Vinyl Scratch lie on the top bunk. She was always on the top bunk (to Octavia's irritation).
“It's a fucking secret!” said Vinyl, likely too loudly.
Octavia cringed: “Well then why'd you bring it up?”
“I-I didn't!” Vinyl was nervous. It made Octavia laugh.
“Tell me!” she demanded.
“Just drop it” Vinyl replied.
Octavia got out of bed. She put her fore-hooves onto the top bunk so she could look at her friend.
“Vinyl I tell you everything.”
“Yeah but this isn't a real secret,” Vinyl averted her eyes.
“?” Octavia looked confused.
“It's not even a secret,” Vinyl rushed out. “It's not important.”
“Hmph!” Octavia pouted, “Anything you wanna keep from me seems pretty important.”
“Just drop it!” Vinyl grew angry.
Octavia's eyes widened.
She returned to her bunk. “Ok... Geez.”
Silence.
“Did you kill some-pony?” Octavia was worried.
“No!” Vinyl stuttered. “It isn't anything like that!” She was blushing.
“Whew!” Octavia breathed a sigh of relief.
Another silence.
“Vinyl?”
“Octavia?”
“If you killed someone you'd tell me right?”
“I told you-”
“I know,” Octavia interrupted her friend, (sorry she'd upset her). “But if you did, you'd tell me right?”
Vinyl thought for a moment.
“Yeah Octy. I'd tell you.”
Silence.
“Octavia?”
“Yes Vinyl?”
“If you killed somepony you would tell me right?”
Octavia raised her hoof, “I promise.”
Hoof bump.
Both fillies thought for a while, Octavia finally breaking the silence:
“So what's your secret?”
“Fuck you.”
“Tell me! It's not fair!” Octavia was pouting. “I always tell you everything and you never tell me nothing. I swear I won't tell anyone!”
“It's not that!” Vinyl sighed. Her friend was right. She had become rather private lately. There was a lot to think about. “It's just dumb.”
A silence.
“It's a crush.” Broken by Vinyl this time.
“Who is it!” shouted Octavia. She was beaming.
“That's it. That's my secret. There.”
“Who is it who is it!”
Vinyl sighed. She tried, but she couldn't find the words.
Octavia gasped. “AAAAh! I know who it is!”
Vinyl grew worried, “You do?”
“It's Burt McClain! He's the only boy I see you hang out with.”
Vinyl sighed, “...Who said it was a boy?”
Slowly realization dawned on Octavia's face.
“Is it me?” she asked it without hesitation.
“No,” Vinyl responded the same.
Octavia took a breath, “Who is it who is it who is it!”
Astonishing. She was unfazed. Her best friend had just discovered she liked fillies and she was acting the same as before. Vinyl brought it up:
“You're not surprised.”
“What?”
“I like fillies.”
“Who is it who is it -”
“Octavia!” Vinyl cut off the now familiar rant. “I. I thought you'd... react.”
“OK!” Octavia smiled.
“But. You didn't.” Vinyl continued.
Octavia nodded.
“So you don't care?”
Realization dawned Octavia's face once more, “Was THAT your secret!”
Octavia began to laugh.
Vinyl grew angry. “What the hell is so funny?”
Between giggles Octavia told her.
“You were going on like you needed me to help you hide a body!”
She burst into another fit of laughter.
Vinyl was confused.
“You're right,” Octavia stood up. “That's not a real secret. Do you wanna know what the real secret is?”
“Uh OK.” What is this Vinyl wondered.
“Who is it who -”
“Lyra OK!” Vinyl faced the wall.
Octavia gasped...
“Who?”
“Lyra.” Vinyl sighed. “I'll point her out to you at school.”
“Are you guys gonna KISS?”
“Fuck you.”
The first pause in a while.
“She thinks I'm really funny.” Vinyl started.
“OOOOOOOOOO!” said Octavia.
Vinyl continued, “And we talk after school sometimes-”
“OOOOOOOOOOOh!” Octavia inserted.
“Goddammit Octavia.”
“What's that? Vinyl and Leeron are sitting in a tree?”
“Lyra.”
“And they're K-I-S-S-I-N-G! My god!”
“Fuck you,” said Vinyl. She was smiling.
Octavia chuckled.
She flicked off the light. “Goodnight Vinyl”.
“Night Octy”.
Woah, no offence, but this is pretty bad.
First off, your grammar in the first part "Vinyl Scratch lie on the top bunk" The way you put it doesn't make sense. If you would read what you have (Sorry, I don't know if you do) then you would know that it doesn't sound right. Lies, would be better, but I would just change the entire sentence around so you don't have to use the word lie at all becouse that is a very tricky word to get the right tense for. No matter what it always sounds wrong.
Next sentence (if you can call it that) is "She was always on the top bunk" One, you should have connected the first two sentences, and just by reading these together I feel hot anger. If that was what you were going for than you succeeded, but there is no reason for anger at the very beginning of your story.
As you have seen I used parenthesis two times. You used it wrong. Something that has to do with the story I.E. Octavia's anger shouldn't be put in ()'s that is part of the story. ()'s are used as in interrupt and break the story's flow. It can be used correctly, but you should never start your story with one. That just confuses your reader like it did me.
The next part is Vinyl stating "It's a fucking secret!" One, I knew it was Vinyl talking becouse the sentence before stated that, and you don't add the word likely in your descriptors. Those should be minimized and only be one word, like angrily or relieved. It slows down the story, but has its place.
I hope this helps, and know that I don't wish to start a fight, just want to help someone out when it comes to writing.
Thank you
First off, I make no promises.
This line is a Mess. its lacking any grammatical tense, 'lie' is present tense and 'was' is past tense, don't mix your tense's.
Secondly; It sounds awkward and has improper use of parenthesis. as 4351218 said; "()'s are used as in interrupt and break the story's flow."
usually they are used as a side note.
Better wording would be; 'Vinyl Scratch was lying on the top bunk as per usual much to Octavia's irritation'. It links the sentences and the whole line together better and keeps flow.
Don't do this, ever. Never use a symbol as a whole sentence, if octavia was saying 'question mark' then type it out. Don't put symbols or numbers in speech, all it does is jar the reader (however, when it comes to longer numbers its appropriate to use numbers not words, such as 77 and the hundreds)
out of immersion into the story, particularly symbols as I wasn't sure if there was just a missing sentence there. Don't confuse the reader.
These are just a few things I noticed.
Also there needs to be a bit more description, for all I know, they could be lying on a bunk bed that's floating in a swimming pool or they could be in an open field. Set the scene, briefly describe where they are even if you just say that they are in their room.
Second, you often state that they are either confused or nervous or whatever. Try to show that they are instead of simply telling the reader that they are.
for example 'Vinyl was nervous, shifting and fidgeting with the bedsheets' or 'Octavia's brow furrowed in clear confusion at Vinyl's off hoof comment' etc, etc, yada, yada. Then you could maybe go on to explain why she was confused or something.
My advice, get an editor, they will help you smooth out the kinks in the story, also a pre reader helps. These aren't hard to find as there are a few groups you can join and ask for help, and they will most likely be glad to help.
Also keep writing and practising, when one starts writing they can only go up. You'll get the hang of it.
Air Heart.