Arrival (edited)
Celestia's sun began to slowly peek over the horizon, pouring its brilliant, golden light over the town of Ponyville as it slowly stirred to life. With yawns, smacking lips, and sleepy steps, the inhabitants left their homes and trotted onto still dew-covered grass and cobblestone. The mouth watering scents from the many restaurants and a few still occupied houses flooded into the streets as many began their breakfast, and the streets themselves were bustling with energy, many greetings passing between those traveling to either get to work or to the market.
In Golden Oaks Library, it was much quieter. Twilight was sitting at her podium, reading a book on advanced magical spells as Spike was sweeping the main room.
Suddenly, Spike’s stomach grumbled something fierce and he burped out a letter with the royal seal engraved on it.
Twilight quickly turned her attention to Spike and asked, "Ooo! A letter from Princess Celestia! What does it say?"
Spike cleared his throat before removing the seal and unfurling the parchment, which still had a lingering smell of smoke. Eyes scanning over the ink written words arrayed before him, he said, "My dearest Twilight Sparkle, I have an urgent task for you and your friends. I have been feeling a strange source of power originating in the Everfree Forest for a few hours now. I would like for you to check out this phenomenon as soon as possible. Sincerely, Princess Celestia." Spike looked up and towards his caretaker. "I'll make sure to watch the library while you're out."
"Thanks, Spike. I'll try to be back as soon as possible."
She ran out and began gathering her friends for whatever could face them in the dreaded, dark, and dank woods.
Half an hour of trotting by all six of them through the Everfree later, Fluttershy's eyes darted around the foreboding, monster-infested forest, filled with the scent of mud and impending doom. "S-s-so.... what are we looking for… ummm… exactly?"
"I'm not sure. Anything that may be putting out an odd energy signal."
"So, what? Are we supposed to just wander around until we find something stranger than usual in here?"
"Well, that's all we really can do, right now, Rainbow," Twilight said, leading the group with her horn alight with an illumination spell.
Rainbow Dash sighed in annoyance.
After a whole hour of walking in the swamp-like ground had passed, Pinkie pointed suddenly to the left and asked, "Would that count as being stranger than normal?"
Each of them attempted to look at what she was pointing at, but before they could get a good look, there was an explosion of sorts, sending all of them flying back a few feet.
After some delayed and rather ear-splitting screams, the slightly dazed ponies all calmed down enough via hyperventilating a storm to get up and cautiously approach the bush. As they peered over it, they spotted a chocolate-brown earth pony with a messy (probably from the explosion) blonde mane with a branch sticking out of it. His cutie mark was two gears touching one another with one of the gears possessing a wrench superimposed over it. He had a pair of saddlebags on his back and he was mumbling something with an annoyed expression on his face as he laid on the ground.
An angry roar took all of their attention from him to a manticore further ahead that had stepped into the clearing without their notice till now. Subconsciously, the six of them walked back slowly and quietly, putting as much distance between themselves, the bush, the beast, and the stallion beyond the bush and between themselves and the beast as they could.
Said stallion said, looking towards the manticore, "Well, that’s unexpected. Guess I really should have listened to him." The pony got up on his hooves, reached into his saddlebag, and pulled out a strange looking piece of metal. He looked at it for a little bit before saying, "Really?" He sighed and threw it aside before widening his stance and pawing at the ground ahead of him as he prepared to fight the monster.
All the eyes of Twilight and her friends widened.
"Is… is he really planning on taking on that… that beast on his own?" Rarity asked.
Her question remained unanswered as they watched the two would be combatants circle one another… right before beginning their bout in earnest.
The manticore lunged at the earth pony, who simply leapt over the creature, making sure to give it a kick to its head as he soared past. Both fighters turned to face one another again. The manticore snarled and bared its teeth.
The earth pony then said with a smirk, "Just like fighting lions… only a much uglier lion."
The manticore lunged again. This time, the earth pony simply stepped out of the way, which caused the manticore to crash through the log he had strategically placed his back against moments earlier.
The manticore turned, slightly dazed, to face the pony again, only to get a pair of hind hooves to the face that sent it on a one way trip to Terra Firma.
The six spectating ponies cringed at the crunch they heard.
The mystery stallion said, "Hmmm… wonder if that’s enough to keep it down?" He had no such luck, as the manticore seemed even angrier as it got up off the ground and did its best to shake itself clean of the dirt caking its fur. "Man! Lady Luck does not like me today!" He paused as he looked off towards the side a little and said, "I’m joking much more than usual." The manticore swatted at the distracted pony with the back of one of its gigantic paws, sending him flying upside-down into a tree. After rebounding off the willow in the question, he landed, head-first, onto the ground. "Okay. Worry about ugly mutant thing now. Worry about joking later."
