Luna's Room

by Cheesey Microwave

Stay Out

Author's Note:

WARNING: Side effects of reading this story may include but are not limited to: screaming, blindness, sore throat, psychosis, anger issues, broken computers, more anger issues, being repetitive, being repetitive, being repetitive, being repetitive, being repetitive, being annoying, hating irony, being ironic, hating people who try to be ironic, and depression. Do not read if you haven't been in a mental hospital. Pregnant women should keep from reading in order to make sure that they and their baby stay sane. Since I listed all of this, you can't sue me for whatever happens.

"Celestia, I will say this one more time, and one more time only: Stay. Out. Of. My. Room!"

Luna slammed the door in her all-powerful sister's face, grumbling loud enough for all of Equestria to hear.

Celestia groaned and collapsed in front of the door. "But, Luna, you let the guards in here all the time!"

"Correction: they barge in. And I beat them to a pulp!"

"Tomato, apple pie! Please, let me in!"

"Why? You never let me in your room!"

"That's because there are things in there that if you look at them, every last shred of innocence and peace will leave your body."

"Celestia, you do realize that 'Hansel and Gretel' isn't a horror story, right?"

"But they kill a witch! They throw her in an oven, Luna! It's madness! Why, I've tried banning the books, but to no avail! My only hope is to study them until I find the hidden message other than 'push witches into ovens', then warn everypony so they know that the books must be destroyed!"

"I'm ignoring you now."

"But, Luna-"

"Ignoring you!"

"Luna, really, that's just-"

"LA! La, la la la LA la, la la la la! Trolololololol, gooble fleeble dee heidenmeberched! Blarp, bleep, I'm the princess of the night, so of course they run in fear!"

"Luna, that's the most childish thing that you could possibly do."

"If you don't go away, I shall play the song!"

"Luna, don't."

"Then go!"

"But, Luna-"

A horrible, disgusting song began to play. Ponies, griffons, and all the other creatures I don't feel like listing shrieked and howled in pain as the hideous noises continued. Twilight recognized the tortuous melody from her time in the alternate dimension: it was called a 'boy band'.

In Ponyville, Twilight had brought DJ Pon-3 to play dubstep, the only known way to successfully fight the awful cacophony. As the dubstep reached Canterlot, the horrid music finally died down. Luna stumbled out of her room, ears bleeding.

"Oh, Luna, you must never do that again!" Celestia hugged her sister. "Didn't you wear earplugs?"

"I tried, b-but the awful noises made them disintegrate!" Luna burst into tears.

Well, Luna, I hope you've learned a lesson today."

"Hey, I have!" Luna smiled at her sister, then teleported into her room. "It taught me that you need to stay away from my room!"

Celestia sighed and trotted to her throne. "What could she possibly be hiding from me? I mean, it has to be something horrible, awful, and downright horrible."

A guard standing by her throne coughed. "Your Highness, you... uh... said 'horrible' twice."

"That's because it must be horrible times two if she refuses to let me see! I mean, only horrible, awful, horrible ponies don't let me see their things! Therefore, she must have some sort of terrifyingly evil secret she's hiding from me!"

"Terrifyingly evil? I wanna know! I wanna know!" Discord appeared out of fat air. It would've been thin air, but Discord had been gaining weight lately. "Have not! Anyways, what's going on?"

"Go away, Discord. You're not supposed to be in this story." Celestia sighed and began pacing. "What if she's trying to take over Equestria?"

"I doubt she'd do that," one of her guards said. "I doubt she'd want to return to the moon."

"What if she's killing ponies and using them in her cupcakes?"

"Hey, that's what I do!" Pinkie glared at Celestia. "Get a writer, you hack!"

"O... kay... well, what if she's the one giving those awful horror stories to innocent foals and she's trying to hide her work from me?"

"I doubt it," Steve replied. "Luna hates fairy tales, since that was all you gave her on the moon."

"Wait, who are you?" Celestia stared at Steve.

"I'm Steve! You know, the square guy from Minecraft! I like making cookies, but since cocoa beans are only available in the jungle, and I live in the desert, I can only play in creative mode or I'll starve to death."

Another Steve burst in. "Dude, what are you talking about? I live in the mountains, not the jungle."

Yet another square sentient being came in. "Don't listen to those fakes! I'm the real Steve, and I live wherever I want, 'cause I've got a boat!"

Celestia sent a blast of through the castle, destroying all of the Steves at once. "Yeesh, that was just awful! I wonder if that was Luna's fault..."

"Luna hates Steve. She changed the skin once she learned how." The guard who kept talking threw his rubber spear at the other guard, who was dozing away.

"Wait, your spears are rubber?"

"Shining Armor says real spears are for winners," the sleepy guard mumbled.

"But you two guard my throne! You need real spears in case somepony tries to attack me!"

"But we have Twilight to take your place!"

"You would let me die just because Twilight could easily fill my position and already does so on a regular basis?! You two must be punished!" Celestia sighed and sent the guards to the moon. "My, today has just been filled with sighing, and it's all because Luna won't let me in her room."

Luna trotted out of her room, rolling her eyes. "Celestia, you didn't send them to the moon. You sent them to your room. And by the sound of it, they found all of your conspiracy theories for Hansel and Gretel."

"There's also theories for Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Peter Pan, Little Red Riding Hood, and even the seemingly innocent Little Mermaid! They're all filled with lies and hatred, and completely inappropriate for young minds!" Celestia stamped her hoof. "Clearly, you heard them gasping in awe of how brilliant I am."

The guards trotted out of Celestia's room, laughing their heads off.

"She says that Hansel and Gretel had a secret agenda to tell kids to get lost in the forest and murder innocent mares living in nice houses! Can you believe it?"

"Well, I found one where she thought Snow White was a way of brainwashing children into thinking big families are evil!"

"Ridiculous! Wanna get a donut?"

"Yeah, sure."

Celestia sighed. "They probably didn't decipher my secret code correctly, anyways."

Luna seemed surprised. "You have a secret code?"

"Of course I do! A is 1, B is 2, C is 3, D is 4, E is 5, F is 6, G is 7, H is 8, I is 9, J is 10..."

The spy who had been posing as a guard looked over her document she'd stolen from Celestia's room. Once deciphered, it read, "Sleeping Beauty teechez fillys to fall asleep for long peereods of tyme so that they can get mareed." She tossed the paper away and trotted off in bitter disgust.

The moo princess rolled her eyes. "Celestia, now everypony knows your secret code. And if you'd written the code in numbers, then how would they know what it was saying?"

"Well, I did have somepony make me a tapestry depicting the code so I wouldn't forget..."

Luna went back into her room.

Comments

[CrimsonNight1]

The care for spelling left halfway through the story and, in all honesty, I don't give crap about spelling. Over all wonderful job with the story!

[The Cosmic Consciousness]

I think there is actually a website for those conspiracies. And they might be true

[Briarpelt]

the seemingly innocent Little Mermaid!

"Seemingly innocent"? How could anyone call that story "innocent"? That fairy tale has more blood, evil, and pain than any other I've read!