Making Money

by Recamen

Inauguration Day

Most stories are about what we see.

The problem is always obvious: Save the kingdom, or stop the evil Whatchamacallit, or travel through time like it’s an interstate freeway. These problems, though seemingly impossible, are always solved one way or another. Sometimes it’s through one’s own skills and abilities. Sometimes it’s through the Sleet-Slinging Ice Orb of Doom or other assorted magical artifacts. Sometimes, naturally, it’s done with the gag-inducing “magic of friendship”.

Across the universe, located some light years north of the Horsehead Nebula, lies a small planet full of tiny, multicolored horses. It is, of course, inhabited by numerous other beings both fantastic and mundane to us, but the horses are what matter most. These horses, called “ponies”, tend to solve the aforementioned problems with the aforementioned “magic of friendship”. This is widely regarded as a bad move by most other races on the planet, but due to the intergalactic ratings and subsequent interstellar trade benefits this brings everyone keeps silent on the matter.

Fame and fortune aside, friendship has proven itself time and again in the ponies’ trials. Six in particular – one of whom recently and nonviolently overthrew a small-town democracy and established herself as “Princess” – have performed most admirably, saving their land of Equestria time and again. Crazy moon mare alien invasion? Deftly handled. Resurrected God of Chaos with a fetish for the color gray? Easily managed. Some evil pony emperor returned from the gap between dimensions? No problem.

The thing these three villains have in common is that they are all completely obvious problems. In Equestria, the best and most effective way to get rid of an obvious problem is to shoot deadly rainbow lasers at it. This is how the six ponies – or “Mane Six” as they’re popularly called – rose to the top.

There are no deadly rainbow lasers in this story, as the problem here is much more… nebulous.

--------

A tan-coated mare wearing glasses looked out over the town of Ponyville.

Today was a special day. Anypony and everypony throughout the small town of Ponyville showed up for the occasion – earth ponies, unicorns, and pegasi of all shapes, colors, and, in the case of the enormous and burly white pegasus, Attila the Horse, sizes. Even the recolors of the denizens of Ponyville could be seen in the crowd, underlining the importance of this historic day. Tan Lyras and gray Bonbons abounded. An astute observer might spot a green Screwball hanging out in between a dark red Cheerilee and a green-haired Carrot Top.

Seeing all these ponies out in force on a day like this just made Mayor Mare all the more annoyed.

I just don’t understand, she thought to herself as she looked out over the mass of ponies. They voted to keep me as mayor for the past seven years, and now they’re only too glad to get rid of me. What makes them think that Twilight Sparkle will outdo me so easily? She double-checked her white collar for the fifteenth time to make sure that it was straight. What makes them think that a Princess is automatically so much better suited for the job than an experienced Mayor?

She glanced sideways at her upcoming replacement to rule Ponyville. It wasn’t that she lacked respect for Twilight Sparkle. Twilight was a magical genius. She was highly intelligent, warm, logical, understanding, and as good a pony as you’ll ever find. She was also the only known pony in the last three hundred years to actually ascend to Alicornhood. If you asked for somepony, anypony to replace Mayor Mare on the spot, her first choice would without a doubt be Twilight.

It’s just that here comes Her Royal Highness, and all of a sudden everypony trips over one another to grovel at her feet! And worse, they insist that “A Princess must have a domain”! Do they really? I wouldn’t call Ponyville a kingdom in the slightest…

All these thoughts crossed her mind as she smiled falsely at Twilight, who seemed rather abashed at the proceedings.

At least I won’t need to clean up after Twilight and her friends anymore. But it’s still hard, she mentally added as she turned back to the crowd. She sighed. I just hope she’s prepared for what she’s going to receive.

Mayor Mare waved out over the crowd and tapped a microphone, signaling for the crowd to be silent. After waiting a moment for the crowd to settle down and another moment for Ditzy Doo to do the same (“I WAS TOLD THERE’D BE MUFFINS!”), she cleared her throat.

And at least I’ll get to go out doing what I love most: giving expositional speeches!

