Connections
A.N. (anything here is my thoughts)/>Anything here are Pony 207's thoughts</
Pony Two-Zero-Seven woke up in a strange place...It was bright and....bright. He did not understand were the light was coming from, Two-Zero-Seven was in an open area. He looked around, it was a bright green place, nothing the grey-coated pony could recognize. He took a deep breath, and the air... so crisp...so clean.He then walked though the green area, and found water. a huge source of water that seems to be moving downhill. Two-Zero-Seven took a good, hard look at the water, and seen another pony staring at back. Surprised, the ash-grey pony jumped back, ready to fight. But nopony came. He went back toward the water and looked, and seen the pony staring back. The grey-coated pony staring back was...Him. He looked at himself for a while. Shoved his face into the water, drinking as much as he can, the crisp water flowing in, purifying him, until a fish swam in his mouth, and he promptly spit it back out.
"Excuse me? Sir?"
the ash-grey pony has seen the worse. Remembering the young colt's screams, he wasn't afraid. And not from something with a feminine voice. He turned around slowly to find a lavender coated mare looking at him. She was a unicorn.
"Hi there! My name's Twilight Sparkle, nice to meet you!" She said, Two-Zero-Seven seen that she was nervous and gave a reassuring smile to her. Which seem to work well. As there was more confidence in her voice when she asked,
"What's your name?"
Two-Zero-Seven just shrugged.
"You...don't know your name...?" She asked, a bit of concern in her voice now.
He shrugged again.
"Can you...talk?" She asked nervously.
"As far as I--HOLY BUCK I CAN TALK"
"Wait, what do you mean by 'I can talk?' You couldn't talk before?" Twilight asked, clearly confused.
"Yea...Ever since I woke up in this green place..." He said, kicking a rock
"You mean this forest?" She asked, puzzled.
"Say what? What's a forest?" He asked, honesty in that question.
Twilight looked awe-struck.
"You can't be serious, where did you come from?! Did you maybe, get transported to here from a post Apocalyptic future or something?!"
The grey stallion looked up, as if thinking. Then looked at Twilight.
"Guess you could say that."
Twilight looked as if she was gonna kill him. If looks could kill, then our grey coated hero would be flank****ed soooo badly.
"OHYEA,SURE! And what!? You ponies are slaves or something!?"
He thought again. "Yea, that's about right. I mean, check out my flank ( ya need balls to tell that to a mare ya just met. Or be an idiot from a different time period), Those numbers is what I was addressed by.
The lavender mare looked, then fainted.
Pony 207 looked at the mare..Twilight was it? Then proce--'What's your name?'
>Name? I haven't got one...well, I guess I'll have a temporary name of...<
207 looks around, observing his surroundings.
>Ummm....guess..uh...I'll take..Frost. Frost. Yea. That sound cool.<
Frost looked at Twilight.
"Better get you--WOAH"
*GASP*
Frost woke up from his resting session. Each and every bit of detail still remains in his head the green....no...the forest, the clean air and water a-a-and.....Twilight Sparkle. Frost looked up at the clock. 55 minutes had passed. But..the question is, how did that happen? Did he get get transported somewhere in another universe or dimension? No. She was just like Me.
A different time line? Perhaps? or an alternate reality? Is that mare real?
*THUD*THUD*
"Weapon scum! Back to Work!" a Krovozhadnye yelled.
Need to work...And...why am I feeling..so full of energy? No. I need to be blank. No thoughts. Otherwise...Frost's thoughts turned to the young blue colt.
*GASP*
The lavender unicorn woke up with a large inhale. She was...in a forest....she...she...met a stallion! Yes! She met a stallion he was unusual...and that's putting it lightly. Everything just felt so real. A shiver ran down Twilight's spine as she recalled their conversation, and if his accusations are true then, is there a threat to Equestria? Would she need to alert the princess? But....was that even real? Was he real? Or was every single thing about this just a dream?
Ehhhhh. Not bad...
But my one major problem is that you say Pony 207 wayyyy to much. It wasn't as bad in this chapter as it was the last. But you can at least put he,him,himself. But i'll track it.
