The Balance of Harmony

by Thornwing

Epilogue

As word spread about Twilight’s triumphant return, ponies all over Equestria celebrated. The vigil at the Ponyville castle was replaced by a welcome home party. Everypony was glad to have their princess back safe and sound.

It took a while, but the six exhausted ponies finally made it back home. It had been quite a long time since they last saw their own beds. They parted ways shortly after their arrival at the Ponyville train station – each of them eager to return home and get back to their normal routine. The stress of adventuring had worn them down, and they needed to recharge.

Twilight went back to delivering her signature smile and wave combo as she rode through town near the close of the day. Just as the sun was setting, she made it back to the castle. Curiously enough, waiting for her just outside her door was a small package. It had a sloppy, hoof-written note attached which she picked up to read.

She reached down and opened the package revealing a delicious looking muffin tied up with a yellow ribbon. I have the best friends a pony could ever ask for, she thought to herself as a tired smile spread across her face. Picking up the muffin in her magic aura, she went inside—her quest to find the elusive bed and the rest she so greatly deserved at an end.

the end of book two

Author's Note:

Author's Notes:

I want to thank everyone that read along as I wrote this second story for all the amazing comments. It wasn't easy making it through. It took me nearly 3 times as long to write this one as it did the first. I hope it shows in the writing.

When I sat down to write my first story - The Evolution of Harmony - I wrote the entire thing, start to finish, without really coming up for air. The second time around was quite different. I started with the same kind of outline and general chapter format, but found as I worked my way through writing out the details of the story, things changed quite a lot. I always had an idea of where I was going with it and where I wanted to end up, but the details of how that was going to happen poured out as I went along. I really like the way the final chapters came together. I hope you did as well.

Having the extra time to think about the previous chapter and then sitting down to write the next one gave me some perspective. I rewrote entire chapters before I ended up publishing the version I came out with. My outline looks nothing like it did when I first sat down to knock out the first few chapters. There are multiple chapters where I thought I would only have room for one. There are some elements I glossed over looking for the more engaging moments to focus on. In the end, it came together.

The one thing I would ask of you, my dear reader—if you liked the story, please tell me why. Share the part or parts that you felt worked the best. If you didn't like it, and merely found your way here out of shear boredom—tell me what you didn't like. I would really like to know what you think.

Book three is out there. I hope you can come along for the ride and that my stories will entertain you and expand upon the universe that I have come to love.

Thanks again,

Thornwing

Comments

[DarkBlueDreamer]

First of all, congratulations on finishing the story! This was no small undertaking and I applaud you for not just sticking with it but releasing chapters on such a dedicated schedule. Well done!

Overall it was a good story, well put together. Each chapter was easy to read and kept the story moving and the events and characters were logical. At no point did I want to throw my hooves up and go "What?! Whatever." Sadly, that happens sometimes to an otherwise good story.

If I were to offer some criticism, it would be in how quickly conflicts were resolved. There just felt like there could have been more to the resolution of each element... the solutions were novel, but just seemed to happen too quickly. There felt like opportunity to explore the characters more in the resolution, where instead the afflicted were convinced of their errors rather quickly (with as little as a few lines of dialogue) once it got down to it. Now, I know from personal experience that seeing a spot that could use more storytelling, and actually coming up with story to TELL in that spot, are totally different things, so take this with a grain of salt. :) I just felt that, given the magically-compulsive nature of the Chaos Elements involved, it would have taken a little more effort on the part of the heroes.

On the flip side of that, everything was resolved in the spirit of the show and largely in-character, with dialogue and compassion winning the day instead of fighting, so well done there, as well. The only time Power was involved was to save someone from an equally bad Power, also keeping in tune with the show. Again, nicely done.

Overall, I'm gonna give you a Like. :) There's room for improvement, but you did good and I certainly found myself enjoying following this story.

[Thornwing]

4814694 Thanks for sticking with me through it all. I know it can be hard to follow a story not knowing if it will actually get finished.

