The Misdemeanor Private Detective Agency

by Myriad of Failure

Friends - You Should Choose Better

It took far too long to persuade my mother to leave, meaning that, by the time I had finally drifted off into the realm of puffy clouds and manic dreams, my alarm was ringing to get up again. Stupid alarms - I personally thought that Equestria would be a far more peaceful nation if we didn't have them. Ponies should be allowed to sleep for as long as their bodies demand; not when society demands.

Unfortunately, nopony was listening to me in regards to the nature of our social structures, so I had to roll out of bed with a miserable grunt.

I flew across Canterlot in the late afternoon sunshine, my new sunglasses perched resplendently across my snout. I was heading across to the manor house again, knowing that the Equestrian Police Force would have suspended their investigations for the day, allowing us to have a quick chat with Bold Enterprise.

Running late, due to the reluctance to leave the sanctuary of my bed, I was having to fly to make up for lost time. The stiffness in my joints was just starting to recede, luckily for me, especially as I was supposed to be meeting Orion again tonight. It wouldn't have looked good to go along with a pathetic limp, complaining about how sore I was. Unfairly, I knew that he was going to be perfectly fine...

From my aerial position, I could just about spy the little splodge of colour beside the manor's gates which could only have been Conundrum. I could even make out his little scowl - though that could have been my imagination...

I made a steep dive, feeling the breeze rushing against my sides. Squinting against the force, I tried to gauge where I would need to pull up. A sudden gust of wind caught my mane, leaving me blinded temporarily. Shaking myself out so that I could see again, I re-evaluated where I was.

Oh...

A second later, I was spreading out my wings, desperately trying to slow my fall.

It didn't work.

I came to a jarring halt as I hit the merciless ground, feeling as if all the bones in my body had moved an inch upwards from the impact. Remembering my training, I rolled with the crash. Only I didn't get as far as I wanted to, and hit into the soft midriff of a chubby, middle-aged stallion - leaving us both to tumble across the pavement like clumsy puppies.

"Argh! Nocturne, watch where you're flying!" Conny exclaimed as I untangled myself from his scarf - which no sensible pony should ever have been wearing in the summer.

"Sorry, sir - I lost vision for a second up there!" I blinked, wondering why I had flipped back to my Night Guard jargon while experiencing horrible flashbacks to when I had previously said that. Maybe I hit my head back there...

"Anyway, to business!" Conundrum brushed the dust from his coat and pretended that nothing had happened. "I've seen the other investigators leave," he explained, giving the 'other investigators' a slight snarl, "so it should be fine to go in and see Bold Enterprise."

"Hopefully it'll go better than those we did this morning," I sighed, and followed after Conny to the front gate, "I'm not waiting for this stallion to spill out all of his opinions on Canterlot fashions and types of suitable drapery. Even more so if he's complaining about being rejected. I can't deal with whining stallions."

---

We were led down the 'west wing' of the house, which bathed in the evening sunlight like a beached whale. Unlike the east wing, it was filled with dark, sumptuous rooms; with heavy curtains, Gothic décor, and exquisite redwood furniture. Although I wasn't sure how it could feel so much darker - when from the outside there appeared to be the same amount of windows. Maybe they were fake windows, whose only purpose was as an affluent display of wealth. Rich ponies do that, right?

Bold Enterprise was staying in one of the guest rooms (of which there were many), and had apparently asked to be placed as far away from Perfect Eloquence as possible. It certainly says something about the strength of arranged marriages - or perhaps the stubbornness and pride of certain mares and stallions.

Featherlight knocked for us, opening the door at a barked command.

"The private detectives are here to see you, Mr Enterprise." said the pegasus, giving a little curtsey. Her tail, which was naturally long enough to drag on the floor, was looking rather frazzled by now, having shown ponies about the house all day. When in the presence of Bold Enterprise, it curled nervously around a back hoof, frizzy hair meeting frizzy fetlocks.

"Surely we are done with interviews for today?" The voice boomed back. "Clearly, there is no rest for the wicked!" He laughed at his own joke and trotted over to us. Almost silently, Featherlight retreated back into the hallway, closing the door behind us with a soft click.

"Not until we find out what you've done that was so wicked." I replied, as he gave my hoof a firm shake. Unlike Perfect Eloquence, he had been aptly named - with striking manners, a quaffed mane of scarlet hair, and a coat so white it practically shone - he was the epitome of the fine stallion about town. He must have been a couple of decades younger than his late business partner, so went into the trade fairly young, as I estimated his age to be around the late thirties to early forties.

