The Misdemeanor Private Detective Agency

by Myriad of Failure

How To Displease Ponies

The cheers and calls from the pups below seemed distant as we circled each other in the air. Eventually, one of us was going to have to make the first move, but until somepony worked up the courage we were going to stay like this.

We'd been circling for nearly five minutes. I was starting to get dizzy.

Not one to be out of the action, I finally decided that I would make the first move. It was at that very moment that Cadaver lunged, leaving me no option other than to flip backwards and begin my retreat. Not that it was a retreat - more like an advance to future victory. Possibly.

I misjudged a turn, spinning around too fast, catching my opponent's blade with a loud clash. For a second I thought this was a good accident - then I was caught by his second blade as he twirled. Lashing out, I disentangled us. Leaping, I tried to gain height, needing the room to manoeuvre. Looking back, I saw that he had recovered faster.

It would be mere heartbeats before he caught up to me.

Deciding there was enough room, I wrapped my wings around me. Instantaneously, I was plummeting downwards with only the blades extruding from my body. Clearly Cadaver wasn't one for quick movements, as I crashed into him face first. Abandoning the ball, I struck against him with hooves and buffeting wings, preventing him from using his own.

Realising that the sounds beneath us were getting a lot louder, I kicked against his chest - launching myself into the air. There, I tried to pour as much speed into my wings. Being larger and a stallion and a full-time guard, Cadaver was inevitably be faster than me - but that didn't mean he was as agile.

Feeling my rib cage protest, I twisted into various aerial tricks I had been learning since I was a foal. Obviously, with the blades these stunts didn't quite go to plan; but who needed plans?

I closed my eyes and tried to let my other senses take control. Back when I had been fighting as a member of the Guard, I had always found it easier to ignore my eyes when it came to working out where the enemy was - most bat ponies did. So in this state of literal blindness, I carefully listened for where Cadaver was (as well as the ground, the other ponies, and the edges of the training ground).

He was behind me, starting to lag a little. Waiting a few more seconds and his wing beats had altered so that he was merely hovering - no doubt realising that it would be quicker to wait for me rather than play cat-and-mouse. In one quick loop I could collide with him.

So clearly this was the only viable course of action.

Angling correctly, I flipped over on an up-draft, coming at him from above. Here, I opened my eyes, allowing myself to block the swipes of his blades. Like this, we struck and parried blows, each trying desperately to remain in the air. This time, it was he that misjudged a wing thrust, causing him to curve wide. Rather than blocking my own wing (which struck at thin air), the cold metal caught me across the face.

Stunned, I fell back, feeling my eye swelling up already. Disorientated beyond sense, all I could do was plummet as the air rushed past me. First things first - which way was up?

I opened the eye that hadn't been hit and was greeted with a whirl of colours. I timed my actions, extending my wings just at the right second. With that I swooped over the large mass of earth a few yards beneath my hooves.

Having expected me to land, Cadaver was hovering several meters up, watching the spectacle. Upon seeing him, I beat my wings in his direction. The sudden change of course, aided by my prior fall left me hurtling towards him. The impact was too sudden, too heavy, and too chaotic to avoid.

Soon we were both streaking towards the earth, entangled so that neither could free themselves and fly.

I braced myself for the painful collision with the earth. Again.

...

I peaked open an eye, seeing the ground below me, noting that it wasn't getting closer. It also had a strange sparkly blue hue to it now. I felt myself move sideways, released from the confines of Cadaver's hooves and wings. The ground still wasn't any closer.

"I believe that an explanation would be fitting," a voice in front of us calmly stated. Raising my gaze I looked at the speaker; I lowered it again immediately. I was starting to get a strange feeling of deja vu. No - not deja vu - I had actually been in an almost identical situation before. Lucky me.

"P-Princess Luna... I... um..." My face flushed with blood as I hung suspended in the Moon Goddess' aura, wondering how angry she was, and whether she remembered that she still hadn't punished me for the bubble wrap incident. "... I can explain...?" I mumbled weakly.

"Can you?" Her majestic eyebrow raised lightly above her regal eye-shadow, "For I was informed that I may observe the training of the next generation of my Royal Guard, however, I find myself instead watching the crash landing of a senior guard and a pony that does not even serve me."

"Every bat pony serves you, Princess Luna, Protector and Bringer of the Glorious Night - we need not be confined to the Royal Guard." I grovelled pitifully - sometimes it paid off to be a hopeless suck-up.

Silence proceeded my statement, with the Ruler of the Infinite Night Sky giving a refined sniff.

"One prefers if you do not simper quite so pathetically."

"Sorry, Princess..." I hung my head and waited for the inevitable.

