Author's Note: I am putting in a bit of a background music system now, (copied shamelessly from a different story) although it is not required.
********* = open this in new tab/window and listen while reading, or switch to this music and stop the previous track.
********* = Stop all music
Enjoy
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The royal guard was tense, the princesses had asked for privacy and it was nearly sundown. None were allowed in the throne room although you did not need to be within the marble walls of that grand hall to hear the argument that had been occurring.
"And you never told me about this why?!" Celestia nearly shouted.
"Because you never thought me worthy of knowing about the Solaris clan!" Luna replied, slightly angry. "I know they were studying advanced light magic, so I decided to create an organization to study the darker arts, something you seem to reject as a good idea."
"It is a bad idea because time and time again allowing ponies to use that magic has proven to be a mistake! Every single one of them has either gone insane, died from a magical mishap, or been turned into some kind of monster!"
"Yes, and I would assume that I fall under the monster category." Luna spat bitterly. "I knew the dangers, and asked for volunteers. Starlight was a blessing on the organization, and one of the first. He already knew a lot about the dark arts and he demonstrated that he could use them to a small degree. He was ages ahead of any of the others at that time, as well as he was ahead of me, which shocked me. I accepted his offer, finding no ill will to Equestria in his heart and made him the head of the Order of the Moon."
"How much else did you do behind my back?" Celestia said. "How much more of your prior activities will come back to bite me in the flank?"
"My prior activities sister?" Luna asked darkly. "How about how many of yours? Was it I who locked Starlight in stone? Was it I who disbanded the study of magic that was appearing more and more often to harm others? Was it I who prevented others from trying to recognize and stop it? WAS IT I WHO LOCKED MY OWN SISTER IN THE MOON AFTER DESTROYING THE ONLY HOPE OF AVOIDING THAT BECAUSE I FEAR DARK MAGIC?!" she yelled, the room itself seeming to grow darker.
*********
Luna's voice echoed through the halls of the castle for a moment or two, the guards just outside of the room cringing at the sheer volume, as well as in fear.
There was a resounding silence after that as thing returned to the way they were before.
Then Luna spoke again. "If we are to survive into the future sister we have to accept that there are things in this world that can harm us, for me it is light magic, for you, dark magic. I devoted the organization to the study and practice of the dark arts in order to understand them. The Order of the Moon is still around, I have spoke with them and they are continuing the original goal, despite a millennium of setbacks due to Starlight's imprisonment and the Solaris Clan. They continued despite the ongoing efforts of the Solaris Clan to destroy them under an order that seemed to be from you, they are my most loyal, and I believe I will be choosing a lunar guard of members from their order, as you have done with yours." Luna said glancing out the window. "I believe it is time to end the day, and allow a new member of the order to begin her training."
"What?!" Celestia said confused.
"You mean you didn't feel it? The pulse of magic that accompanies the real initiation to the order? Starlight just initiated a new member, and I am willing to bet that will be more common now that he is back, for those who are with the order will seek him out now that he's announced his return."
"Then we follow them to him." Celestia said.
"No, I won't do that, I will simply ask him to gather the order and research why I became Nightmare Moon, as well as to re-instate the old ways of the order, they have deviated somewhat over the past millennium." Luna said with a smirk at Celestia's obvious anger at the answer. "Sister I love you but I also have to make sure we are protected, your unwillingness to allow the dark arts to be studied will be your downfall, so allow my order to do what they do best, now that their true leaders have returned. Your order has done well from what I have heard, however there have been incidents of light magic being used for evil as well, you would do well to examine your ranks and weed out the malice within them, as I will do." Luna said as she stepped out onto the balcony, her horn glowing as the moon rose above the horizon.
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The wall torches burned an electric blue in their wrought-iron holders along the circumference of the great room. Deep beneath the librairy the room seemed to eminate an aura of the dark magics that had been preformed within. Starlight and Trixie sat opposite each other on deep blue cushions made of fine silk, trimmed with silver thread as the blue unicorn gazed around the stone chamber. It was incredibly tall, at least four floors could be seen around its circumference as the stairs wound their way up, benches lining the railings so others could learn from what was happening below. Along the walls were countless tomes, records of things that had transpired in that room, the spells, the knowledge gained from each experiment, and the names of those lost. Starlight's Cutie Mark, the symbol that the order had chosen, was carved above every door, and was the design that adorned the floor. Great columns, adorned with pieces of obsidian and lapis lazuli held the roof above them up, preventing the library from descending into the earth. At each floor there were torches set into the pillars, shining their ghostly blue light over the hidden library.
"Now your training begins." Starlight said after a moment more of silence. "In order to use the dark arts, you must find the strands of dark magic around you, then you must be ready for the sheer power. Stand Trixie, First I will show you what you must be ready for."
"Okay..." Trixie said, slightly worried as she stood, the two cushions disappearing as the stones glowed green with the spell circle that formed around the two.
"This will allow you to feel what I do when I access the dark magic, it can drive some crazy if they cannot shut off the flow of the magic, so you will first feel it in this manner." I said.
