Chapter 1
Pain and suffering, I know how these feel. But at this point, so close to death, I can't help but feel its all pointless once you get down to it. Ponies will still fight for the same scraps of the old world, the same scraps of food, the same bottlecaps, the same land, because war, war never changes.
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I lay here, slowly bleeding out. The music coming from the radio at the end of the hall seems to be getting farther and farther away. Then the red maned brown coated unicorn menace trots over like killing means nothing to him, stepping over his friend's dead body. "you know Neon, you never did tell me your real full name" he tells me.
After a minute I cough up some of the blood slowly drowning my lungs and tell him while stuttering "go die in the ditch you were born in, Gunderson"
"Well then Neon" he lifts his gun with his dark red magic "I think that this conversation is over" he says as he takes his aim at the base of my horn. I stare at him as his magic pulls the trigger magically.
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In a old dusty living room sits a young colt and his father. The young colt has no cutie mark but has light cyan fur, and a grey mane and tail. The stallion sitting beside him is not too different in color, but has darker colors than the boy and has a small revolver cutie mark "daddy, why does mommy hate me so much?" the young colt asks his dad.
"She doesn't hate you Neon, she just... dislikes you." the colts dad says with a pause.
"Why does she beat me?" the young Neon asks. His father looks at him, and says nothing.
Just then the mare in question comes in and sits down in her favorite chair. The mother of the colt has a brownish-grey coat with a red mane and tail.As the young colt stares at her, shaking from terror, she calls out to him "don't stare at me like that." The colt looks away immediately as the father sits sadly in silence. The young colt knows whats about to happen as the mare gets up, angry all of the sudden. The young colt bolts out of the room as the mare shouts in anger "YOU GET BACK HERE".
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"Damnit it was a dud" the stallion says as I sigh in relief but soon realize the pain coming from the almost fatal gunshot wound in my chest. "This one won't be..." He takes aim with his magic again as a giant boom shakes the building. His aim falters and he shoots the ceiling. "The fuck was that!?" Just then someone new that I've never seen before runs in screaming. The unicorn mare has a purple trimmed red mane with a similar tail and a dark brown coat.
Gunderson takes one look at her, then a glance at me. As he glances at me the mare notices me on the floor and then looks even more angry when she looks back at Gunderson. Then he makes a mad dash for the window and jumps out. The mare gives chase as I start to black out from blood loss. As my eyes start to blur, I tell myself that mare could save me, but considering the harshness of the wastes, this is probably the end.
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I wake up with a splitting headache and immediately feel pain coming from the gunshot wound from earlier. "Woah calm down there, you'll hurt yourself." I don't recognize the voice and I look at the source of it. The mare that chased Gunderson stares back at me. Here I can see her in a better light, her cutie mark is two faces, one laughing, one very angry. I look around the room and find i'm somewhere else than the saloon I was in before, laying on a old worn out mattress, with a bandage wrapped around my gunshot wound. I try to thank her but all that comes out is a dry cough as i realize i'm very thirsty. Immediately after the cough she says "oh yeah, your probably very thirsty!" As I nod she levitates a glass of water to my mouth and I gladly drink it down.
After i'm done drinking, I thank her by saying "thank you."
"Your welcome, I always try to help people." she says.
I think about what she just said for a moment and I speak a response "Thats... uncommon in the wasteland."
She frowns a little and tells me "yeah... thats what they all say..."
I suddenly remember why I have a throbbing pain in my chest and ask suddenly "where is Gunderson?" I look around again making sure hes not hiding in a corner somewhere near me.
She looks surprised at my sudden outburst and responds "you mean the brown unicorn?" I nod in agreement and then she says "I chased him around a corner and he disappeared. Then I remembered you were laying on the floor in that saloon and came back to save you." Damn it, he got away, I frown at this and lay back down.
"Might as well just leave me here, Gundersons going to kill me anyway." When I say this, she looses her smile, its true though Gunderson will kill me even though she saved my life.
"Your going to give up just like that?"
Yeah i'm going to give up just like that "yeah pretty much" I say. She doesn't seem happy about this and leaves the room.
