Guffaw at the Grossly

by Weeeman

06: Atlantis City

Chapter 6: Atlantis City

So… What now?

After separating from Anders, I had travelled east for the rest of the day and found a convenient cave minutes before the sunset. The next morning I decided that I had no idea what to do.

Well, it’s been around ten days since you became my champion. The limit I placed on you should have already weakened a bit. You probably can change your appearance now, but not heal or teleport. I think you shouldn’t hunt other champions yet, though.

Yeah having to dodge everything to avoid injuries is not fun. So, what now?

You probably are as tired of the endless forests and plains as I am of watching you travel through them, so you have not one, not two, not three, but two options. The first one is going south to the desert, which is like a plain but with sand and no water.

I know what a desert is.

The second option is the city of Atlantis, which is also called Atlantis because it’s the only city in the floating islands.

Alright, where’s the city?

Follow the yellow brick road, Dorothy. Or any road. All the roads in this island lead to the city.

Ugh, why did I have to travel to such a primitive place? I like cyberpunk so much more than high fantasy…

I have always had a soft spot for castles, dungeons and magic-using natives. Technologically advanced worlds are so boring, everything is already done and said in those.

Whatever. Should I keep travelling towards the sunrise or what?

Yeah, keep moving in that direction until you find a road, then follow it towards the north. You should reach it in a day of high speed flight.

“One day” my ass. It took me twenty EIGHT hours to reach the city! In order to fly without being attacked by bearsickles, I turned myself invisible while I flew just below the second speed barrier. After MORE than a full day flying like that, I was so tired that I barely felt excited when I sighted the city in the distance. The sunrise would be in less than an hour, but I climbed to a large tree and managed to sleep through most of the day until a squirrel woke me up by throwing a nut at me. After having squirrel for a 5pm breakfast, I began walking to the city, as flying had become quite boring.

So… Will the doggies in the city be as mean as the ones I met before?

After what I did a few years ago during a visit, I don’t think they will dare to offend you in any way.

Oh, do tell!

Well, I was giving them the time of their life. Making delicious banquets appear out of thin air, playing music the likes of which had never been heard in this planet, and pretty much turning the whole city into a funhouse. It was so gloriously chaotic. Then a party pooper alicorn began to undo my magic while babbling about how my magic was evil and perverse. What I did to him wasn’t pretty. Since then, everyone in the city knows that I don’t like party poopers, so they don’t dare to do anything that could ruin my mood when I’m around. They won’t risk upsetting you, since you might be a relative of mine, or me playing female.

Good. I wouldn’t like having to raze a city just because the locals are assholes.

I shouldn’t have to remind you that alicorns could give you a run for your money, and there will be several of them in there. Getting killed is no fun, so don’t do anything too stupid.

Yeah, yeah, I’ll be careful.

Walking towards the city was fun. With flight being so fast and easy, I had barely walked since I made myself a body. Running was even better, but when I tried to do some acrobatics without my magic to help I only managed to land face-first, to Discord’s delight. Soon I reached a gate in the wall that surrounded the city.

Why would they build a wall? They can just, like, fly over it.

That wall has powerful alicorn spells embedded in it that the cynogriffin guards can activate if they are under attack. Those walls are meant to resist the power of an army of dragons and alicorns. There are few things in this world with more raw power than the Wall of Atlantis. Even my power is no match for them.

Woah, cool. Wait, if they can use their walls against you, why are they scared of making you angry?

Because we all know better than using our biggest weapons against each other for no good reason. I don’t lay waste to their city nor kill their citizens, and they don’t activate the Wall.

A group of cynogriffins guarding the gate stopped me from entering. “Halt, creature. Who are you and what brings you here?”

“Why, don’t you recognize me?” I asked, perfectly mimicking Discord’s voice. “I am Discord, and I have come to bring a bit of excitement to all of you.”

“Since when does Discord look… Feminine?” one of the guards asked.

“I felt like changing my looks for a while, do you like it?” I replied, blinking seductively. For some reason, the cynogriffin shuddered.

“We apologise for not recognising you, Discord,” the oldest of them said. “We weren’t expecting you to come today, since we aren’t holding any festivity. Please, come in. You are always welcome to Atlantis.”

Well, that was easy. Now what?

You have the whole city for yourself, go wild.

Hm… Okay!

