The Monster from the Stars

by HoltBrony

Prologue:When The Monster Fell

As Twilight looked into her telescope at the night sky her wings, horn, and mane were feeling nice in the cool night breeze. Then suddenly something caught her eye, and she saw a rare sight a star was falling from the night sky.

Well actually it's a meteor due to it passing through our atmosphere, she thought to herself. "Wait what is that." As she looked into the telescope she saw something. "Is that a pony?" then she saw something through the fire surrounding the black pony a pair of wings, and a horn.. An Alicorn?

"Spike were are you?", Twilight heard a voice of a preteen dragon carried over the air "I'm coming Twilight". "Spike get a letter ready for Princess Celestia"

Spike went over to the writing supplies, and came back with a quill and paper. "What is this about Twilight?", Twilight turned to look at Spike. "I don't know Spike i just don't know".

- - - -

In the cold north of the Crystal empire a horn sat in the snow, surrounded by dark, errant crystals was the red horn of a fallen tyrant of the Crystal empire, King Sombra. His mortal body was destroyed, but his soul remained, waiting for just the right moment. As Sombra's soul sat in his horn he felt a presence of a great being coming to their world.

"Yess" Sombra hissed in his mind "This shall do nicely", Sombra began to formulate a plan for the coming hours to deal with this new arrival.

- - - -

Whoever this new alicorn was it was going to cause quite an uproar in Equestria. For you see this Alicorn..Was a monster.

Author's Note:

Here it is my first chapter of my fanfic crossover of my own story and character if someone or somepony wishes to hear more of this character I could post some of my comics pages on deviant art. I'm not the best speller or grammar so feel free to tell me if somethings wrong. Hope people enjoy it :) my deviant art is thecreatorofmonsters

Comments

[HoltBrony]

Here it is my first chapter of my fanfic crossover of my own story and character if someone or somepony wishes to hear more of this character I could post some of my comics pages on deviant art. I'm not the best speller or grammar so feel free to tell me if somethings wrong. Hope people enjoy it :) my deviant art is thecreatorofmonsters if you wish to see illustrations of this story.

[Bloodfin Wulf]

From out of the blue, it's time for Bloodfin's Review!

The concept of the story seems quite open and apparent, while the execution feels a bit lacking. I'm able to follow the story well although a lack of description makes it hard to feel the story instead of just reading it. As stated by the author use of grammar isn't exactly a strong point but that's more of a minor issue, I actually find more issues with the structure of the story. Lines if dialogue that are all part of one paragraph make it hard to distinguish who's speaking until the sentence is over. I also find that the chapter is lacking in terms of commas, let's look at an example;

In the cold north of the Crystal empire a horn sat in the snow surrounded by dark errant crystals was a red horn of a fallen tyrant of the Crystal empire King Sombra.

While it's easy to see what the author is trying to say the sentence just progresses too quickly, let's see how it could have been written;

In the cold north of the Crystal empire a horn sat in the snow, surrounded by dark, errant crystals was the red horn of a fallen tyrant of the Crystal empire, King Sombra.

Adding a few commas and amending the sentence slightly gives the same result, but with a more powerful effect. Despite it's shortcomings and few misspellings the concept is what sells this story overall, a little proof reading from a friend or family member accompanied by a little effort could make this story the next Anthropology.

My score: 3/10
Bloodfin Wülf