“Welcome, everypony,” Mayor Mare began, waving a hoof expansively to the crowd and tweaking her seemingly gray mane in the process, “To the first ever Ponyville Princess Inauguration!” She paused a moment, basking in the cheers of the crowd, enjoying the thrill of the moment. It would be, after all, her last chance to do so.

“We have been privileged… neigh, blessed,” she continued once the crowd settled down, “To have such an excellent and admirable pony as the alicorn at my side. She is a true example of what everypony here can aspire to become, if they apply themselves and reach their true potential! That’s right, everypony… our new Princess started out as a humble librarian, a commoner like you and me. But through her incredible magical aptitude, her use of cool logic when others were time and again in grave peril, and her stalwart friends forever at her side—“ She paused to wave a congratulatory hoof at Twilight’s six friends, five additional ponies and one small dragon—“I may now reintroduce you all to her as Her Royal Highness… Princess Twilight Sparkle the Twenty-Second!”

The five ponies – viewers of these ponies across the galaxy will know them as Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity – and the lone dragon (viewers will know him as Spike) all exclaimed variants of “Huh!?” as the crowd cheered wildly.

“Twilight Sparkle the Twenty-Second?” Applejack mouthed to her friends. None of them heard what she said, of course, but they understood the gist of it.

“Oh, great,” Spike grumbled, face palming with a scaly claw. “I told her not to read that stupid Princesses of Equestria book!”

Princess Twilight Sparkle XXII took her cue and walked as regally as she could to take Mayor Mare’s place at the podium. She actually managed this fairly well, having practiced and rehearsed beforehand time and time again until even the rhythm of her breathing would have made any underfoot peasant tremble.

“Thank you, everypony,” Twilight Sparkle began. Hers was not a majestic voice, yet it nevertheless endeared the audience through sheer warmth and sincere gratitude. “I am honored to stand here before you all today. It was only three years ago that I first settled in this town, hardly knowing what I was about to get myself into. I’ve met all kinds of wonderful ponies here. I can’t imagine what my life would be like without meeting you.”

She paused for a moment. Mayor Mare nodded. She’s making an excellent speech. I really like the pause there. It really lets the crowd lap it up.

“…To be honest… I don’t think I deserve this.”

Most ponies gasped, Mayor Mare included. For a moment, the ex-mayor felt a surge of hope. Is she going to turn it down? Will she let me have it back?

“I was just another pony before. No, don’t deny it,” she added with a smile at her friends below, all engaged in making denial faces. “I always looked up to the Princesses. I never expected to actually *become* one. I never expected I’d have to learn how to fly… or how to lead an entire town.”

Is she really going to? Mayor Mare smiled excitedly. Here it comes…!

“Which is why I…”

Yes?

“Princess Twilight Sparkle XXII…”

YES!?

“…do humbly accept this great responsibility of governing Ponyville.”

“OH, COME ON!”

The crowd all paused silently for a moment and eerily turned as one to a surprisingly irate Mayor Mare, her front hooves pointing in opposite directions. Mare recognized this two seconds later, turning her glare into a sheepish grin as she brilliantly ad-libbed, “Oh… come on! We… we all know she’ll do a fantastic job! Isn’t that right, everypony?”

The crowd immediately went back to cheering wildly again.

Although up to this point, it may appear that Mayor Mare is a selfish, mane-dying, greedy liar of a politician, this was simply not true. Mayor Mare is a selfish, mane-dying, greedy liar of a competent politican. There is a difference. It became apparent now as Mayor Mare looked out over her constituency cheering, rolling around in the grass, waving hooves in the air like wacky waving inflatable hoof flailing tubeponies. They may just be simple ponies from Ponyville, but they were her simple ponies from Ponyville. She needed to warn them. She needed to warn Twilight. Though she had already done so several times before, none seemed to listen or understand the gravity of the catastrophe that was about to befall Ponyville.

So she did what all great politicians do in a time of crisis or election: Point out the flaws of her opponent.