To begin with, I changed my color scheme to have way more pink in it. I love pink. Then I began to fly towards the center of the town while leaving a trail of flowers and cupcakes behind me, and releasing fireworks, clowns that would perform for a couple of minutes before exploding in bursts of confetti. When I arrived at the town’s market place, several cynogriffins were following me, some of them eating cupcakes while others simply waited for me to do something else. I made music sound all over the place as tables filled to the brim with alcoholic beverages and roasted meat popped around.

“LET’S GET IT STARTED!”

Even though most of the citizens were cynogriffins, I could also see a few alicorns and what could only be dragons who had yet to reach adult size. Everyone was dancing, drinking and having fun. As soon as the sun set, I was able to set up some disco lights. I also started drinking heavily, rejoicing in the wonders of alcohol poisoning. I eventually found myself dancing with a white coated and red-maned female alicorn who was trying to talk to me over the party noise, and failing to do so. I got such a chaos rush that, later on, it would be difficult to remember all I did, but one of the things I could recall was turning part of the ground into a trampoline. I also remember a few cynos complaining because I was so drunk and I was sustaining so many spells at the same time that I was losing control of them, so a few of the fireworks and clowns had gained an evil sentience and were harming those who were too drunk or tired to escape. When I got that sorted out, it was late into the night, and most party-goers were going back to their houses… Or to other people’s houses… A few cynogriffins that were either too drunk or too brave for their own good asked me to accompany them to their homes, but I refused to have a gross mortal’s phallus touch me in any manner or place.

By dawn, I was puking in an alleyway, having drunk way too much of the alcohol I had made with my own magic. When I was done emptying my stomach, I stopped powering all the stuff that depended on my magic, so the lights and music quickly vanished. Only then, when the lack of blinding lights allowed my pupils to dilate, recovering my feline night-vision, did I realize I wasn’t alone in the alleyway. A cynogriffin cub was trying to limp away from me, and after a few seconds I realized he had no wings.

“H-h-h-heeeeey! Wheeeere d’ya think yeeeeer goin’?” I asked as I levitated the cub towards me. “Did ya forget yoooour wings back *hic* h-h-home?”

“Leave me alone!”

“Hm….. Imma heal dat leeeeg and then ya tell meee whaaaat did ya do to yeeer wings,” I said as I snapped my fingers and his broken leg healed in an instant.

“I don’t have wings,” he muttered.

“Say whaaaaat?! That’s unf, unfa, unhg… not fair!”

“You’re telling me, the other boys make fun of me and hurt me because I can’t fly,” he explained, trying to hold back tears. “I have to live in the streets because my dad hates me and doesn’t want me home, today is the first day I have eaten in days because of all the party food.”

“W-w-well, let’s see if th*hic* if the*hic*... *Hic*... Let’s seeeee if they caaaan hurt ya now.”

With a snap of my fingers, I improved the cub. Since his natural magic was being wasted because he had no wings to channel it into flight, I made it go to his claws so they would allow him to dig super fast and be able to cleave through steel as if he had magic laser fingers. That also made his forelegs become much stronger, so I decided to make them also a bit larger and give him opposable thumbs. Bitches love opposable thumbs. I love opposable thumbs.

“What the heck?!” he asked, surprised. “I thought you were going to give me wings!”

“Don’t look aaaaa gift hoers in the… uh… mouth. *Hic* Huh…. Dragons caaaan eat gems, rite?” I snapped my fingers once again. “You can do iiiiit now, tooooo.”

With the cynogriffin’s problems solved, I flew away while smiling. I think he said something, but I was too drunk to understand what he said. A couple of minutes later I found a comfy-looking alley and decided to sleep on it.

“Best night eveeeeer!”

---

I woke up to something poking me. At first I tried to ignore it, as I felt a terrible headache that, according to my experience as a party watcher, was caused by being too smashed and yoloing too hard.

“Wake up, Guffaw.”

I wasn’t expecting a female voice to call me by my name, since I had told everyone I was Discord. After shaking my head to clear up my thoughts, I opened my eyes and hissed in pain. There was so much light! When I finally could see, I found a white alicorn with a red mane and an inkwell and a feather tattooed on her butt. Later on I would remember Discord telling me that those were called Destiny Emblems by alicorns, and as the name suggest they tell you what you are supposed to do. Boring.

“How the fuck do you know my name?” I asked.

Hey Chuckles. Listen here for a moment.

“Wait, don’t answer that, I’m getting a call.”

What is it?

That alicorn is Lauren Faust, a player like me. She will do anything to ensure that Tirek doesn’t win, even helping other people’s champions.

