, and slammed it behind her.

Derpy stood, feeling forlorn and abandoned, listening to the sounds of Pinkie's hooves ascending the short flight of stairs beyond the door.

“But I... need...”

The sound of the hooves reversed, growing louder, and the door opened, once more.

“Well, that was a dumb idea,” said Pinkie, her face fixed in an exasperated scowl. “Gonna need three gallons of bleach, a bunch of paper towels, a roll of fifty-gallon garbage bags, and some power tools.”

Derpy just stared, blinking for several moments.

“For what?” she finally asked.

“You don't wanna know,” grumbled Pinkie. heading back down the stairs with Derpy in unsteady, hobbling tow.

“Shoulda stayed in the lobby,” sighed the earth pony.

“Pinkie I don't know what's going on,” said Derpy.

“At least they're all just pallet swaps,” said Pinkie, paying Derpy's protest no attention as she headed towards the kitchen. “I think, anyway,” she said, stopping suddenly, and looking back over her shoulder. “You know a unicorn mare that looks a lot like Amethyst Star or Minuette, but kinda teal-colored with a blonde mane?”

“I think I may have seen her around, but I don't really know her name,” said Derpy. “What's that got to do with...”

“Yeah, that's probably a pallet swap,” said Pinkie, opening the door to the kitchen.

“MERCIFUL CELESTIA!” the Pink mare literally screamed, and she turned around, her right eye and nose twitching.

“There aren't enough paper towels in Equestria,” she said, and she shook her head slowly, eyes wide, stunned at whatever had been beyond the door.

“Wait,” she said, “I'm Pinkie Pie... I could just... Never mind. There aren't even enough paper towels in hammerspace! I mean... it's like... How'd it get inside the light fixtures!?”

“I still just do not understand,” said Derpy, staring at Pinkie Pie, who seemed less frightened than before, though still stunned and exasperated.

“Good news, Derpy,” she said. “I'm going with you.”

Derpy's eyes brightened, and she felt a weight of loneliness lift off her shoulders.

“Thank you so much, Pinkie,” she said.

“Eh, don't mention it,” huffed Pinkie Pie. “From the looks of it, I'm a psychopath... again, and if I want to not be a psychopath, we better figure out some way to fix whatever turned Ponyville into Silent flippin' Hill.”

“Turned where into what?” asked Derpy.

“You know what?” said Pinkie. “Never mind. Let's get going.”

“Alright,” said Derpy. “I think.”

Pinkie Pie shrugged.

“So,” said Derpy. “Hospital?”

Pinkie gave a long, groaning sigh.

“Sure, why not?” she said sarcastically. “I'm sure that'll be safe.”

“This doesn't look safe, at all,” said Derpy. “This looks like the opposite of safe.”

The hospital was so rife with what seemed like decades of neglect and decrepitude that the very sight of it made Derpy feel physically ill. The windows on its front wall were all cracked and filthy, and though lights were on behind several of them, they flickered unevenly, as if on the verge of dying. Its face was stained with mold in some places, and elsewhere covered in moss. The sign was faded beyond legibility, except for a single piece of graffiti: the words “Get well soon,” hastily scrawled in red spray paint that had trickled down beneath them.

“I don't want to go in there, Pinkie,” said Derpy.

“Oh, come on,” said Pinkie. “We can just run in, get your leg fixed up, and get right back out. It won't be any trouble at all.”

“Are you sure?” asked Derpy.

“Absolutely positive,” said Pinkie Pie.

The pair stepped up to the doors of the hospital, and were surprised to find them locked -- not locked from the inside, as one would imagine, but chained and padlocked from the outside, as if somepony had been desperate to keep something inside the hospital, rather than out.

"I don't get this," said Derpy. "What's going on? Who would chain the doors of the hospital shut?"

"Somepony with a chain," said Pinkie Pie. "Somepony with scrap lumber would have probably boarded it shut."

"Pinkie Pie," Derpy huffed, "I meant why would they."

