Chapter 1: Fort Safeguard
“Open the gate!” ordered a pony officer. Down a long, stone road leading to the fort was a large cart half full of eager little colts, bouncing in their seats and half sleeping little ponies.
“Ok Colt Scouts! Welcome to Fort Safeguard!” said a brown stallion, while waving his right foreleg introducing the inside of the fort. The inside of the fort was full of fully armored pony soldiers, pegasai flying over the fort and unicorn archers doing target practice. Stone walls tower over the cart while it heads to a parking spot designated “Field Trip Parking Spot”.
“Whoa!” exclaimed a little, purple colt. “Hey Miracle wake up we’re here.”
A tiny, pink filly unicorn looked up. “Hm? Where are we again, Sparrow?”
“The fort, remember?” asked Sparrow.
Miracle slowly lifted her head and looked around, “Oh yeah.”
The brown stallion stood up and jumped off the gradually slowing cart. “Ok Colt Rangers let’s get out of the cart and line up!” he said as if he was a drill sergeant, but with a sort of cheery ring to it. Some of the young ponies woke up at that point and the others were already lined up.
Three young fillies energetically jumped off the cart after everypony else already did.
“Scootaloo slow down!” yelled a little white unicorn.
“Yeah Scoots Ya need to calm down we’re already in the fort!” said a little yellow filly.
“Me? Slow down? Who do you think I am?” questioned the orange pegasus who’s nearly with the rest of the group.
“Ok little fillies, just line up .” ordered the brown stallion.
“Ok Mr. Hay.” said the three fillies in unison. The three fillies lined up with rest of next to Miracle and Sparrow.
Mr. Hay was talking to the officer that ordered the gate to open. “Hello Mr. Hay, I assume these are your Colt Rangers.”
“Why yes, yes they are.” replied Mr. Hay.
“The commander will be here to start the tour in a few minutes.” said the officer.
“I’m so glad we got to come on this field trip.” exclaimed Scootaloo.
“Yeah Ah think we’ll get our cutie marks for sure.” said Applebloom.
“Yea- uh how exactly are we going to get our cutie marks?” asked Sweetie Belle.
“Well….by…uhh…maybe” Scootaloo pondered for a moment.
“What about touring?” Applebloom asked.
Sweetie Belle immediately came back and asked “What would a cutie mark of a pony touring look like?” Their conversation was interrupted by Miracle.
“What about a pony taking a picture?”
Sparrow answered “That could be misinterpreted as a pony who is photographer.”
“Oh sorry, I didn't mean to butt in.” apologized the little unicorn.
“Oh don’t worry that conversation was really going down, Oh and my name is Sweetie Belle, What’s yours?” asked Sweetie.
“My name is Miracle and this is my brother.” said Miracle, pointing to the purple colt.
“Name’s Sparrow, Pleased to meet ya.” Sparrow replied with a hoof waiting to be bumped by the white unicorn.
Sweetie bumped his hoof and said “These are my friends Applebloom, and Scootaloo.”
“Hiya!” exclaimed Applebloom.
“Nice to meet you.” said Scootaloo.
“I thought I was the only filly here.” said Miracle
“We thought we were the only three.” said Scootaloo
“So I’m guessing you three are here to get your cutie marks.” said Sparrow with a smirk.
“How did you know?” asked Applebloom.
Sweetie face-hoofed “We just had a conversation on how we’re going to get out cutie marks here.”
Appleblooms face began to blush “Oh yeah.”
Mr. Hay was talking to the officer when a blue pegasus in iron clad amour landed in between him and the group of young ponies.
“You must be the Colt Rangers, even having a few fillies in the group, now that’s what I call diversity.” said the blue pegasus whilst taking off his helmet.
Miracle thought to herself “That pony’s more armored than the guards back at Canterlot.”
“Welcome to Fort Safeguard. I am its commander, SkyJak, and the commander of the newly formed Equestrian Military.”
His armor didn’t show his flank so none of the CMC could see his cutie mark. “I wonder what his cutie mark is.” thought Scootaloo.
SkyJak said to Mr. Hay “You must be the instructor of this little group.” SkyJak let his hoof sit in the air waiting to be shook.
“Uh...oh of course, yes, the name’s Mr. Hay. Nice to meet you Commander.” said Mr. Hay said shaking the large stallions hoof.
“So I think we should get this tour started, what do y’all think?” asked SkyJak.
“YEEAAHH!!” shouted the fillies and colts.
“Ok then follow me everypony.” SkyJak said in an energetic tone. The Colt Rangers didn’t know this but today was a big day for the pegasus commander. The group followed SkyJak to a semi-large gate that led to the training area. SkyJak pushed open the wooden door and led the group behind a wooden rail marked as the “Tour Group Spectating Area”. This little area had enough room for the young ponies to walk around and look at the soldiers throw javelins and slash at training dummies.
“Ok you can look around but don’t go outside the railing.” said SkyJak.
