It was a wonderful day in Ponyville. The shun was shining, the sky was clear, and the bell for the final lesson of school finally rang.
"Ok, children, I hope you all have a good weekend, and remember to do your homework." Ms Cheerilee said to her students.
"Nice weekend miss Cheerilee!" Shouted three fillies cheerfully. The cmc were planning on definitely getting their cutie marks today, and nothing would stop them… Or so they thought.
"Ok gals, what are we gonna do this time?" Applebloom asked.
"Well first we have to visit Rainbow Dash." Scootaloo said.
"Not this again." Applebloom sighed.
"Ugh girls… I don't think we're going anywhere today." Sweetie Belle said.
"Why?" Asked Scootaloo.
"Look!" Sweetie Belle pointed at the center of the town, where almost every single building had a hole.
Flying through those holes,and making more of them, was a pitch-black colt with a short withe mane that looked like a hedgehog's spikes. However as they looked closer they could see that this was no ordinary colt. He had bat-wings, fangs that could be seen in his grin,red cat-like eyes, and a tiny horn on his forehead shaped like a hook upwards, kinda like King Sombra's.
"Stop doing this, or we will have to use force to prevent you from damaging Ponyvile even more!" A Pegasus stallion said while pursuing the foal. He had some friends trying to help him, but the colt always managed to escape.
"Force? HAH! Don't make me laugh! I'm the spirit of destruction, Deep Fear! And I'm as strong as you guys, plus I can do this!" The colt suddenly teleported himself behind the stallion and kicked him in the back.
"Ahahahaha! Well, I'm tired anyway. See ya tomorrow suckers!" Deep Fear laughed and flew into the Everfree forest.
The crusaders couldn't do anything except stare, until they finally managed to talk.
"What just happened?" Scootaloo asked.
"I don't know, but I'm glad it's over." Said Sweetie Belle.
"Do you think he would be interested in joining our club?" Apple Bloom asked.
"What?!" The other two crusaders yelled in shock.
"Well, he doesn't have a cutie mark, so I thought he would like to be a member." Apple Bloom said.
"Ehem eh. Ok Apple Bloom. You are my best friend but… Your nuts! That colt alms destroyed half of ponyville! Why would you ever want him to join us?!" Sweetie Belle yelled.
"Well, maybe he had a good reason." Apple Bloom answered.
"Like what?"
"Like ehm. eh…" Apple Bloom couldn't come up with a good answer.
"Thought so. Well, Guess we'll have to come up with new plans to get our cutie marks." Sweetie Belle said.
"Hey, how about we help in repairing the damage?" Scootalo suggested.
"Thats a great idea!" Apple Bloom said.
"So, first we go to Rainbow Dash and-"
"NO!" Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle shouted at the same time.
"Ok, ok… Geez." Scootaloo said.
"Alright! Hey mister! We wanna help repairing Ponyville!" Apple Bloom said to a stallion repairing one of the holes.
"Oh. Well, this might just be a little to much for you kids, but I know where you could help. Go to Fluttershy's cottage.
There you can help." The stallion responded and in no time the girls were at fluttershys cottage.
"Hey Fluttershy!" Apple Bloom greeted the shy pegasus cheerfully.
"Oh. Hello girls. What are you here for?" Fluttershy asked when she saw the crusaders.
"We're here to help you with the damage caused by the colt. What did he do here?" Apple Bloom asked, noticing the cottage was in no way damaged.
"Oh, that little brute. Look, I was planting some flowers in my garden and he suddenly appeared out of nowhere and ripped them apart." Fluttershy complained.
"Well… Shall we start with our duty girls?" The yellow filly said.
"Of course! Let's get this party started!" The other two crusaders answered.
"Good. We only need to fill the holes with these seeds. They're not as pretty as the ones I picked up, but they'll do it. Please do it while I calm down Angel. He got really scared during the attack." Fluttershy said softly and entered her cottage.
It wasn't long before the girls were done and looked at their flanks. Still nothing.
"Well, this isn't something hard to do anyway. We shouldn't have expected to get our cutie marks that easily." Sweetie Belle said.
"Yeah, that's true. What do you wanna try now girls?" Scootaloo asked.
"Actually I have to go home and help my sister with the apples." Apple Bloom said.
"And I have to go to Button's place. We're gonna play a new video game he bought." Sweetie said.
"Well, I guess I'll go home too then. Bye girls." Scootaloo said.
"Bye." The others replied.
*the next day*
It was another beautiful day in Ponyville. All the damage had been repaired. And a certain pink pony was preparing a party for a certain purple pony. No, it's not Twilight! It's Cheerilee. It was the local teacher's birthday, and as always it was Pinkie Pie who arranged everything for the celebration. However suddenly her front hoof punched her face.
"Oh no… Hitting myself… The Everfree forest is going to catch fire!" Pinkie yelled to herself and went to get all of her friends. After she got all of her friends, AND Cheerilee so she wouldn't see the surprise party, the 7 mares entered the forest, which already had smoke coming out of it. They followed the smoke and found the fire, which was fortunately small and near the river. However there were a lot of animals running away and many trees were burned out. In the end though, with the combined help of the pegasi making it rain, the unicorns to make waterfalls they managed to extinguish the fire, and the earth ponies removed some trees that had fallen over during the fire.
Suddenly something caught their attention: A group of squirrels had gathered around an especially thick tree trunk. They were all looking at something.
