Kumberbuzzles Over Canterlot

by SirTruffles

The Birth of the Kumberbuzzle

“You can’t be serious, Miss Rarity: Sapphire Shores said blue is out of style,” the foppish sandy-coated unicorn huffed.

“That was two years ago, Mr. Glitz, and she was talking about navy in particular,” Rarity corrected him through gritted teeth as pearly as her fur. She had no idea how she had put up with an hour of shuffling this… paying customer from rack to rack, but she was beginning to question whether a sale was, in fact, a sale. “This is year ten-oh-three, and if I do say so myself, robin’s egg is very much your color.”

Glitz stepped from one ruffed hoof to the other as he gave the blazer another look. “But it’s just not…”

“Not what? What don’t you like? It matches your coat, it will look lovely amongst this autumn’s lineup, and it’s reasonably priced. What’s. not. to like?” Rarity begged, eye twitching.

“It’s just not me,” Glitz complained.

“If you want a personalized style, I do commissions,” Rarity reminded him for the umpteenth time. She could feel a thousand split ends forming in her meticulously styled purple mane.

“But Topaz found his,” Glitz groaned. “He just had to have it tailored to suit his tastes-”

“Then what can I change? Just tell me and it’s done,” Rarity begged.

“But if you change it, I didn’t find it,” Glitz protested.

Before the fasionista’s ire could ignite, a voice came from knee-level. “Excuse me? Is this the way to the Mad Hatter’s Headwear Emporium? I seem to have taken a wrong turn.” Rarity turned to find Dogbert looking up at the ponies. He checked his glasses and looked again. “A very wrong turn.”

“This is Carousel Boutique, dear,” Rarity informed him stiffly. “Ponyville doesn’t have a dedicated hatter, but I may be able to put something together if you would like.”

“Ponyville? This is the Mall,” Dogbert corrected her. He shuffled over to a display window and looked out into the twilight-lit equine filled streets. His eyebrows flew up. “A very very wrong turn. I’ll just be going. Sorry for the inconvenience.”

With that, he was gone.

“As I was saying…” Rarity turned back to Glitz, but before she could speak, she felt a tap on her leg.

“Sorry to interrupt again, but the door is stuck. Would you mind getting it for me?” Dogbert asked.

“The front door doesn’t have a catch, dear,” Rarity noted.

“No, that door.” Dogbert pointed to an ordinary wood door tucked away behind a few pony mannequins.

“That door has been stuck since I bought the place,” Rarity informed him. “Why don’t you just go out the front door like everypony else?”

“Excuuusseeee me: I’m the customer here,” Glitz moaned.

They both shot him an annoyed glance. He was mortified, not embarrassed.

“But that door leads to – Ponyville, was it?” Dogbert explained. “I need to get back to the Mall. The Mall entrance is jammed.”

“I’m afraid that’s a storage closet,” Rarity said. “And it hasn’t opened in years, so you might want to stop playing games and run along – may I help you?” She whirled back to Glitz, who had been attempting to tap his hoof impatiently, but ended up more along the lines of banging a gavel.

“Yes, I was trying to find me a ‘me’ suit for the Grand Galloping Gala, but you haven’t shown me any yet,” Glitz complained.

Before Rarity could calm her wrath for a response, Dogbert piped up: “Then it’s a good thing this store is serviced by a Dogbert Shopalong Personal Purchase Consultant!” He put on a little bell-boy hat from nowhere in particular. “How may I expedite your shopping experience?”

“Oh, so you’re a professional of some sort?” Glitz asked.

“PhD in Garbatology – we only hire the best.” Dogbert polished his knuckles on his fur.

“Oh, good, a certified expert,” Glitz sighed with relief. “Lead on.”

“Excuse me-” Rarity interjected.

“We’ll call if we need you, Miss.” Dogbert put up a paw. “Now Mr.-”

“Glitz,” Glitz supplied.

“This is my shop,” Rarity fumed.

“And this is my new fashion consultant,” Glitz insisted. “He’ll call if we need you.”

