BatStallion

Avenging-Hobbits

Avenging-Hobbits #1 · Jul 5th, 2014 · · · The meeting ·

Reply

Well for having no idea what your doing it isn't that bad.

Needs more description and a little bit of a slower pace though

AnimeLovingBritishHoof

AnimeLovingBritishHoof #2 · Jul 5th, 2014 · · · The meeting ·

Reply

4646152 yup. I guess I did rush it a bit. But then again I am always looking for editors...

Avenging-Hobbits

Avenging-Hobbits #3 · Jul 5th, 2014 · · · The meeting ·

Reply

4646286 well, I'm too busy sadly, with my own writing.

AnimeLovingBritishHoof

AnimeLovingBritishHoof #4 · Jul 5th, 2014 · · · The meeting ·

Reply

4646448 no probs

Comment posted by pewpewpew deleted Jul 6th, 2014

pewpewpew

pewpewpew #6 · Jul 6th, 2014 · 2 · · The meeting ·

Reply

when i first looked at this I accidentally read "ButtStallion"

AnimeLovingBritishHoof

AnimeLovingBritishHoof #7 · Jul 6th, 2014 · · · The meeting ·

Reply

4649822 lol

Raidah

Raidah #8 · Jul 6th, 2014 · 1 · · The meeting ·

Reply

4649822 lol so did I. Handsome Jack may be a dick, but he's the kind if dick that makes you laugh before he kills you.

pewpewpew

pewpewpew #9 · Jul 6th, 2014 · · · The meeting ·

Reply

4650454 indeed

Regina Wright

Regina Wright #10 · Jul 6th, 2014 · · · The meeting ·

Reply

Name of Story: BatStallion
All of this review is based off my opinion and my way of writing. I hope it will be helpful. Feel free to pm me if you have concerns about what I've written here OR would like me to take a second look OR would like me to focus on something else that didn't catch my attention the first time.

Or you could respond to this comment.

~Technical/Style Concerns~
Your first line... Well...

Lightning tore at the trees as the wind screamed across the desolate plains.

It's a very vivid line that stands out but it's not very good at establishing the scene. Unless it's not important, you should draw out the scenery and linger on it. Establish your character's way of thinking with word choice and sentence length.

Here's how I would go about it: (If the scenery is important as in establishing character and 'RELEVANT' place without saying it outright.)

The trees, the drenched trees, so wet, so noble, was struck by lightning again and again. The wind picked up, nothing more than a mocking child, cheering the lightning on and on with it's shrieks and squeals. The lightning struck again and the trees would not kneel. Would not falter. Would not wane under the hysterical, meaningless torture of the storm overhead. When I blinked, there was no trees. Only rain and wind and the desolate sight of the barren plain. But there was always a tree, somewhere. And from that, I shall gain strength.
Worthless strength.

Here's how I would go about it: (If the scenery wasn't important in anyway. Like it's just there for dramatic sense.)

Overhead, the lightning stuck at random around the windy plain. It wouldn't bother to strike at a worm on ground, right? A sweaty, stupid blind worm in a stupid, burning field. With all the light around me, I should see. Comprehend why I'm here. But I'm blinded by stinging pain. I wish it was judgement of the world at large to demand I turn back.
But I know better.
It's only the sweat and rain stabbing into my eyes. And at least, I can no longer make out the blood.

Experiment, my friend, experiment what's good for your story. Since this is a first-person story, you're doing to have to make strong character voice to carry the plot and all other good stuff.

This scene here:

"Get up!"
A Pegasus yelled at me, but I couldn't. My strength had failed me. I was a failure. The familiar multi-coloured mane flashed before my mugged-up eyes, and I realised she was circling me. She had a sword tucked in her belt. I slowly pushed my hooves into the deep soil, and I was up. My certainty that I was going to stay up let me down again.

Drag it out if it's going to be a flashback/dream sequence. Or have the character be very much caught up in his thoughts before being brought out of them by Rarity.

As for the rest of the chapter. You might want to break up those long bricks of paragraphs and mind where you bring up new information.

Here's how I would break up the paragraphs.

Rarity cocked her head at me, and I was immediately transported back into the present. The fellow ponies at the table gave me a bloodshot glance. I blushed, before improving my posture. To be fair, these board meetings were something to fall asleep at.
I brushed down my mane as Lyra Heartstrings, a unicorn from the government studying Antropology, continued her lecture on improving Equestria by gaining 'hands'. I honestly couldn't be bothered for such things. I had been back in Manehattan for 3 months now, and had already been given back my rightful place as head of Wayne enterprises. Though when I was a colt, I imagined being head of a company would be a lot less... Boring.
To be fair, my Father had always cherished having days off whilst his co-head of Wayne enterprises took hold. Sometimes, if my Father was really sick, the co-head would take me round the building on his back, and I would laugh as he rushed around, skidding in tight corridors and pushing through the ponies who worked there.
What was his name again? Oh, that was it: Cheese Sandwich.