"Oh - the usual things - stealing an extra biscuit during afternoon tea, drawing moustaches on ponies in photographs, and forgetting to floss." He confessed, flashing a brilliant smile that looked like he never forgot to floss - clearly he was a liar, though that could have been a requirement for any successful business-colt. "So who would you be?" he inquired, refusing to drop my hoof.

"This is my assistant, Nocturne," Conundrum quickly interrupted, taking Bold Enterprise's hoof away from me so that he could shake it himself, "and I would be Complex Conundrum - we already know that you are Bold Enterprise."

"From your unopposed detecting skills, or did you just ask Feather-fright?" He laughed again, while Conundrum and I stood by with faces as bare as a blank-flank. "But, please - just Enterprise will be fine."

"So, Enterprise," I asked as we sat down in the plush velvet chairs, "you arrived first last night, is that correct?"

"Yes," he shrugged, "I wanted to go over some business dealings with Gently before the party started - my train also arrived a little early."

"Where was it that you've come from?"

"Baltimare; it helps to have somepony living out there to supervise the shipping of rare art," he smiled slyly at me, making my skin crawl, "you can't always trust the workforce." He admitted as if letting in on a deep personal secret.

"In your business plans, your betrothal to Perfect Eloquence must have arisen?" Conundrum asked, his quill and notepad already out and filled with scrawled notes.

"Well, yes, it did." Enterprise snorted as his horn lit a bright turquoise and he levitated over a small felt box, "I brought this to Gently, who seemed to think it would at least impress the ungrateful mare, but clearly he was wrong on that count."

"You thought you had a chance?" I asked. Having met Perfect Eloquence, I was surprised that he even believed she would give him a second glance.

"Of course!" He grunted, his pride clearly hurt, "I would never have tried, otherwise." His telekinesis released the little box, letting it fly across the room to disappear behind a cupboard. "I made her an offer that any other mare would have begged for! A fine house, status, and a profitable business that would become mine on her father's death!"

"So you killed him to control the business?" Conny suddenly exclaimed, slamming a hoof onto the arm of his chair - which had far less impact when the chair was covered in velvet.

"Why would I? She didn't accept the proposal, but I still only own half!" Enterprise shouted back, folding his hooves across his stomach, "Gently was a traditional kind of pony - he wanted to pass his half onto his son, so that's what's in his will. I'd only get all of it as a son-in-law!"

"Getting back to the timeline," I insisted, shooting looks at the glowering stallions, "after you saw Gently, what happened?"

He breathed deeply a few times before continuing, his nostrils continuing to flare angrily. "I went out into the garden, and was talking with Lady and Perfect. Good Conduct turned up a bit later with his family."

"Did Good Conduct know that you were planning to take over the whole business?"

"No, not unless Gently told him - Conduct never wanted to run the business anyway, he just relied on the money it supplied to his allowance." He flicked a hoof casually and settled back into his flamboyant demeanour.

"You left the main party soon after, I take it?"

"I was eager to get it done, and I could see Perfect was in need of rescuing from her sister-in-law." He frowned slightly, buffeting his crimson mane with a hoof, "Did you know the useless mule pushed me into the pond?"

"She may have mentioned it," I replied coldly, finding myself also wanting to push him into a pond. To be honest, I was surprised that it had taken until now for somepony to do it. There was something about his nonchalant arrogance that rubbed me up the wrong way.

"Once I'd dried out I went back to the party - Lady kept asking me why Perfect was so upset, but I refused to say - didn't want everypony knowing about it." The unicorn ran a hoof through his mane again, making sure that it continued to fall behind his head like a crashing wave. "So I started discussing business with Conduct, seeing as I'd be sharing the business with him - though I had hoped that there would at least be a few more years before that happened."

"Nothing else happened afterwards?" Conundrum inquired, no doubt having come to the end of his current timeline.

"Yes," he replied, nevertheless he held up a hoof a second later, "no - Conduct did go inside about a quarter of an hour before Gently came out. You understand that we heard a crash from inside - little Feather-fright had dropped something large, expensive, and made of glass - so Conduct went to deal with it."

"In the kitchen?" I hurriedly said, realising that they may have seen the attacker or Gently during the incident.

"Yes, I believe so." Enterprise shrugged again and sighed impatiently, "Have you finished questioning me now? I was doing some rather important business when you came in."

Glancing at Conundrum, I nodded briefly, knowing when we weren't wanted. Conny tucked the notepad back into his bags and thanked Enterprise, telling him that we'd be in touch later if we needed anything else.

Once into the hallway, Conundrum sighed like a satisfied pony at the end of a long day's work. Something I was certain he had never done in his life. "I believe that's us done for today, Nocturne. I think we've made good progress for now - we can start again at the same time tomorrow."