"Then why'd you ask 'who'?" asked Pinkie Pie.

"Never mind," sighed Derpy. "Just look for another way in."

"Why?" asked Pinkie Pie.

"Because, there's a cha..." Derpy turned her head toward the earth mare in the middle of her exasperated explanation, and was stopped mid-word.

Pinkie Pie was holding a pair of bolt cutters.

"I bought these after Twilight and I did a B&E, once."

"A what?" asked Derpy.

"Breaking and Entering," said Pinkie Pie, "only there wasn't much breaking, really. I was always disappointed by that; can I do some breaking this time?"

"Well, I guess you can cut the chain," said Derpy. "It's probably not safe to have the place chained up like this. What if there's a fire?"

"Yeah," said Pinkie Pie, grinning, "What if there's a fire?"

About half an hour later, Derpy hobbled from the burning hospital lobby as fast as her splinted leg would let her. The flames were licking at the ceiling, now, and support beams crashed down all around her. Just when it seemed she would reach the door in one piece, one of the beams fell directly across her wings, pinning her to the floor.

She could feel the heat of its burning mass, and strained to breath as its weight pressed down on her ribcage.

Was the thing that had once certainly been Nurse Red Heart still after her?

She looked back over her shoulder, and discovered, to her utmost disappointment, that it most certainly was. She had recognized the creature as having once been the nurse mostly by its cutie mark. Its face was right as well, but only in a sense far too academic for the pegasus to appreciate at that moment; Nurse Red Heart generally wore very little makeup, and this creature's face was covered in what looked like the unsupervised efforts of a child to make herself appear glamorous. There was also the fact that her pupils – not the entire iris, but just the pupils of her eyes – were white.

And she was coming slowly Derpy's way, her fur smoldering in several places, and an oversized scalpel clutched in her teeth.

Worst of all, she was only the vanguard in a mob of what had once been ponies, most of them clad in hospital gowns, and all of them emaciated and shivering, as if in the final stages of some terrible disease. Like Nurse Red Heart, all of their pupils were stark white, and all wore makeup. Unlike the nurse's, however, theirs was like some malign parody of what Derpy knew they must certainly be. It was the cheesy, too-darkly-sunken eyes and overdone highlight makeup of an old zombie movie. It would have seemed utterly ridiculous, like a badly done -- if elaborate -- practical joke, except that the ones that had followed Pinkie Pie into the incinerator earlier had soon crawled back out on fire.

They approached her still, not moaning as everything Derpy knew about zombies said they should, but crying -- weeping and wailing, some of them coughing and retching, but all of them intermittently crying out for help, shouting that they did not want to die.

“I don't wanna die, either!” rasped the pegasus, straining to lift the beam from her back.

She managed to move it ever so slightly, and for a moment, she felt it shift enough that she thought she might be able to wriggle her way free. Then, to her horror, the beam's end shifted on a loose piece of debris, and the whole thing came back down upon her more heavily than ever.

She was pinned tight.

Not like this, she thought, after everything else, not like this!

Suddenly, from the corner of her eye, she caught sight of something pink.

It was Pinkie Pie, and she was wedging herself beneath one end of the burning beam which held Derpy pinned.

“Pinkie!?” said Derpy, as the other mare heaved against the beam. “How did you get out of the incinerator!?”

“I was off-page,” said Pinkie Pie, finally managing to lift the beam enough to gain Derpy some freedom of movement. "Now, go!"

Derpy squirmed her way free, and headed for the door, followed quickly by Pinkie, who let the beam drop behind her. Almost immediately after they cleared the door, the remaining support beams of the lobby's ceiling gave way, sealing the door shut behind them. At last, they were safe on the hospital lawn, and both sprawled out beneath the wild, dancing glow of the burning building.

“Pinkie,” huffed Derpy, struggling for every breath against her own lungs, half-full of smoke from her escape from the inferno. She drew a breath, and spoke again, carefully.

“Pinkie, those were zombies,” she said.

