Darkness falls on Equestria as an enemy long thought dead returns to claim the throne and turn Equestria into a nation of war. When a mysterious dark unicorn arrives in Ponyville seeking shelter, the Mane Six find themselves caught up in a battle the likes of which they have never seen. What connection does this dark pony have with the rising threat? Can Twilight and her friends win the fight when even Celestia and Luna fall? What secrets has Celestia been hiding from her subjects? Can a sonic rainboom outpace a living lightning bolt? All of this and more will be answered when Equestria comes under a new reign. A reign of fire.
Chapters (10)
493921 dam yyou chapter two now I can't decide A.which character I like more and B.who's evil dam you chapter two
Everypony's first story is about sex or violence. Hmm. I think my theory is proven right once again.
Reading.
Ch 1 Weelll, you've got a sense of "show, don't tell." This made me laugh:
> But her eyes were the most intriguing. They were a dark navy blue color, almost black. In fact, if they glinted in the light a certain way, they were black; a shiny, piercing black, as dark as a moonless midnight. As dark as obsidian.
That's proverbially a Mary Sue trait, and the sort of thing a shallow reader will quit on.
Ch 2:
My God, it's Pikachu.
Eyes Sue has the power to destroy Equestria. Pikastu can out-fly Rainbow Dash. Uh...
Ch 3
Pinkie Pie throws a welcome party? In character, but has the potential to be boring. Oh, good, she doesn't.
Oh, good, you foreshadow the beginning of conflict. Getting to it faster would be good, but these chapters are so short, you might get away with it.
Ch 4
Action scenes are difficult to write well. You do a passable job, at least.
And, another special-snowflake character.
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I have to say that the biggest problem with Sues is that it's darn near impossible to present them with interesting challenges. The result is a boring story. It seems like you might avoid that pitfall by pitting them against each other, which is good. Your writing is above the level of the average new writer, also good.
But as a reader, I'm curious where all these superponies are coming from, and vaguely uneasy that they will overshadow the canon characters I like. If at all possible, I recommend revising them to be ordinary ponies, not endowed with special coloration and pseudo-alicorn powers like simultaneous pegasus and unicorn magic.
This will force you to make them interesting on the force of their character, their choices, feelings, and goals. Ultimately, that will make a better story.
510117
Thank you for reviewing my story, I'm honored. Yeah, it starts out kinda slow but it will get better as it goes along, I promise. As for the Mary Sue problems you mentioned, I have plans for that; they won't be Sues for long (at least I hope not; if it gets too bad I can change some stuff). Where they get their powers will also be explained. And don't worry, the canon characters will get plenty of time and action; I have a 'crowing moment of awesome' planned for several of them.
Once again, thank you for reading and critiquing it; I appreciate that very much.
(Additionally, Voltspark and Dracona are based on two supervillains from Marvel Comics: Electro and Mystique, respectively)
509986
And as a side note, this isn't a grimdark story; I don't like those. This is just an adventure/fantasy/war story that involves some level of violence.
“Oh oh, I know! Twilight can go and visit a weird old green creature in a swamp and learn powerful new magic to defeat Psyron!”
“No, wait, we need to take that one ring and toss it in a volcano! Then that’ll take him down for good!”
“Or waitaminute, we can find seven thingies that Psyron put his soul into and-“
star wars
lord of the rings
harry potter
nice
534046
Eeyup 
534286
and I haven't even finished the chapter
Hmm.........Christian Bale movie title reference much?