Oh, right! You told me about her, I think. Is this the one who likes big butts and cannot lie?

… Oh girl. Now I won’t be able to sleep until I discover if she prefers big butts or small butts. I must investigate, over and out.

“Oh, so YOU are Faust! It is a pleasure to meet you, Laren!” I told her as I got up and threw away the dozen of empty bottles that had somehow ended up covering my chest.

“It’s Lauren, actually.”

“Alright, Lowrenn. Let’s see what you are planning,” I loved mispronouncing her name so much.

“Would you mind following me to a more secluded place? There are matters I wish to discuss that shouldn’t be heard by anyone passing by.”

I simply nodded and followed her. It was then when I noticed that Faust wasn’t alone. She was accompanied by a teenager male dragon with platinum-colored scales, a pink female alicorn smaller than her, a cynogriffin that I immediately wanted to snuggle, and a blonde human woman that looked familiar for some reason. After walking for a few minutes, we reached a small house that Faust opened with a key she summoned in a burst of magic.

“Whose house is this, Lorena?” I asked. “Does your secret cynogriffin lover live here?”

“It’s mine, actually. I have a small residence on every major city.”

“Mind if I crash here whenever I need to stay in the city, Laurenne? Sleeping in dark alleyways is unbecoming of a lady such as me.”

“You are going to do it regardless of what I say.”

“Oh my gosh Larenzina you know me so well,” I liked her already.

“Must you be so disrespectful to our host? She is allowing us entrance to her home;” the human piped in. I turned to face her and tilted my head as I stared in confusion. Who was this woman who I was certain I had seen before, and who dared to talk to ME like that?

“Laurin, I am curious about the mortals that you have gathered. When are you going to introduce us?”

“You have a point, young one.” YOUNG one? I was pretty sure I was at least ten times her age! “First, my own friend. This is Megan Williams, a traveller and leader from the vast reaches of space. Her companion is Bahamut, a dragon from the ground continent. Callistephus, a cyno from the lands nearby; quite the reader I hear. And Firefly, one of my own kind.”

“Hola! I’m Guffaw, a draconequus from the Nexus. You might also know my kind as gods of cha-” and just then did I realize why the human looked familiar. “Hold on, did you say Megan Williams? As in, the Megan Williams who captains the ship holding the last remnants of humanity?”

“Yes… how do you know of me? Were you on a planet we attempted to colonize?”

“Oh my gosh I can’t believe this is the same dimension. You are a celebrity among my kind. You are literally one of the entries for “heroism” in our dictionary, girl!” I wasn’t making it up. There is no such thing as parenting or raising among my kind. We sort of pop into existence as self-sufficient individuals. There is, however, a small amount of learning newborn draconequi go through when an older one feels like checking on us. Mainly, they point us towards dimensions and timelines we should watch. It could be said it was the draconequus equivalent of stories for children.

Among them there’s Megan’s story, which is regarded as the standard “heroic protagonist” story by many of us. She had managed to save a few thousand humans from a civil war that would have condemned her race to extinction if it wasn’t for her. Of course, she had no idea of all of this until now.

“That is high praise indeed. Thank you. I did not know I was so well known among another race.”

“I propose we continue this conversation inside, rather than at my doorstep,” Faust suggested.

As we walked in and sat around a table, I gave Megan a good look. She looked almost like she did when I watched her from the Nexus, the only difference the five or so extra years that had taken away any reminder of her childhood from her face.

“Whoa, this is awes- I mean, this is splendorous!” the pink alicorn spoke, apparently giving the others an opening to join the talking.

“Indeed. It’s not often one can find such a classy house in Atlantis,” the cynogriffin said. I would have snuggled him right there if the table wasn’t between both of us.

“Wow. Much cozy. Very pintoresque. Lots of likes,” I said, since the doggy’s face somehow drove me into speaking like that.

“Befitting of one of your stature, Lady Faust,” added the dragon.

“It has been long since I have seen such a home,” finished Megan, now that we all were complimenting Faust’s house.

A small smile sneaked into Faust’s lips as she talked. ”I am very grateful for your compliments. Now, there is a reason why I have gathered you here.”

“No shit,” did anyone think she had brought us to her house so we could have a massive orgy or what? I was going to say just that when I felt her magic act on me. Before I could do anything to stop her, she summoned a zip that sealed my mouth shut.