After four or five hours she comes back into the room, her face splattered with blood, she looks like she just killed 15 raiders with how she looks now and after a moment, I notice her levitating something with her magic. For a minute I just try to see what it is shes holding, when I notice its a gun, and it looks awfully familiar...
"Gundersons dead." she says bluntly, like it meant nothing to her, does she understand what she just said?
"You killed Gunderson?"
She responds blankly with a "yup"
"And thats his gun?" I ask because it can't possibly be.
She responds again with another monotone"yup"
I stare at her for a moment thinking about how I have been trying to kill Gunderson for years and yet she just walks off for 5 hours and returns with a bloodied face and Gunderson's gun? I don't think its possible. "I don't believe you." I say to her. After I say that she walks out of the door again.
I'm really starting to get tired of this, why did she just leave again? as the hour goes by I think about if she was telling the actual truth or not when she comes back to the door dragging something. When what she is dragging gets into the light I can see that its... what? how is that possible? shes dragging the dead mutilated body of Gunderson, half of his face is missing, his legs are broken in multiple places, and his neck is at an angle! Its disgusting.
I physically turn away from the sight as she says "this enough proof for you?"
I barf a little in my mouth when I say "yeah please... put a sheet over him?".
as she puts the sheet over him she talks "What grandpa? never seen a dead body before?"
"yeah of course i've seen a dead body... but not like that." wait... did she just call me old? "and forty five is not old by the way"
She chuckles when I say that and responds with "well you look sixty". Do I even know her name? "hey, I don't even know your name, what is it?"
She takes a deep breath and says "Sky, just call me Sky" and I thought I was the only one who doesn't use their real name...
"Neon, just Neon." I say back to her. after a few minutes of silence and her staring at me I realize I don't know what to do now... "so uh, what now?"
First chapter complete, if I get any good responses, I'll try my hand at a second chapter.
There are a few mistakes with non-capitalized "I"s (or "i"s for that matter)
I don't get yet who Gunderson was. He just shows up unexplainedly and then he's dead without doing anything. Was he evil and the pony who shot Leonard (with by the way is a pretty uncommon name for a pony. Usually it would be Leon Heart. Almost every pony name is an aptronym. "Human" names don't really fit ponies.) or was he a good one. Leonard's reaction doesn't make that clear either: he's shocked when seeing the dead body, but just because of its half-missing face.
But apart from that it is a solid chapter. Nothing has really happened yet, so it can become something really great.
Before I can give you any thumbs something has to happen. More than the character wakes up at least. I want to see him (I believe it's a him) take action, to see if I like his character.
Foodnote:
You probably shouldn't "blackmail" the readers by saying. "If I get a lot of likes, I'll write more." That usually results in both the FoE haters and people who don't like author's who are begging for likes and attention giving you dislikes.
You should probably write a few chapters, then you can say you'll continue if enough people give positive feedback (although a fanfiction is something for you yourself and if readers like it, that's good, but not crucial.) Just write if you want a if you don't, don't.
4470218 Thanks for the criticism, I will fix the mistakes and I really this is the first chapter of my story, not really fleshed out the characters, and I intended for Leonard to be his fake name that he uses because he hates his real one, but I see that it should probably a be more pony-like along the lines of Leon Hart or something because of pony culture. I will also try to make it so that Gunderson's role was more clear in the second chapter, in my head it was more like "if I get people hooked, for instance not explaining everything in the first chapter, then I will leave questions and they will want to read more" and also by good responses I meant like no "it was hoorible" or "check out my story please".
Next chapter might not be up until the end of next week because of exams, and exam review
so far so good
Just so you know your story was added to the Fallout Equestria Group by G-man64! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!
4498884 Thanks for telling me about that, I would never have realized that it was added.
4502847 I'm... sensing some sarcasm in that statement... Honestly this is just the easiest way to get my name out in case anyone has any questions lol
4503168 Dangit, I didn't mean for that comment to have sarcasm, text doesn't portray the right feelings sometimes, anyway I really wouldn't have realized so thank you.
4503341 Ah my mistake, well anyways have a good day!