And Then Spacestar Ordering Happened…

by Shark8

Roy

Roy

Roy rolled over to bump into something hard, something bony, something warm… a body? In his bed?

Prying an eye open he was treated to the sight of a small horse’s head laying on the pillow next to him.

‘Eh, I knew I shouldn’t have watched The Godfather last night…’ he grumbled to himself as he rolled over to try to go back to sleep.

The movement however had woken his guest who jumped up in excitement at what he saw, “A human! A real-live human!”

“Go to sleep.” Roy launched a pillow at the Doctor’s head… then several things struck him:

(1) he was in bed with a horse,

(2) the horse had talked,

(3) the voice was male,

(4) the horse was leveling a ridiculous and more than somewhat disturbing grin at him, and

(5) he still had a hangover.

‘Ah, crap… what did I do?’ Roy asked himself as he pulled himself to a sitting position.

“I’m the Doctor, and you are…” The horse said, extending a hoof.

“...still drunk, I think.” Roy said, blinking at the hoof.

“Well, you are Irish, right?” the Doctor asked, grinning at the joke.

“I don’t see what that has to do with having a horse in my bed,” Roy replied, indicating the other side of the bed, “especially one that talks and thinks it’s a doctor.”

“No, not a doctor, the Doctor.” the Doctor corrected.

“Whatever… it still doesn’t explain why you’re in my bed.”

“No, it doesn’t…” the Doctor agreed.

There was a long pause as the two looked at each other.

“So… what are you doing in my bed?”

“Haven’t a clue, honestly.” the Doctor answered with a grin.

“Well, you know… it’s not exactly a common occurrence.”

“What isn’t?”

“Waking up with a horse in my bed.”

“Oh, come on now, we’ve already gone over that.”

“But. There’s. A. Horse. In. My. Bed.”

“Yes.” The Doctor said flatly. “And, what are you going to do about it?”

Roy sighed and massaged his temples before reaching down to the floor by the head of the bed, retrieving a bottle. After a few swigs he gestured the bottle toward the Doctor.

“Why not?” The Doctor shrugged, taking the bottle from his new friend.

● ● ● ● ●

“Now… let’sh wash this.” Roy slurred, holding up a DVD case for the Doctor to read, but the way his hand kept moving made it really hard to lock on to.

“Wah’zit?” the Doctor asked as he tried, and failed, to read it.

“Jus tha best-est science-fiction the U.K. has to offer… an’ thish fitz tha sheashon.” Roy replied as he set the DVD in the player and set it to play.

After the anti-piracy ad played the first scenes of the film played out: Earth, as seen from space, zooming in on England; a Christmas tree and a blond woman fiddling about with presents, then a auto-shop with a black youth hearing something strange…

The Doctor thought they looked strangely familiar. Almost as if…

The next scene the TARDIS burst out of the sky in the alleyway, careening off a building or three before coming to rest…

“Wha!?” the Doctor pointed a hoof at the screen, “It’s the TARDIS!”

“Zzz’ctly, my good Doctor.” Roy nodded, sitting back down on the couch.

“No, you don’t understand!” the Doctor cried as Mickey (the black youth) and Jackie (the woman) met the Doctor stepping out of the TARDIS. “My TARDIS! …and me!”

“Wait, you’re not saying you’re THE Doctor, Doctor… are you?”

“Yes, that was right after I regenerated…” The Doctor replied, then said, more to himself than Roy, “I was a good-looking bloke then.”

“But, you’re a horse.” Roy protested, if there was one thing he knew about Time Lords it was that they looked human.

“Pony, actually.” The Doctor replied.

Roy just looked dumbfounded at the horse sitting on the couch.

“Right. A talking pony… that thinks he’s a Time Lord.” Roy scoffed, “Prove it then, take me on the TARDIS.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not.”

“It’s not here.”

“Then where is it.”

“Back in Ponyville.”

“Ponyville.” Roy repeated, with a note of dry disbelief, “Ponyville?”

“Yes.”

“Like a town, of ponies, called Ponyville.”

“Yes, in Equestria there’s all sorts of pun-based names, like Trottingham or Cloudsdale, or Cantorlot.”

“Equestria?” Roy parroted again, “No, wait, Ponyville.”

“Right.”

Roy brought a hand to his face covering up a nervous smile and a bit of a laugh. “I can’t. I just can’t. — The Doctor, turned into a horse, er, pony… and then in my flat… I can’t believe it.”

“I can prove it.” The Doctor replied, getting off the sofa and taking the single step to the TV before pulling out his sonic screwdriver and prodding the television with it. “See, I’ll clear up the interference pattern on your tele…”

The Doctor sat back down, admiring his work… as did Roy, although he remained standing; he was amazed at his tele presenting a clearer picture than it had even when new.

“I-it, y-you’re… Real!” Roy pointed at the pony sitting on his couch before shrieking with fan-boy abandon and then fainting.