He stood back on all fours and glared into the eyes of the manticore, who glared back. They charged at the same moment. The chocolate colored stallion slid under the manticore, which tried turning, but its momentum caused it to slide into the tree it had just knocked its pony prey into. The stallion then ran up to the beast and gave it a heavy kick to its gut. The manticore fell to the ground, all the air knocked out of it. The pony then gave it another kick to the head, strong enough to cause the manticore’s cranium to bounce off the tree behind it, sending the manticore into the realm of the night princess.
The pony gave a heavy sigh as he wiped some of the mud from his chin. He then removed the branch from his mane and smoothed the hair there out a little. "Good. Now I can think of my next course of action."
But, he didn't have much time to think. Rainbow Dash flew over the bush and practically screamed, "That was awesome!" This startled the pony, causing him to give out a small yelp and jump slightly. The others all climbed over the bush after her. "That was so cool how you were able to take on that manticore all by yourself! It was one of the most amazing things I’ve seen! Almost as cool as me, though, just missing the mark by about twenty percent there."
The stallion looked at the manticore and simply said, "So that's what it's called. Interesting." He then turned to the group and asked, "Do you mind telling me where I am? Not familiar with these… woods..."
Twilight replied, "You’re in the Everfree forest, one of the most dangerous places in all Equestria. What in the hay are you doing here of all places and how could you not know you were entering it when you did?"
The stallion's face fell slightly as he replied, "I'm traveling around. I just sort of… wandered here."
Suddenly, something in Twilight’s head clicked about the explosion from earlier, and she said, "It looked to me more like you teleported here. But… but… how!? That’s impossible! You're an earth pony, not a unicorn! How did you that!? How did you do that!? How did you--"
“Uhhh… Twi, sugarcube? You’re getting all…”
“Compulsively obsessively crazy?” Rarity suggested.
The eyes of all her friends were on her in a moment. Rarity grimaced. “Well, it is true. Please do desist with the evil eye, please.”
The stallion replied, taking away some much unwanted attention from Rarity, "Well, I'd rather not talk about how it's possible. Or why I'm travelling. In fact, I'm not sure we’re properly introduced yet."
Twilight's eyes widened and after shaking her head, she said, fighting back the embarrassed flush on her face, "Oh! Well, I'm Twilight Sparkle and these are my closest friends: Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack." She pointed to each of the respective ponies as she spoke.
The stallion nodded to each of them with a warm smile.
They all looked at him in anticipation. His eyes suddenly widened in realization and after shaking his own head and likely fighting back his own embarassed blush, he said, "Oh! Well... my name's... uh," he suddenly broke into a coughing fit and turned his head. He looked back and said, "Sorry. Lungs not a fan of all this humidity. Anyways, uh, my name's Sprocket."
They all nodded happily.
Pinkie suddenly gasped, jumping three feet into the air and staying there for a few seconds, which gained a raised eyebrow from Sprocket. When she landed, she was mere inches from his face the next microsecond (despite being more than five feet away before). "You're going to be a new pony in Ponyville, aren't you!?"
Sprocket's eyes darted back and forth as he took a step back, only for Pinkie to stay right in his face, despite the fact she didn’t step forward. "Um, ahem, well, if that’s a town where I can find someplace to rest my head for a bit, then… yes? Cou--"
Before he could ask for personal space, Pinkie began hopping around excitedly. "I need to start planning your welcome party! It'll be sosososomuch fun! Wecanhavecake,andcupcakes,andpunchandgoodiesandbecelebraitngbothyoucomingtoPonyvilleandushavinganewauthorandit'llbethebestpartysofarthisweek! Come on! The sooner we get to Ponyville, the sooner we can throw it!"
Before anypony could respond, she dashed off, leaving a pink dust cloud shaped exactly like her to slowly dissipate in her wake.
Sprocket blinked, confusion evident in his features. "Ummm... has she had too much sugar? Or does she have ADHD? Or is it some combination?"
"That’s just Pinkie being Pinkie,” Twilight said with sigh. “She’s always been very… energetic."
Sprocket gave an unsure nod. "Very well. And, ummm... what was that about a party?"
The group started walking in the direction Pinkie had dashed towards as Twilight explained, "She always throws a party for anypony that’s new to Ponyville. She has a talent for that sort of thing."
Sprocket nodded.
