Chapter Twenty-Two - The Long Way Home
“So what do we do now?” asked Rainbow Dash, her voice echoing into the darkness that surrounded them.
Twilight’s horn glowed with a warm and gentle light that washed over all the ponies as they contemplated their options. They had been over it multiple times with every idea that was presented being struck down as impossible. They had even tried to call upon their Rainbow Powers, but even that had failed. They had quite the light show, but the tiny rainbow didn’t have any effect on their gloomy surroundings.
“There has to be a way out of here.” Twilight was adamant that they could find a way to escape. “It’s been done before and we can do it again. We just need some time to think.”
“I reckon we got all the time we need.” Applejack strolled over and hung her hoof on Twilight’s shoulder.
“If only we had thought to ask one of those Crystal Ponies how they managed to escape, we wouldn’t be stuck in this mess.” Rarity was becoming more impatient with every passing minute.
Pinkie Pie tried to console a tearful Fluttershy as she thought about all her friends she had left back home. The thought of all her animals having to fend for themselves in the wild caused her a deep emotional pain.
Rainbow Dash had a sudden moment of clarity. “Why is it that no pony ever heard about King Sombra or the Crystal Empire until it just magically appeared out of nowhere one day?”
Twilight’s face lit up in a huge smile. “Rainbow Dash! That’s it!”
“Whadayamean?” Rainbow Dash was more confused now than before.
“You just hit the nail on the head.” Twilight was almost overcome. “There was a pony who was alive back then, and she told us everything we need to know! Princess Celestia!”
Applejack tried to piece the puzzle together. “You’re not makin’ any sense, sugarcube. Could you help clue us in on what you’re thinkin’?”
Twilight continued, “Everything we need to know I read about in Princess Celestia’s diary. She left me the clue we needed to solve this mystery. It just took me a while to put all the pieces together. When the Crystal Empire disappeared into Sombra’s curse, the entire city and all the Crystal Ponies vanished with him. When they all returned, there was one pony missing. Celestia wrote about her in her journal!”
“You don’t mean what I think you mean…” stated Rarity with an air of surprise.
“It can’t be,” Applejack sputtered.
Twilight confirmed their suppositions: “The Crystal Queen!”
Twilight went on to expound upon her theory. The information from Celestia’s diary was spotty at best, but she clearly remembered reading about the time before Sombra took power and enslave the Crystal Empire’s subjects. That had included the former ruler of the Empire – the Crystal Queen.
When Celestia and Luna were finally able to come to their aid with the help of the Elements of Harmony, the ponies had already suffered greatly under the influence of the evil lord. The ponies tried to rally around their queen, but without the aid of the crystal heart to focus their love and compassion, the protective spell that fueled the kingdom’s defenses was useless.
Part of the tears that Celestia had shed on that day in which she lost her own sister were also for the loss of her own good friend and mentor, the Crystal Queen. The histories of the once separate land had never made their way into the general pony population further south. The Crystal Empire kept mainly to itself and so wasn’t really missed when it up and disappeared. The only pony that really felt the loss had been Celestia herself.
Twilight addressed the entire group, “Now we just need to find the Crystal Queen and I bet she’s still in here somewhere.”
The entire group circled up as they tried to focus their thoughts on calling forth the queen. They didn’t really have any memories to go on, and so they relied mostly on Twilight’s recollections from Celestia’s journal entries to guide their search in the nether.
As her mind wandered through the pages and re-examined every tear-stained page she recalled, a light appeared far away in the darkness. It grew as the distance closed between it and the group. In just a few moments, they could make out the outline of a great horse galloping through the black mist toward them. The group turned and watched as a great crystal mare rode up to them.
The Crystal Queen addressed them, “My little ponies – how did you find yourselves locked in this prison? Has -he- returned?”
“Nah, we destroyed that old meanie once and for all.” Rainbow Dash puffed out her chest as though she had taken on Somba single-hoofed.
“Not before he found a way to lock us up in this nightmare world a’ his,” added Applejack.
“Your highness,” Twilight bowed as she addressed the queen. “We came in search of the Elements of Disharmony – trying to restore the balance that had been lost. At the end of our journey, we found Sombra had laid a trap for us and so we find ourselves here. He was defeated, but we need your help to show us the way back home. Can you help us?”
I see you have been through much, young ones,” the queen spoke to the entire group. “I will do what I can to help you find your way home, but I fear there is but one path you can take.”
Twilight responded, “Whatever it is, we would be grateful for any assistance you can provide.”
The queen replied, “The way home requires magic – a special kind of magic that my people possess. I fear that the spell I wove together with my subjects may not work for you. It required the power of the love of many hundreds of ponies all focusing their energy on me to open the portal home. Without the aid of the crystal heart, I offered myself as the conduit to keep the doorway open and allow my subjects to return. Unfortunately, along with my city and its inhabitants, the evil King Sombra was also able to escape. I was not able to prevent him from doing so as I had to focus all my power on keeping the portal open to allow the last of my dear subjects the chance to escape.”