"I can explain, O Merciful One!" Cadaver implored, not taking the hint about not fawning over the princess. Seriously - just because they're royalty doesn't mean you have to trip over your pride to kiss their hooves! "For this civilian has insulted the good name of the Night Guard - thus leaving me no other choice than to admonish her for her crimes!"

"I did not 'insult the good name of the Night Guard'!" I protested, glaring at the pony suspended beside me, "He's lying, Princess Luna! I was merely defending my own personal ability-"

"She was bragging shamelessly-"

"-with the same grace and honour as I had when I was a gua-"

"-clearly she just can't accept that she's no longer good enough to be a guard-"

"-but he wouldn't listen-"

"-and-"

We exchanged a mutually murderous glance and declared simultaneously, "They started it!"

"ENOUGH!" The Royal Canterlot Voice boomed. We fell completely silent, like a guilty grasshopper, with only our hearts beating furiously from the flying and the heated debate. I prayed to the stars quickly, hoping that Princess Luna would take my side of the argument.

Behind us, a pup tried to stifle their giggles. At least somepony enjoyed this.

"I do not expect this behaviour from foals, let alone two fully-grown ponies who have both been members of my Royal Guard!" She stared at us with narrowed eyes, as if deeply disappointed with us. "Your actions were incredibly dangerous, and you could have been seriously hurt if I had not been here. I do not want to see you doing such things again."

"No, Princess Luna..."

"Sorry, Princess."

"Good." Her gaze softened as her cheeks swelled with a slight smile, "Now, may I thank you for such an entertaining display." A trace of foalish glee graced her immortal features, "I have not witnessed such recklessness and vigour since the days of old, and I am delighted to see it still exists!" She leaned down to our level above the ground, whispering loudly, "Just do not inform my sister of these activities - we all know what the Day Guard are, do we not?"

"A bunch of fearful, cotton-wool coated butterflies, who fear the very shadows beneath their hooves!" The pups chorused back dutifully, relishing the exclamation. Rumour has it, this chant was created when the Royal Guard were first been established - courtesy of our own imaginative Moon Goddess.

"And the Night Guard?"

"A colony of devoted, steel-hearted bats, who fear nought but the harsh embrace of the Sun!" They replied again, their eyes narrowing as they attempted to appear more fearless and muscular. Some of them managed to appear to be suffering from severe stomach cramps - the rest were not worth mentioning.

"So... you're not mad with us?" I ventured.

"You won't banish us to the Sun?" Cadaver whined pitifully.

"No - I am not," she raised herself back to her full, magnificent height, though tapped a hoof on her muzzle; slowly and deliberately, "however, as a Princess, I feel that it is my responsibility to punish you. Officer Cadaver, you are to spend the rest of my night cleaning these weapons with an amusingly shaped squeaky cat toy - stars forbid that we hear you make a sound."

"Of course, your Highness..." He murmured, uselessly trying to suppress a sigh. The aura around him broke, leaving him to hit the ground like a beached whale floundering on the sand. Cumbersomely, he pulled himself up to find a newly materialised cat toy in the shape of a spider dangling before him. He took it grudgingly and stomped over to the weapons rack.

"As for you," the Princess turned to me, an intrigued spark dancing in her eyes, "are you the pony who was arrested for the murder of Gently Articulate?"

I frowned, wondering why, in the name of the sparkling tails of comets, the Princess would know that. "I was the pony who was wrongly arrested for the murder of Gently Articulate. How do you...?"

"How have I come by this information?" she smiled enigmatically, "I may have seen the dreams of a particular pony working in the Equestrian Police Force - I believe he may have worked as a prison warden."

Oh - that poor colt I punched. I shrugged it off - at least he would remember me, perhaps not for the right reasons...

Actually, that gave me an idea.

"Princess, if you can see into pony's dreams - could you look-"

"Into the dreams of the suspects?" She guessed immediately - clearly she had been asked to do this before. Instead of answering, she just shook her head, "What I see remains between myself and the pony - and do not believe that what I see is reliable. You would not accuse somepony on the basis of a wandering mind."

"Of course not, Princess..." I groaned inwardly - it had been such a good plan, as well! "I suppose we'll just have to solve it properly..."

"If that is what you are occupied with, I believe that your punishment may be deferred," Princess Luna placed me back on the floor gracefully, as well as removing the wing blades from me with a simple flick of magic and tossing them over to Cadaver. "Dealing with the Equestrian Police Force alone deserves a reward - let alone solving a murder case."

"Thank you, O Princess of the Eternal -" She held up a regal hoof to silence me, so I closed my mouth promptly.

"Now, Officer Orion," she turned to Orion, who had been stood so silently I had forgotten he was there. Stirred by the sound of his own name, he looked up blearily and grunted, clearly having nodded off for the proceedings. "One believe that we were going to be able to observe the training of these young Guards?"