“Yes, indeed,” Mayor Mare began, walking back up to the podium until she stood alongside Twilight. “Twilight is a fantastic organizer. She will treat all of you with compassion and respect. There is no better pony to replace me now. She was there for us when the Parasprite swarms ravaged our houses and ate them to the ground. She was there for us when Spike the dragon terrorized Ponyville, crushed our clock tower, and ruined our water supply. She was there for us during the great Rabbit Famine when a horde of mad, raving bunnies devoured all our crops and left us to die of starvation!”

Most ponies kept on cheering. Looks of trepidation appeared on a few faces, Mayor Mare’s words of warning sinking in. Twilight Sparkle became bashful and nervous, but somehow remained blissfully unaware of where Mayor Mare was going.

“And most importantly,” Mayor Mare’s voice rose to a crescendo for the big finish, “she will be there for us to keep the town comfortably insured AND fiscally afloat!”

“What’s that have to do with anything?” Rainbow Dash asked quizzically as the rest of the town stomped hooves all around her. “It all works out! It always does!

…Doesn’t it?”

--------

Equestria is an ever-growing country, in no small part due to the fertility of its pony population. To the east are the cities of Manehattan, Fillydelphia, and Baltimare. To the south lie the frontier towns of Appleloosa and Dodge Junction. To the west and north stand more cities and, of course, the Crystal Empire. Equestria is slowly running low on good land to build – most of the rest of Equestria is forests, swamps, deserts, and mountains. Yet land remains, if a pony knows where to look.

Some ways to the north of Dodge Junction, at the foothills of the Rambling Rock Ridge, flow two rivers: the Rambling Rock from the North and the Everfree from the West. It is here that we find the city of Bittsburgh, arguably one the most evil places in all of Equestria. This is not to say that it’s an unpleasant place to live – other than occasional Diamond Dog incursions from the Ridge to the northwest, the river delta and nearly forest make for pleasant, scenic views.

It’s just that Bittsburgh is renowned for its financial and insurance industries, neither of which are particularly conducive to such friendship-bearing fruits as generosity or kindness.

Moe Money, CEO of All-encompassing insuranCe both Medical and structural of Equestria (or ACME as many liked to call it), stared out from the top floor of the ACME building. It was the tallest structure in all of Bittsburgh, and also the most foreboding. Dark, evil-looking clouds gathered around the pinnacle of the building, brought there by herds of overworked and underpaid pegasi from the far corners of the stormy seas to the east.

“Hrrrm-num-num-num…” he rubbed his chin thoughtfully as he stared out over his city. His walls. His skyscrapers. His ponies. He was, in a word, wealthy… though he himself never once thought it. What a normal pony might see as an empire, he only saw as dirt.

“Gentlemennn…” He rumbled in a gravelly voice. “Do you think… we are rich?”

The rest of the board, seated around an exquisite mahogany table, exchanged doubtful glances.

“…Sir,” one of the younger members spoke up bravely, “We own all of Bittsburgh under our iron hooves. All of Equestria obeys our rules and schemes by now. Profits have risen over 200% a year. Surely we are plenty rich by now?”

Moe Money sighed. “I wouldn’t expect YOU to understand, Marley Form!”

“But-but that’s not my na—“

Moe held up a hoof, and all was silent. “I have lectured you about this before, Marley, have I not? Hrrm-num-num-num. Gentlemen, have we forgotton why we are here so soon? Let me remind you: It is to get RICH. But we are not yet rich, are we, gentlemen?” He walked up to his seat at the head of the table, his large gray eyes powerfully scanning the table. None of the other ponies at the table were quite sure how he could do it, but the stare alone could move mountains. It was like staring into an infinite brick wall laced with dynamite.

“…No,” he whispered, the sound carrying across the room, “We are not.”

“That’s impossible,” an older, portly colt called from across the table. “We already own market share in Bittsburgh, Baltimare, Fillydelphia… we practically rule the cosmos. Where can we look, if we’re not rich now?”

“Why…” Moe grinned wickedly, and a few nearby skyscrapers trembled. “Ponyville, of course.”

Gasps and exclamations burst throughout the room.

“Impossibru-I mean, impossible!”

“We can’t do that!”

“Not so long as Mayor Mare’s still in charge!”

Marley Form frowned, taking in the frantic debates exploding around him.

“So you’re saying she’s stepped down?” He asked loudly over everypony else.