Scootaloo stared at the flank area of the armor that SkyJak was wearing and was imagining what his cutie mark was. “Maybe it is a sword, or a mace smashing something, ooh or maybe it’s a shield with two swords crossing behind it.” She had to know. She waited until SkyJak stopped answering the young colts’ questions.
She shuffled her way to SkyJak and said “Hi commander I’m Scootaloo and I wanted to ask you something.”
SkyJak replied “That seems to be a lot today, okay go ahead.” Scootaloo was about to ask when Sweetie and Applebloom zipped right next to her, knowing what she was about to ask.
“Anyway I, well, we wanted to know what your cutie mark is.” said Scootaloo with a big smile on her face.
SkyJak stared at them puzzled, until he looked at their flanks “Oh I get it now they’re looking for that special something.” SkyJak thought to himself.
“Well ok, my cutie mark isn’t what you’d expect of a pony like me to have. My cutie mark is a magnifying glass looking into a book.” The three fillies looked at the stallion with confused faces.
“So what’s your special talent?” asked Applebloom
“Well it’s not fighting but I’ve been trained well, anyway I can ‘read’ ponies and remember them. That’s the reason that the Princesses gave me this position and the training I needed.”
The fillies had a dumbfounded look on their faces. “The Princesses gave you this job?” asked Sweetie Belle.
“Yes but I’ll explain that to you later.” SkyJak replied.
An earth pony soldier ran to SkyJak “Commander, they have arrived.” said the soldier.
“Perfect." SkyJak turned to the group."It looks like y'all chose the perfect time to visit.”
“Why?” asked a young colt.
SkyJak turned to the group and said “You all get to meet a The Elements.”
The description looked a little promising, what with you having your tags and art sourcing in order, but the story (or rather, its formatting) falls apart quickly, because you forgot to put space inbetween each of your paragraphs. If you'd like I'd be more than happy to go through and edit this or whatever.
I like this! It looks interesting, and I will be watching this.
Most new stories on FimFiction have grammatical errors in them, but this one is one of the most grammatically correct I have seen so far. Just remember: start a new paragraph when the speaker changes.
Good job! I hope you continue with this.
3825001
I would like that very much but I don't know how'd that work (I'm pretty new at this) so if you can tell me how I'd be happy to have you edit it.
3825497
Well, I could always just copy/paste this chapter into a program, and then edit and send it back to you through a PM. Sound good?
If it does, is there anything in particular you'd like done? Or, would you rather I just edit as needed?
First off, only use a tag if the genre / idea it corresponds to is a MAJOR theme in the story. Just because there's death doesn't make your story a "sad" story. There are lots of stories out there with death in them that aren't meant to be sad. Same goes for romance. When people look up "Romance", they want a story that is primarily about a romance or heavily features it... like, for example, it would be present in every chapter to some degree. If it's not, then don't add the tag. Just to help you out, since from the opening of this story I can tell it's more about adventure (which isn't even a tag :o) than sadness, darkness, or romance.
As for the story itself, here are some tips:
- Space out every paragraph from the last (paragraphs can be as short as just a word, by the way!) This includes spacing out EVERY time a new character speaks. This makes it easier for the reader to stay focused.
- "Colt Rangers" would sound better as "Foal Rangers" if there are female members in it. Foal means any young pony; colt just means young males.
- Less dialog and more exposition. I realize that while writing you can see everything in your head, buuuuut the rest of us sadly can't :P (not yet, anyway... one day dammit!). Try to put more detail into explaining the settings, the characters, their expressions, and exactly what's going on in a scene. This will be especially true during action scenes since, well, without any real ACTION, it's not very interesting, is it?
- I'm hesitant to recommend continuing with your pony self as a main character (I assume that would be SkyJak?). The problem with that is that writers like to make themselves perfect (if you're ever heard of a "Gary Stu", that's what I'm referring to) and nobody likes perfect characters. There's nothing interesting about somebody who's perfect; the drama in a story arises from how characters deal with their shortcomings, and how they just their few strengths to overcome their problems. But as long as your OC isn't Jesus Christ, there's no problem :P
- This isn't an issue yet, but it could potentially be one: make sure the Changeling war starts or is brought up as soon as possible. That's the driving force behind why someone would want to pick up and read this story, and if after five chapters it's just the fillies touring the fort, well, they're going to get kinda bored, yeah? Imagine the Hunger Games where no actual Hunger Games are mentioned after fifty pages... boring, yeah? That doesn't necessarily mean you need a bunch of crazy action in the next chapter, but slowly spoon in some of it so that the reader states interested (note that action doesn't mean just fighting; it can mean romance, or friendship issues, or rivalries, etc... any scene where two characters conflict or one character conflicts with themself on something is action).
Other than that, good first chapter. Things move along nicely :) I'll give this a watch, keep it up!
3825549
I'll let you do that and I don't think there's anything in particular so just change what you see fit.