Chapter Zero
Twilight Sparkle turned the final page of the book she was reading, 'The Trees of Equestria', and yawned. Though midnight had come and gone several hours ago, she had not slept, and she knew she had to go soon to meet Fluttershy.
She glanced at the clock and tried to remember when and why she had volunteered to help feed the critters so early, but her brain was too exhausted to think. In fact, she had not had more than an hour's sleep in over a week, and she was beginning to get worried that it would affect her work. Having unsuccesfully tried both books and magic, she had decided that there was simply no other option: she would have to ask for help. She may have been the smart one and Princess Celestia's personal student, but one of the most important things she had learned was to trust her friends' ability to help.
She looked at the clock again, not remembering what it had said before. Spike won't be up yet, she thought.
Calling out quietly, she hoped her night assistant could hear her.
"Owlowiscious?"
After a moment, the nocturnal bird fluttered into the room and came to perch on the end of her bed, landing with a soft hoot. He tilted his head as if awaiting an instruction.
"I want you to fly to the Everfree Forest and deliver a note to Zecora please."
Using her horn, she quickly but neatly scribbled out a short message on a spare scroll. "But don't wake her: just leave it at her door and she'll find it."
"Who?"
"Zecora."
"Who."
"I said Ze- Oh, right, I forgot. I guess that just shows how tired I am."
Handing the note to the owl, who took hold of it carefully with his beak, Twilight sighed heavily and watched as her assistant flapped out the open window.
I really hope she can help, she thought, yawning.
Rubbing her face with her hoof, she turned to stare at the clock again, glaring as she struggled to remember what the numbers meant.
***
Opening the door just in time, Fluttershy let out a small squeal and jumped back as her blue friend narrowly avoided crashing straight into her. Recovering, she remembered her manners.
"Oh, Rainbow Dash, you're here." She allowed herself a small smile. "I wasn't sure if you would remember to wake up so early."
"Are you kidding me?!"
The other pegasus had picked herself up and was almost exploding with excited energy, despite the early hour.
"The Wonderbolts are holding a one-off dawn show in Cloudsdale, Spitfire herself gave me two tickets for it, and you thought I might be asleep?! Sometimes I think you might be a little crazy Fluttershy!"
The yellow pony giggled. She was secretly very pleased that Rainbow had invited her to go along to the private show. She enjoyed watching the fliers of course, but she really loved spending time with the energetic pegasus, who was never more animated than when talking about flying, which she was bound to do at a Wonderbolt show. There would most likely be a non-stop barrage of commentary, detailing every statistic, fact and piece of trivia imaginable. Fluttershy reckoned she knew more about Spitfire, their captain, than the pony did herself.
"So are ya ready yet? Are ya? Are ya?" Rainbow pranced about a little, her excitement bubbling up in an almost tangible way.
"Not ye-"
"Great! Let's go!"
"Bu-" Too hyper to listen, Rainbow Dash took off and was already zooming out the still open door and flying at top speed through the slowly brightening sky.
Sighing, Fluttershy shook her head and finished her sentence aloud to herself:
"But I have to wait for Twilight to tell her what all the animals need to eat..."
Suddenly she felt a slight nudge on her rear leg. Looking down, she saw a cute white bunny. It pointed to her, then at the door.
"Bu-but Angel, what about all the little animals? Twilight is a very good friend, but she won't know what to give them..."
Once again the small rabbit pointed, this time at itself, then tapped its own head.
"Oh! Angel Bunny, are you saying you'll help Twilight when she gets here?"
He said nothing in reply, but stared at her meaningfully, folding his arms.
"Oh thank you!" Fluttershy bent down and swept the fluffy creature into a warm hug. "I'll write a note for her so she knows that you can help."
She smiled gratefully at her small friend as she carefully wrote down the instruction. Picking up the piece of paper in her mouth, she trotted to the front door and dropped it on the ground where Twilight Sparkle would be sure to see it.
Then, turning her head, she called softly over her shoulder, "Thank you again Angel, Twilight should be here very soon."
Seeing him standing there, tapping his foot and watching her with his arms folded, she smiled again and began to flap gently but quickly into the sky, eager to follow the rainbow trail that still faintly lingered in the air.
***
"Now just wait one apple-snatchin’ minute, Rarity. I thought you said you needed my help with movin’ somethin’, and I'm sure as shootin’ there ain't nothin’ to move 'round here!"
