I felt bad for drinking nearly all the water Finder collected while it was raining, but he assured me he had plenty more.
Don't believe they ever introduce themselves.
"Ever wonder why cat's are so good at being predators? It's because they're so good at being prey."
I like the rendition of "The best offense is a great defense."
"See Killing Joke is some pretty mean stuff. With just a touch it can instantly kill you, but usually it tries to play some kind of sick joke on you that kills you really slowly instead. Like say somepony is really clumsy and they fall all the time. One day they say that they hate the downy-pull stuff... uhh gravita or whatever it's called. Then one day, maybe even years later, Killing Joke get's to em, and the next thing they know they're flying away without anything to hold them down. True story by the way, totally saw it happen."
Acytualllyyyy... This is a bit of lore nitpick here for me. Killing Joke is a heavily dramitized Poison Joke. Killing Joke doesn't always kill slowly. Xenith starts bleeding out, and in PH, Blackjack also starts bleeding to death. There is instances of it taking a long time, yeah, and it doesn't always kill you. (Exhibit A: Fallen Glory) Killing Joke grants your innermost desire, Blackjack wanted to die and Fallen Glory wanted to fly again. For Xenith it was triggered by something she said. Project Horizons does a great job of explaining a lot of things in this universe, so I'll be basing a lot of my nitpicks on it.
I closed my eyes and focused, feeling the magic flowing through my body. After a moment I slowly moved my wing over the candle, and when I pulled it away the candle was lit with a bright little flame.
Ehh... I'm iffy about this. I liked the idea of a pegasus using magic, but don't at the same time. I liked the explanation though, but... didn't. The part with the Magic is weird. Could be extremely good or bad.
I'm done. This one's short because there isn't much wrong, plot wise. Defenitly your worst chapter in spelling though.
4157973 Thanks! I fixed those spelling errors and didn't find any more.
Don't believe they ever introduce themselves.
Apparently I didn't get several entire lines copied over from the G-Doc... how did I miss that? *fixed*
Yeah I realize Killing Joke isn't always the most threatening thing ever, but I'm talking about it through the perspective of somepony whose entire life was flipped upside down because of it, so I tried to exaggerate it a little.
In regards to the Pegasus magic, I figured this is where I'm either going to make or break a lot of readers. I spent a lot of time on this to ensure that I wasn't breaking Fo:E canon in the slightest, while still being able to conform to some of the ideas from the stories written by The 24th Pegasus. I'm going to explain it in more detail next chapter, so I figure if I still have half as many readers as I have now by chapter five, then I should be doing pretty good.
Thanks as always for the critique! I always appreciate the feedback
Well here's chapter three! Feel free to give any critiques and let me know if you see any spelling errors!
I think you see it.
Needs an ' before em. ex: 'em.
Don't believe they ever introduce themselves.
I like the rendition of "The best offense is a great defense."
Acytualllyyyy... This is a bit of lore nitpick here for me. Killing Joke is a heavily dramitized Poison Joke. Killing Joke doesn't always kill slowly. Xenith starts bleeding out, and in PH, Blackjack also starts bleeding to death. There is instances of it taking a long time, yeah, and it doesn't always kill you. (Exhibit A: Fallen Glory) Killing Joke grants your innermost desire, Blackjack wanted to die and Fallen Glory wanted to fly again. For Xenith it was triggered by something she said. Project Horizons does a great job of explaining a lot of things in this universe, so I'll be basing a lot of my nitpicks on it.
Ehh... I'm iffy about this. I liked the idea of a pegasus using magic, but don't at the same time. I liked the explanation though, but... didn't.
The part with the Magic is weird. Could be extremely good or bad.
I'm done. This one's short because there isn't much wrong, plot wise. Defenitly your worst chapter in spelling though.
Same as always, MOARRRR.
4157973 Thanks! I fixed those spelling errors and didn't find any more.
Apparently I didn't get several entire lines copied over from the G-Doc... how did I miss that? *fixed*
Yeah I realize Killing Joke isn't always the most threatening thing ever, but I'm talking about it through the perspective of somepony whose entire life was flipped upside down because of it, so I tried to exaggerate it a little.
In regards to the Pegasus magic, I figured this is where I'm either going to make or break a lot of readers. I spent a lot of time on this to ensure that I wasn't breaking Fo:E canon in the slightest, while still being able to conform to some of the ideas from the stories written by The 24th Pegasus. I'm going to explain it in more detail next chapter, so I figure if I still have half as many readers as I have now by chapter five, then I should be doing pretty good.
Thanks as always for the critique! I always appreciate the feedback