"Certainly, your Highness!" He made a quick salute, and led the Princess over to the pups. "I'll see you in two nights?" he mouthed to me, receiving a quick nod and a tired grin.

This had definitely been one of the weirder training sessions we'd had.

---

Sleep, that night, came accompanied by his rival Restlessness; leaving me stuck in the middle of their dispute, trying desperately to support Sleep, while finding myself drawn towards Restlessness' point of view. Across my mind, fragments of the case danced merrily, trying to invite me to join their party, which was of course being hosted by Restlessness.

Eventually, after telling everypony to shut up and get out of my bedroom, I was able to sink into the embrace of my bed, and other real objects - rather than the metaphors that were trying to explain my mental state. Predictably, this didn't last for long.

With the glare of dawn, I found myself lying awake - exhausted but unable to surrender to the sleep I wanted. Accepting defeat by my own body clock, I tumbled out of bed and lay on the floor, moaning about the pain in my ribs. The night's exertion certainly hadn't improved the pain. I considered seeing my doctor.

Making the excuse that I was too busy to go this morning, I dragged myself into the kitchen, hoping that the milk hadn't gone off yet. It had - typical.

After emptying the rancid milk away and chucking the carton into the bin, I made some toast and coffee. Having worked for Conundrum for so long, I'd adjusted to drinking my coffee without milk. The risk of poisoning from the milk he kept was too great to leave it to chance. I didn't enjoy my coffee as much, and sometimes the bitterness made me sneeze, but I hadn't ended up in hospital with food poisoning, either.

Even after pottering about the kitchen, I was still half an hour early to even consider leaving the apartment. Desperate to not spend any longer in here than strictly necessary (every second passed increased the chance of my landlord or one of my family members turning up), I decided to make it down before Conundrum - there was always the possibility that I might make more progress alone.

I left via the kitchen window, realising with creeping dread that I only had today and tomorrow to earn the rent money. Would the case be solved before then? I couldn't be sure, and it would be cheeky to ask Lady Grace to pay us already, especially when we barely understood what had happened.

As I flew, I considered our options. Neither Lady Grace or Pink Diamond seemed to be of note in terms of actually murdering him - they were both out in the garden, and several ponies had seen them. Bold Enterprise, unfortunately, had an alibi - and his motive would have been flawed anyway, seeing as Perfect Eloquence had refused him.

So who was left? Good Conduct, Perfect Eloquence and... oh - Featherlight. Good Conduct's story didn't quite match, so he needed to be confronted, preferably while sober (him and me both). Featherlight wouldn't hurt a fly (to coin the phrase), and the pair of them both had alibis for each other. Not that everypony had to be telling the truth. Blaming the discrepancy in Conduct's story entirely on drink wouldn't be wise.

The obvious route would be to accuse Perfect Eloquence - the angry daughter - but it seemed too obvious. To commit a crime like that, it would need to be on the spur of the moment; so with almost an hour between her being seen with her father and him being killed - it just didn't make sense, unless we were only seeing half of the picture. Having never named the attacker, Gently Articulate must have been devoted to them if he never tried to name them - or he didn't know them.

Oh - I don't know!

"Hey! Watch where you're flying!" A voice behind me screamed, pulling me back to reality. Their wing clipped mine and I was sent spiralling. Luckily the trajectory wasn't too wide, so I managed to right myself quickly. I cursed the stars for my recent luck in the skies.

"Watch out yourself!" I called out, but the retreating figure either didn't hear me or was ignoring me. Apparently, they hadn't suffered the impact of the collision, and were flying through the upper floor window of a house close beneath me.

I blinked and looked again. In my state of mental distraction, I hadn't realised that I was already in the right district of Canterlot to find the house. By the star-sprinkled night - that pegasus had just flown into the exact house I was going to!

A wild assumption blossomed into my brain. I put on a burst of speed and tore after the pegasus. Because - well - that could be our outside source, the missing piece to the puzzle; possibly even the murderer, returned to gloat. Why else would they enter surreptitiously through a window?

I landed on the roof, praying to that nopony would notice me lurking there. It would have been the perfect excuse for the Equestrian Police Force to lock me up again. Hopping lightly, I landed on the top of a box window, peering over into the room my assailant had entered.

That wasn't what I was expecting.

The room, which I had seen before, looked almost exactly the same - the blue furniture, the blue walls, the blue carpet - but there was something there that wasn't blue. A small, tired looking pegasus was now standing on the desk, which had been pushed into the alcove of the box window. Her light brown coat and sandy yellow mane made her look like a camel, if you pretended a camel had wings instead of humps, with a close-cut mane and tail, short and disarrayed.

All of these details, however, were a second thought. The glaringly obvious change was that she was kissing Perfect Eloquence.