"There's just one thing I want to check first, sir," I muttered, "you can go home - it won't need the both of us. It's just something that Enterprise said... I think it might be useful - you know what I mean?"

"Not at all, young Nocturne," Conny shook his head sadly, "once you've learnt more you will understand how you must structure an investigation of this complexity - but, until then, I suppose I can allow you to chase this random hunch. As long as I can finally put my hooves up." With that he trotted for the exit, while I turned further into the house to try and find the pony I wanted.

---

I found her chopping vegetables for the evening's meal; some kind of extravagant salad. Her curling mint mane hand been tied back from her face, leaving her mouth exposed as she held the knife between her teeth. Stood at the doorway, I could just make out the slight trembling in her jaw.

"Featherlight?"

"Who's there?" she squealed, dropping the knife which fell clattering to the floor. "Oh, Miss Nocturne - do you need something?"

I trotted into the kitchen (not the one I had seen this morning - it looked more like a place for the servants to have their lunches, now having to become the new base for culinary activity), scooping up the knife she had dropped, I hoofed it back to her. "I'd like to talk to you, Featherlight. I wondered if you might confirm something for me."

"Oh, okay." She sat down as well, knowing that she wouldn't be able to talk to me with a knife in her mouth.

"I think that we've managed to establish a reasonably accurate timeline - there's just one little contradiction." I looked at her, but her eyes had naturally travelled towards the ground. "Did Good Conduct ever leave the garden?"

"I - er - I think he... yes - yes, he came inside," she rubbed her hooves together nervously, as if trying to light a fire, "I dropped the bowl of punch in the kitchen - it made a terrible noise. I think Madam Grace was afraid I'd dropped her bone china plates, and wanted Master Conduct to make sure I hadn't."

I nodded and smiled sympathetically, "It must have been a lot to clean up."

"Oh, yes, it was quite - though Good Conduct was very kind to - um - help me," she returned her own shaky smile, hiding behind the strands of mane that had fallen from the ponytail, "unicorn magic can be incredibly useful at times."

"I can only imagine," I confessed, flapping my own leathery appendages. I must admit - while being a bat pony had its own benefits, being a unicorn looked like great fun. Perhaps, just for a day or two, I could make a pact with a powerful archmage to let me swap for a bit - I could always have traded my soul in, it wasn't like I was really using it at the time.

"Have you spoken to Good Conduct about it yet?" The nervous pegasus inquired.

"I have - but he said he'd been outside the whole time." Her face turned a paler shade as I said that, so I quickly added, "He was drunk at the time - I don't think he quite knew what was happening." I glanced at the mare again, wondering why she would want to know. Something, I couldn't say what, seemed a little out of place. She didn't seem the type to go out of her way to ask a question; especially when the matter was so trivial, so conversational.

"I was afraid that might happen..." her head drooped further as her wings shuffled uncomfortably at her sides, "He never really... knew how to control it..."

"Do you know him well?"

"Well... I suppose we practically grew up together - my mother was the maid back then, and I'd help her out. We were quite close as foals." A hoof drifted to a little silver pendant that lay against her chest, which she slid backwards and forwards on the slim chain it hung on. Peering surreptitiously, I noticed that there was a small inscription on the silver, but couldn't quite make out the lettering. What I could tell was that it was too expensive to buy on any maid's allowance.

"Who bought you that - I take it it was a present?"

"Oh, um, yes - it was a present - from my mother," she quickly explained, as if often having to answer that question. She stopped playing with the necklace and stood up abruptly, "I'm sorry - but - is that all? I'm afraid I do really have to finish making dinner."

"Nearly - I was just hoping that maybe you'd seen or heard something," I rubbed a hoof against my temples before continuing, "seeing as you were both in the kitchen - Gently Articulate would have had to go past it in order to get out to the garden."

"... No, I'm sorry, Miss Nocturne," she shook her head slowly, not quite meeting my gaze (not that she had done so at any other point in the interview), "... I think the door was shut, and we had been talking - I really don't know... I'm sorry..."

"No problem - we'll solve it some other way," I got up as well and shook her hoof, feeling how cold she was, "I guessed that if you had seen something you would already have told me." With that I turned away from the maid, with the knowledge of what I had seen carefully branded into my brain; it was the inscription on the pendant, which somehow seemed important:

My sweetest dove - fly free from me

---

By now, the Sun had made her grand procession across the sky, and had retired below the horizon, her radiant tendrils no longer reaching out to blind me. In her stead, sister Moon had taken her place; pale light flowing forth like liquid silver. Stars had also come out of hiding, and were making the night sky their palace, and the grounds beneath were their entertainment.