Also this scene:

"YOU ARE A SON OF A BITCH! Treating an old lady like that..., what is wrong with you? I don't know, but perhaps your jerk-factor has improved over the years. I HATE YOU! Ever since all those years ago when you tried to kill your parents' killer, you haven't been the same. Just... MOVE ON!"

Drag it out, my friend. Make this into a conversation or have Trenderhoof think about it. This maybe a crossover with Batman but it should come as a story, first. Trenderhoof must have his own distinct way about it. Don't just push characters in roles, explain why they are there. Elaborate.

This part here as it signals a dream/flashback should be made to stand out more.

I collapsed onto my bed and fell asleep.

Since this is a new scene, you should signal it as such.

I bowed as I approached the Empress. Her beautiful, long pink hair glistened in the starlight. Rainbow Dash too bowed as the Empress told us to rise.

This story may have pony elements but it should really stand on it's own. Like hey, that may be Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, but their not the same 'Canon' ponies. That means everything that could be figured out by their names doesn't mean much in this scene. You might as well replace them with OC names like Moon Struck and Hurricane Glitz and it would have the same effect.

What you need to do is drag it out. Put breath to it. Color. Smell. Make it feel... more which I understand must not sound helpful but you as a writer is going to have to figure that more out yourself. I can only give you examples of how I would do it but trial and error is your best friend here.

Here's what I did based off your three lines here:

Bowing and eyes to the moss-lined floor, I waited as the holy silence went on as necessary they were for these gatherings and then the Empress, a strange name for such a unassuming pony, told us to rise. Under the stars that dimly illuminated the stone citadel where we assembled at its steps, the Empress was divine incarnate, as if the sky was merely a cheap blanket covered in simple shiny stones.
I looked to the left and saw a fellow initiate, a pegasi by the name of Rainbow Dash. Not that the name mattered under the dark robes we all wore.

Everyone may know My Little Pony and Batman, but they don't know your story. Make it interesting. Make it have breath. Presence. Don't just copy and paste ponies into roles without giving some substance to it.

~Things that I liked~
Has a pretty interesting premise of having Trenderhoof used as the pony going under the old Batman myth story.

I enjoyed the tension between the characters even though I wished that could have been elaborate on. Lyra as Bon-Bon's niece? Really? I want to know more.

I like and love the idea of Empress Fluttershy and I admit that's pretty shallow of me. I hope she's not the pony version of Talia.

~Things that didn't work for me~
It really feels like you copy-pasted characters into the old Batman character roles with justifying or explaining. And when I say justifying or explaining, I mean them as two different terms.

You didn't have to use the last name 'Wayne'. Or play the whole 'sole-heir to millionaire fortune, no one understands me' stick. Or if you're going to go with that, make it interesting. They say that one shows one's character through their actions, not their circumstances. I know Trenderhoof lost his parent but he's doesn't have to act like Bruce Wayne or be a ponified version.

Cross-Stich Wayne and Suit-Slick Wayne sounds dumb. You could play up the whole aspect of Wayne sounding a lot like the grim word Wane. Like I dunno, Cross Wane and Slick Wane. That's all up to you.

~Notes Section~
I should really call this the links section. I find them really useful.
How You Can Write Strong And Lively Prose
The Elements of Composition/Paragraphs
Types of Style
Paragraph Structure

AnimeLovingBritishHoof

AnimeLovingBritishHoof #11 · Jul 8th, 2014 · · · The meeting ·

Reply

4652318 thank you, I've took all this into consideration and edited. Re-read and I hope you enjoy it

Regina Wright

Regina Wright #12 · Jul 9th, 2014 · · · The meeting ·

Reply

4661528
I'm going to pm you my thoughts. Mostly probably in a couple of hours.

Pixel-the-gamer-pony

Pixel-the-gamer-pony #13 · Jul 9th, 2014 · · · The meeting ·

Reply

Well done. Very well done my friend. I rate this 11 trenderhooves out of 10. Lol. But seriously this is a really good first chapter to a story. Nice one

AnimeLovingBritishHoof

AnimeLovingBritishHoof #14 · Jul 9th, 2014 · · · The meeting ·

Reply

4667656 that is y I didn't let u write the first chapter with me coz u would've ruined it. But now, I think you are ready to co-write with me, my douchè bagel friend!

AnimeLovingBritishHoof