I'm going to start getting into #3 here soon, and I promise to finish that one as well. After that - maybe I'll do a few short one shot stories that delve into the details or put some better back story on all of this. If I come up with another epic plot to follow, I'll consider doing a long one again -after the third of course - but it does take a lot of doing.

First book took under a week start to finish because the entire thing was a brain dump of an idea I had in my head for a month. The second was more a calculated journey that I outlined and filled in as I went - it took about a month to do. We'll have to see where the next one goes, but I have a pretty good idea of where I want to see it end.

[Thornwing]

4963268

That was on purpose - Discord and all...

[Sunlight Blaze]

Alright; the final chapter. Not much to say here, because it's so short; basically, Equestria celebrates the return of their six heroes, the Mane Six make their way back to Ponyville for a well-deserved rest, Twilight gets a thank-you note from Derpy (that's rather touching...), and she heads off to bed.

Once again, this is a bit rushed; we could have had some more detail put into the reunion between the Princesses and the Mane Six, the train ride home (having them express their fatigue and some other touching details), and get freaking SPIKE into the reunion! I didn't see him anywhere! (unless I just missed him......)

[Thornwing]

5026940

Dracona non grata

It's a play on "persona non grata," literally meaning "an unwelcome person," or in this case an unwelcome Draconequus.

(I'll save the rest of my comments for after the final commentary wrap up.)

[Sunlight Blaze]

And that's "The Balance of Harmony." And, for a sequel, it's not that bad.

This story addressed several possibilities that I've heard several bronies (in other fanfics as well as in person) explore and discuss:
Possible opposites of the Elements of Harmony: addressed
Possible return of Nightmare Moon in future episodes: addressed
Possible link between the villains up to this point: addressed
Possible backstory for Cadence and mention of her parents: addressed.
The characters, for the most part, were portrayed very well, and that's especially difficult with Discord and Pinkie Pie, being the fourth wall breakers they are.

What brought this down from being awesome to just being good is the flow of the writing. Early on, I liked how it flowed; not too fast, not too slow. But once they got to hunting the Elements of Disharmony, I felt it went a little too fast; I mean, taking into account the chaotic nature of the Elements of Disharmony, I don't think the issues (all ten of them!) should have been solved that quickly or easily. And while I liked the scene in the "Twilight Zone" where Twilight recolors her friends, it's basically a recycled (alveit, revamped) version of the events of "The Return of Harmony." The use of the Smooze in the last story was fine because it wasn't something we've seen in G4 at all in the episodes.

Things got especially rushed in these last two chapters; we got pretty much a quick lookover of the events that happened while the girls were solving their problems in the void. I know there's not much you can do there, so I'll cut it some slack.

What happened IN the void, however, I cannot excuse: the speed at which the problems were addressed is a bit jarring, the manner in which Applejack's thing was solved (that being that she basically just got tired of lying and went back to being honest) was just....no, and Fluttershy's way of turning to "malice" was just her being ungrateful.

There's really nothing too glaring about the humor done; a few good laughs here and there, but there was an extensive amount of mediocre jokes used, and that brings the Humor category down quite a bit.

And as for the ending, once again I cannot give it bonus points for the sequel because it's not exactly a cliffhanger there. And with how rushed it is, I'll have to dock you some points there.

All in all, this story was a good exploration of possibilities for Season Five, albeit with some errors that need patching.

Sunlight Blaze's Official Ratings:
Story: A (9.6)
Writing: B- (8.1)
Humor: C+ (7.8)
Ending: C (7.4)

Overall: B- (8.225)

(edit) I'm Sunlight Blaze, and....wait......*looks at title* I just noticed something...."The Return of Harmony"..."The Evolution of Harmony"...and now "The Balance of Harmony." Did you do that on purpose? *teleports*

[Thornwing]

5027171

First of all, I have to say thank you for taking the time and effort to review these stories. It's incredibly entertaining to watch someone read through as it unfolds.

