Pressures of a Princess

by RarityEQM

Hand Me Down

It was cold. Even with the warm summer sun splashing down across the kingdom, and the crowds cheering wildly, the ticker tape parade, and the festival in full swing...it was cold. Cold enough to send a shiver ripping down Twilight's spine, as she cast a vibrant smile at the guards, and pranced herself down the halls of her very own castle. They'd saved the world again. Sent back the flooding darkness of a new evil, and once again propelled Equestira into a bright and glorious future, so the moment Twilight managed to sink into her room, away from the cheers and the smiles, and the barking, hollering praise, she dipped herself into the bathroom, locked the door, and threw up. Hard.

She'd been holding it in all day, and now that she was finally, finally alone, her body did what it wanted. She was sick beyond anything she'd ever experienced before, and it wasn't something that was going to go away for a long, long time.

She staggered out of the bathroom in a daze, glancing around at the fancy rug, and the expensive dresser. The scores of bookshelves lining the walls of her room, and a little purple dragon sitting on her bed. Oh...no...She hadn't even noticed him there...

"...Hey." Her voice was a whisper. Raspy and choked. Spike didn't turn around. He was gazing quietly out the window- but a twitch from his ear fins let Twilight know she'd heard him loud and clear. He was the last person she wanted to talk to...but now she had no choice...She wanted to wallow in her feelings for a while- to figure out her own way through this darkness and just...stop existing for a while. Hole herself up in her room and let the world melt away. But a princess did not have such a luxury and Spike...well Spike needed her, princess or not.

"...How are you?" Her voice was tentative, cautious. Even scared. She didn't know what Spike was going to say. Would he burst into tears? Lash out? Blame her? Somewhere, deep down inside, Twilight Sparkle wished he would do all of those things. Somewhere, deep down inside, Twilight needed him to do all of those things.

But Spike's shoulders simply rose, and dropped in the slightest hint of movement. It was more than enough for Twilight, and slowly, she crept over to join him on the bed.

"Holding up. I guess. ...How are you?" He sputtered. A question Twilight had not been prepared for. Oh, she knew it was coming, but still, it caught her completely off guard. The alicorn bit at her lower lip and mused over her jumbled thoughts quietly. Suddenly she was laughing. Great, heavy guffaws of helpless laughter. Spike raised an eye ridge.

"I, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Haaaa...It's been a year! An entire year since I've been a princess, and ...Celestia told me it was going to get easier! She promised it would get easier! Heh ! She promised, she promised!" Twilight barked as if suddenly, that phrase was the funniest thing she'd heard in the entire world. Spike remained silent, listening quietly, as Twilight broke down.

"She never told me I'd have to...I can't...this...she never said this was going to happen. "Twilight explained, as the laughing turned to sobs. It vanished, just as fast as it began, though, and Twilight sniffled, and drew herself into a prim and proper upright form. She was a princess after all. She had no time for tears, and she certainly couldn't let the kingdom see her sobbing. No, they had to have complete faith in her ability to lead, if she wanted to be a princess- anything even close to Celestia.

Celestia...A pony who had to make the tough calls, and stand with a spine of steel- no matter how heavy the duties got. No matter what she had to do to protect the kingdom.-Something she now expected of Twilight Sparkle.

"I...I didn't...I didn't have a choice, Spike.You were there. T, that thing was inside of her, and she was out of control. She was...You saw what she was doing to the foals she cornered! She BEGGED me, Spike! She begged me to end it. Her eyes, I, I saw it in her eyes... and... she...I...I didn't have a choice..." Twilight stammered. The little dragon didn't turn to look at her. He stared out the window at the party going on in town. Balloons, and fireworks and streamers. So many bright lights and happy squeals.

"I know." He said quietly. Somehow, this didn't make Twilight feel better. If anything, it seemed to pile the guilt on- relentlessly. Why didn't Spike turn around? Or scream? Or breathe fire on her? How could he be so calm, cool and collected after the battle they had?! After the fighting and the struggle and the choices she made?! Didn't he understand it was for the good of the kingdom?! Didn't he understand she didn't have time to root through all the possibilities?! Didn't he understand what was at stake?! And yet he just sat there...staring...quietly...

"I...I didn't have a choice, Spike! I DIDN'T! I...I TRIED! I...I didn't..." Twilight stammered. Spike kept his back turned. Twilight shuddered. She was a princess now. She didn't have time to wallow in sorrow. She didn't have time to show weakness or give her kingdom the slightest hint of doubt in her abilities. there just wasn't enough time... She didn't have time to sit and console every pony in the kingdom, if something terrible happened. Not her- there were others for that. She wasn't allowed to be that pony anymore. Never again.

