Prologue.
"What the heck?" Steve says to himself. "This does not make sense. How does this place have such good graphics? The trees look so... Real- it doesn't make any sense!" Steve walks around in the woods and then thinks to himself; why not try to get wood? He goes to a tree and punches it good and hard, but sees that he has taken some damage from it! What the hell? I should not be taking damage! Steve thought. He then notices that his health is not recharging. Ok... Why is my health not recharging? Steve thought. Fuck man what do I do...? Steve looks around a bit to find the edge of the woods and sighs in relief when he sees it. As Steve runs towards the edge of the woods he sees a village nearby. Awesome a village near my spawn- Even better, Steve thinks as he sprints to the village.
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Steve arrives at the village thinking that there would be squidwards (um, villagers!) Instead, he finds that the area is populated by ponies. As they all just stare at Steve, one walks up to him. Steve sees that she is purple and throws his eyes at the hair. He sees that it is dark blue with two streaks- one pink and one purple. She stares at him. Why is she staring, Steve thought. This is just getting creepy, maybe I should say something.
"Umm hi?" Steve says.
She smiles uncomfortably and Steve guesses that she is trying not to be shocked that he can talk.
"Um hi." the purple pony says.
"What's you're name?" Steve asked, trying not to be awkward.
"My name is Twilight Sparkle and you are?"
"Steve... it's Steve." He replied.
"Nice to meet you! If it's fine with you could we talk at my library?" Twilight says. She is obviously interested in this new species.
"Sure, why not?" Steve agrees.
As he walks over to a tree that is hollowed out he enters it. When he looks around he finds five more ponies and a dragon.
"Who's the dragon?" Steve asked, surprised. The only dragon he knew of was the ender dragon and it was deadly.
"Oh- hes my assistant. He helps me with cleaning the library." Twilight explains apathetically.
"Cool, but the dragon in my worlds a lot different." Steve says, a little stressed. He ignores Twilight's confused look and says, "The more important thing is I don't know where to live."
"You can live here." Twilight says.
"I'm not much of a bookworm, so sorry but no." Steve murmurs.
"You sound like Rainbow Dash... but thats okay, I guess.just tell me what you'd like so I can guess on who you should stay with."
"Well I'm loyal, I'm a adventurer person, I never back down to a challenge, and I love to do pranks. And that all I can think of."
Twilight beamed. "Rainbow Dash- down to the 'bookworm' core." Twilight turns to RD. "Are you okay with him living with you?"
Rainbow shrugs.“Sure, it would be nice to have some company. It can get pretty boring."
"Ok, your living with Rainbow Dash then." Twilight says. "I want to ask a few questions if that's fine with you." She magically takes a note and pen from the table next to her and begins scribbling things down.
"Um... okay, I guess." Steve says.
"Ok, what are you?" Twilight asks.
"I'm a human, basically we are the evolution of apes."
"Uh huh," Twilight says as she writes it down.
"Ok, where did you come from?" Twilight continues.
"I came from a world known as minecraftia." Steve explains.
"Ok, can you mate?" Twilight said. The question was unexpected and Steve jumped a little.
"Um, well yes." Steve says, blushing.
"Sorry but we need to know about you humans a little more to understand you. Now tell us the history of 'Minecraftia."
He spent a few hours talking about minecraftia. Twilight listened eagerly, occasionally taking notes. Eventually he concluded. "And that's all I know about minecraftia."
"Wow." Twilight said, wide eyed. "Now some more personal questions... How old are you?"
"I'm 22."
"Fluttershys the same age." Twilight giggled a bit. "Now, have you ever dated?"
"Nope."
"What were your parents like?"
"Well I never knew my parents.... I only ever had a brother."
"Ok, how did you get here?" Twilight continued to ask.
"Well I went through something known as the nether portal- basically it sends you hell."
"Hell? Is that like Tartarus?"
"Tartarus? I guess." Steve shrugged, a little confused.
"For confirmation, whats hell like?"
"Well before I landed here I saw a lot. I saw a monster- a rotten pig from the look of it. It is told that those things are human souls trapped in a ever lasting pain." He stops for a second. "Asfor the world, it's red- like, blood red. There was fire and lava everywhere. That's all I can say." Steve concluded.
He spent a few more hours talking and got to know their names. He had fun and boring times and then, when he was ready to go and live with Rainbow Dash, Twilight cast a cloud-walking spell on him so that he didn't fall through.
"How am I going to get up there?" Steve asked, looking up at Cloudsdale.
"Like this." Rainbow Dash takes his arm and she begins to fly to her house.
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After a short while Steve got to her house and she put him down on the cloud. Dang man this feels like the softest pillow in the world, he thinks.