The Doctor kept his eyes on Roy for a few moments before returning his attention to the tele and watching his old adventures; Roy would wake up when he woke up.

A few minutes into the episode, the phone rang and the Doctor answered. It was some guy named Moss wanting to talk to Roy, but Roy was still unconscious so the Doctor explained that, hung up, and continued watching Doctor Who sometimes mumbling “They made me into a tele show, brilliant!”

● ● ● ● ●

Roy regained consciousness he joined the Doctor for the last half of the Christmas invasion, and when the end-credits began to roll he asked,“So, how did you become a pony?”

“I’m not sure…” the Doctor explained, “I was traveling on in the TARDIS and it started acting all wonky, I landed and started walking about, and then I ran into a talking pony who seemed to think I was a pony as well… turns out I was!”

“Ah, I see…” Roy said, nodding, “So it ‘just happened’.”

“Exactly right!”

“Well, that’s a bit of a bummer… I was thinking it’d at least be an interesting story, what with you saving the Earth from the Daleks or the Cybermen or the Zygons.”

“Well, after I was a pony I did have a bit of an adventure going up against the...Cy-cy—” the Doctor broke into a fit of giggles before clearing his throat and finishing, “—Cyberponies.”

“Cyberponies?” Roy repeated with a dry befuddlement.

“Yes, Cyberponies!” the Doctor said with a huge smile, “Equestria has a lot of equine-based puns and wordplay, I just love it!”

“…yeah.” Roy nodded along, “I can see that… you’re much weirder than I would have imagined.”

“Why, thank you!” the Doctor grinned, “I… wait, you’re not still going on about the pony thing, are you?”

“Well, without being able to ride in the TARDIS… it’s kinda… you know.”

The Doctor and Roy stared at each other a bit.

“Well, yes… I suppose it is my most defining trait at the moment. —” The doctor pulled out his sonic screwdriver again, “Well, and this.”

● ● ● ● ●

Roy and the Doctor walked along the city streets, their destination a mere block away.

“Are you sure about this?” the Doctor asked, “I don’t think they’ll allow animals inside… and I sort of do look like a pony.”

“Yeah, yeah… just be quiet and let me handle it.” Roy responded, his belly growling for the delicious food served at their destination: fried chicken that came in a real galvanized iron bucket — it was the greasiest, and therefor most delicious, chicken in the entire city.

The restaurant was packed for a Saturday, meaning there was a line waiting to be seated, but the waiter took such a while that Roy headed off to the toilet leaving the Doctor to hold their place in the line.

When he came out he ran into the manager who’d been summoned by a waiter due to reports of a pony standing in line.

“‘Ey, you’re not disabled!” the manager roared pointing at the door Roy’d just emerged from — the disabled restroom.

“I am; I’m disabled.” Roy insisted.

“Howso?” the manager put his hands on his hips and glared at Roy.

“I used to be a bosseye, but the medical operation screwed up my vision so now I see doubles and have to be escorted about in public…” Roy replied, remembering the fiasco with the calendars.

“Oh, where’s your escort then?” The manager crossed his arms, not believing the story.

“Over there.” Roy pointed to the Doctor, “that’s my seeing-eye pony.”

“Seeing-eye pony?”

“Yes… I need a seeing-eye pony because I’m disabled.” Roy explained.

“Sir, he’s telling the truth… my cousin has a seeing-eye pony, too.” the waiter said earning incredulous looks from both Roy and the manager… though the manager’s held his whole attention.

“I see…” the manager nodded after a second, then turned to Roy grabbing his arm, “Let me escort you back to your pony.”

“Thank you… it’s so kind, because I’m disabled.” Roy said, almost crying at how this ridiculous ploy had worked… again.

● ● ● ● ●

“So, how did you get me in here.” the Doctor asked, wiping his muzzle with a napkin.

“I told them you were my seeing-eye pony.” Roy replied, finishing off a drumstick.

“A seeing-eye pony?” the Doctor laughed.

“Yeah.” Roy nodded, “It’s pretty ridiculous… say, what do you want to do after this?”

“Well, we could visit the racetracks.” The Doctor suggested, “I do speak ‘horse’.”

Roy shrugged, “Sure, I could use a few quid.”

● ● ● ● ●

“You dirty cheat!” the thug roared at Roy the instant before punching him.

“Ah!” Roy cried, raising a hand to his now-bloody nose. “Ah d’n’t cheat!”

“Yeah? Get out o’ here before I beat you to a pulp, wanker.” the thug replied.

“Fine,” Roy left with an incredible speed considering how the world was spinning. “We’re going.”

Retrieving the Doctor, they made their way to Roy’s small flat whereupon Roy put a DVD on for his guest before announcing he was going to ‘have a bit of a lie down’ and collapsing on the floor.