Twilight continued, "So… mind telling me what exactly you did before you started traveling? And please, do feel free to be as exact, precise, and as technical… as possible."
Sprocket shrugged as best he could while walking and replied, "I was an inventor and helped to improve technology. I’ve worked with everything from stuff as simple as carts to as complex as computers and beyond and repaired and improved it all."
"Really now?” Applejack chimed in. “Maybe you can help with the carts at Sweet Apple Acres. The wheels keep comin' off."
Sprocket nodded. "Sure. I could do that. You know, I used to work at an apple orchard myself when I was but a wee munchkin."
Applejack smiled at that. "Well, shoot! We could always use an extra set’a hooves 'round the farm."
Sprocket nodded as he thought about that. "That’d be nice. May take me a little bit to get back into the rhythm of the work, but I’d be more than willing to do it."
Applejack beamed and replied, "Well, alright. Seems ya have yerself a job."
Sprocket smiled back. "Great! Oh! Small thing I gotta ask about first if you’ll let me.”
“What?”
“Do you think you could also give me a place to stay, as I am new to town?"
"Well, o’course!” Applejack exclaimed. “We’ve got a spare room."
"Thanks. I appreciate it. Now, what did you say the name of the town was?"
Twilight replied, "Ponyville. It's a nice, peaceful town."
"Sounds ni--"
Applejack chimed in, "’Cept for the occasional attack by timberwolves."
"Oh.” Sprocket said simply. “Well, it can't be that ba--"
Twilight continued, "And the occasional beasts from Tartarus that come out."
"I'm sur--"
Rainbow butted in, "And the fact it borders the Everfree, with so many weird and unbelievably dangerous things living in it."
"Ahuh…” Sprocket said numbly. After a few moments of silence, he added, “Maybe... I should look to live somewhere... else."
Twilight and her friends turned to see Sprocket's eyes had shrunken into pinpricks and were darting around. His body was also visibly shaking.
Twilight coughed and blushed slightly as she replied, "W-w-well, it’s still relatively peaceful."
Sprocket gave her as a level stare. "How, in the name of all that is good, is that considered 'RELATIVELY' peaceful!?"
Twilight didn't have an answer, but Applejack offered, "Easy, partner. 'Cause we're able to handle it all."
Sprocket turned his stare to her and replied, "Even if you were able to handle a being of pure chaos, that still wouldn't make it 'relatively peaceful'."
They all started to chuckle at his remark, causing him to raise an eyebrow. "What?"
Applejack replied, "Well, Ah'm guessin' that from yer travelin' ya didn't hear about when we beat a bein'a pure chaos named Discord."
"Okay… I guess that explains why you're all chuckling now." He turned his attention forwards and noticed some buildings appearing through the claw-like branches of the Everfree. "Is that Ponyville up ahead?"
They all turned to where he was facing.
Twilight replied, "Yes it is."
Sprocket immediately galloped to get out of the horrid forest as fast as he could, the rest of the group following close behind. He slowed only once he actually got into town as he didn't want to get lost on his first day there. The others soon caught up and began leading Sprocket around the cheerful, little berg, pointing out different places of business and various local and personal landmarks and telling a story or two associated with them. The last place they arrived at was one that resembled a gingerbread house and had the familiar scent of baked sweets wafting out from the doors, causing Sprocket’s mouth to water slightly.
Twilight said, "And this is Sugarcube Corner. This is where Pinkie works and lives. Come on."
Sprocket followed, but noticed that the room was pitch black, causing him to pause slightly. "Ummm… the lights aren't on."
"We know.” Twilight said.
“It’s okay,” Rainbow added. “We promise no big, scary monster is gonna jump out and get you, Mr. Scaredy Cat."
Rainbow’s answer caused him to raise an eyebrow and huff in annoyance, but he went in anyways, although, much to his Rainbow Dash induced chagrin, much more cautiously than before.
When he entered, his terrible nerves weren’t helped when he looked back only to realize that the other five were nowhere to be seen. He tensed up, and all of his stored fear was suddenly released by one word and about five dozen other voices.
"SURPRISE!"
Sprocket jumped higher than one would have thought possible give his stature and fell out the door and onto his back after he landed.
Pinkie stuck her head out and chuckled at his prone form. "It seems that really got you, huh?"
"You could say that." He stood up and walked back in and was greeted with the sight of a veritable crowd of other ponies aside from the six he had met in the forest, and worse still, a chuckling Rainbow and smirking Applejack.
He rolled his eyes and said, "Of course. Ponies around these parts always laugh at somepony else's misfortune, huh?"
