Reign of Fire

by MarvelBrony

Chapter Four

The soft morning sunlight lay over the fields and woodlands around Ponyville, bathing it in a green glow. Everywhere that is, except for the Everfree Forest. While some bits of sunlight crept in around the edges of the forest and touched the tops of the trees, most of it remain dark and cool, as though it was perpetually dusk.

It just so happened that Voltspark hated this kind of atmosphere. He liked the open air with plenty of clouds and bright sun beams to crackle and spark around his electric aura. Sure he also enjoyed thunderstorms a lot, what with the abundance of water-soaked clouds and, of course, the electrical charges everywhere, but this damp, dark, spooky forest was much different. He hated it.

Voltspark cursed under his breath when he stepped in a damp patch of earth, muddying his normally glistening coat. He knew why his sister had chosen this place as a base of operations, but he still hated it.

As he was rounding a bend through a large clump of rocks and bushes, he heard a rustle in the shrubbery behind him. He crouched down and slowly glanced back, his horn beginning to spark and glow with electric energy. Literally as fast as lightning he shot up into the air just as a long, lithe form leaped out and hit the spot he had been just seconds before. He landed on a rock several yards away and glared at the attacker, his horn now fully energized. The creature turned its cat-like head towards him and hissed viciously, its forked tongue lashing about and its golden eyes glistening with a predator’s fury.

He snorted and smirked. “A tatzelwyrm, eh? This should be an easy one.”

The monster rose up on its long snake-like tail, as it had no back legs, and hissed again, suddenly charging forward at a terrifying speed. Voltspark grinned and bolted through the air, angling just above it. The tatzelwyrm slashed out with its long clawed forelegs, but Voltspark was far too fast. He zipped right by the creature and whirled in mid-air, diving back down at its neck, horn lowered. Before the tatzelwyrm could react, Voltspark’s razor-sharp horn pierced through the back of its scaly neck, at the same time unleashing a surge of electricity into its body. The monster shrieked and snarled in agony as it thrashed about, its body pulsating from the electric power. Voltspark ripped his bloody horn from its neck and flew up, watching as the tatzelwyrm writhed on the ground until finally it lay still, blood oozing from its neck and smoke rising off its burned body.

A smooth female voice drifted out from behind a rocky structure, “Impressive. Though I hope the news you bring me is even more so.”

Voltspark turned to the voice, grinning. “Hah, that was nothin’ and you know it, sister. I’ve taken down creatures way more savage than some lousy tatzelwyrm.”

The owner of the other voice stepped out from her hiding place, stalking quietly over towards her brother. She was a very tall pony, even taller than Voltspark, although her sharp mane added to the height. She stared at him impassively through eerie bright green eyes. Eerie, because they were the same type of eyes one might see on a dragon; cold, slanting eyes with a long thin pupil and lined retinas. Her coat, if it could even be called that, was of a dark green color, with some small patches of lighter green dabbled over it. Her body was covered with a weird mixture of fur and scales, predominantly the latter. Her green mane was tall and sharp, giving the appearance of spines. Her tail, while still sharp, was more flowing, slipping gracefully down between her legs like a snake. In addition to all this, a long sharp horn jutted out from her head and a pair of dragon-like wings lay folded on her back.

She continued to stare coldly at Voltspark while she spoke, her voice smooth and slightly hissing. “Of course. But what news do you have for me? Have you found her yet?”

Voltspark shrugged and wiped his blood-stained horn on a tree, muttering, “Nah, didn’t find her. But I did meet this interesting pegasus named Rainbow Dash. By Tartarus, she was fast! Not nearly as fast as myself though. I think she would make an excellent addition to our force.”

The dragon-pony frowned and narrowed her eyes. A small forked tongue flicked out from between her teeth as she hissed, “Well that’s just great. Once again you prove your incompetence. Can’t you ever do any mission without showing off to some mare?”

Voltspark rolled his eyes and snorted, electric sparks arcing off of him as he did. “Ah, I wasn’t showing off! I was just getting friendly with the locals, you know. I did ask Dash about it but she hadn’t seen anything.”

His sister smiled slightly. “Well fortunately for you I have actually had some luck. And by that I mean I saw her.”

Voltspark’s eyes widened. “You saw her? Where was she? And why the heck didn’t you tell me that in the first place?”

She grinned crookedly at him, only answering his first two questions. “Yes, I saw her in the town, along with another pony, an orange one wearing a hat; seemed like the country bumpkin type. They were going somewhere, but I didn’t know where exactly.”

She turned and started walking out towards the forest. Voltspark sputtered, “B-but why did you come back here?! Why not just follow them directly there?”