Rarity glared at both of them, but her ire fell more and more on Glitz. With a snort, she stalked off to watch from the register.

“So, Mr. Glitz, what can Dogbert Consulting do for you?” Dogbert asked.

“Well, I was thinking maybe something like a mauve or maybe a green to match my eyes, and sometimes Mum says-”

Dogbert smiled and nodded for exactly seven seconds.

“-So what I’m hearing is what you’re seeing lacks scrumptulocity,” he cut in.

“-or perhaps a tropical print: those are always in – scrumptu-what now?” Glitz asked.

“Scrumptulocity: it’s a mix of hoity and blazzle,” Dogbert explained. “All the rage in the underground right now. In fact, it’s kind of like what you’ve got right now.” He examined Glitz’s mismatched hoof-ruffs, perfectly straight-faced.

“Oh! Well… of course, fashion sense does run in the family.” Glitz puffed out his chest.

“Yes, yes, of course it does,” Dogbert agreed. “In fact, your suit is fine. You just need a little… something to draw this ensemble together.”

“What do you suggest?” Glitz lowered his ear.

“Hmmm…” Dogbert lead him around the shop combing through rack after rack. “No… no… too blasé, perfect, needs more plomf, green isn’t your color… aha!” He came up with a frilly garter from a clearance rack in the front of the store.

“A garter?” Glitz raised an eyebrow.

“No! No! No! It is in fact, a kumberbuzzle!” Dogbert insisted. “The distinguished stallion should never leave home without one!”

“It looks like a garter-” Glitz insisted.

Dogbert glanced about him. “Oh! Wait, no, of course it looks like a garter: the other half’s wandered off. The Plebeians always mess up the racks. I don’t know why they’re even allowed in public.” He ransacked the bins until he came up with a little change purse and a hair clip to attach it to the garter. “See the genius? Dainty, yet functional.”

“I’m not sure-”

“Behold!” Dogbert whisked the flustered unicorn over to a mirror and stretched the garter over his head like a sweatband. Under the weight of the purse, it slid to an unkempt slant. “Notice the felicity of the lace and how it clicks with the rochre of your coat, while maintaining just enough synergy to keep the mares in a tizzy. Well, what do you think? Am I right or am I right? I am a professional, after all.”

Glitz just stared at himself blankly for a moment. His head tilted. “You know, I kinda see it now.”

Dogbert wagged. “Of course you do.” He led Glitz to the counter. “And it can all be yours for-” He checked the tags. “-twenty… bits? Bits! Or four easy payments of nine.”

“Four payments?” Rarity deadpanned. “The tags read twenty bits.”

“Special partner pricing,” Dogbert explained. “Dogbert Consulting takes great pride in giving its customers the deal they deserve.”

“Exactly,” Glitz harrumphed, “And I’ll take nothing less.” When he set his chin, the purse bobbed like a tag he had forgotten to clip.

Rarity just sat, staring, as Dogbert wagged, the rest of his demeanor perfectly neutral.

“You’re sure you don’t want the suit we were discussing?” Rarity asked.

“Of course not,” Glitz huffed. “I have found it exudes an insufficient amount of scrumptulocity for my tastes.”

Rarity’s eyes held the ‘kumberbuzzle’ with a ten-foot pole. “I can’t interest you in anything more… conventional? There’s a nice blazer over there that goes well with your eyes-”

“If anything here was showing blazzle or felicity, I might be interested, but alas this is not the case,” Glitz harrumphed.

Fire leapt up in Rarity’s eyes, but it was split evenly between the two. “Three payments of eight, dear: we’re running a sale.”

“Oh, lucky day,” Glitz beamed. “I’ll just take this kumberbuzzle, then. Can I make all the payments now? I have the bits.” He laid out three stacks of gold coins on the counter.

“Lovely,” Rarity said, sweeping the bits into the till. “Thank you for shopping at…” Her eye twitched at the alleged accessory. “Thank you for your business. Have a nice evening.”