I pulled my head back up, feeling myself redden guiltily, even though it was unlikely I'd been seen. So there was her reason for refusing Bold Enterprise. The nature of this pegasus' arrival certainly suggested that her family were unaware - unless lovers usually sneak into the house, even when invited.

Lowering myself on the box window, I placed my ear close to it, wanting to hear but not be seen.

"-must have flown half the night, Dusty!" That was Perfect Eloquence's voice, clear and earnest.

"I came as soon as I got your letter - I wasn't leaving you here like this, Petal." This 'Dusty' had slightly higher voice, though it managed to sound harsher and naturally hoarse.

"I just - didn't know who to talk to," Perfect said by way of apology, "without Father, and with my mother playing the distraught widow - the only other pony would be Featherlight, because there's no way on this side of Tartarus I'd go to Enterprise!"

"You should have told him you already had a filly-friend," I could practically feel the cheeky grin emanating from Dusty, "I'd have flown the length of Equestria to see his face!"

They shared a heart-felt laugh. Perfect spoke quietly then, leaving me unable to hear. I think there must have been a moment of silence before I heard the next voice.

"Nopony saw you come in?"

"Doubt it - I travel too fast to be seen." A pause was followed this. "I bumped into somepony on the way - but they'd have to be in the Wonderbolts to come out of that spin and see me." I smiled, feeling my ego swell - perhaps not the Wonderbolts, but pretty close.

Hooves clomped on wood before being followed by a thunk - I assumed this was Dusty jumping off the desk. There was a flutter of feathers and then the voice asked, "So what now?"

"I don't know!" Perfect replied, snapping slightly though sighing afterwards, "They all think I did it."

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!" Dusty must have stomped her hoof down, followed by the regular beats of pacing. "You'd have more reason to kill Enterprise than him!" The pacing stopped, with the pegasus adding, "Though maybe its just me who wants to kill Enterprise..."

"Dusty, don't joke about this! They'll arrest me - they've got enough evidence."

"Okay, all right - I'm sorry," feathers fluttered in what I could only guess was a hug, "so what will we do?" Silence proceeded the statement, punctuated only by a bird coming to rest on the window beside me. I glared at it, as if it had invaded my territory, but it just blinked back and began preening under its wing. I blew at the bird, as if it was a flame I could extinguish. All it did was chirp back gaily and hop a little closer. Stupid bird.

"We could always go now..." Dusty suggested.

"What - today? I want them to find the real murderer, not make myself look even guiltier!"

"If they'll arrest you anyway, it doesn't seem like you've got much of a choice."

"I can at least hope they'd be a little bit competent - rather than give up entirely!"

"You want to go, don't you?"

"Of course I do! Just not like this."

I shifted my weight slightly, trying to get more comfortable on the downwards slant of the roof. The bird seemed eager to keep me company, and was practically ready to jump onto my hoof, myself having given up on trying to get rid of it.

Pressing my ear back to the tiling, I tried to work out where it was they were going. Unfortunately, lovers' tiffs rarely make sense to outsiders, and I wasn't following. It could have been something as simple as leaving to where ever Dusty lived, or as extreme as travelling the globe. Obviously, I didn't want it to come to her leaving - there were still questions to ask, and the police would definitely jump at the chance to accuse her of murder.

It was then that I noticed something on the corner of my vision. It shone malevolently in the morning sunshine, each colour of its wing blinking vindictively as it flapped its wings. Every movement it made seemed carefully planned and deliberate. Our eyes locked and I could feel the cold sweat creeping across my skin. Panicking, I attempted to slow my breathing. In through the nose - one, two - out through the mouth - one, two, three - wait and repeat. My plan failed when the garish creature took to the air, careering towards me.

Hysteria took me, insisting that I shuffled backwards. I had to get away. It would be on my face in seconds.

I squealed as quietly as possible. I couldn't disturb the rowing couple - not like this.

A hoof slipped from under me, missing the roof and going over the edge. The other three hooves insisted that we continued to go backwards. Flapping my wings desperately, I tumbled over the edge of the roof.

A split second later and I was wrapping my tail around the drainpipe. My back hit the window with a dull thunk, but I managed to stay upside-down above the ground. Above me, the drainpipe groaned in protest.

For what felt like an eternity, I waited as the butterfly flew over me, showing off its gaudy colours. With almost mocking actions, it twirled around in a victory dance before fluttering down towards the garden.

Immediately after it left - damage done - the window burst open behind me and I was dragged bodily into the room. Wings scraped across the window frame, my rib cage twinged with pain, and I was left flat on my back on the top of the desk. My head lolled over the edge, allowing me to observe the upside-down faces of two very surprised, very angry mares.

Grinning weakly, I offered, "I can explain?"