“Well... I'd say they were physical manifestations of the despair and loathing we ultimately begin to feel toward the terminally ill when we realize that we're basically powerless in the face of death's indifference and inevitability,” said Pinkie Pie, stopping to take a deep breath. “But yeah, functionally zombies. Why do you think I burned the place down?”

“Not gonna lie,” said Derpy, still gulping for air, “it seemed like you kinda enjoyed that part of it, what with the way you were... laughing.”

“Yeah,” said Pinkie. “Really gotta figure out what's going on so I can fix that. Definitely shouldn't enjoy burning hospitals... But, hey! We got a splint on that leg of yours!”

“It's just a splint, though,” whined Derpy. “I need a doctor to really, you know... fix it!”

“Did you see the doctors in there?” asked Pinkie. “They weren't interested. 'Specially not that one guy with a photo-realistic rubber horse mask on his head. Wonder what that was about." She paused for a moment, and gave a puzzled look. "And why was it wearing rouge and eyeshadow?”

“No idea,” mumbled the pegasus, reaching back to rub at one of her wings with her good hoof. Like her right foreleg, both of them were now sprained from the impact of the falling beam.

Derpy gave a few more coughs, expelling the last of the fouled air from her lungs.

“Well, what do we do now?” she asked, sitting up.

Out in the trees she thought she noticed once more something like a dark gray shape moving – no, receding – into the shadows, but in this fog, there was no way to be certain that it was not a trick of her eyes.

“Well,” said Pinkie Pie, likewise bringing herself to her haunches, “if we want to find out what's going on, it might be good for us to go talk to somepony who knows a little something about basically everything, and that's Twilight.”

“Okay,” said Derpy, standing up fully. “Let's get to the castle.”

Like the rest of Ponyville, Twilight Sparkle's castle did not look like itself. Most notably, the crystal tree which wove around it and held it aloft was no longer crystal, but filthy-looking gray granite. Furthermore, the castle itself appeared cracked and crumbled with age, and was the color of dried blood rather than its characteristic bright yellows and purples. Lastly, it was circled and roosted upon by dozens of enormous ravens that gave scattered squawks and caws at the approach of the two mares.

Derpy stood in its shadow for several minutes, staring up at it in complete trepidation, unwilling to step forward.

“I wonder if she's home.” said Pinkie Pie, after the pair had managed to fully take in the sight.

“I hope not,” said Derpy.

“Well,” said Pinkie Pie. “One way to find out.”

Pinkie hopped merrily towards the door, and Derpy reached out a hoof to try and stop her, but in her state, she was simply not nimble enough to keep up with Pinkie Pie's ever-present, giddy alacrity. In a few moments, Pinkie Pie planted herself before the door, and knocked several times quickly.

It was Spike who opened the door, and he was dressed in a butler's uniform.

“Fair Pinkamena,” he said. “Have you brought tribute to she in whose sway all these lands are so mightily held?” he asked, indicating Ponyville with a claw which appeared oddly sharper than Derpy remembered, even at a distance of several paces.

“Uh, we were really just hoping we could talk to her,” said Pinkie Pie. “Isn't that right, Derpy?”

“Ah,” said the dragon, “The courier.”

“Why does everypony keep calling me 'courier,' today?” asked Derpy.

“The sovereign queen of Ponyville has need of your services, you of eyes so unhallowed. Wait here.”

Spike shut the door, leaving the two mares standing there, staring at each other in bewilderment.

“So, does this mean she's like an evil witch queen now, or something?” asked Derpy.

“You're catching on!” said Pinkie Pie, “but frankly the castle should have tipped you off earlier.”

“Oh, I had a hunch,” said Derpy.

There came a tremendous puff of purple smoke that seemed to fill all the air around her, and suddenly Derpy stood in the central chamber of the castle. Its décor was decidedly different than usual, with the circle of thrones replaced by a bubbling cauldron in the midst of a circle of braziers. Their torches burned with an unnatural light that seemed to shift through a spectrum of blues, pinks, and purples, and either they or the bubbling mixture in the cauldron gave off the scent of sulfur.