“I will!” Glitz called over his shoulder.

“And don’t forget to mention Dogbert Consulting to your friends and relatives: referrals are our bread and butter!” Dogbert called. When the door had shut, he turned to Rarity. “Now that that’s out of the way, we can discuss my commission-”

Rarity’s eyes were flint. “Commission? This is a respectable establishment, Mister Dogbert. It does not employ cons.”

“It’s not a con if the customer wanted his mind made up for him,” Dogbert shrugged. “I just tacked on a little extra as a service fee. He was a lot of work, after all.”

“It does not matter how much work he was: there was a contract of trust which you abused in my shop,” Rarity spat.

“Which you allowed to be abused in your shop,” Dogbert pointed out.

“Only because I did not believe the oaf would fall for such a transparent load of horseapples until it was too late,” Rarity said. “Is it not reasonable to expect a certain amount of sense out of everypony?”

“In my experience, not at all,” Dogbert said. “Now about my commission-”

“You tacked on four bits,” Rarity observed, sweeping them from the till in the blue aura of her horn. “I charge a one bit fee for use of my premises without prior permission or familiarity whatsoever.” Clink. “One for the unauthorized filling of a special order.” Clink. “And two in lost goodwill.” Clink. Clink. “That leaves you nothing! Good day, sir!”

“What about the show?” Dogbert asked.

Rarity glared at him tightlipped, but the corner of her mouth betrayed her. “Fine, one bit for the show.” She tossed a bit over the counter. “Now we’re closed. Get out.”

“I would, but the door is jammed,” Dogbert reminded her.

“The door leads nowhere. You couldn’t have come in that way,” Rarity asserted.

“Could you at least have a look at it?” Dogbert asked.

Rarity heaved a huge sigh. “Fine,” she groaned, rolling her eyes.

They marched over to the ordinary white wood door in question. Rarity jiggled the handle in her magic. It rattled, but despite the lack of a keyhole, it did not open. “See? Jammed- wait.” As her horn went closer, her brow creased. “That’s odd. I’ve never noticed it having any particularly magical properties.” She raised an eyebrow. “Especially not such... sketchy magical properties.”

“So it looks like I’m not getting home tonight,” Dogbert observed. “Is there an inn around?”

Rarity sized him up. “If you truly have no place to stay, I insist you stay here,” she decided. “I can smell trouble all over you, and you are most certainly not going to swindle anypony else. Tomorrow, a friend of mine can examine this door and find a way to get you home.”

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” Dogbert said. “I hear dog dander is a known carcinogen and-”

“Oh, right… of course,” Rarity said with a step forward. “My veterinarian friend sees those cases all the time. She’ll set you right: just four days and four nights with two capsaicin enemas each. Cleans your mouth right out.”

Dogbert blinked. “No, ma’am, that won’t be necessary.”

“But you’re showing all the symptoms, poor dear,” Rarity cooed. “I’d be a terrible pony if I just let you wallow in them.” Her eyes were steel.

“Actually, I might have taken that study out of context,” Dogbert backpedaled. “Yep, most certainly out of context.”

“Then we have an understanding, Mister Dogbert?” Rarity looked him right in the eye. He nodded. “Very well, I am afraid my room is the only quarters available, but with some extra blankets, I’m sure we can make you reasonably comfortable on the floor. You are not to bother Opal: she is allowed to enforce this rule herself and tends to do so whether she is allowed or not…”

She led Dogbert upstairs to get him set up for the night.

Comments

[Dementia Ravenmane]

green isn’t your color…

A meh reference to a meh episode.

Otherwise, quite enjoyable. You write a good Dogbert.

[SirTruffles]

3516311
See, the thing with references is you have to make them quietly and in context, so if they fall flat they either don't register or your reader can pretend it's a coincidence

Glad you're liking it so far.

[lolcatsmanseven]

I love this! That is all. Get back to work writing this!

[SirTruffles]

3517027
Way ahead of you. I've actually got a bit in reserve already.

Thanks for reading!