“I don’t know about crystal pony magic, but we’ve got some pretty powerful stuff of our own we could try.” Twilight looked over at her friends. They all seemed to agree that they could give it a go.
“Unicorn or Alicorn magic is different than Crystal Pony magic. I’m afraid I won’t be of much use to you. What is worse, one of you must be willing to remain here in this world in order to allow the rest the chance to return home.” The queen’s words hit a nerve in each of them.
“I’ll do it!” Rainbow Dash was the first to volunteer.
“I don’t think that’s what she meant, darling.” Rarity was quick to counter.
“I guess it’s up to me then.” Twilight hung her head, but quickly bounced back. “It’s got to be me that stay’s behind.”
“Not a chance, Twilight.” Applejack sounded absolutely solid in her tone. “We all go home, or we all stay here together.”
“No, Applejack!” Twilight was even more firm in her resolve. “You’re all going home and I’m going to stay here until we can find another way to open the portal. I can’t let you all suffer in this nightmare when we have a clear way to get you all back home - and that’s final!”
“Are you sure you don’t want to wait and see if we can find another way?” Fluttershy was very persuasive in her gentle tone – especially with all the recent tears she had cried.
“I’ve made up my mind. I’m getting you all home now.” Twilight turned back to the queen. “Your highness, how do we go about opening the portal?”
“I see you are a very determined princess, but I warn you, this won’t be easy.” The queen then addressed the entire group. “Each of you must concentrate on your love you have for one another. This power must come from deep within and must be the most pure of feelings only. The light of your love must be focused on the one that will be able to open the doorway and hold it open while you all pass through. You cannot have any doubt or fear in your heart – it is the energy that binds you to this place. Should you make it home, you must understand that you may never see your friend here again. You cannot let that stop you.”
Twilight exercised her princess muscle in putting the needs of her friends in front of her own and also trying to hide the fact that she was being eaten up inside at the prospect of never seeing her friends again. “There’s no time to waste, I need everypony ready as soon as possible.”
After a brief interlude where they all said their goodbyes, they each readied themselves for the spell to take effect. They had one shot at this and they needed to make it count. It was time and they all gathered around Twilight after going through a short coaching session with the queen.
Each pony cleared their minds and focused their thoughts on the friendship that they all shared. It wouldn’t be easy, but together they knew that anything was possible. They all hoped for the best knowing that even if they did make it home, they wouldn’t stop trying to find a way to free Twilight.
They began. The spell was simple – each pony would call up their innermost feelings of love combined with their own special magic they held within. Those energies would be focused in on Twilight who would focus it all together in the hopes of opening the portal to their home.
Within a few moments of beginning the process, they could already tell something was going to happen. The energy flowed up from each pony and settled around Twilight as she worked her own bit of magic on it as well. The culmination of all their powers together began to open a rift in the darkness a little ways off.
“You’re doing it!” The Crystal Queen called out to the group. “Just a little more and you can start going through.”
Twilight concentrated with all her might to focus the energy from her friends into widening the aperture of the vortex. After a few minutes of getting a feel for the spell and being able to more accurately focus the power, the portal reached a wide enough opening that they could fit through it.
“This is it, you have to go now!” The Crystal Queen called out once more.
Twilight called out to each pony in turn as she ordered them to leave the group and escape through the opening. Fluttershy was first – she ran for the portal as she fought back the tears once again. Pinkie Pie followed closely behind. Rarity and Applejack were next. They both urged a still stubborn Rainbow Dash to hurry as the portal showed signs of weakening and imminent collapse.
Rainbow Dash flew toward the portal, looking back at only the last second toward the still straining Twilight. As she crossed the threshold, she also wondered why the Crystal Queen had not yet joined them. The princess struggled to keep the waning portal open and was quickly losing ground.
Just before the portal finally failed, the queen jumped over behind Twilight. She yelled out, “Give my love to my dear Crystal Ponies!” She then bucked Twilight as hard as she could and sent her flying towards the portal. The airborne princess only barely crossed the iris before the portal collapsed back into darkness.
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All right, just finished reading up to chapter twenty-two! I saw a spelling error or two, perhaps a place I'd have used or removed a comma, but nothing too outlandish. A pre-reader or editor working along with you as you complete your next story would reduce those to zip.
First off, this is a definite improvement to your first story, both in execution and in scale. You're branching out into new territory here by splitting up your protagonists along different story paths, and the multiple arcs are all flowing together very nicely. The pacing feels good, and no arc seems to last too long or get too convoluted.
I've seen the mirror elements of Harmony concept done before, usually as a villain team against their protagonist counterparts, but I like how you've set them up as less of direct opponents and more of lessons to be learned/passed on by the mane six. The Flim Flam brothers are greedy, but they're not out to get anyone, and their greed is what needs to be overcome rather than the brothers themselves. It brings to mind how the Rainbow Power keys were earned, so it feels true to the source material.