Rarity waited a moment, continuing her elegant saunter and allowing a long enough pause for the silence to begin to annoy Applejack, before answering.
"Well of course there's something to be moved, dear. All this dirt in your mane and coat is what, and it needs moving off you as soon as possible. You obviously have been working very hard and haven't had time to clean, so I thought I'd do you the favour of bringing you to the best spa in Ponyville." The white unicorn flashed a dazzling smile. "Fluttershy and I come here all the time. It's perfectly fabulous and we'll have you clean in no time. We can't have Ponyville's hardest worker not looking her best."
"That ain’t exactly the kind of thing I'd be worried about," AJ muttered under her breath, but she did her best to smile appreciatively at the compliment so as not to start an argument with her friend. The orange earth pony had had enough of those in recent times, and she was in no mood for another. Besides, it was still quite early, dawn having broken not very long ago. Maybe...
"Rarity, why-"
"Oh, don't worry about the time my dear," Rarity cut in before she had finished the question. "They open quite early here, as they're very dedicated to their clients, and some ponies like to get their treatment done in the morning before work."
"Darn."
AJ's hopes dashed, she dipped her head in defeat a little as she entered the small centre behind the unicorn.
The interior of the spa was wonderfully simple: no lavish flowers or over-expensive furnishing, no gilded carpets or exquisitely adorned tables. It was very modern and very comfortable. One could relax, even in the waiting room, without feeling too pretentious. Even Applejack, who was something of a stranger to these surroundings, felt at ease here.
"I s'pose this don't look too bad..." she murmured to herself, surprised.
Rarity came back from chatting with the spa ponies, who had disappeared into the rear room.
"Now come on Applejack, these lovely dears will take all the stress out of your hooves. I've asked for the full works for both of us, so we can just take it easy for a few hours. Follow me n-"
"A few hours?!" AJ's ears had pricked up at this. "I don't have a few hours! I gotta get back to the farm to help with the buckin’! And I got Twilight comin' down later to help organise a big order that's headed to Canterlot - I gotta be back for her and she ain't ever late!"
She was beginning to panic already, her voice raising in pitch as she thought of all those trees going unbucked, but Rarity just smiled and put a hoof on her shoulder.
"Relax and breathe, dear, relax and breathe. It's all under control." The purple-maned pony's voice seemed to have a calming effect, although her friend's worried expression remained.
"I've asked Sweetie Belle to inform your sister that you will be occupied for the morning, and I’m certain your brother Macintosh won’t mind if you take the morning off. He always says you work too much anyway. In fact, with a small bit of rest and pampering, I’d say you’d be able to work even harder than before! Think how many more apples you can harvest if you manage to recoup some energy like this.”
“Huh. Well, okay then, but what about Twilight?”
"Oh, don't worry, we'll have you back in plenty of time - it won't take that long. Besides, I wouldn't say the dear thing is even awake yet."
Applejack couldn’t think of anything to say to that, so she settled for allowing herself to be mollified.
Rarity’s smile widened, pleased that she had gotten through to the stubborn farmer. “Now, if you’re quite ready, follow me and we shall begin.”
***
Sleepily she shut the door and turned her bleary eyes towards the Everfree Forest. Obviously Zecora had been awake, as Owlowiscious had returned almost straight away with a note from the zebra asking Twilight to meet her immediately. The purple unicorn wasn't sure what was so urgent, but she still had a little time before she was due to meet Fluttershy at her home, and it wasn't like she had much else to do at that hour. Besides, the cottage was close enough to the edge of the forest that it wouldn't take long to get back from Zecora's hut. She had mumbled at her nocturnal assistant an instruction to give the note to Spike if he woke up early, although he knew she was due to help out with the animal feeding anyway.
As she stumbled along the path, the fresh air started to clear her mind a little, allowing her to begin to think straight. Her organised mind began to grind into action, running through what she had to do and where she had to be for the rest of the day.
"Right. Hopefully Zecora won't need to take too long so I can get to Fluttershy on time, then that's going to take at least an hour and a half, after that Pinkie Pie asked me to try her new shortbread biscuit recipe, and I said I'd help Applejack with organising that big order she has, and then after that I need to see Rarity about picking up my new saddlebags," her old ones had completely ripped through from the weight of all the books she had put in them, "and after that I'll need to get back to keep an eye on the library, but if I'm there I won't be able to get to..."