"Wha?" Trixie exclaimed as she suddenly saw herself from my point of view, frozen in place.
"Your body won't move, but you can still speak. Your senses have been linked with those of my body, that includes your feel of magic." I said. "Now, we begin, follow what I do carefully." I said as I reached out for the magic, the shadowy strands of it appearing to my magical sense as if they were visible. "Do you see them Trixie? Can you feel the power in them?"
"Yes... I can."
"Good, now can you see the brighter strands?" I said.
"Yes, what are they?"
"Light magic, your first time doing this will be important for one simple reason, light and dark repel and once you've accessed one it is near deadly to access the other. They repel each other so viciously that if you link the two you could probably take out a good chunk of the castle in Canterlot. Memorize how the dark and light strands feel, for if you screw up you won't be able to learn dark magic."
"I... I understand." Trixie said.
I gave her a few minutes to memorize the feeling before continuing on. "Next, we access the strands." I said, pulling one of the strands to my horn with magic. The moment they connected power flooded through my body, and the spell circle pulsed, bursting into magical green fire that overpowered the torches. "Can you feel it Trixie? The power to mold the world around you with shadow? The ability to walk through the shadows of the night unseen? The power that can be used to either strike fear into the hearts of the innocent or those that wish to harm them?"
"I can... it's almost too much."
"Which is why I am guiding you this time, until you get used to it. I have had other students delve into things ahead of when they were ready loose their minds, their lives, or morph into demonic forms. A few of those kept their sanity so they were allowed to stay around as guards. The same will happen with light magic if you are not careful. Now, you guide the magic this time." I said as I cut off the flow of magic and allowed Trixie control of my magic.
*********
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Earlier that day...
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Time Keeper was a humble earth pony with an hourglass cutie mark, keeping to himself and his timepiece shop. The small business was one of the most renowned clock shops in the area due to his ability to make clocks that kept near perfect time, as well as his ability to repair clocks that most others could not. He had set up shop in Ponyville to get away from Fillydelphia's hustle and bustle, as well as to replace a member of the order of the moon who had passed away.
He was just repairing a small black clock, about the size of two stacked apples, when he heard the jangle of the chimes above his door.
"Hello, welcome, how may I... Ah, Shade, Your clock is almost done." He said smiling.
"Did you feel it?" Shade asked excitedly.
"Feel what? I've been fixing clocks all afternoon and you know I am all but oblivious to anything but those door chimes." Time said, slightly irritated at having to remind his friend of that fact again.
"Moments ago... there was a pulse from east of the town just moments ago... It felt like old magic of the order..." Shade said.
"What?" Time said. "How? only a few of us know that magic, fewer can actually use it... This merits investigation."
"I thought so too... we well check it out tonight. Hopefully none of the solars felt that."
Time put down the small screwdriver he was working with, smiling. "Screw em and finding it tonight. Let's go find the source of that pulse." he said hanging a closed sign over the door and stepping out. He turned and they walked past the neighboring store, BonBon's Candy Emporium.
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Next door
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"Lyra, did you feel that?" a cream colored earth pony said, perking up behind the register at her candy shop.
"I think I did Bon... Think we should close up shop and investigate?" The mint colored unicorn said, sitting up from her slouched position.
"It's probably nothing... that felt like something negligible, probably Twilight screwing around with magic and spike interrupting again."
"Yeah, probably... still, do you think we should check it out? I mean, we are the only members of Solaris in the area..."
"True, but the elements of harmony are around, I'm sure if anything goes wrong they can handle it. Besides, you can see Canterlot from here, if it's anything we or the elements can't handle I'm sure Celestia would be here in a flash."
"Yeah, good point. Hmm, there goes Time and Shade, wonder what they're up to..."
"Who cares, those two airheads are never involved in anything important."
"Yeah, they barely do anything aside from tending their shops at all." Lyra said and both started laughing.
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Author's Note: There ya go fillies and gentlecolts, the next chapter. Sorry if I missed anything in the editing. Also, let me know what you thought of the music system, as well as suggestions for background music if you think a song doesn't fit.
Ciao and thanks for reading.
memberfiles.freewebs.com/35/70/36777035/photos/NewComers/bison.PNG
LOL
I see necromancy in the future...
26173
Have twenty cupkakes for making me LOL
26188
We shall see.
I apologize in advance for my brutal honesty, but I feel it is necessary and hope that this could help your writing.
This story has potential, but it needs a lot of work. Primarily the formatting made it very difficult to read. By the time I got to the last two chapters, I basically stopped reading. The constant breaks and changes from third to first-person made it so disconnected, the chapters just fell apart. Writing in the first-person can be very challenging; I've tried it once before and the story didn't pan out. I'd strongly suggest sticking to either third- or first-person view and stay with it throughout the story. I'd also suggest you consider leaving links to musical inspirations out of the story or at least tuck them in with the author's notes. They are a distraction and breaks the flow of the story.