“PRECISELY.” Moe had only to speak one word, and the entire room lapsed into silence. “Mayor Mare has been forced to abdicate her position as mayor of Ponyville. No more can she thwart our attempts to raise insurance rates thanks to those meddling ‘Mane Six’ ponies, hrrrm-num-num-num. And, gentlemen… it is now Twilight Sparkle who rules Ponyville. Princess Twilight Sparkle.”

“My Goddess…” another colt spoke up. “Ponyville won’t last a week!”

“Precisely, gentlemen. And when it does… we raise the rates a hundredfold!”

This was met with great rousing cheers by nearly everypony involved. They pranced, they cheered, they called, “Rate hike, rate hike! Tra, la, la!” All, that is, save one.

“But, sir…” Marley Form spoke up. “We can’t raise the rates a hundredfold. Ponyville can’t afford to pay those!”

At first, the others shouted him down and cursed his name for daring to stop their plans of financial conquest. They might have even tossed him out of the room, had not Moe Money held up a hoof.

“Marley is right. We cannot.”

“But sir, my name is—“

“BUT,” he thundered, “We know what will bring us just as much MONEY…”

--------

Although Town Hall in the center of Ponyville does serve as a gathering place for celebrations, its primary purpose is to serve as the town archives. Here in the Hall’s musty yet enormous basement is where important documents such as who owns what and general population and tax documents are stored. Here lies the town’s history, kept in newspaper and document, in letter and stamp, in silly New Year’s Eve mascot and old vinyl records storing such old-time town favorites as “Winter Wrap Up” and “Smile, Smile, Smile”.

Much to Princess Twilight Sparkle XXII’s delight, Mayor Mare showed solid organizational skills, keeping each and every type of artifact and item in its proper place.

Much to Princess Twilight Sparkle XXII’s frustration and anger, Mayor Mare tended to sort everything not by letter, or number, but by how much pink lay on each and every form.

“Urrrgh! How is anypony supposed to find anything in this dump!?” she yelled furiously. “She doesn’t sort things in alphabetical order or numerical order or ANY kind of order from what I can tell!”

“She doesn’t clean very often down here, either,” Rarity observed, looking disgusted at all the dust and spider webs strewn about. “I can already see the FIRST thing on my to-do list.”

Applejack poked her head out of a pile of Foal Free Press newspapers. “Sorry, Rarity,” she said, “but first we gotta figure out what Mayor Mare was tryin’ t’ warn us about.”

“She was warning us about something?” Pinkie Pie asked excitedly… but of course, she asked everything excitedly. “Haha, good thing I didn’t know. I would’ve panicked and ran for the hills and never looked back!” She promptly dived headlong into a stack of genealogy scrolls, scattering surprisingly few of them as she swam through the pile like a terrifying papershark.

“Ehhh, I bet she was faking it,” Rainbow Dash piped up, lazily flapping around behind the other ponies. “Come on, she’s just upset that Twilight became more suited to the job than she was.”

Fluttershy had no strong feelings one way or the other on the subject, but remained quiet mostly due to finding an entire wall of cabinets seemingly dedicated to personal injury and property damage. Of particular interest to her was the fact that a number of those reports seemed somehow related, whether directly or indirectly, to herself and her friends. She quietly leafed through paper after paper, recalling all kinds of memories – most happy, some sad, many downright terrifying, some embarrassingly hilarious.

I still can’t figure this one out, she thought to herself, staring at the paper as if willing it to make sense. Thursday, March 19th, 2013. With organization of Twilight Sparkle, wrapped up winter in Ponyville on time. …Twilight received thirteen stitches and a case of Pinkeye?

“So, whatcha got there, Fluttershy?”

“AH!”

Fluttershy, caught completely off-guard by Spike’s nonviolent ambush, jumped and tumbled away from her non-attacker, barrel-rolling end over end until she smacked directly into an entire cabinet dedicated to the great Rabbit Famine of 2011. The cabinet wobbled and might have fallen over onto Fluttershy had not Rainbow Dash swiftly crossed the distance and pushed it back to its original position again.

