I awoke in a darkened forest, the sun had set and Luna's moon hung low in the sky above me. I groaned, sitting up in the soft moonlit grass. Around me was nothing but darkness, and trees...lots of trees. I rubbed my head, the pulsing migrane slowly fading from my awareness as I concentrated on where I was. From my brothers discription of Equestria, I concluded that this must be the Everfree forest That Fluttershy had warned Draco about.
There was a breeze that rustled my long shoulder length hair. A breeze? I thought to myself, my pulse quickened as I reached for my face...only to notice that my mask was gone. After the sudden realization that most of my things were gone I did an inventory check.
"M9....check,Combat knife...missing,Spare clips....one, rest are gone,Hidden blades...check,Zakat...gone,WAIT,...GONE?" I Leapt up off the ground. There was no way in hell that that Zakat could be gone, the mask I could deal with, but Zakat...was soul bound to me..., which meant that I had to find him, soon.
Five minuets later...
Okay so I feel really,really stupid. As it turns out after sprinting through the forest like a madman, Zakat, the centuies old ,straight edged, five and a half foot long, black and red katana...was right next to me about five feet away from the spot I woke up in. "If nothing else, at least I still have you, Zakat." I said to the blade as I slid him back into his scabbard,the blade making a ghostly 'shing' as it slid into its home, and locking with a loud 'click'. The blade itself was forged of meteorite steel, engraved with curling smoke like swirls going down the length of the blade,with its razor sharp edge having a dark crimsion color and glow. The handle was a foot and a half long, being the same piece of metal that the blade was, just wrapped in a tattered red silk, tied at the base leaving the tails to flutter in the wind.
So with myself more or less whole, I quickly turned about face, and was about to trudge in the direction of what I believed to be the way out as my eyes caught a quick glimpse of something. It was black and red, and as I swished it back and forth, I realized that it was fluffy, like...the tail to a pony. I let the revelation sink in for a few moments, then my eyes widened and my claws clenched into a fist. "AWW,HELL NO!" I yelled "THERE IS NO WAY I'M A FUCKING PONY!" I seethed in anger. It didn't help that there weren't any mirriors around. I tried to banish the strange feeling from my mind as I trudged down the dark lonsome path in the Everfree forest.
Hours had past, as the moon had risen higher in the sky. One thing was certain as i passed the same tree for the seventh time within the last two hours. I was lost. Draco had told me countless stories of his exhibitions into the Everfree, and of Equestria in general...but, seeing as I was never allowed into Equestria, I had no idea of it's geography. "Aww,fuck..." I muttered under my breath. Apparently, I had wandered in the right direction, because standing in front of me, was a giant bubble of light...like ,A GIANT BUBBLE...curious I walked towards it, knowing that it was blocking the true path through the forest. I got right up next to the ward and proceeded to do the worst thing I could possibly do,...I touched it.
Now,being the prince of darkness that I was, I should have expected to burst into a giant ball of flame, but, that dosen't lessen the pain at all...not even a little bit. I diddn't have any time to put out the flames as my vision darkened and I felt myself tilting, and then, eventually falling back to the ground like a tilting tombstone. Now, being the durable sonofabitch that I was, I never completely passed out, and knowing that the ward was still burning me alive, I couldn't help but feel like I was passing through multiple hells. Eventually I found it hard to stay concious as I lapsed back and from unconcious, to, Oh God,please kill me. Trust me when I say that you do not want to experience that kind of torment.
I eventually began to wonder if I had died and gone to hell again, when, all of a sudden, the burning stopped, the pain, well, lets just say that the phrase 'Fuck My Life' would sum it up pretty well right now.
I opened my eyes slowly to see what had stopped the ward, my vision blurred until my eyes finally came into focus. And slowly, but surley I became aware of the friendliest face I had ever seen in my entire torment filled life as Spyderlok gazed down at me.
"Hi..."I said, trying to greet her, but failing as I came short of nothing more than a croak. Spyderlock the Equinox parallel to fluttershy, shook her head. "Please, don't try to speak right now, your injured..." Spyderlock whipsered. My vision cleared completely and I noticed curling whisps of smoke coming offof my body. I groaned, all the pain surfacing in my voice. God, I hope I wasn't naked.
"What did ya find Spy? It smells delicious!" I heard a familiar tom boyish voice call as I saw Dull Sloth,the Equinox parallel of Rainbow Dash, Rocket through the tree tops and land next to spyderlock no less than five feet away.
"Aw, stop your complaining Dull Sloth. Ya can't go ten minuets without eat'n, can ya?" I heard Rotten Bunch, Applejack's parallel, snap as she whacked through the dark undergrowth with a huge bowie knife clenched in her mouth. She trotted up to the pair, her knife dropping from her mouth as her black and green eyes fell upon my charred body. "Damn, who the hell is this poor sap?" Rotten Bunch asked, her voice softening.
Spyderlock shook her head. "I'm not sure, but he is alive, and, injured..." Spyderlock replied to the undead cowgirl. Dull Sloth sighed,"Damn, there went my dinner" She said dissapointedly. Upon hearing this Rotten Bunch Growled,"Can you shut up about food,or, eating in general...for five minuetes?" She asked venomous sarcasim in her voice.
I laid there on the groun as they discussed my state of health. I'm not going to lie, I was pissed,the smell of burnt fur...that was me, the ash covering me...the charred remained of my robes and clothes, and Zakat had gone silent since I got here. With my thoughts getting more and more dark, so did the forest, my very will concentrating the darkness around me. The darker I got, the more the mares paid attention to me.
"Hey, RB, do you see that?" Dull Sloth asked the alarmed Rotten Bunch as she gripped her knife again. They looked around to see Spyderlock backing away as she turned and ran back into the depths of the forest with a look of distress on her face, the spider like legs lifting her off the ground over the undergrowth.
You know, this didn't start out too badly. I was a bit curious as to who this character was, and there seems to be the makings of an interesting fantasy story.
The problems began when the guy started taking inventory; there are spelling and grammatical errors littered throughout the story. No new paragraphs where there should be (particularly when a new character begins talking), no spaces after commas, and commas where there should be periods to name the big ones.
There's also an issue with pacing. The story feels a bit too rushed. Events occur and characters appear spontaneously with no introduction. Also, the scene in which the guy went searching for his missing Zakat sword went nowhere. It probably would have been better to not include that at all.
However, the biggest issue would be the lack of any coherence. The author's note in the beginning does not help in the slightest. Stating that this is the third book in a series you've written doesn't give us any information, especially since we will never see the first two you wrote. The reader is unaware of the events that preceded this, and nothing is explained. Why does the character touch the glowing ball, knowing that he'd probably burst into flames? He's the prince of darkness? Really? Who are the several characters who come to his rescue? Why does he know them by name? Why does he know the ponies' names? What is the Equinox?
Basically, in order for people to understand what's happening and want to read this story, it needs to be written as though it's the first in the series. Because it essentially is. You can still start the story in the same place, but we need to understand the characters' backgrounds and the events leading up to this. It'd be better to give that information gradually over the course of the whole story, but at least make it clear that the answers will soon be given. Hook the reader, don't lose him.
Review and Overall Opinion
Pros and Cons
I. Pros
1. Good idea
2. Good originality
3. Interesting usage of characters normally not talked about with the exception of Deviant-Art but that is whole other conversation
II. Cons
1. Poor Grammar
Advice
Get a person to review over any errors before posting the next chapter and you should be good to go; Heck I would even be willing to assist you in your endeavor, just message me and send me the final draft of each chapter before posting them to the community