Her rambling trailed off as she simultaneously realised two things:
1. She had been talking aloud to herself. Only mad ponies did that, and she was definitely not mad. Yet. She hoped.
2. She had been so distracted by what was coming up, she had forgotten to look up, and while she had veered off course a little, she had also already reached the edge of the Forest.
Twilight Sparkle looked deep into the trees, straining her eyes to try and see something, anything, but as usual the Everfree proved too dense for her pony sight. She had been here a number of times before, but still she felt nervous entering this domain, especially alone, without her friends to bolster her confidence. Still, she realised time was not on her side this morning, so she trotted onward at a decent pace, hoping to reach the little hut without incident.
***
"This is gonna be so AWESOME!"
Rainbow Dash wasn't even making the slightest effort to contain her excitement. There weren't more than thirty ponies in the small arena, including Princess Luna, who had just set the moon down to allow the sun to rise properly. She looked tired, but still regally impressive, her coat shining its deep, midnight-blue, her wings held proudly aloft and her alicorn horn spiralling beautifully to its point. However, Dash didn't get to admire for very long as she saw the Princess' eyes sweep in her direction, and she quickly shifted her attention back to the centre of the cloud arena, where she could now hear muffled sounds coming from the tunnel, even over the buzz of ponies talking.
Fluttershy was enjoying herself, after having chatted (well, listened) happily to her friend about the Wonderbolts almost non-stop since they had arrived in Cloudsdale. She had also seen Luna's thoughtful gaze and had respectfully (if awkwardly) averted her stare as well.
Her mind, however, did not return to the pending spectacle like Rainbow's did, but to those that had been left below in Ponyville.
I hope Twilight's okay. I know Angel Bunny knows what he's doing but will she understand him? What if she doesn't find the note? What if there's not enough food for everyone? And what about if any of the littler animals get injured and Twilight doesn't know how to look after them? Oh, and how woul-eep!
Her worried thoughts were interrupted suddenly as she felt a hoof grab her own.
"Oh my gosh!" Rainbow Dash was on the verge of shouting. "It's starting!"
Fluttershy tried to bring some order back into the scrambled and confused mess of emotions jumping around her head, demanding attention.
"Oh, umm... That's... great," she said, forcing a smile she hoped looked excited, but felt terrified. Fortunately, Dash, who was still holding her hoof, was too distracted by the awesomery beginning to unfold in the arena to notice the bright flush blazing across the animal-lover's cheeks.
Mind reeling, Fluttershy attempted to focus on the whooshing pegasi flying in front of her, but found it extraordinarily difficult - even when Soarin' flew within hoof's reach of the pair, although Rainbow squealed and giggled like a little filly.
The yellow pegasus sighed, still rather jittery, and with her eyes somehow following the action, she decided to just let her mind wander...
***
The small hut was dug into a tree that, by some magic or miracle, was still alive. Strange, coloured bottles hung by vines from several branches, a scary looking mask was set over the doorway, and as always, spooky light glowed from the few gaps in the bark that served as windows. Twilight had visited Zecora often enough not to be frightened of the unusual ambience surrounding the place she lived, but it still made her feel slightly uneasy, as if something wasn't quite right. Still feeling weary, but mostly alert now, she stepped up and tapped on the hut's liitle door. It swung open easily.
"That's odd," she said to herself before raising her voice.
"Zecora?"
When no reply came she poked her horn around the door, and gasped at what she saw.
Books were strewn across the floor, broken vials lay in pools of multicoloured liquid, and the zebra's favourite cauldron was upside-down in the corner of the room.
"Ze-Zecora?" Twilight called again, anxious now. What could have happened? She took a step backwards, in the direction of the exit, while looking around, searching for some clue as to what had happened, or where her striped friend had gone. She would have to run back to Ponyville and get he- wait! What was that on the floor?
Is that... is that Zecora's earring?
Twilight felt a shock run through her system. This was proof that something really bad must have happened, because the zebra never took that off, ever! Twilight wasn't even sure if she could.
She turned then, picking up the small gold ring with magic and meaning to gallop with it as fast as she could back to Ponyville, when she suddenly realised she wasn't alone. Somepony, or something, was there with her, standing in the doorway. She raised her head, veerrrrry slowly, to look at the something in front of her, a sense of fear building up deep inside her.