“Easy there, Fluttershy. What’d you find?”

“Oh. Umm…” Fluttershy grinned sheepishly for a second, then recovered flawlessly. “This entire wall here… I think it’s about us.”

“What? All these cabinets have to do with us? What’d we do?”

“Ah, well…”

“Reading through these, it’s a miracle nopony’s dead,” Spike snarked. “Look at this – ‘Pinkie Pie sneezes and overturns an entire apple trailer; five ponies hospitalized with broken legs’.”

“Poor Octavia was never the same again,” Pinkie lamented sadly.

“And look at this one! …Twilight Sparkle and friends single-hoofedly ruin Canterlot Gala; priceless animal menagerie escapes; castle ballroom uninhabitable for two months; Crown Prince missing and assumed scared.”

“Well! He was a brute, a craven, a wretch, a pompous waste of horn…” Rarity began.

And somepony I really wish I could thank for blowing it, Spike thought to himself. “Oh, and… huh, this one’s odd. Twilight Sparkle learns mustache-growing magic?”

“What’s so bad about that one?” Twilight asked, frowning curiously.

“I know, right? But, it says here that in doing so, you learned how to grow goatees.”

“HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH---!!!” Pinkie Pie extravagantly gasped. “Twilight, you must be STOPPED!”

“I dunno…” Spike said thoughtfully, rubbing his chin. “I might look kinda rugged with a goatee…”

“Stay focused, Spike. We’re clearly close to whatever Mayor Mare tried to warn us about.” Twilight opened one cabinet door and groaned. “If only she’d kept these in some kind of order…”

“Oh, Twilight!” Pinkie called out. “It’s sorted by pink!”

“I… what?”

“Yeah! I noticed it as I went down through the local families. See? Applejack’s family is an entirely pink scroll, marking hers as the most important family in Ponyville – of which I am a proud member,” Pinkie added smugly.

“Pinkie Pie, don’t go rubbin’ it in…” Applejack then walked closer to Pinkie and whispered, “Too much” into her ear.

“Right. And then there are the weather teams, Mr. and Mrs. Cake, the Quills and Sofas colt, Rainbow Dash…”

“How am I less important than the Quills and Sofas colt?” Rainbow snorted.

“Hmmm…” Twilight frowned, seeing what Pinkie was getting at – as she leafed through the assorted disasters and accidents, both their fault and not, she noticed that the more serious the devastation, the more the document seemed to be colored pink. What a strange thing for Mayor Mare to do, she thought. So if I keep following the documents colored pink…

She began moving to her left now, finding the documents off to the left more and more pink. She felt a vague sense of morbid curiosity as she read over the files. “What’s really amazing is that nopony actually died,” she said aloud. “I see at least a few things here that could have been very messy had something gone wrong.”

“Now you know how I feel,” said Fluttershy, who oftentimes jumped at the sound of doors closing.

“I guess what’s also amazing is that despite all that’s happened, the town’s still standing and thriving even today…!”

Twilight paused, scanning over a document almost entirely covered in pink but for two microscopic corners. She froze, staring at it in mounting understanding and horror at her sudden predicament.

I’m responsible for this. I took Princess Celestia’s command that a Princess must have a kingdom and drove out the one pony keeping Ponyville together… and we never once realized it, never once even thought about it… until now. We just saved Equestria or saved Ponyville so many times, we must have never even thought about it. But now that I see the truth staring me in the face…

“Whoa. Twilight… what on earth is THAT!?”

Spike’s outburst drew the other five ponies closer, now reading over Twilight’s shoulder. All felt their mouths drop open in mounting horror… all except Pinkie, who nodded her head every now and again, adding, “Mmm-hmm” and “Makes sense”.

“This, Spike…”

The room suddenly became very dark and sinister around Twilight Sparkle’s dramatic presence. Gusts of wind, channeled by an unknown breeze, swirled eerily around Twilight’s straight mane. Twilight’s eyes glowed pure white, and when her mouth opened to speak it sounded strangely as though not one but two regal ponies spoke in unison:

“IS THE LARGEST TOWN INSURANCE BILL I HAVE EVER SEEN!”