-Aqua
First off, welcome to the wonderful world of fanfic writing! Second, your description. It's awesome. It makes me want to read the story. That's great. The story itself, however, needs a bit of work. Here's what I have for the first chapter, starting from the beginning:
"It is the year... the year unknown. Calendars aren't needed. Especially when there's nopony why has the time to even keep track of time."
This should be "It is the year... the year is unknown. Calendars aren't needed. Especially when there's nopony who even has the time to keep track of time." I assume that "why" was a "who".
Your exposition paragraph could flow a bit better. Try to practice the idea of "showing, not telling". For example, instead of saying this:
"In one of these factories, there was an ash-grey pony, who, along with the other ponies in the ash-grey pony's sector, were constantly working. Each pony with a number branded on their flank. On the ash-grey pony's flank, there was the number [207]."
You could say something like this:
"Thick, choking, smog billowed out of the factory's smokestacks. It twisted and turned in the air, snapping this way and that, as if angry at the very sky itself. The sky, too, seemed angry. In the light of the fading sun, it shone a vivid red, almost bloody. Yes, perhaps bloody was a good way to put it, considering recent history.
All this terrible beauty was lost on a certain ash-grey pony, toiling inside one of Angrovox's many factories. Like all the others in his sector, he knew nothing but the endless cycle of work and sleep that had been his life since the beginning. On his flank, as with every other pony he knew, there was a number, burned in like a brand. His was 207."
Obviously, that's just a rough interpretation, and you by no means have to follow it or care about it, but I hope you see what I'm trying to get at here. Instead of the reader being told "Character X did this.", they get to see character X do that, and then react accordingly. Imagine if, in Star Wars, instead the epic Vader versus Luke fight scene, we just got a black title card that said "And then they fought, and Darth Vader said "Luke, I am your father." It would suck, right? It's pretty much the same deal with stories. You don't want to force your story upon your audience, you want them to imagine it naturally. The more imagery, the better.
A couple other minor stylistic/ tone things:
(These are just me being nitpicky, so feel free to disregard them.)
Don't use backslashes (/) in fiction writing. It just looks odd. Use a hyphen (-), or just clarify the things being compared further instead.
I'm not sure why you keep referring to your main character as "Pony 207" or "The ash-grey pony" instead of "he". I would understand if you wanted to keep their gender nonspecific, but then you refer to him as "he" in your last paragraph.
You really only need three exclamation points at the absolute most. Any more just looks silly.
Avoid casual interjections such as "yup" when writing, unless you are deliberately aiming for a casual, conversational tone (which I don't think you are). They break immersion in the story and stop the reader from feeling the emotions you want them too.
In a similar vein, try not to directly address the reader as "you" ("and if your number is picked, the execute you however they please"), for the same reasons.
"A long moat, similar to the one pigs use." I believe you meant "trough", not moat. A moat is a trench or hole dug around a building to store waste water and keep out intruders. A trough is a container for feed for farm animals, including pigs.
If you're using italics to symbolize location shifts in the story, make sure to italicize every shift. "5 axes and 1 guillotine blade later..." should be italicized as well. Even though it tells the passage of time, the story still jumps to a new location afterwards.
Always write out numbers in fiction. 173 should be one-seventy-three.
Grammar stuff:
"It's" is the contracted form of "it is". "Its" is the possessive form of the pronoun "it". Most of the time, you want "its", not "it's". Example: "licked it's lips". should be "licked its lips".
You switch tenses a lot. Try to stay in tense your story is written in all the time, otherwise it gets confusing.
Example: "its smile growing wider" should be "its smile grew wider", since most of your story is written in the past tense.
You also seem to be missing various important bits of punctuation, capitalization, and transitioning words throughout the story. I would recommend finding a proof-reader, whether it's someone you know IRL, or, if you are a semi-closet brony, like myself, any of the fine people on this website. Another person catching errors that you miss and making suggestions about your writing can go a long way towards improving your story. I would help, but I am about to leave for a vacation and will not have internet access for the next week or so.
Aaaand that's all I've got. I haven't read the second chapter yet (it's about 2 AM where I am now, so I apologize if some of this is incoherent), but I will try to get to it tomorrow.
In conclusion, I think it's a great premise, I love your description, and the writing itself shows promise. With a little clean-up, polish, and fleshing out, it could be something great!
Hope this helps,
-Sub