The desolate plain before me was not at all that pleasant. The few trees that were littered around the place probably once stood gracefully, but now, the sheer velocity of the wind and the unrelenting bitter cold of the area had made them wither away with fear. Lightning danced around playfully, jeering at the trees. One of the trees slowly fell into the hell-hole which was the earth bellow. Maggots immediately swarmed around, preparing for the feast. It was dead. Probably about as dead as me.
"Get up!"
A Pegasus yelled at me, but I couldn't. I was a failure. How could I have left my own life behind? I was just a little mixed up after... No. That was the past. I had to get up. Now. My once gleaming hooves had withered over the years like the trees, but my strength had only grown. And it was time to put my physical and mental strength into this moment. I pushed my hooves down. All that fame, all that love, all of my happy memories needed to drown in the filth I was digging into. I pushed up. I had done it. I had been a success. But no.. I had been too certain. I couldn't stay up. I had to fall. And we fall so...
"I said... GET UP! Who are you if you can't do this? Huh? A failure? Yesss... A failure... That is all you ever shall be. A little colt mourning his parents... TRENDERHOOF WAYNE!"
I was confused to hear her say my name. How did she know...
"Trenderhoof? Are you even listening?"
Rarity cocked her head at me, and I was immediately transported back into the present. The fellow ponies at the table gave me a bloodshot glance. I blushed, before improving my posture. To be fair, these board meetings were something to fall asleep at.
I brushed down my mane as Lyra Heartstrings, a unicorn from the government studying Antropology, continued her lecture on improving Equestria by gaining 'hands'. I honestly couldn't be bothered for such things. I had been back in Manehattan for 3 months now, and had already been given back my rightful place as head of Wayne enterprises. Though when I was a colt, I imagined being head of a company would be a lot less... Boring.
To be fair, my Father had always cherished having days off whilst his co-head of Wayne enterprises took hold. Sometimes, if my Father was really sick, the co-head would take me round the building on his back, and I would laugh as he rushed around, skidding in tight corridors and pushing through the ponies who worked there. What was his name again?
Oh, that was it: Cheese Sandwich.
"WAYNE!"
"AAARGHH!!"
I jostled up, to see I had been beginning to doze off. Lyra threw her pen down on the floor, and left in a huff, talking about 'doing it with somepony who actually cared'. Mares these days. Another mare, who I happened to actually care about, was giving me a harsh look. If looks could kill...
"TRENDERHOOF! You just lost one of the best graduates from Canterlot University because you have a sleeping problem!? What is wrong with you!?"
"Nah, I'll just get Bonbon to stop her on the way out to tell her I'm sorry and she can come for another appointment later. BONBON!"
The familiar cream coated Earth Pony rushed upstairs whilst balancing a book on her head.
"BONBON! STOP THAT HAND-LOVING UNICORN AND GET THAT BOOK OFF YOUR HEAD!"
Harsh, I know, but Bonbon can deal with it. She's known me all my life, and has know my parents for all of their lives too. She's REALLY old.
"I regret to inform you sir, but that Unicorn is my niece and she will not listen to me. And you told me to balance this book on my head so I may get smart."
I sighed deeply, before explaining to Bonbon I was joking and it didn't matter that Lyra was her niece. I love bossing Bonbon around. She nodded, and placed the book on the table and rushed back downstairs. I hadn't noticed that all the board members had left, apart from Rarity.
She let out a loud sigh.
"What?
I said, puzzled.
"Honestly... YOU ARE A SON OF A BITCH! Wait, even that doesn't come close to your behaviour. I may not be your childminder, but you're acting like Bonbon is! Grow up you idiot! Remember that recital we had to do every day when we went to school? 'I, a pupil of Red House private school, am to work hard, never give up, be kind and friendly and respect everypony at home and at school'? Oh wait, you've already broken all of those! Ever since... You know... You just cannot seem to stop being immature! You can still try to be that five year-old Colt crying his eyes out outside the theatre, but no, you can't. You have to stop focusing on the past! I doubt Sleek and Cross-Stitch would approve of this."
The door slammed shut as I frowned. As I said, Mares.
I walked up to Wayne manor with a angry, slightly depressed Bonbon. As the big tall gates that used to scare me as a child loomed over me, I asked Bonbon what was wrong. Was it something to do with her nice?
"No! It's just... Though I am your butler, I feel you take charge of me a lot. Your parents never used to do that-"
I immediately butted in.