Rainbow chuckled out, "Well someone’s really jumpy, huh?"
Sprocket gave her a blank stare. "What you call jumpy, I call my reflexes that have been honed to try to keep me alive."
"Sure,” Applejack shrugged. “Whatever ya say, partner." She slapped him on the back with the comment good naturedly.
Sprocket rolled his eyes with a sigh before mingling with the others Pinkie had somehow managed to organize on the shortest of notices at the impromptu party.
Later that night
The party finally came to an end after the last pony, a mint green unicorn he had learned was named ‘Lyra,’ who seemed pleasant (if a bit too focussed on hands and humans and humans with hands), left. After saying her goodbyes for the night to her friends, Applejack lead him to her family’s orchard, the full moon’s ascent having caused a silent peace to descend upon Ponyville that, after the fifteenth or so conga line with loud music playing in the background, Sprocket found a welcome reprieve in. Soon enough, they came upon a long dirt road and he smiled slightly up at the umbral sky as they came upon it. However, as Ponyville’s innumerable thatched roofs were gradually replaced by apple tree after apple tree as they entered Applejack’s home, he was quickly brought back down to earth from the wondrous tapestry of the night when Applejack stopped and turned to him, causing him to stop in turn.
"Uh, yeah?" he asked.
Applejack simply stared him in the eyes for a few moments. Finally, she said, "You were lyin' in the Everfree with some’a what ya said. I wanted ta confront ya alone, in case it was cause a somethin' personal. So... what's yer real name?"
Sprocket whistled. "Wow. You’re the second person I've ever met that can cut through my poker face like that.”
"Now don't ya be goin’ and tryin’ ta change the subject now, ya hear?" she said, her voice and expression leaving no room for argumentation or defiance.
Sprocket's face fell and he and Applejack remained silent for a good short while. Breaking the pregnant pause, he said, "Well, my real name doesn't really matter. Let’s just say... it’s part of a whole life I'm wanting to leave behind and trying to get past. And, I want to leave it and get past it behind because I'm trying to keep from being caught by somepony who wants me dead over an accident."
The size of royal guard shields couldn’t compare to how big Applejack’s eyes got at that. "Are ya sure?"
Sprocket only nodded solemnly.
"Do… do ya wanna talk about it?"
"Maybe later." That was all the answer he gave and his expression showed he really didn't want to talk about it any more.
"Alright." She gave him a sympathetic smile, "I won't push ya."
The two continued on, the scent of apples from the surrounding trees growing ever stronger.
When they got to the house, Applejack gave him a quick introduction to the family. Soon after, they headed off to bed, Applejack showing him to his room. "Well, here's where ya’ll be sleepin'. Try ta get up at sunrise."
It was now Sprocket's eyes’ turn to go wide as saucers. "That early?!"
"Well, considerin' that ya said that ya would need some time ta get use ta gettin' up that early, I decided ta let ya sleep in for a little bit. ‘Least ‘till ya got inta the swing a things."
Sprocket's eyes widened a little more.
"Well, night, sugarcube."
As Applejack left him to soak in the horror of his predicament, Sprocket climbed into the bed and stared at the ceiling for a bit. "Wow. They get up real early for work over here.” He shook his head. “Maybe she's just pulling my leg. Yeah. I'm sure that's it."
He let out a yawn before quickly falling into a dreamless sleep.
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Let me just stop you right there for using one of the worst cliches this fandom has. No better way to have your main character be all mysterious and exotic than have them come from the nearby Location of Doom, and the fandom is sick of it. It's up there with 'Twilight messing up a spell causes X, Y and Z to happen', that's how common it is. Having him be from a different town or city is a much more valid and plausible backstory.
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_macuyhfxur1revv8uo1_400.gif
Oh boy, like THAT'S not so overdone it borders on yawn-inducing. You don't outright state that, you hint that something's not right about him through the course of the story.
Oh, and having your cover image be from GeneralZoi's Pony Creator is NOT doing you any favours. At all. It's seen as a mark of absolute laziness. And the colours don't even go together all that well.
3860926 Well, I would like to thank you for your input. Even if it could have been put a nicer way. I will try to take that into consideration for future stories I do.
3862032
I didn't mean to come across as so harsh, it's just I've seen too many fics that tend to rely so heavily on cliches you don't even need to read them to guess where things are gonna go. The fact that you can at least spell words correctly did give me hope that you would see reason.
3862043 Well, I always listen to what anyone says. It is the only way to truly become better at anything.
3862077
Yay! A sensible newbie! We don't see enough of folks like you.