Specifically, I was their entertainment, as I had just entered the outdoor training grounds of the Royal Guard.

"You're late." The voice mocked, as a tall stallion sauntered up to me, his yellow eyes practically glowing in the dark.

"Better late than never." I grumbled, knowing that I wouldn't be able to focus on our training with the facts of the case rolling around my brain.

"Did it take you a while to escape from prison?" Orion smirked, obviously having heard through the grapevine that I had been arrested.

"Oh - I escaped within an hour of consciousness," I boasted, "the only problem is that I now have to solve the damn thing myself."

"But what about your experienced commander? And the Equestrian Police Force?" Orion feigned surprise by gasping dramatically and raising a hoof to his fanged mouth delicately.

"Amateurs."

We trotted over the the equipment stand slowly, having decided that hoof-to-hoof combat was too much effort. Unfortunately, though expectedly, Orion was showing no sings of pain after our last training session - which seemed to prove one thing to me. I was losing my touch. Clearly, spending most evenings pouring over news stories and waiting for Conundrum to ask me to make another coffee was doing nothing for my physique.

In front of us spread a variety of lethal looking objects - several containing spikes, chains, the occasional sharpened blade, and a jar of bottled manticore urine - because that stuff could be deadly to remove from white fabrics.

"It's been a while since we used the maces..."

"There's a good reason for that."

Orion stepped forward and picked up a selection of instruments, weighing each in his hoof. A group of pups had come out into the grounds, led by their own commander. A couple of them pointed over at me and Orion - possibly recognising us from a couple of nights ago.

"It would help if you said why you want to keep doing these sessions - you never explained when you left."

"You sound like you want to stop them."

"No - but why do you do it, Nocturne? Are you trying to stay fit? Convince yourself that you could still be a guard if you wanted to?"

I snorted, "Definitely not that last one!" I hit him in the shoulder playfully, getting an equal blow to the ribs. I gasped painfully, but covered it with a laugh - the longer I left it, the more I thought I'd cracked the rib.

"Excuse me," a low voice hissed, maintaining a dull monotone. I spun around, feeling as if I were being talked to by a snake, only to come face to face with a tall, bony stallion, with a long straight mane that fell like a funeral shroud. His armour suggested that he was the officer in charge of the young soldiers. "My charges seem to think that the pair of you performed a 'death roll' two days ago. I want you to assure them that these rumours are false."

"But they're true," Orion spoke up, "we did."

"Officer Orion," the stallion spoke slowly, drawing out each syllable as he took a step towards Orion, "might I inform you, that due to your duties and responsibilities as a superior officer, you must not play foalish tricks on new guards, and must maintain an outstanding record by not encouraging young mares and stallions to behave dangerously."

I snickered at Orion's supposed authority - having left the guard just before his promotion, I found the rank unsuitable. I remembered the crazy antics we used to get up to - his fellow officers remembered his mature and responsible streak.

Nudging him in the ribs, I murmured, "If he doesn't want them in dangerous situations, maybe they should have signed up for the Day Guard." He didn't turn to face me, but I saw the corner of his mouth twitch in response. No doubt he was recalling the time we trussed the Day Guard soldiers up in bubble wrap and threatened to throw them off the astronomy tower. Princess Luna had refused to punish us until she stopped laughing; she never got back to us with a charge...

"And might I remind you," Orion countered, his lips curling into his signature smile - baring as many fangs as possible, "that as a superior officer, I am fully able to carry out such a manoeuvre. And it wasn't like we were encouraging the pups to do it too!"

The slimy stallion sniffed in that disapproving way, proceeding to glare down his nose at me, "While you may be able to, Officer Orion, I sincerely doubt your companion is qualified. I was never informed that we were giving lessons to the public."

"Ah..." Orion's smile didn't fade as he gestured between the other pony and myself, "this companion would be Nocturne - Nocturne, this is Officer Cadaver. I think you must have withdrawn from the guard a few months before he joined."

I gave a brief nod to the stallion, the grin on my lips curling at the edges into a snarl. With a name like Cadaver, I already knew what his previous employment had been. Unlike Equestrians, we bat ponies are named after the professions of our parents - this way, when living in colonies, you would easily find the pony you needed. Such as in my family, we've been musicians for generations - so my mother Sonata named her two daughters after musical forms; Fantasia and Nocturne. There was no need for a family name, because in a colony you knew everypony already. Whereas Equestria is filled with family names - like the Apples, or the Cakes - with most ponies having two names, instead of the one we're given.