The capitalization is also a big issue. Seeing some of your comments, I know you recognize this as an area that needs improvement; however, spending years of chatting on instant messengers, in my opinion, is no excuse for what I'd call laziness. It is far easier to get into the habit of using proper capitalization while you write instead of going back and manually fixing every error.
If you can, consider adding some filler in between dialogue-heavy scenes. Show us more of the scene. We are in the royal garden: give us some more details. Describe the weather; the smells; the texture. When a character speaks, give us some internal thoughts and feelings. I don't mean internal dialogue, but show us what this character is feeling. Does the object/person/place they are interacting with make them feel a certain way? Does it remind them of anything from their past or present situation? Breathe more life into these characters, even the minor ones.
I sincerely hope you don't take this as negativity. You have some good potential here and I hope my observations can help you with your future writing. If want to do some serious improving of your writing skills, check out your favorite author (of physical novels, not online self-publications), study their writing style and their formatting and pick up some great tips from there, or join in a writing workshop class. Keep on practicing and your stories will become more enjoyable.
Best of luck!
PS:
Also consider minimizing the use of the " . . . " It feels very overused. A simple period would work far better in many of those instances. Plus the scene where he shouted: "I. AM. FREE!"; consider showing us how he shouted outside of the quotation marks.
For example:
"I am free!" he bellowed, pausing between words. His voice echoed through the forest; the nocturnal creatures fled in terror from his thundering roar. His mad cackling intensified as he relished his new found freedom.
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&
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Thanks for the tips, I have been working on the whole capitalization thing, and I'm going to go back through those first few chapters and fix them for that at some point. I used to RP a fair bit and we had no one on the forum I ran to keep that kind of stuff in check, so the laziness on that stemmed from the forum chat and posting.
The POV switches are there for a reason, while the main story may be about Starlight and co. (there will be more joining them), I want to show how there is more going on than just simply him hiding from the royal sisters, plus it gives me a good way to do some exposition outside of having starlight explain everything. I dislike having one character hold all the cards of knowledge, not to mention a verbal war between the two princesses is fun to write.
As for the music, it was just something I was trying out, I mainly listed what I was listening to when I wrote the different parts of the chapter. I don't think I'll continue with it unless there is an overwhelming demand for it, since it is a little tedious to do.
Lastly, in regards to my use of the whole ... thing, I never really noticed that.
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I was inspired to rewrite the prelude using my writing style. I wanted to show you once I finished and I ask for permission to post it on here, linking it and crediting you for the original story.
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go right ahead my friend, i'll be honest, the first two were just me trying to break some creator's block so It was more just jotting down whatever came to mind, after that I started trying.
26890
Cool; I'll let you know once I finish it. The first chapter is something you really want to shine and hook in your audience.
i loved it this isnow a momentus occasion cause for once i hope lyra and bon-bon get maimed bured harmed in any way possible or better yet toutured and killed solaris bastards
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I can't wait, also do you have the free time to be a pre-reader? i have none ATM and I think it would help my writing, two heads and all that.
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Hmm... you know I'm not going to give anything away aside from those two are gonna be comic relief for now, later however... we'll see.
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I've got about 1,411 words cranked out so far. I'm up to the part where Luna recoils from the statue. I may have to break for the night and resume tomorrow, however this week is promising very little sleep, so I may take a little longer than expected. We'll see how it goes.
I wouldn't have enough time to pre-read the rest of your chapters. I'm actually needing a pre-reader myself. I had sent in my story to Equestria Daily and I was instructed to head to the Ponychan Training Grounds to polish a few details that I'm still lacking. However I have yet to find anyone willing to point out what works and what doesn't work with my writing. I know I'm still weak in some areas, but so far I can't even get my friends to comment on any of my stories, not even my novels I'm working on. LOL.
Once I'm finished with writing the prologue, you're free to study it and pick out whatever techniques you'd want to add to your writing style. It's basically how I've been teaching myself how to write. I've been studying my favorite sci-fi novels and observing how they write and it has improved my writing by leaps and bounds. I'm still missing a few of the more subtle writing rules I'm not consciously aware of.
It's alright man, I'm in college and I can somewhat sympathize with not having free time. I may have time to pre-read your stuff though, I'm already doing so for Kapwnage (heh, that auto corrects to "Papagena"), although be warned, i don't spot much unless it's rather glaring
It's online now: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2554/SteampunkBrony%E2%80%99s%3A-Night%E2%80%99s-Magic
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It has been linked. Man i wish i could hire ya brony, That blew my mind.
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It was my pleasure. It was really fun to do. (Now I have the old-school Reading Rainbow song stuck in my head. LOL!)
I'm happy you enjoyed it and I hope you can pick out some ideas and techniques from it. I might be tempted to tackle another chapter sometime in the future, but I'd like to see you "make your story shine all over Equestria!" (as Equestria Daily put it).
♫♥I look forward to reading what happens next in your story♥♪
28743
Oh I'm trying but my writing style is a bit scatterbrained... kinda like me. Next chapter is in the works now so we'll see how it goes.
Time and Shade: Knowledge is power
BonBon and Lyra: Ignorance is Bliss.
If Twilight gets hurt in anyway from this...