"BUT I'M NOT MY PARENTS, I'M NOT SOME POSH PIECE OF SHIT NOT ABLE TO FEND FOR MYSELF!"
"But sir-"
"GO AWAY!"
In silence, we both walked up to the front door. I headed upstairs, and I saw a sad Bonbon through the corner of my eye. Maybe she was right. But I would wait until later to find out.
When I arrived inside the safety of my room, I quickly turned my head toward the stethoscope that lay on my bedside table but I could not stare for too long. It pained me to just think about them-which I did pretty much every time I thought. Why? Why me? It never did make any sense. Though I was condemned inside the prison which was my painful thoughts, I knew a way to get out. Sleep. I collapsed onto the bed, and levitated a small glass in which lay a red jewel in the shape of a strike of lightning. Soon, I was too tired to keep it in the air, so I lowered it back onto the table and fell asleep.
2 pairs of hooves-mine and another's-clacked across the wooden planked floor. All I knew about where I was going was that it was time for my final test. As I continued to walk, I saw a black-hooded figure (which wasn't all that strange because we were all wearing black) sitting majestically on it's throne. It, or she, as I now knew, pulled down its hood to reveal a yellow mare with a long,silky mane. I was awed by her beauty that I barely noticed when the Pegasus next to me bowed. Following, I too bowed, yet my longing for her face made me leave my eyes open. She bowed to her student, yet ignored me. But I was not suprised. Of corse, anypony should bow to the brave, loyal Rainbow Dash Ghul.
"Empress Fluttershy, our 'friend' has fulfilled the means of becoming a member of the Shadow Clan. Shall he now perform his final duty?"
The wise Empress nodded slowly, and all the other Shadow Clan members formed some sort of maze. They all wore the identical black suit and the grey balaclava. I had to find Rainbow Dash solely on the colour of the eyes. I stepped into the maze. I walked along the rows of ponies before stopping. A young filly with blue eyes and a white horn sticking out of her balaclava trembled under my wrath. I felt powerful. I sauntered on, before sensing movement in the endless abyss of grey and black. I was close. I rushed ahead, making special effort to barely make a sound as my hooves clopped against the floor. Something-something I had no idea what- made me stop. I looked at the pony on my right. Purple eyes? Check. Rainbow mane sticking out of the balaclava? Check. Wings? Check. I pulled my dagger out of my belt and struck it against the pony's chest.
"Well done, well done, you have found my look-alike. Now to deal with the real thing..."
The real Rainbow Dash hurdled herself at me, sword glistening with blood as it pierced my side. I yelled. Collapsing onto the floor, I felt as if I had lost my power. I couldn't control that filly. I was useless. Rainbow was on top of me. I realised I had failed. I couldn't be part of the clan. But the fight wasn't over yet. I jumped up, and struck my blade into Rainbow's hoof. She too yelled, and the real fight commenced. Blades clashed, but we were both weak. The amount of blood pouring from my side was more than a pint so far, and my breaths became more rapid. Rainbow was not losing much blood, but she limped as she walked, making me no more stronger than her. The fight lasted a good amount of time, yet I barely noticed when all the other ponies walked off. I knew it was time to find out the winner. I enveloped Rainbow in my magic and smashed her onto the cold, hard floor. Her head was bleeding now. I lashed out my sword to her throat. Yet I did not cut it. She, after all, was my friend. And I would not kill her. Empress Fluttershy stepped forward, and congratulated me in a emotional-less voice. I had won.
"As you have defeated Rainbow, I now give you the honour of slaying a criminal scum."
Fluttershy spread out her wings and grabbed a poor unicorn filly by the tail. She dragged her to the front of the room where I stood.
"This filly has snuck into the system. She does not belong here. Show her what true scum like her deserve."
The balaclava was removed, to reveal a purple unicorn with a white horn and the blue eyes he had seen earlier. And I needed to kill her.
Well for having no idea what your doing it isn't that bad.
Needs more description and a little bit of a slower pace though
4646152 yup. I guess I did rush it a bit. But then again I am always looking for editors...
4646286 well, I'm too busy sadly, with my own writing.
4646448 no probs
when i first looked at this I accidentally read "ButtStallion"
4649822 lol
4649822 lol so did I. Handsome Jack may be a dick, but he's the kind if dick that makes you laugh before he kills you.