So why was this all so hard?

"Do...Do you hate me?" She asked, finally. Words that didn't matter. It didn't matter if the kingdom hated her- if she could make the tough calls, and the right decisions, and save everyone with the loss of but one, well statistically, that made all the difference in the world, right?! That was supposed to count for something! She had no choice! She saved everyone!

"No." He said. His voice was like ice and yet the word burned like fire in her ears. She shook her head. Thats when Spike turned around- eyes soaked.

"You didn't have a choice." He said slowly. Another blow. No no no, don't say that. Don't say that! She was in the wrong! Don't validate her, don't tell her that, she wanted to be punished, she NEEDED to be told she made a mistake, that this wasn't the way things had to be!

"You saved the kingdom. You rescued everypony." Spike hissed gruffly. Twilight couldn't stop herself from crying. Spike was cruel in his mercy- Princesses weren't supposed to cry, and yet...

"No. Rarity HAD to die. You HAD to kill her. YOU HAD TO DO IT AND THERE WASN'T ANY OTHER WAY! YOU SAVED US. YOU DID THIS, TWILIGHT! YOU DID THIS!" Spike hollered, his claws twisted into trembling little fists of rage.

"Your. Highness." Spike spit quietly. That was the final blow, that sent Twilight toppling to her knees, struggling to hold herself up on shakey hooves.

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...I...Please, Spike, P, please..." Twilight looked up, and through blurred vision, saw Spike staring at her. The love in his eyes was gone. It was completely void as if it had evaporated into nothingness. Like Twilight had taken two lives today, instead of just one. It was as if Spike had died along with her. Her stomach churned again. There was nothing else left in her belly though- other than regret. And not an ounce of forgiveness to be had in the room. There was nothing else to say- Twilight was a broken record, and Spike was sick of the song. He stood up, with those big, sad, tear soaked eyes of his, gave Twilight a formal bow and quietly left the room.

Twilight winced, watching the door slowly close until it clicked softly, and the moment it did, loneliness overwhelmed her like a wave in an ocean of depression.

Rarity was gone. Lost to some dark, looming threat that dared invade the land of Equestira, and while Twilight had managed to save everyone, the world was suddenly as empty as her heart.

Was this how Princess Celestia felt, after she'd banished Nightmare Moon? Her own sister? Her friend? Was this how Princess Celestia dealt with this? The agony she must have felt, burning through her heart and tearing it's way out of the side of her throat, only to devour her once again. Twilight now understood where the obsession came from. Opening a school for gifted unicorns, endless semesters of magic, all of it building up to rescue a pony long lost for decades upon decades? Scouring the world to find the ONE student who was capable of bringing Luna back. The one student who could right a thousand year old wrong. One student- a needle in a haystack. A princess had to make the tough calls- but it didn't mean they had to give up hope. No, they didn't give up hope. They never gave up, and even if it took one thousand years, what had Celestia accomplished?! She had found her student. She'd found her salvation, and her redemption, and her hope, all rolled up into one. . It was like some horrible hand me down; some sadistic legacy that passed from princess to princess like a curse, and now it was Twilight's turn.

Twilight Sparkle reached a hoof up and dried her eyes.

"...I made a mistake, Spike. I made a mistake, but I swear, with every ounce of magic in my body; I will make this right. " Twilight vowed, swallowing the lump in her throat. Spike would forgive her. Rarity would come back. They would all be friends again, and happy again, and life would be ok again. She was going to fix this. She would solve the problem. She was good at problems. There were ways, she was sure. Things that could be done...spells that could be cast...deals that could be made...nothing to good for her friends, right? They were friends...they always would be. Twilight, before her days in Ponyville, would never let the thoughts flicker through her mind that she did now. But now...after meeting her friends- well she was willing to do anything for them. Friendship was magic, after all. They'd all be friends again. She was sure of it.

"I'm going to make this ok. Everything is gonna be ok. I'm going to be ok. You'll see, Spike. You'll see."

Author's Note:

...I wanted to write something sad.

Edit: And apperently I did! (Ba-dum-Tish)

Comments

[Mattricole]

Is this the greatest thing ever written? No, but it's decent. SO WHY THE HELL DOES IT HAVE SO MANY DOWNVOTES?!

[RarityEQM]

LOL This is -NOT- A popular story XD

[mehperson]

Not the best sad fic I've read, not that I can do better but it is VERY nice. I wonder why there are so many downvotes.