“As you know, a contest is going on. Originally, I had hoped Megan would be able, with a little help, defeat my enemy’s chosen, Scorpan. Unfortunately, despite his defeat at her hands only days ago, he has survived and become ten times stronger. The king tells me villages have been leveled within the blink of an eye. As his power grows, I fear for more and more for the planet. And so, I have taken measures that I believe will save us.”

Her horn glowed for a few seconds as she teleported a compass in front of each of us. As soon as I touched it I felt a powerful spell cast into it, but I had no idea what it was.

“These magical compasses will lead you to a set of keys,” she explained. “With those, you will be able to unlock a power with no equal in this world. However, the keys will not work unless you exemplify the virtues they represent. I have chosen you five because I believe each one of you embodies one of the values. Once you acquire the keys, the compasses will point towards the location of the receptacle of said power. With it, you will be able to defeat Scorpan and save Atlantis.”

I finally managed to overpower Faust’s spell and unzip my mouth so I could talk. “This is a great idea and all, but... Aren’t the five of us meant to kill each other until only one of us remains? If this Scorpan guy is so powerful I agree not to attack any of you until we get rid of him, but then what? We turn on each other the moment he croaks?”

“There is a way around that,” she replied. “While fighting someone, they do not have to die by your hand. They can surrender to you, for the same effect.”

“Surrender,” I repeated. I thought Discord was being sarcastic when he told me about it. Like, who would willingly give up just like that? “As in, letting other win. No, thanks. I think I’ll just defeat Scorpan myself and then you all can surrender to me.”

“My benefactor just explained her concern about his power,” Megan intervened. “You believe yourself strong enough to win on your own?”

“My powers were temporarily weakened so I could join this game. As soon as this limitation disappears, I am sure I will be able to defeat this ‘Scorpan’.” I didn’t care how powerful they said he was, he was a mortal and I would always come out on top if I had access to all my power.

“And they say I am full of myself,” the pink alicorn, Firefly, muttered.

“I know your kind, Guffaw, and I have seen what Discord is capable of. Still, I doubt your could best him. By the time you gain full access to your power, he will have become too powerful for you.” The way she put it, I began to doubt if I really could beat him. Discord was several times stronger than me, what if this mortal somehow managed to also best me in raw power? It would make beating him much harder.

“Ugh, fine! I’ll find this key thingy! But I’m not going to surrender to anyone unless there’s no other choice.”

“Fair enough. Does anyone else have an issue with this arrangement?”

They probably talked a bit more, but I stopped paying attention to them as I played with the compass while I tried to understand its magic.

“Well then,” Faust said as she got up from her chair, making me return to the conversation. “Remember what is at stake, for the very fate of this world depends on the five of you. I wish all of you the best of lucks.”

“Alright, so, mine is pointing to the north-east. Is anyone else travelling there, too?” I asked, but apparently everyone else had to travel in a different direction. “Then we won’t probably meet until we have gathered all the keys or I turn Scorpan into hamburgers. Goodbye kisses for everyone!”

To begin with, I kissed Bahamut right in the kisser, but I didn’t dare to use tongue when I realized how sharp and long his teeth were. While he was scratching his head in confusion, I turned towards Megan and fulfilled my dream of giving her the best French kiss in the history of kisses. For some reason, she began to wipe her tongue with her sleeve, but who am I to judge other people’s fetishes? Next came Firefly, who tried to fly away but couldn’t escape my levitation pull. As soon as my tongue invaded her mouth she bit me, making me yelp in surprise.

“You taste like booze,” she complained as she grimaced.

After her, I turned towards Faust. However, the stare she gave me hinted that a deep, sensual French kiss wasn’t what she wanted, so I licked her face instead. Lastly, it was the doggy’s turn.

“This is how I kiss doggies!” I told him just before putting his closed muzzle inside my mouth and blowing air into his lips, making a motorboating sound come from them. Unlike the others, who seemed to be either confused or annoyed for some reason, Callistephus became paralyzed. After poking him a few times and eliciting no response from him, I waved goodbye to everyone and flew away.

Kissing is a lot of fun! The nerve endings on my tongue went crazy and now half of my body has decided to join them!

Oh great, now that you have realized that physical contact with mortals doesn’t gross you out you won’t stop fucking everything that moves.

You say it as if that was a bad thing.

Trust me, Chuckles. Watching you have sex is pretty low on my list of things I want to do.

What about joining in the fun?

Sure, why not?

And that was the beginning of a beautiful friendship with benefits.

No, not really.

Author's Note:

Megan and Bahamut are from To Save a Home.