Behind the cauldron stood Twilight Sparkle, herself. She wore a black cloak and a pointed witch hat, but otherwise appeared not at all different.

“Welcome, Derpy Hooves,” said the Princess. “I have for you an unholy mission which is of utmost importance to the expansion of my dark domain.”

“Oh dear,” said Derpy, cringing through a smile. “And what would that be?”

Twilight stepped to a table in a far corner of the room, and indicated a box that say upon it.

“Deliver this box of canned maredrake screams to Applejack so she can use them to fertilize next year's apple crop. I'm trying to raise an undead army, and it's slow going.”

“Really?” asked Derpy, frankly. “Have you been by the hospital? They've got zombies a-plenty over there.”

“I know, but they're all unionized,” said Twilight. “They won't do anything horrific, cannibalistic, or even mildly spooky outside the hospital. Simply isn't allowed under the terms of the charter.”

“But you're the... you know... Dark Queen of Ponyville,” said Derpy.

“It's a very strong union,” said Twilight, bitterly.

“Sorry to hear that,” said Derpy.

“No matter,” said Twilight, waving Derpy off dismissively with a hoof, and levitating the box directly into Derpy's saddlebag.

“Just drop that off by Rotten Apple Acres some time this afternoon,” said the alicorn, “and if you'd like to volunteer for service in the TSUA, just take a bite out of any fresh, juicy apple in next year's first crop. Do me a favor and make sure there are as many ponies within earshot as possible when you do.”

“Well, I'd love to serve my... eh... dark queen as much as anypony,” said Derpy, giggling nervously, “but if I did that, who'd take care of your deliveries?”

“I appreciate your concern,” said Twilight Sparkle, “but it is a sacrifice I'm willing to make.”

“How noble,” said Derpy, trying to sound sincere.

Twilight raised an eyebrow at her disapprovingly.

“Darkly noble!” said Derpy suddenly, as if correcting herself.

“I do my best to bear the weight of my office with grace,” said Twilight Sparkle, giving a genuine tone of humility to the words.

“Also,” said the alicorn, “take this pack of warning labels I had printed, and make sure Applejack knows they are to be affixed to the barrels in which the maredrake apples are shipped.”

“Warning labels?” asked Derpy.

“The Equestrian Food Purity Administration requires that any enchanted or otherwise potentially hazardous food have an appropriate warning label explaining its potential adverse effects. The last thing the Apple Family or I need is a lawsuit on our hooves, after all.”

“I see,” said Derpy, flatly, as Twilight tucked the pack of labels into her bag next to the maredrake screams.

“Now, off with you,” said Twilight.

Twilight's horn flashed, and once again, in a puff of smoke, Derpy stood outside the castle, where Pinkie Pie was waiting patiently.

“So, is she an evil witch queen?” asked Pinkie, upon seeing the pegasus reappear.

“Yeah,” said Derpy, “but bless her heart; I don't think she's any good at it.”

“It's a no-go here, then," said Pinkie Pie. "Where to next?”

“I don't know,” said Derpy. “I'm not sure who else would know anything that could help us.”

“Well, there's Zecora, but to talk to her, we'll have to go into the Everfree Forest, and that would mean getting past that scary shadow thingy that keeps following us.”

“You've seen it, too?” asked Derpy,

“Yeah,” said Pinkie. “It's, like, right over there.”

She pointed a hoof, and Derpy's eyes follow its direction. Sure enough, a gray mass faded into darkness amidst the border of the Everfree Forest. This time, the pegasus got a better look at it, and she noticed that in form, it was vaguely like a pony.

“Pinkie, I'm scared,” said Derpy.

“Ah, don't panic, said the Earth Pony, “the reveal on something like that's never what you build it up to be in your mind.”

They wandered into and through the Everfree Forest, one hopping gingerly while the other stumbled, hobbled, and struggled to stay on her hooves.

“Pinkie, could you slow down?” asked Derpy.