4650454 indeed
Name of Story: BatStallion
All of this review is based off my opinion and my way of writing. I hope it will be helpful. Feel free to pm me if you have concerns about what I've written here OR would like me to take a second look OR would like me to focus on something else that didn't catch my attention the first time.
Or you could respond to this comment.
~Technical/Style Concerns~
Your first line... Well...
It's a very vivid line that stands out but it's not very good at establishing the scene. Unless it's not important, you should draw out the scenery and linger on it. Establish your character's way of thinking with word choice and sentence length.
Here's how I would go about it: (If the scenery is important as in establishing character and 'RELEVANT' place without saying it outright.)
Here's how I would go about it: (If the scenery wasn't important in anyway. Like it's just there for dramatic sense.)
Experiment, my friend, experiment what's good for your story. Since this is a first-person story, you're doing to have to make strong character voice to carry the plot and all other good stuff.
This scene here:
Drag it out if it's going to be a flashback/dream sequence. Or have the character be very much caught up in his thoughts before being brought out of them by Rarity.
As for the rest of the chapter. You might want to break up those long bricks of paragraphs and mind where you bring up new information.
Here's how I would break up the paragraphs.
Also this scene:
Drag it out, my friend. Make this into a conversation or have Trenderhoof think about it. This maybe a crossover with Batman but it should come as a story, first. Trenderhoof must have his own distinct way about it. Don't just push characters in roles, explain why they are there. Elaborate.
This part here as it signals a dream/flashback should be made to stand out more.
Since this is a new scene, you should signal it as such.
This story may have pony elements but it should really stand on it's own. Like hey, that may be Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, but their not the same 'Canon' ponies. That means everything that could be figured out by their names doesn't mean much in this scene. You might as well replace them with OC names like Moon Struck and Hurricane Glitz and it would have the same effect.
What you need to do is drag it out. Put breath to it. Color. Smell. Make it feel... more which I understand must not sound helpful but you as a writer is going to have to figure that more out yourself. I can only give you examples of how I would do it but trial and error is your best friend here.
Here's what I did based off your three lines here:
Everyone may know My Little Pony and Batman, but they don't know your story. Make it interesting. Make it have breath. Presence. Don't just copy and paste ponies into roles without giving some substance to it.
~Things that I liked~
Has a pretty interesting premise of having Trenderhoof used as the pony going under the old Batman myth story.
I enjoyed the tension between the characters even though I wished that could have been elaborate on. Lyra as Bon-Bon's niece? Really? I want to know more.
I like and love the idea of Empress Fluttershy and I admit that's pretty shallow of me. I hope she's not the pony version of Talia.
~Things that didn't work for me~
It really feels like you copy-pasted characters into the old Batman character roles with justifying or explaining. And when I say justifying or explaining, I mean them as two different terms.
You didn't have to use the last name 'Wayne'. Or play the whole 'sole-heir to millionaire fortune, no one understands me' stick. Or if you're going to go with that, make it interesting. They say that one shows one's character through their actions, not their circumstances. I know Trenderhoof lost his parent but he's doesn't have to act like Bruce Wayne or be a ponified version.
Cross-Stich Wayne and Suit-Slick Wayne sounds dumb. You could play up the whole aspect of Wayne sounding a lot like the grim word Wane. Like I dunno, Cross Wane and Slick Wane. That's all up to you.
~Notes Section~
I should really call this the links section. I find them really useful.
How You Can Write Strong And Lively Prose
The Elements of Composition/Paragraphs
Types of Style
Paragraph Structure
4652318 thank you, I've took all this into consideration and edited. Re-read and I hope you enjoy it
4661528
I'm going to pm you my thoughts. Mostly probably in a couple of hours.
Well done. Very well done my friend. I rate this 11 trenderhooves out of 10. Lol. But seriously this is a really good first chapter to a story. Nice one
4667656 that is y I didn't let u write the first chapter with me coz u would've ruined it. But now, I think you are ready to co-write with me, my douchè bagel friend!
4667656 aka skype. Now. Just messaging.
4667664 lol why am I a douchebagel BTW when am I proof reading arell knight
4667740 LATER my friend (of sorts). Oh yeah lick, don't forget SKYPPPPPPwutPEEEEE
4667172 I don't mean to sound impatient, but it's been a bit more than a couple of hours.
4755495
No, it's cool. I'll take another look over your story but I'd like to send it to you over PM.
4765361 ok