My first story had a lot of problems, but I was able to edit everything before you started reviewing. (It could still use a few tweaks.) I have not had time to come back and edit book two yet, and I know there are a number of things that need attention. At the very least, I need to get rid of {} and aside use of single quotes. The story itself needs some revision work in exactly the places you mentioned. Ideas were in my head that didn't quite make it onto the page—I blame my rush to get things published over taking my time and doing it right.

Book three was written entirely following a good dose of proofreader/prereader comments coming out the book one overhaul. I won't say it's perfect, but it's a lot better than it could have been. I'm still finishing up the last half and am already over 50k words into it. Chapter length has doubled and the over all story is meant to tackle a few of the items I left unresolved from the first two books. It's meant to be a conclusion to a three book story arc with each book still able to stand mostly on its own.

A couple things to point out from book two, the transposing of the element locations was on purpose—not meaning that they moved or changed, but that Discord in his chaoticness really had no idea what he was talking about. On the topic of the rushed ending—mainly, burnout. I'm going to try and fix that and see about getting my vision of things addressed in the actual writing instead of remaining up in my head. On the build up to a non-existent battle scene... sorry, it's not really what I was going for. This book was mainly about the internal struggles of the characters—especially Celestia. I'm kind of tired of seeing miss perfect sun princess getting a free pass on being a 'mary sue' and figured there was something there I could deconstruct.

Dealing with the opposing elements, for the most part I feel I went where I wanted. I actually had a completely different plot to work with Fluttershy, but it could have ended up being its own book, so it got changed. Malice might not be the best choice—I'll think about changing that when I overhaul everything. Not sure what if I did was for the best, but that's what edits are for. The part with Applejack at the very end—the idea was that she was getting fed her own lies and didn't like the way it tasted when it got tossed back in her face. The part with Pinkie I thought worked the best, but the rest were kind of thrown together.

I'm trying to take everything I've learned from these first two books and put it to good use with the third. I've got some new characters that actually have personalities—yay! I hope you'll join me as I bring the story full circle. Once I finish writing, I promise I'll go back and patch up these larger holes so that future readers don't have to stumble through them.

Thanks again for the reviews!

[Sunlight Blaze]

5027282 No problem. I was inspired to do MLP reviews by Youtuber Joshscorcher (you may know him on FIMfiction as The Fiery Joker), so you may find mine to be similar to his (though he does it infinitely better then I do.)

My gripes about the lack of boss battles is just a personal preference; the only real action scene we ever got from any of the villains was the Super-Twilight vs Tirek battle in "Twilight's Kingdom," and that was just awesome. (Nopony can deny that!)
I started out reading fanfictions from the Legend of Spyro series, so I'm used to combat scenes. And when I became a brony, I've kind of been on the bored side in terms of action scenes. But it's a trade-off that I feel is worth it, though it is nice to see some action once in a while.
It's just a personal preference, and won't play any part in my reviews other than me just doing my pointless complaining; it won't have any influence on the final grades.

As for your third book, I'm afraid I won't be reviewing it for a while; I've been putting off some other projects of mine to finish this review - namely, the Spyro story I'm trying to get on paper (metaphorically, of course) on www.fanfiction.net (my penname there is Solaro the Watcher, if you ever want to find me there), as well as an MLP series I'm planning on collab writing. My collab partner is FIMfiction user "Lunar Thunder." Just putting that out there; it may be a few months before we post the first book, unfortunately.

Rest assured, when your third book is finished I'll be there to tear it a new one----I mean, review it.

In the meantime, I'll be trying to get my writing mojo together and actually post something!!!

----Sunlight Blaze

[Vutava]

Something I felt that could have been included was a rescue of the Crystal Queen. She couldn't escape with the rest of the Empire because she was being used as the focus for the escape spell in lieu of the Crystal Heart. Well, she taught that spell to Twilight, who now has access to the Crystal Heart and an Empire of adoring subjects to retrieve the Queen from her extradimensional prison.

[Thornwing]

6609266
You may already know, but there is a part three to this trilogy.