“I could,” said Pinkie Pie, “but I really don't wanna slow down right now because there have been lots of creepy noises coming from the trees, and they've been getting closer and closer this whole time, almost like something's stalking us.”

“Something is stalking us, Pinkie,” said Derpy. “We discussed this.”

“I know,” said Pinkie, “but I'm trying to make things a little spookier.”

“WHY!?” shouted Derpy, and the sound echoed off of distant rocks and mountains.

Pinkie stopped, and turned to face her.

“Atmosphere?” she shrugged.

Derpy stared at her, blinking mindlessly for several seconds, and finally spoke.

“Why?” she asked. “Why does everypony think I'm the village idiot, when somepony like you exists?”

“Background shot in the pilot episode,” said Pinkie Pie.

“I...” Derpy began, and said nothing for a few moments after. “What?” ended up being all she could add.

“Oh, hi Fluttershy!” said the Pink mare suddenly, and Derpy's head snapped towards the direction Pinkie had been facing.

It was most assuredly Fluttershy. The color, the cutie mark, and the face were all absolutely right. Why, she even had wings. However, the usual compassion and timidity that characterized her visage were vanished – replaced by mad desire and hunger. Of course, the fact that her wings were furred and bat-like rather than feathered and bird-like also struck the gray pegasus, as did the tufts of hair on the tips of her ears, and the fangs. It was those burning, desirous, hungry eyes, however, that drew the bulk of Derpy's attention.

“Fluttershy,” She said shakily, still staring at those eyes, “are you what's been... hunting me?”

Fluttershy's answer was to pounce on her like a cat that had found a particularly juicy mouse, and after rolling a short distance, Derpy found herself pinned at her shoulders beneath a pair of yellow hooves possessed of a strength that the form of the mare behind them did not at all warrant.

“Oh yeah,” she heard Pinkie Pie mention from somewhere nearby, “Flutterbat (We call her Flutterbat when she gets like this.) is a vampire, now. Don't worry, though; she drinks juice; not blood.” There came a pause. “Usually,” Pinkie continued, “but with the way things have been today... Yeah; you should probably be worried.”

For the first time that day, Derpy completely ignored Pinkie Pie.

“Fluttershy,” she said, staring up into the wild, murderous eyes, “it's me, Derpy Hooves.”

Fluttershy responded only by opening her mouth, further exposing her glistening fangs, and hissing.

“Come on, Fluttershy,” she said. “We grew up together, back in Cloudsdale!”

Fluttershy's tongue worked its way slowly from one the tip of one fang to the other.

“When we were little we used to play in the snowbox at recess, all the time!”

“Wait, is that like a sandbox, but with snow!?” said Pinkie. “That is so not fair!”

Fluttershy, like Derpy, ignored Pinkie's outburst, but she did not seem to recall this particular memory. So, Derpy tried another.

“And then there was that time in junior high when that colt you liked poured soda in your mane in front of everypony!”

At this, the Flutterbat recoiled a bit, and snarled.

“All I had was a rock box, for cryin' out loud!” said Pinkie Pie.

Derpy did not pay her any mind, but searched for another memory of Fluttershy to try and call her back from her madness.

“And the time three years later when you still had a big crush on him, but he asked Cloudkicker to the prom, instead."

Derpy thought for a moment, then rolled her eyes at what she, herself, had just said.

“I'm not making this the least bit better, am I?” she asked.

“I'm gonna bite your neck now,” said the Flutterbat. “Um... if that's okay with you, I mean.”

Derpy blinked several times and said nothing.

“Well, since you're not saying 'no,'" said Flutterbat, quickly, and thrust her face downward to bite down on Derpy's neck.

The gray pegasus shrieked at the top of her lungs for about a second, then realized that there had been none of the expected pain of a pair of puncture wounds, or even the crushing of strong, vampiric jaws around her jugular. The sensation was, however, immediately familiar to her.

“Fluttershy,” she said flatly, “are... are you giving me a hickey?”

“Mmmhmm,” came Fluttershy's muffled voice.