"Good morning, Twilight Sparkle."
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Okay, you can take this however you want to. I haven't even completely decided where it's going to go yet. A large portion of the next chapter is already written though. This one's called zero because not much happens in it...
I started writing this months ago, so it's probably pretty low quality, but I decided I wanted to write it some more. Hopefully publishing the first chapter will encourage me to actually do that. Also, hopefully a good direction to take this will occur to me at some point soon. (It's adventure tagged atm, because it didn't really seem to fit in any of the others. I may change that later if necessary)
Bleh, like or dislike this as you want, I've got a more interesting story in the works too, so I'll just have to see how this one goes.
Also, I haven't proofread it, so there's quite likely errors aplenty
I sketched the cover image in 30 mins with a mouse, so don't take too much notice of it. For my real art, go look here
Your gay
It's pretty damn good so far. Your writing style is fluid and engrossing, and even though not much has happened yet I never found myself bored. Also liking the FlutterDash intrigue (one of my favourite ships), so points for good sidestory right there. Looking forward to seeing how this turns out, so I'll leave a track but save my rating until more of the plot unfolds. Keep up the good work!
Okay, when I read the description, my mind immediatley went "Story of the Blanks."
This is just making what I suspect seem more and more likely.
not a bad start hope to see more,
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Thy seething remarks burn and find their way into mine very soul, whereupon they fester like a rotted wound. They hang on my conscience as lead would from ankles, and their caustic nature scours my heart, and bares it for all to see, open and wider than the chasm between your land and mine. That I have displeased ye in such a fashion is more than a stain upon my honour: it is a bloody slash, delivered by a thrice used knife - unclean and unpure. Although it is far too late to alter my course, I may, if such is possible, reappraise mine works, and transfigure them unto a form more pleasing to your eyes. I only wish to explain my actions, so that you might have of a better understanding.
In regards to using letters of a higher or upper case, it is true and wretched that I have done such a thing. But I beg you: pity me! For as I wrote my words, a little over five months past, I did not put pen to paper, but thumb to mobile device, and as such, had mo option for such italicisation. Now that time has passed, it would have been prudent of me to alter these words, yet, as I have previously mentioned, I did not proofread this work.
Your other concern, m'lud, is a thing purely of personal choice. I enjoy the sound of the southern drawl the fair miss Applejack engages us with, and merely wished to compensate and emphasise it in my words. I apologise, for it has indeed angered you, and it is becoming clear that you often mask your displeasure from me. I would ask for the cessation of such an act, and would prefer to see your face, honest and true. I may in due time, adhere to your wishes and change my accentuated accent usage in this tale, but it shall not be this day. This day, mine body hath been struck by many a barbed arrow, and will yet see many more ere I rest; yet I shall not fall. I shall stand, and I shall write.
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sorry, i left my computer unattended at school for about 2mins and someone posted that. haters gonna hate.
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hope I don't disappoint
Thanks
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It's probably not what you're thinking I'm afraid
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The things I do for you...
Anyway, if you're going to be disappointed, be disappointed in davrockist, cos he's the one who wrote this chapter - over 5 months ago, and before Silver Cloud even existed. I didn't really pay much attention to writing then (for example, this story was originally going to have an overpowered alicorn villain), but those days are gone. Now I actually pay attention to what I'm doing. Unfortunately, due to being extremely tired I didn't bother going through this and just posted it for the sake of posting something. I have now gone through it and fixed up the few things wrong.
I had always intended to uncapitalise and italicize, which I now have done, but iPods unfortunately don't have that capability, and I didn't know about formatting code when I wrote it.
As for the matter of Ah vs. I, it's a personal thing. I like the way "ah" sounds, and that's it. I have, however, changed it in this story. Hopefully you can enjoy it a bit more now.
I'm gonna throw in my two pennies (shut up, I'm english, we use pennies not cents!) on the I/Ah debate: I personally find it an endearing character trait, not to mention that in lengthy speech scenes it does help differentiate between who is speaking, without having to keep reminding the reader every so often. Also, I'm not sure why phoneticizing accents is considered an insult, as opposed to accurate and informative. For example, it is occasionally difficult to remind yourself which accent a character is speaking in, if it was only mentioned once in the narrative about 3,000 words ago. Whereas if a character's accent is woven into their dialogue, it makes for a more engaging and immersive read. Well, I think so at least.