"I wonder what they're looking at." Pinkie said, and the mares went to look at the sight. What they saw made all of them gasp in shock: The black colt from the day day before wa stuck under that tree. next to him were a dead bird and a bird's nest filled with three eggs. T
he odd thing was, the colt seemed to have PROTECTED the nest and the eggs from being crushed during the fire. He had burning marks all over his body. He made a face of extreme pain and looked like he was about to pass out, which was understandable. After all there was a tree crushing him. In fact the surprising thin was that he was still alive.
"Hey isn't that the colt who went on a rampage yesterday?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Who cares?! We need to take him to a hospital!" Cheerilee shouted.
"I don't know sugar cube. He damaged a lot of my my apple trees and stole some apples. And you know the damage he caused in the rest of Ponyville." Applejack said.
"No, Cheerilee is right. We need to take him to the doctor. He is just a foal after all, no matter how much damage he caused." Fluttershy replied.
"I just hope his statement about being 'the spirit of destruction' is a lie." Twilight said.
The mares took of and just as they were about to exit the forest they met Zecora.
"Well If it isn't my friends here, carrying a foal, whose fur and ways to help are dark as coal." The zebra said.
"Oh, hey Zecora. What do you mean 'ways of help black as oal'?" Twilight asked.
"Oh, you don't know? All he does is to help but his good intentions he doesn't want to show." Zecora answered.
"What do you mean? All he did was cause damage to Ponyville and tear apart my newfound flowers." Fluttershy said.
"New flowers you say? Were those flowers the color of the first light of the day? And did the petals have shape of a ripe grape?" Zecora asked.
"Yes. Why do you ask?"
"Those flowers were filled with poison for your plants. If you had them bloom, they would have killed even the ants." Zecora said.
"Oh my. I had no idea!" Fluttershy 'exclaimed' horrified.
"Well, everything turned out alright darling. Well, Zecora, we would like to talk to you a little more, but we gotta take this colt and this nest somewhere to take care of." Rarity said.
"Oh right! The nest! What shall we do with it?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Oh, don't worry girls. I can take care of those eggs." Fluttershy said.
"Alright. Everything is ok then. Well, bye Zecora!" Twilight said, and the girls went on towards the hospital. They finally arrived and had Deep Fear hospitalized, who had passed out right after having the tree lifted of his body.
Uh
Uh
No offence, but your grammar is just a teeeeeny tiny bit off...
3641682 im spanish
3641705 Ah, so English isn't your first language then, that explains it! I never said it was a problem, and I like the idea of the story!
3641709 thanks
So does being Spanish include an allergy to the shift key as a racial feature? How about basic spelling of words like 'sun'? Use of narrative elements that are not dialogue? Ouch, a negative five on all of those? Doesn't that make Spaniard like a... -2 LA race or something? Do you get extra class levels in Author to balance out this deficit?
In all seriousness, maybe you should have waited until you got better (or gave a shit about the quality of what you were writing) before you posted your story online
Edit: Deleted a double post.
3642245 dude its a fucking fanfic. I accept constructive criticism, but if you ever post a comment like that again i'll block you.
3642292
Yes, it's a fanfic. But that is no excuse for poor quality.
3642292
Here's something a little more constructive then. The problem with structuring your story like this is that it feels like the setting is nonexistent. It's like... at least 90% dialogue, and it feels like the characters are all crammed into a phone booth yelling at each other. It also means that your story moves very fast, and you encounter a serious problem with 'talking head syndrome'. It's like a blank white space with animated busts of the characters chatting merrily to each other with no regard to context or scenery. My recommendation is to space out all the talking with more description, so that the setting and atmosphere are more prominent (read: existent). Oh, and proofread your work, so you don't write 'shun' when you mean 'sun' on the second line of your fanfic.
As a fanfic writer, I take offense to the implication that fanfic is a field that is inherently without quality. You should try harder, or expect to face a lot of crit. Blocking is sort of the equivalent of sticking your head in the sand on that one.
3642312
Have all of my cookies. I hate it when authors trot out this excuse for writing badfic.
3642324 look, i wouldnt have freaked out if you were this formal in the first place. And the reason i posted this here instead of fanfiction.net is to test it. im usually way better than this. I just needed to get it out of my head quickly. If you wait and keep checking out my fic you will notice how both the grammar and the flow of the story increase in quality. Deal?
3642373
Sure, why not. Also, in the future, go with Fanfiction.net for testing fics like this. Odds are, they'll lap it up and beg you for more, regardless of quality, whereas people here are generally a little more discerning about what they like. It's a kind of 'pick your poison' deal, really, because fanfiction.net is essentially a hugbox that will most likely stall your growth as an author, while Fimfiction is likely to include more people like me who are pretty jaded and liable to leave mean comments. We're also likely to call you out when you say 'but I'm spanish!', because last I checked titles are capitalised in Spanish, too.
3642394 As long as you dont start offending me I'm cool with you pointing out the problems with the story. It will help me make it better.
Your story definitely has potential, but one thing that could be improved is the pacing. Things just happened really fast during the course of the first chapter. Try having events occur in a more moderate pace, that way you have time to talk about details or include character development.
3647540 thanks. And dont worry, The next chapter is much slower and better. I already started writing it.
Not off to a great start the first line
"The shun was shining, the sky was clear"
Should be
"The Sun was shining, The sky was clear"
I made it up to the end of the second paragraph and gave up. You need a proof reader or an editor, There are many missed capitals, Punctuation and grammar errors.
The story has potential if you are willing to fix the mistakes.