3862088 In all honesty, I've actually written stories on another site. This is just my first one here.
3862104
You're a newbie here.
3862120 Very true.
Mysterious OC comes out of nowhere and will end up falling in love with one of the mane six...
i.imgur.com/147Ci1g.gif
OK, so I've read the other comments here, and I'm gonna do you a solid, CD. I'll give you a condensed lesson on writing. Let's look at your opening paragraph.
OK, we look at it and what exactly does this paragraph tell us? It says a lot of things, going through many events, moving the plot along. That's all well and good.
However, it ignores some of the most important rules of writing.
1. You need to hook your readers from the very first sentence. This is the most difficult thing to do in writing. Like an exciting race starts with a sharply-shouted "GO!", you have to entice your readers from the very first line. Let's look at your opening sentence:
Hm... that's... well... it's happening, yeah... but it isn't interesting. It isn't eye-catching. You're just stating it matter-of-factly, like you're reading from an instruction booklet.
This is where you can get really creative. One good way of hooking your readers in from the first sentence is to have a character make a statement. That implies the action is already happening, the wheels are already spinning, the pen is already pushing against the paper, and the story is ALREADY happening. So why don't we move the last sentence of this paragraph to the first sentence instead?
And your readers will look at this first sentence and ask, "What does WHAT say?" It will make them somewhat curious about what's going to happen. It will keep them interested. And that's what you want.
Leading us to point 2.
2. When establishing the scene, be sure to frame it in ways that appeal to the reader's senses. You breeze through the scene without really setting it up. This is a big no-no when trying to suck your readers into the world you're presenting to them. When you're going over your scenes, be sure to ask yourself questions like:
"Is it warm or cold here right now? And if either, HOW and IN WHAT WAY is it warm/cold?"
"What can I smell from here? If we're near Sugarcube Corner, we could probably smell sweets being baked..."
"What can I hear? The distant murmur of ponies going about their businesses? The chirping of birds in conversations?"
"What's going on in this scene? What kind of emotions, character interactions, or situation can I build in this scene?"
You see what I'm doing with those questions? These are ways you can pull your reader in: by tapping into their senses. What does the reader get to see from here? Smell from here? Feel from here? You might need to appeal to every sense, every time, but it helps to cover as many at once as possible.
In short, be sure to write these scenes as if you've been there yourself.
The fourth question, though, is the most serious. If your first sentence is to hook a reader, then the following paragraph ought to build into it. It ought to deepen the mystery behind the opening sentence. It ought to hook them even further.
So let's take all those elements I just described and re-write the paragraph a little more.
3. Show, don't tell. When you blazed through the paragraph, you didn't establish anything without saying, basically, that it happened. Telling the reader it's a nice day outside doesn't pull them into that nice day. It does not prove to your readers it is a nice day. Instead, simply showing the readers WHY it's a nice day outside will spark their interest.
Think of it this way. If you can't give us proof, then it ain't the truth.
That leads us to point four.
4. Writing devices are your tools. To describe something, you need something you can compare it to. From here, you can use stuff like metaphors....
...hyperbole...
...anthropomorphism...
..or if you're feeling cheeky, some alliteration or puns.
In short, writing devices are tools. They are to you what a hammer and nails are to carpenters. They are to you how jackhammers and cranes are to construction workers. They help you build the very world you're trying to present your readers with. So use them!
5. Know when to separate your paragraphs. Finally, this is where I sensed many issues with this paragraph. I can't tell where one idea or action begins and where another ends.
A paragraph should encompass only ONE idea or action. Then, when the action shifts, it becomes another paragraph. Paragraphs are meant to steer the story into a certain direction little by little -- only rarely all at once (Thanks to a handy-dandy trope called "The Wham Line").
So if you were to have Twilight open the story with her question, that single sentence would be its own paragraph. Single-sentence paragraphs should be used sparingly, as they help emphasize the sentence itself.
After Twilight asks her question, we "pan out" a bit, and the mystery deepens as Spike opens the letter.
And after THAT paragraph, Spike and Twilight read it.
And after THAT paragraph... and after THAT paragraph...
See where I'm going?
And that concludes this condensed lesson. If you've read it this far, I hope it helps you become a stronger author.
3862962 Thanks a lot. Well, I'm going to edit this chapter tomorrow and try to make the other chapters the same way. Again, thank you.
don't take hard i thought did take two stories down because of grammar because the commented only on the grammar and not the story itself keep at it
3864909 I know I can always improve and I love constructive criticism. Constructive criticism is the only way to improve. I also enjoy those that just enjoy the story.