spirit of destruction (?)

by overlordpringerx

the hospital

It was dark. Deep Fear was surrounded by nothing but darkness. No matter where he went he couldnt escape the omnipresent monster. It was under him, above him and on all sides of him. The colt was about to give in when he heard somebody say his name.

"Deep! Don't be afraid. I'm here for you." A female voice could be heard from behind the foal. Deep Fear turned around, only to stare in shock at what he saw: a dark purple crystal-mare with a light-pink fluffy mane was smiling at him, only a few feet away.
"G-Gentle Care?... Your alive?! Thank Celestia! I missed you so much!" Deep Fear exclaimed and ran for the mare. However, before he could reach her something strange happenned: he froze. He suddenly couldn't move a muscle, he could only stare at the mare and witness the terrible thing that followed.
The darkness started to literally envelop Gentle Care.
''Deep! Help!'' The mare cried, but Deep could only watch as Gentle Care got swallowed by the black beast.
Once the mare was sucked in completely Deep was finally able to move again. He would have started to cry but couldnt, as the sceneary changed into the everfree forest.
Everything seemed to be alright. This relieved the colt to some extent, though he had no idea how he got there. Before he could worry about that however, the forest started burning all of a sudden. Deep wanted to escape, but the fire surrounded him. Finding himself surrounded from all sides the colt decided to fly, but when he looked up the head of a terrifying unicorn stallion made out of fire appeared from within the flames.
"Y-you…" Deep Fear started but didn't get to finish his sentence as the head quickly attacked him.
"AAAAH!"

"AAAAH… Huh? good it was just a stupid nightmare. Wait… Where am I?" The colt said to himself, noticing his surroundings.
He was laying on a bed, with the blanket covering his lower body. Right to his left was a window through which he could see that he was in Ponyville. This made him nervous and he turned to his right intending to leave the bed and sneak away before anybody could hurt him. However instead of leaving the bed he yelled in surprise.
"Waah!"
"Finally you're awake. I was starting to worry. How do you feel?" A mare identical to the one from his dream said in a caring tone.
"Huh…? Who are you? Why do you look so much like HER?" Deep Fear asked in a slightly shaky voice.
"Me? I'm Cheerilee, the local elementary teacher. I don't know who you mean by 'her'. And now answer the question I asked earlier. How are you feeling?" Cheerilee replied.
"I… I'm alright. I can go home now. Bye." Deep said, wanting to get out of bed. However as soon as he moved his hind leg he felt a stinging pain trough his entire body.
"AAAH! GOD! THE PAAAIIIN! WHAT THE HAY WAS THAT?!" The colt yelled in pain.
"Oh, dear. It hurts that much? And here I thought after 4 days of sleep the pain would have at least subsided. But, then again, you were being crushed by a tree." The purple pony said
"What?! 4 days?! Then how come you didn't get rid of me yet?! Oh no… You want me to be conscious in order to feel the pain right?! Well to bad because-!" Deep Fear exclaimed, but was cut of in the middle of his sentence as a hoof was placed on his lips.
"Relax. Nobody is gonna hurt you. A few of the ponies in town wanted you to be punished for all the damage, but then we managed to convince them that your injuries were punishment enough." Cheerilee said, still holding her hoof to the foal's mouth.
"But… Aren't you guys afraid that I might do something like that again? Don't you fear the spirit of destruction?" Deep asked.
"Listen here, kid. I make my living of teaching in elementary school. I'm around foals the whole time, so I know when they are lying. And even if it wasn't like that, Zecora has already figured out why you do what do. And you, my little pony, are not a bad colt." The dark purple mare said poking the colts chest gently, smiling.
"Hm… Shut up." Deep replied, not being able to come up with a good way to answer.
"Well, little one. I have some questions. Who are you really? Why are you all alone?" The local teacher asked.
"What? Those are your first questions? Nothing about my wings or my horn or my eyes?" Deep said, honestly surprised.
"That is not as important. You are still a foal and you need someone to take care of you. So… Answer my question." Cheerilee said, or more like she ordered it to him.
"I don't have to answer your questions. And even if I did, you wouldn't believe me." Deep said with a scowl.
"Well, that's true. But there is something you should know. I will be visiting you everyday at the hospital. I'm even gonna sleep here on a chair if the staff allows it. The only time I won't be seeing you will be during my time at work. But then, I'm coming straight back here. And once you fully recover Princess Celestia will be the one to decide what should happen to you. However, if you tell me everything I want to know, I might be able to convince her to be more lenient." Cheerilee said.
"Ugh… And how long am I gonna be here?" Deep asked a little grumpy.
"Well, your injuries were very severe but thankfully we have amazing doctors. The doctor said you would have to stay about 3 weeks." The mare responded.
"WHAT?! Urgh… This is gonna be annoying." The colt mumbled.

Author's Note:

ok guys I wrote this one much better :smilie(''); And remember I hate trolls.

Comments

[overlordpringerx]

3650977 try to read the second chapter. Its way better.

[Lord Sunder]

Better, but you have some issues with telling. Check the link, it's pretty important, then edit the hell out of this to make the description less 'telling'. Oh, and your homophones.

grammarics.com/wp-content/uploads/Oatmeal-Your-vs.-Youre.png

Learn your English homophones, like the difference between 'your' and 'you're', and the differences between 'there' 'they're' and 'their'. Pretty important stuff. Some little things, also. Don't use numbers in text, spell out the name of the number, so '20' becomes 'twenty'. You don't need to capitalise after an ellipse (...), because it's not the start of a new sentence. Oh, and capitalise the first letters of your chapter and story titles, because it looks pretty bad to have it all in lower case. Places like the Everfree Forest are capitalised too, because they have names.

But yeah, better by virtue of having more than just dialogue. Deep Fear really doesn't sound much like a colt though, and the gratuitous capslock of rage is slightly annoying. Use italics to show emphasis, or exclamation marks in combination with 'he shouted' or the like to show volume, because using full caps is really quite ugly. Do ponies believe in a god that Deep Fear would swear on? That's usually a feature of westerners following the Abrahamic god, so... maybe come up with an alternate curse? Oh, and that should be 'nopony', not nobody, because pony dialects. Just some thoughts.

[overlordpringerx]

3651720 Wait a minute. I ALWAYS pay attention when writing 'your' and 'you're' or 'they're', 'there' and 'their'. So that can't be a problem here. And the reason Deep Fear doesn't sound like a colt, is because he wants to keep his 'tough guy' appearance. Once you learn his backstory you will know why. And 'nopony' and a different curse? C'mon don't be a nitpicker. I do appreciate the advice and the link though. And don't worry, there will be more activity than just dialog once Deep Fear gets to move again.

[Lord Sunder]

3651778
'G-Gentle Care?... Your alive?!'

There's one for you. Also, it's the little things like that which make the difference between a fic that feels like it's about ponies and one that doesn't. Little things that can utterly break immersion. Sad, but I find it to be pretty true. As for Deep Fear, just be careful that his 'tough guy' act doesn't make him a completely unlikable protagonist.

[overlordpringerx]

3652006 oops. Well normally i don't do those kind of mistakes. And dont worry about making Deep an unlikeable protagonist. I plan on making him likeable in many ways. Btw do you know anyone who would be willing to do some artwork for the story?

[Lord Sunder]

3652231
Ah, 'fraid not. I'm not really too big on the whole deviantart side of things.