It's also noteworthy that, at least in fiction, grammar and spelling are not paramount. You can have a doctorate in English Language, but if your story is cliched and unimmersive, all the dotted I's and crossed T's in the world won't save you. And conversely, I personally try to see past the spelling and grammar errors in a good story, and just lose myself in the plot.
That being said: GRAMMAR WARS, COMMENCE!
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yay someone that agrees with me
I hate when I have to reread when I confuse ah(I) for ah(ah)
...and I have never heard I sound like ah anyway
even in thick accents
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your literary greatness knows no bounds does it
first a good story
then a written marvel of a comment... if a little inconstant
would definitely be interested in more
Been meaning to take a look at this.
Chapter Zero, eh? The programmer in me approves.
Need commas. Direct thoughts get the same punctuation as dialogue, except with italics instead of quotes
>Spike won't be up yet, she thought.
>Spike won't be up yet! she thought.
>Spike won't be up yet? she thought.
(although I guess it generally looks nice to not use "she thought" with thoughts ending in question/exclamation marks)
Typo (full stop where there should be a comma).
This thing of using descriptors instead of names or pronouns is a pet peeve of mine – we call it "Lavender Unicorn Syndrome" in some circles. I find it distracting and inappropriately flowery for most styles of writing. Your use of it is minimal enough to not bother me too much, but I recommend trying for pronouns before inserting descriptors. And keep it away from dialogue – using descriptors distances the readers from the characters (Twilight Sparkle becomes a lavender unicorn; an object rather than a character) which is not something you want to do in dialogue (but is something you might like to do in other circumstances). ...Here's something I prepared earlier.
I'll just add that descriptors vs names is a very subjective issue and, again, your use doesn't irritate me to the degree that the syndrome did in, say, On A Cross and Arrow or Sunset or some other fics I've read...
Ooh, cliffhanger ending!
A silly technical nitpick is that you've used hyphens (-) where you should use en dashes (–). Seeing as you have to press Alt+0150 to get an en dash outside of MS Word (and seeing as I do this rather often as well) you're excused. I can't say the text is made worse by the lack of proper dashes.
Can't really say much about the story as yet, seeing as it's early days. It's interesting that you've started with these three plot threads (but where's Pinkie?!) and I wish you luck in writing a story with five/six main characters – doing that's probably one of the hardest things about writing ponies.
Comments about stuff that's already been fixed.
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Gonna agree with you guys and voice my opposition to "ah" instead of "I" here. I'm not fussed 'bout other little affectations t' show accent, but that one is right annoying. I think it's a good idea t' show accent through word choice an' not phonetic horseplay... though I will admit that I personally like to overplay phonetic accents in single-scene characters, 'cause it amuses me.
And I'll also second the call to italicise "FABULOUS". Some folk look down on all caps in general, but I'll admit I personally like to use it for SHOUTING in certain, select circumstances (then again, I also use interrobangs (?!) and onomatopoeia (CLANG!)... I am a sinful writer). Italics seem more appropriate for Rarity's way of emphasising important words in her dialogue.
well i've been meaning to get around to this one for quite some time now. i guess i should have read it sooner! i like where this is going and i'll be tracking it for future updates.
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What you did there, I see it.
Okay.
Missed that one - thanks
While I'd agree with not overusing descriptors, I'm still going to use them. I hate seeing the same name repeated over and over again, and pronouns like "she" can get confusing with multiple mares involved.
Point noted though.
She'll be in the next chapter. And there won't be three full plots – just one main storyline with a couple small things thrown in underneath. In all honesty it'll probably focus mostly on one character as it goes on, just from several different perspectives. Maybe. If I pull my finger out.
Finally,
Opinions, opinions everywhere
I already CHANGED all those, AND the ah/I thing. Yeesh...
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Oh, and as much as I appreciate the in-depth feedback, perhaps you could keep the schoolteacher stuff to PMs? Not the typos or whatever, I don't mind that, but going into detailed explanations on some things is a bit much for a story comment. Thanks.
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I'll do that in future.
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Nitpicking to this degree is my special way of saying "cool story, can't see anything wrong with it". =)
Getting the right balance so as not to annoy or distract anyone is pretty tricky. As I said above, don't worry about it, you're under the legal (descriptor) limit.