She glanced back and smiled coldly. “You were never one for subtlety, were you, Volty?”

He turned his head and grumbled. “Don’t call me that, Dracona.”

“Then don’t question my methods. I know what I’m doing.”

He looked up. “And that is....?”

Dracona turned to him and grinned, her horn glowing. She closed her eyes and suddenly her skin began to writhe and quiver, morphing and changing into something other than herself. Her horn melted off and her wings molded into her sides. While this would normally have been a shocking scene, Voltspark had seen it many times before, and he simply stared at his morphing sister with hooded eyes. Dracona then began to change color as well. Her stiff mane and lithe tail puffed out, turning a bright pink. Her body, now fully pony and much smaller, changed to pink as well.

Voltspark cocked an eyebrow and asked incredulously, “And who is that supposed to be?”

Dracona opened her eyes and smiled cheerfully at him. She had shape-shifted into a perfect likeness of none other than Pinkie Pie. Even her voice now matched perfectly as she spoke, “Why, I’m Pinkie Pie! I know everypony in Ponyville and I love parties!”

Voltspark grimaced. “Ugh, you sound absolutely revolting. Too happy and.... pink.”

Pinkie Pie (or rather Dracona) suddenly frowned and spat. “I know, but when going undercover I must take on my likeness perfectly. I saw this Pinkie Pie talk to the orange pony and they seemed to know each other. I followed Ms. Pie for a few minutes, studying her actions and mannerisms. Now I wish I had chosen somepony else.” She shuddered. “But a mission is a mission, no matter how difficult. I’m going to pay a visit to that orange pony and see what she knows, then I’ll go from there.”

Voltspark shrugged. “Whatever you think will work. By the way, what if she tells these ponies all about, you know, us? Won’t that blow the mission?”

Dracona rolled her eyes. “Oh please. As if they can do anything about it anyway. It’s not like they have direct connections with the Tyrant Celestia. Besides, we can easily take out any that try to get in our way.” She then turned and trotted off. “You stay here and keep a low profile. And feel free to kill any monsters you come across.”

Voltspark grinned and flew up to the rocky structure.

Dracona (alias Pinkie Pie) smiled to herself as she stalked along the forest floor. Soon, very soon, they would have her. And then the real mission would begin.

Comments

[Eustatian Wings]

Everypony's first story is about sex or violence. Hmm. I think my theory is proven right once again.

Reading.

[Eustatian Wings]

Ch 1 Weelll, you've got a sense of "show, don't tell." This made me laugh:

> But her eyes were the most intriguing. They were a dark navy blue color, almost black. In fact, if they glinted in the light a certain way, they were black; a shiny, piercing black, as dark as a moonless midnight. As dark as obsidian.

That's proverbially a Mary Sue trait, and the sort of thing a shallow reader will quit on.

Ch 2:

My God, it's Pikachu.

Eyes Sue has the power to destroy Equestria. Pikastu can out-fly Rainbow Dash. Uh...

Ch 3
Pinkie Pie throws a welcome party? In character, but has the potential to be boring. Oh, good, she doesn't.

Oh, good, you foreshadow the beginning of conflict. Getting to it faster would be good, but these chapters are so short, you might get away with it.

Ch 4

Action scenes are difficult to write well. You do a passable job, at least.

And, another special-snowflake character.
--

I have to say that the biggest problem with Sues is that it's darn near impossible to present them with interesting challenges. The result is a boring story. It seems like you might avoid that pitfall by pitting them against each other, which is good. Your writing is above the level of the average new writer, also good.

But as a reader, I'm curious where all these superponies are coming from, and vaguely uneasy that they will overshadow the canon characters I like. If at all possible, I recommend revising them to be ordinary ponies, not endowed with special coloration and pseudo-alicorn powers like simultaneous pegasus and unicorn magic.

This will force you to make them interesting on the force of their character, their choices, feelings, and goals. Ultimately, that will make a better story.

[MarvelBrony]

510117

Thank you for reviewing my story, I'm honored. Yeah, it starts out kinda slow but it will get better as it goes along, I promise. As for the Mary Sue problems you mentioned, I have plans for that; they won't be Sues for long (at least I hope not; if it gets too bad I can change some stuff). Where they get their powers will also be explained. And don't worry, the canon characters will get plenty of time and action; I have a 'crowing moment of awesome' planned for several of them.

Once again, thank you for reading and critiquing it; I appreciate that very much.

(Additionally, Voltspark and Dracona are based on two supervillains from Marvel Comics: Electro and Mystique, respectively)