In the grim darkness of the far future, there is only war
Chapter 1: Shatter the Sky
On board the Thunderhawk traveling through Equestrian Orbit,
UltraColt Twilight awaits for the next mission.
Beside her is her librarian, Spike.
Across the carrier was a new recruit
He wore his armor with pride, including his helmet.
Moments later a screen across the carrier flickered on, Inquisitor Spitfire Appeared
"Good marrow UltraColts,"
"According to reports, it appears your recruiting town, Pony Ville, is being under invasion of Xenos" Said Spitfire,
"We are sending you to deny any Access until the liberation fleet arrives, also we are sending in Black Pegasus and Pony Guard to assist"
"Why would we need help from a bunch of Xenos" replied spike, easing in his seat
"Those primitive DiMads Dogz can't even handle all three of us"
"Patience Librarian, let the Inquisitor speak" said Twilight.
"Thank you Twilight" said Spitfire, "Since Pony Ville stands between DiMad Dogz and Clouds Dale, Reports have seen sightings of cleared forest paths of giant trak trends. The inquisition is assuming of a new DiMad Dogz War Machine."
"Thank you Spitfire, we will be well informed" said Twilight
The screen flickers off and the recruit feeling unease in his chair
"Spike showing such disrespect against the Inquisitor could get you killed" said the recruit
"the inquisition is just near to the the council" replied spike "Unless I'm tainted with chaos I'm damn sure I'm fine"
"Enough of you two" said Twilight Calmly "We must focus on different matters in our recruit world in Pony Ville"
The speakers of the ship came alive and the pilot's voice was heard
"Twilight we are approaching the drop zone, get prepared in a pod"
Twilight instantly stood up and headed for a Pod and said,
"come on you two, make hast we must drop soon"
And just in that moment a huge explosion shook the craft and the recruit fell over as spike back slammed into a wall.
The pilot came on over the speakers
"Sir, DiMad Dogz DiMad Baks are attacking our ship, our broad engines have been hit" a pause...
"We are losing altitude" As another explosion shook the ship in the opposite direction.
"Save yourself pilot launch the pods in 2 minutes" yelled Twilight
Twilight pushed the recruit into the pod, along with Spike and jumped in as it was being ejected.
Inside the pod, it was dark and claustrophobic. The feeling of free fall filled the recruit with fear and contempt.
The sounds of explosions and gunfire in the background. And also a DiMad TrOl Screaming.
The Adrenaline filled the recruit's Blood as excitement and fear took his mind as he shook and shaked in his seat inside the pod.He could barely speak. All he heard was the force of the wind passing the pod.
A few moments later a Huge Explosion of an impact erupted as the Pod Landed To Earth.
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My rendition of the 40k universe was much more flushed out and can be read on my page! Also other things in the mix for you all to read.
wait wha?
No offense, but the Warhammer 40k thing is about as overdone as Fallout Equestria and Conversion B.
I guess its time to go starcraft
after this, i love the 40k universe too
i rather like it
superiorman.de/Bilder/GamesWorkshop/SpessMehreens.jpg
SPESS PUHNEES!
WE FAYT IN THE NEHME OF CELESTYAH!
453353>>453485
LET THE COWARDS FIGHT IN METAL BAWKES
SPEHSS MAHREENS FIGHT FOR THA EMPAHRAH
hmmm...I can see it now. Parasprite nids...So cool! This was good,ill keep an eye on this one
453805
thanks
Yeah, it's kind of shit.
Prologue: You don't need to italicize every capital noun. Also, it doesn't really explain much. Yeah, there's this planet-wide (after 30,000 years? what?) civilization, but how did it get there? What differentiates it from 'vanilla' 40k where the pony version is more interesting? What is the point of reading this?
Chapter 1: Learn how to grammar better.
"On board the Thunderhawk traveling through Equestrian Orbit,
Orbit does not require capitalization.
UltraColt Twilight awaits for the next mission.
Twilight who? If you're telling rather than showing, the least you could do is tell everything needed.
Check your tense (awaits?). Keep it consistent with the rest of the text.
Beside her is her second librarian, Spike.
Second as opposed to first? What is a "first librarian"?
Across the carrier a new recruit with his full helmet on.
Phrases =/= sentences. There is no subject, no verb, no structure.
Full helmet? As opposed to only the top half?
Moments later a screen across the carrier flickered on, Inquisitor Spitfire Appeared"
Again, of you're going to tell at least do it right.
Appeared does not require capitalization.
Also, you don't need to hit 'enter' after every couple of words.
And that's just the first 3.5 sentences.
453348
I count 10 total fics, which are all short and not prevalent. Not what I call overdone.
453828
Well, I'm sorry for my grammar errors
I'm assuming two hour braining storming/ typing is 100% proficient
453838 didnt know you just recently join our group. btw itis interesting enough, but too short. and yea the what boredhooman, you really need to work on it, i suggest you find a prereader. you can find someone in the group.
453828
lol nice hit on the "half helmet" part lol
454573
will do, sry its pretty short lol, i just registered when i joined and in 6 hours i wrote two stories, give some time to pass it will get improved