Lonesome Whistle

by Vauclains Understudy

"And Now For Something Completely Different..."

Now I know what you’re thinking: what were Twilight, Ironside, and Spike doing all that time? Well…

As you should remember, Ironside wanted Spike to use his flame to heat up the rod that would be forged as a replacement rivet for Big Mike’s grate. Unfortunately, in his excitement, Spike accidentally used his messenger flame and sent the rod straight to Princess Celestia, who was as of now recovering from being knocked unconscious when it materialized over her and fell on her head. All three of the poor animals huddled around the anvil had mental breakdowns, and Gallow at one point mistook them for Pinkie Pie causing trouble in the shops.

So, while Gallow and Pinkie spent the day assembling and testing the rail-kiosk, this is what was happening in the shops.

"Oh. Shit."

"…S-S-Spike? Did you just…?"

"Mm-hmm…"

"Do you think that it…?"

"Uh-huh…"

"OK… Let’s just take a moment. I’m sure the princess will be fine. We just need to relax."

"Right."

[All sit down calmly]

Of course, this little moment of serenity didn’t last for long, because twenty seconds later…

[All scream and start running around the anvil]

"Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh! We’ve just knocked out the princess!"

[Spike curls into the fetal position and sucks his thumb]

"Luna’s gonna kill me…"

"You think Luna’s your biggest problem?! Celestia’s gonna whip my flank with a wooden board when she wakes up!"

"Which gives me exactly three hours to fire up one of my engines and get us out of here."

"I’m still waiting on my new bolt!"

"Screw that!"

[Spike belches up a letter]

"It’s for you, Iron."

" 'I’ll be at the shops in a couple of minutes. We need to talk.'
-Luna. And now if you’ll all join me in rolling around on the floor and crying…"

[All start rolling on the floor and crying their eyes out]

"We’re dead! We’re dead!"

[Ironside takes out his schnapps flask and starts chugging]

All this nonsense went on for about two to three minutes before Luna finally arrived at the shops.

"W-what is going on here?"

[Spike hugs Luna’s leg]

"Please, Princess Luna, have mercy! We’re sorry!"

"Don’t let Princess Celestia whip us with a wooden board!"

"Twilight, Spike, please relax! I’m not here to punish you."

[sniff] "Y-you’re not?"

"Of course not! I just wanted to know what happened."

"Well, we knocked out your sister."

"Obviously. I’m asking how a steel rod appeared over her head and knocked her out."

"Oh… That was my fault…"

"How so?"

"I, um, tried to heat up the rod with my flame."

"What for?"

"I needed a new bolt for one of my engines’ fire grates."

"That’s all?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

"Oh. [chuckles] Don’t worry, then. Celestia will understand."

"Really?"

"Accidents happen, Twilight. You three will be fine."

With that, Luna took off to tend to her sister. The two ponies and dragon stood dumbfounded around the anvil. Ironside was the first to break the silence. “That went a million times better than I thought it would.”

“Yeah,” Twilight responded, “But it was so anticlimactic.”

“I seriously doubt the readers will enjoy this chapter very much,” Spike mused.

“Spike, what did I say about breaking the fourth wall?” Twilight asked.

“Sorry,” the dragon replied. Ironside looked over to where Pinkie was and smirked.

With the dilemma settled, the three animals went back to forging the new rivet for Big Mike. Spike made sure this time to not use his messenger breath on the new rod. Once the rod was red-hot, Twilight used a custom hammer to form the first head of the rivet. She then carried the rivet over to the sheds while Spike kept a continuous flame on it to keep it red-hot and malleable.

Once she was underneath Mike’s grates, Twilight carefully slid the rivet through the holes in the grate plates. Then, using his trusty rivet gun, Ironside forged the second head of the rivet, reconnecting the two plates to their lever. Big Mike was once again ready for work.

The ponies and dragon reconvened around the anvil. Ironside seemed to have something on his mind. “You look troubled, Iron. Is everything alright?” asked Twilight.

“Well, it’s about the test run of the new sleeper car I took part in with Rarity and Fluttershy,” he replied.

“Why? Did they not enjoy the ride?” asked Spike.

“Oh no, they loved it,” Ironside replied, “But the railway officials didn’t seem that hopeful.”

“Why wouldn’t they?” asked Twilight, “Fluttershy told me it was a very smooth rider and the interior was plush and very comfortable.”

“That’s not the problem,” Iron responded, “It’s that the coach is far too large for Equestria’s railway network.”

“I don’t understand,” Twilight replied, “It seemed perfectly proportioned to me.”

“That coach is a replica of a sleeper car from the human world,” Ironside stated, “And the original had the same problems this one’s having right now.”

“Wait, that coach is from the human world?!” exclaimed Spike.

“Well, the original was,” said Iron, “It was the funeral coach used for President Abraham Lincoln after his assassination.” Thanks to Princess Celestia and Canterlot’s extensive library, Twilight was quite familiar with the history of the United States.

“So you replicated the United States Pullman sleeper?” she asked.

“Mm-hmm,” Ironside affirmed, “It’s a very historically important piece of railway history.”

“But why didn’t you just ask the Americans if we could have the coach?” asked Spike.

“They wouldn’t have wanted to give up a piece of their history,” replied Ironside.

“Besides,” put in Twilight, “the original was destroyed in a fire in 1911.”

“So what exactly makes the coach so problematic?” asked Spike. Ironside looked over to the car, which was sitting peacefully next to the edge of the roundhouse.

“Notice how it runs on four two-axle bogies?” The other two looked and nodded. “Well, that’s to distribute the weight of the coach along the rails. Most coaches never use more than two bogies,” Ironside explained.

“So does that mean it’s a really heavy coach?” asked Spike.

“Oh, absolutely,” replied the pegasus pony, “In fact, this one might warp the rails just like the original did because it’s so heavy.”

“Well, the rolling stock here in Equestria is a bit smaller than those used by the humans,” said Twilight.

“I’m certain that’s part of why the railway officials aren’t that hopeful,” replied Ironside. He treaded his hoof back and forth along the ground. “It was nothing but a complete waste of time and money…”

“Don’t give up so soon, Iron,” Twilight responded, “I’m sure somepony will be interested in using the car.”

“I don’t know, Twi,” said Ironside, “The princesses are normally utilitarian when it comes to modes of transport. They aren’t ones to use a private sleeper car just for the sake of using it.”

“Maybe Rarity would like it,” said Spike. Twilight nodded in agreement; Rarity was extravagant to an extreme. If anypony was willing to buy the replica just for the sake of having it, it would be her.

“You really think she’d purchase a coach that’s best known for being a hearse?” asked Ironside, “I mean I know there are ponies and people out there who like collecting hearses…”

“You being one of them,” put in Spike.

“…but I don’t think she’s one of them,” Ironside finished.

“Well, maybe if we stay hush-hush on the history of the coach, she won’t think any less of it,” said Twilight.

Ironside nodded and spent the rest of the day chatting with Twilight and Spike about the Pullman coaches and their impact on passenger comfort. He even let them have a tour of the United States. Both were very impressed by the level of comfort the coach afforded to its passengers. Ironside was enjoying himself so much that he forgot that he had given the blueprints and photographs of the original coach to Rarity. But as we already know, she was willing to buy it anyway.

Meanwhile, in the castle at Canterlot, Princess Luna sifted through some papers at her desk. She had just finished finalizing the order for Equestria’s newest engine. It was an American Prairie-type that had spent many years rusting away on display. Hopefully, however, this would be a chance for him to glide across the high iron once more.

Author's Note:

Luna: Blue
Spike: Green
Twilight: Purple
Ironside: Brown
Big Mike: Black