So with a name like Cadaver, I could guess easily what his family had done. After Princess Luna's banishment, most bat ponies returned to their colonies - though some families remained to be employed in certain enterprises, particularly the funeral industry - owing to the Equestrian aversion to death. So Cadaver's family probably lived in Canterlot, for a thousand years or more, running a funeral parlour.

Unfortunately, as you may have guessed, this naming system had fallen down in recent years, as many ponies chose not to follow their parents. If this happens, you're expected to change the names of your next generation to your new profession. So, theoretically, if I ever had foals, they should be named after detective-related themes. Of course, this might lead to a bat pony being called Clue working as a personal assistant to the executive of a toiletries empire - but tradition wasn't about to change any time soon.

"Just because she was once a guard," the kill-joy insisted, "does not mean that she is able to perform such a dangerous stunt; by leaving the Guard, she has retired her skills and training."

"Except that I have continued training," I said indignantly, "and with it I can still do what ever I choose to." I took a step closer, "I'm sorry if our session has overrun a little into normal guard activities - but I've been working all day, and I just want to hit something!" I pressed my snout into his face, smelling the foul odours of sweat and peanut butter - the true signs of an evil pony, "If you want, I could arrange for that 'something' to be you!"

Orion's hoof rested on my shoulder as if to drag me away, but Cadaver butted my head back so that our foreheads were buffeting each other.

"You think you're as good as an actual guard?" he hissed, his voice remaining in a dull monotone, though dripping with enticement.

"I could take you at anything," I hissed back, "except maybe the greasy hair thing - you really take the biscuit at that." I could hear him growl slightly at that comment.

Leaning back suddenly, I ended our initial strutting, leaving him to fall forwards onto his pointy snout; the pups laughed mutinously behind their officer. Dusting himself off angrily, he stomped over to the weapons rack, undoubtedly looking for the most difficult objects.

Orion glanced at me and raised an eyebrow questioningly. I shrugged back, having absolutely no idea how good this stallion was - he could win, I wasn't about to deny it - but I wasn't going to lose without making him regret his words.

I nonchalantly peered at what he had selected, feeling my stomach suddenly plummet to the earth and splatter messily in the dirt.

What he had selected was definitely a difficult weapon, which only the best flyers are even able to consider. Obviously, this might put him at a disadvantage too... but... well, I haven't touched a pair of those since I was in the guard - with both Orion and myself avoiding them on principle. The outcomes had the tendency to become quite grisly.

Holding out a hoof, he offered the object to me with a triumphant grin that could turn corpses in their graves; wing blades.

Trying not to show my fear, I took them - each length of glittering metal - and began to strap them to my wings, fastening the clasps to the spine and leaving the blade to extend from my wing tips. I flexed them carefully, trying to get used to the weight and the altered shape.

The last time these had to be used was in a skirmish we had after the gates of Tatarus were left unlocked - apparently some unicorn forgot to bolt the gate properly after returning Cerberus... So, obviously, the whole of the guard had to go and deal with the problem, only the Day Guard didn't wear the wing blades - apparently they didn't work with their physiology or something. We all declared that they were too much of a big filly's blouse to try.

Not that we had been particularly happy about it either. Each of us had our preferred weapon, with only a select few choosing wing blades. My old friend, Ghoul, had been one of them. I, on the other hoof, never chose them - I was always forced into it. Mainly because I was the best of what was left, and couldn't use anything else very well either.

Looking up, I saw that Cadaver had donned the weapons and was stretching out his wings experimentally - he wasn't used to them either. Curiously, I reached a hoof out to feel the blade - blunt - thankfully, though still painful if you took a hit across the jaw. As well as this, there was the minor problem of staying in the air while your wings are occupied with fighting.

I looked hopefully at Orion, in case he had suddenly thought of a way to get me out of this. A blank shrug and an encouraging hoof-bump later, and I was ready (or at least consigned) to face my beating.

"First to hit the ground?"

"Sure." I spread my leathery appendages fully and took to the air, feeling unbalanced already. They had been designed to be lightweight, and the first designs had been much heavier - nevertheless, they remained feeling unnatural as I hovered, watching my opponent pull himself up to my level. Every ache and pain I had been pretending to ignore suddenly came into full focus.

This could never end well.

Author's Note:

Ooo - so what will happen next week? I know, which spoils the fun for me a bit, but that shouldn't stop you from wondering. Will Nocturne make it out unscathed (unlikely), will Conundrum learn how to conduct an investigation (baring in mind that old habits die hard), and will they discover that the murder was in fact a suicide (because why does it always have to be murder)?

Anyway... feel free to leave any constructive criticism, or something!