One area I thought could use improvement was the Malice arc. You've got a good target for it with Gilda, but I feel like the conclusion didn't quite fit. Rainbow is captured, tied up and under guard, and then within a sentence she's turned the tables somehow and is having a sensible conversation. It was something of an awkward scene. Gilda under the influence of Malice was still more reasonable than she was in the show. I honestly think that griffon would need the sense knocked into her. I've got a few ideas, but nothing really concrete.
I like how you brought some vulnerability into Celestia's character with the introduction of the diary, but I felt it could use a little more touching up. We are told that changes how Twilight sees Celestia, but I'd like to be shown that. Adding a few excerpts from the diary, Celestia's own words of her emotional state and her self-loathing or doubts or whatever it may be, would help with that.
This would also be a great opportunity to introduce the Crystal Queen through diary entries, because her showing up at the end was a source of confusion. Twilight suddenly announced, "Oh, by the way, there's a Crystal Queen we all knew about" and it left me as a reader wondering if I'd missed it earlier on. It would be fantastic if we could come to the same conclusion as Twilight, about the Queen being their ticket out, at the same time via clues left in previous chapters.
One last note about their time in the shadow realm. I felt it was a little too strong of a parallel to when the mane six were corrupted by Discord in the show. There might have been a way to split off on a different path there, like how you handled Pinkie. In the show, corrupted Pinkie was a grump who hated laughter. Here, you went with sadness and depression. It fits her well and still acts as an opposite of her element. Perhaps the others could use that same treatment to give it more originality.
Although, with the way it is currently set up, I feel that Applejack's reformation could use some love. Others were dragged out of their corrupted states, but Applejack just seemed to get... tired of lying or bored maybe and just gave it up with a shrug. It didn't feel like it had the gravity that the others did. Perhaps if she were lying about, say, not knowing any of the mane six. Refusing to admit they are friends. The others would have to prove to her that she was their friend through recollections of how she's come through for them in the past, and bam! Corruption gone.
That's my take on content. You're on a good path here and the end is in sight. Keep it up!
-Hack
4812129
Good points all - saving a few things for book three that still tie in with this story and the first.
I'm still trying to find a good balance between telling too much and leaving things up to the reader to explore. I know a lot source content from the show because I went back and watched a lot of previous episodes to feed into this story. The surprises in the end, maybe I could have spelled things out a little more, but it almost feels good to have the surprise. Maybe people might want to go watch some of the key point episodes - like Griffon the Brush Off and The Crystal Empire pt 1&2. I'm still taking note of things going forward.
Amazing comments - thank you so much for the effort you put into all of this.
Book three will be starting up "soon". I'm making the trilogy and hopefully parts of things from the previous two make a little more sense once I bring it all full circle.
Drumroll please!
Here's the final chapter and wrap up for this second book - work to start on book three next week.
Thanks for reading!
Thornwing
So we open up this chapter with the Mane Six in this dark expanse of space with seemingly no way out. Nothing they've tried thus far has worked, and they're just about out of ideas.
Uh, because it was so far north, not many ponies even knew it existed, R.D.
Who could have gone missing? The entire Empire returned (albeit with an evil tyrant, but that's not the point), so who......
*dramatic voice* No.......
................*processing...processing...processing...DING!!!!*
The Crystal Queen; the original ruler of the Crystal Empire. And, one more detail you seem to have left out here, PRINCESS CADENCE'S MOTHER!!!!!!! About time someone explored this fact!!! (Story: +5)
So they call upon the Crystal Queen the same way they found each other. And I can think of no other theme to give her than the "Serenade of Water", the revamped version from Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess.
So, here we have the Crystal Queen (who is, as of yet, unnamed...), who, after the Mane Six explain what they're doing here, gives them and explanation as to how to get out of this void.
Alright, so they have a way ho----wait, what!?
So, they say their goodbyes and start the spell. Once the portal is open, the five of them exit, very reluctantly (especially in the case of Rainbow Dash).
But wait...why isn't the Crystal Queen leaving?
Wait, what? What!? I'm not sure whether to be relieved or to be frustrated with this scene, so I'll express my feelings for both.
Relief: I'm glad Twilight doesn't have to stay stuck here for who knows how long
Frustration: This was a brilliant setup for them to deal with the loss of one of their closest friends and princesses, and the possibility to find a way to pry that portal open themselves. And having Twilight be saved just like that, it just blew that chance.
Oh well. There's something else I need to complain about as well. That being the sudden mentioning of the Crystal Queen.
I've seen the comment from HackamoreHatler, and he/she (not sure which) pretty much detailed my concerns with the sudden appearance of the Crystal Queen pretty darn well. My main concern, to summarize it all up, is that her appearance is pretty much a Deus Ex Machina solution, which is (nowadays) VERY much frowned upon in stories, especially in my opinion. (Writing and Story: -2 each)
Was that the biggest yeet in mlp or what