“Well, hello, hello, hellellellellell-O!” said Pinkie Pie, punctuating the phrase with a flawlessly mimicked cat's growl.

“Uh... I'm not really... okay with this,” said Derpy, trying to keep her voice civil.

“I don't have to watch,” said Pinkie Pie, as the Flutterbat withdrew.

“That is not even CLOSE to the problem, Pinkie,” said Derpy, shuffling herself out from under the vampire pony, who had stood up, taking her weight off the pegasus' body.

"Um, well... This is awkward,” said Fluttershy, clearing her throat. “So where were you ladies headed?”

“Zecora's” said Pinkie Pie. “We were gonna see if she had some idea of what was going on with Ponyville.”

“Ponyville's fine,” said Fluttershy. “I just came from there.”

“We know,” said Derpy. “You've been following me all afternoon.”

“Well... really for more like ten, maybe twelve, years,” said Fluttershy, sheepishly.

“Let's not talk about that right now... or ever.” said Derpy. “But I mean I've seen you hiding in the trees a few times today.”

Fluttershy gave a puzzled look.

“I've been hiding on top of the buildings and in the attics and in the school belfry,” she said, this last location prompting a single, sharp “HA!” from Pinkie Pie. “I haven't been in the trees until the last few minutes when I followed you into the woods, here.”

Derpy saw, at that moment, closer now than ever, the gray shadow, looming behind where Pinkie Pie stood.

Seeing her expression, Pinkie Pie sat down and crossed her forelegs.

“Not gonna look,” she said. “Tell me when it's gone.”

It faded once again into the mist, and Derpy turned her eyes towards Pinkie Pie.

“How did you know it wouldn't grab you?” she asked.

“I'm funny,” said Pinkie Pie. “I won't get got until the very end, when it's all serious time, and stuff.”

“Fair enough,” said Derpy.

The Flutterbat gave an awkward “Um,” to get the other ponies' attention, and then spoke in earnest.

“Well, uh, I guess I'm gonna go find somepony else who's... you know... into me.”

Her tone was so pitiful that it prompted a sigh from Derpy.

“Fluttershy, it's not that you're not...”

“No, no, no, I understand,” sighed the vampire bat pony. “I really shouldn't have just assumed something like that, and I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I'll just go, now.”

With that, Fluttershy took off silently, and flew away over the treetops.

“Okay,” said Derpy, once she was certain Fluttershy was out of earshot. “What was that all about? I'd rather she just drank my blood, like a normal vampire.”

“That was normal for a vampire,” said Pinkie Pie. “Read some vampire books; that's pretty much the main sort of thing they do, when you get right down to it – like, way, way more than they kill anyone. I think that's kind of all they're really used for, these days.”

“Really?” asked Derpy.

“Really,” said Pinkie Pie. “They aren't a very good monster, anymore.”

“Ugh,” grunted Derpy. “And of course, she had to be a bat pony, too. Can we just go find the zebra?”

“Sure,” said Pinkie Pie. “Follow meeeeeeee!”

Comments

[Mangafanatic22]

Silent Ponyville. Nice. And Flutterbat!

[Darksymphony777]

5270108 don't forget cupcakes and I think one other that has to do with twilight but I can't remember can anyone help out

[Hyper Mind]

“Fluttershy,” she said flatly, “are... are you giving me a hickey?”
“Mmmhmm,” came Fluttershy's muffled voice.
“Well, hello, hello, hellellellellell-O!” said Pinkie Pie, punctuating the phrase with a flawlessly mimicked cat's growl.
“Uh... I'm not really... okay with this,” said Derpy, trying to keep her voice civil.
“I don't have to watch,” said Pinkie Pie, as the Flutterbat withdrew.
“That is not even CLOSE to the problem, Pinkie,” said Derpy, shuffling herself out from under the vampire pony, who had stood up, taking her weight off the pegasus' body.
"Um, well... This is awkward,” said Fluttershy, clearing her throat. “So where were you ladies headed?”