Ok, I really need to say it. I love the story, but the fact that you start literally every paragraph of the sex scenes with "Ahhhhhhhhhh!" is very likely to annoy a lot of readers. I'm not really picky, but when that becomes a staple of your sex scenes, it gets old really quick. Again, I like the story a lot, but it probably be best to drop every single one of those out of it.
Seriously, why are all of the Mane 6 virgins? I don't understand!
Ok, I really need to say it. I love the story, but the fact that you start literally every paragraph of the sex scenes with "Ahhhhhhhhhh!" is very likely to annoy a lot of readers. I'm not really picky, but when that becomes a staple of your sex scenes, it gets old really quick. Again, I like the story a lot, but it probably be best to drop every single one of those out of it.
Okay, so imagine these people reading for theses characters: Morgan Freeman as Derpy, Dane Cook as Rainbowdash, Danny DeVito as Pinkie Pie