"You were a lot heavier than I thought you'd be," Rainbow Dash pants and wipes sweat off her forehead.
"Yep..." Steve agrees, even though he didn't know how heavy he really was.
"Anyways, time to hit the sack I guess." Rainbow Dash said.
"Okay, I'll take couch." Steve says, looking at a couch made of clouds.
"Okay." Rainbow dash nods.
"Goodnight." Rainbow Dash says.
"Goodnight."
As he lies down on the couch, he falls asleep almost instantly.
I just saw a movie about Minecraft (documentary) and I said to myself ''It would be cool for their to be a Minecraft/Pony fic and my wish was answered.''
3418738 lol this is my first fanfic, I hope you did like it. peace.
one rain dasher there's a good one called the capitain of mining anddd pm me if ya need my help as a proofreader for this story rainbowskit
3425299 after I deleted it in about a hour I felt like a dick because you did it for fun, and I'm sorry but you're taking this too far and I don't have time to deal with hate comments and you made you're self look like a dick and acting like I'm the curse to mankind. Again I'm sorry but going to far. And also I toke some things from the 'everything wrong with Steve in a new world' and I did take in mind with want you said HECK I EVEN FOLLOWED SOME THINGS YOU SAID! That's why you should think twice before attacking people. I do read hate comments and I do learn from them.
3418738 oh and also minecraft adventures beyond but I like this one cause rainbow skit the writer, and his team (me LOL) is doing a job to make fanfiction Awsome THAT RIGHT RAINBOWSKIT?
3428480 THATS SO RIGHT!?
3429222lol
This is criticism, not hate and I say things that you might need to work on to improve your writing. If you don't want any negative feedback on your story, feel free to delete this comment now. No offense intended.
First off, you need to work on your paragraphs. ALOT of that text you could bunch together and it would make a lot more sense. Your spelling is decent but please specify the characters more as its hard to tell who's doing what a lot of the time. On top of that, the characters feel incredibly out of character- for example, Twilight feels way too at ease to letting a completely different species- let alone a stranger- into her home when she doesn't know what the species motives are, where it came from, etc. She doesn't even question any of it!
You also need to work on your 'show and not tell'. That is, rather that blatantly saying: she cried, you could say her eyes began to leak. Crappy example but that's the idea behind show and tell.. Final thing: pace it more and work on staying in one tense.
Heres an example of the first paragraph if you split it up and paced it a little more:
What the heck?" He (steve- needs specifying) says to himself, (.) "This does not make sense. How does it have this (these) good graphics?" (" not needed) The trees look so... Real(.) i(I)t doesn’t make any sense!(") Steve walk(s) around in the woods,(, not needed) (and) he (he not needed) thought to himself(;) why not try to get wood.(. not needed)(?) He goes to a tree and punches it good and hard, but sees that he takes some damage from it! What the hell! (! not needed)(?) I should not be taking damage! (Steve thought- needs specifying) And (and not needed) h(H)e notice(s) that his health is not recharging (. not needed) (and thinks,) (o)Ok... Why is my health not recharging? Fuck man(,) what do I do... Steve look(s) around a bit to find the edge of the woods(. not needed)(and eventually sees it.)HEY look the edge of the woods!(this entire sentence feels out of place/not needed) As Steve ran(runs?) at(to?) the edge of the woods to(with as at the beginning it should be a he, not a to) see(s) a village nearby. Awesome a village near (my) spawn(.) Even better... (... not needed/bad grammar)(Steve thought- needs specifying)(,) (n)Now sprinting to the village.
3432883dude you said hes instead of he's
3437488 hey dude don't hate he's my 2ed editor.
You need to make them speak more realistic.
3437702 I understand what you mean.
3437610>>3437610 I'm not. He should be the first cause he's better though.
3440392 yeah but you were my first editor before him so there for you're my first editor and he's my second.
3437488 If your trying to prove me wrong or rebut me, don't worry. The author already said hes fine with my criticism and asked me if I'd like to because his second editor. (over PM) I'm not looking to get into an argument over something like a simple mistake (everyone makes em' ) so its all good.
3441286 No I'm not. I am saying you skills are awesome and you should be first cause you're better.
3441403 Thats even cooler then.
I think what Rainbowskits saying is that he made you editor first so your his 'first' editor and he made me editor second so I'm his 'second' editor, quite literally. I don't think hes referring to actual rank, but I could be wrong.
3441417 Well he would be wrong if he was going by rank. Number and date... Right on the money.
3441505 My fathers an author- I guess that helps my writing/editing skills
3441621 I don't judge my editor by rank I just wanted to add that