Became a brony about a year or more ago from a friend and have been an avid fan since and i have my own stories
In the Crystal Empire's snowy plains a new arrival to the pony world has arrived his name is Grithumbar Worldbreaker. Throughout the story he wishes to return to his home, and is willing to do whatever it takes. But the soul of the Dark King has survived and has been waiting for his opportunity to make his move. (Check out my pics on deviant art I will be making pieces to go with the story.) And now lets begin.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Here it is my first chapter of my fanfic crossover of my own story and character if someone or somepony wishes to hear more of this character I could post some of my comics pages on deviant art. I'm not the best speller or grammar so feel free to tell me if somethings wrong. Hope people enjoy it :) my deviant art is thecreatorofmonsters if you wish to see illustrations of this story.
There is so much wrong with your description, I shudder to think what the story's like.
@Lelouch Vi Britania: Hmmm thank you for bringing that to my attention i shall think of a rewrite for the description. All other versions I thought up came off as to movie trailer so i went with basic explanation. I appreciate feedback and ALL HAIL LELOUCH :)
From out of the blue, it's time for Bloodfin's Review!
The concept of the story seems quite open and apparent, while the execution feels a bit lacking. I'm able to follow the story well although a lack of description makes it hard to feel the story instead of just reading it. As stated by the author use of grammar isn't exactly a strong point but that's more of a minor issue, I actually find more issues with the structure of the story. Lines if dialogue that are all part of one paragraph make it hard to distinguish who's speaking until the sentence is over. I also find that the chapter is lacking in terms of commas, let's look at an example;
In the cold north of the Crystal empire a horn sat in the snow surrounded by dark errant crystals was a red horn of a fallen tyrant of the Crystal empire King Sombra.
While it's easy to see what the author is trying to say the sentence just progresses too quickly, let's see how it could have been written;
In the cold north of the Crystal empire a horn sat in the snow, surrounded by dark, errant crystals was the red horn of a fallen tyrant of the Crystal empire, King Sombra.
Adding a few commas and amending the sentence slightly gives the same result, but with a more powerful effect. Despite it's shortcomings and few misspellings the concept is what sells this story overall, a little proof reading from a friend or family member accompanied by a little effort could make this story the next Anthropology.
My score: 3/10
Bloodfin Wülf
Omg this is soooooo good don't stop don't stop is this a crossover with what?!?!
3545730 Thank you i shall consider that and I will take my time with writing the chapters. I'll edit the chapter with that line thanks for your explanation :) I will work on that. Once again thank you for the feedback appreciate it
3545739 It is a crossover with my character Grithumbar WorldBreaker of a race of lizard humanoids called Proxians. He is a genetically enhanced to be the ultimate weapon. Hes one of the bad guys in my friend and mines story. Long story short he ends up being beaten back into a wormhole and i thought to myself Cross-over potential. Also this could be exposure for my character while I have fun writing fanfic win win.
This is an excellent story already! Please write more! I can't wait to see what happens next, but I certainly will try! I did find one mistake. In Paragraph 4 in the second to last sentence, is that supposed to be "Now let's see what this body can do." or "Let's see now what this body can do."? Thank you for the story. I am currently writing my own crossover story and my first story. I hope you will read it!
Insta dislike!
3556121 um why you dislike? He is black so what?.. wait did you dislike my story just because of the description? please explain
3556178
Check out my profile. If I had a dollar for every time I explained this to an author who wrote another alicorn fic, I'd own this website, and everyone in it.
3556234 oh i see well mine is an alicorn for a reason not just for the sake of being an alicorn. My character Grithumbar comes into the pony world, and he is so powerful in his story (End Of Story hes essentially a god) it seemed an alicorn would be the most logical choice for what pony tribe he would be. So that's my reasoning have a nice day sir.
there shouldn't be the word "is" in that
whats this a crossover with and who is the dragon?
3556494 Thank you for telling me I missed that one..., Fixed.
3556499 As for the dragon, Garoshavann, is a being that is inside Grithumbar and at one point in my Story (not this one). Grithumbar goes inside of his inner being and fights the dragon (ONE of his inner demons). Then they stop because they have a common enemy then join forces, and they over time they grow to respect each other giving each other their say. Though if I were to say Grithumbar is kind of in charge but only because they agreed on him leading. Garoshavann is his own being but is the more destructive of the two because he has no connections while Grithumbar has many comrades he cares for and can't destroy. Grithumbar was born to, lives to, and his destiny is to destroy essentially everything in his Dimension. As you could imagine that causes him to have conflicting feelings constantly wanting to deny his call to destiny because what living being would want to be the murderer of all life. BTW he is the villain in me and my friends story which I write the villains side of the story.
3556601 WHATS YOUR FRIENDS STORY CALLED?
3556610 Still in progress but it's called Chronicles of Sectus.
The Protagonist is Sardis he is a young Androidian, a race of bio-synthetics, he is blamed for starting a war with the Proxians. Some minor characters include his brother Joseph, adopted sister Jade, childhood friend Ella ,a trio of angelic siblings oldest to youngest Avenir, Kerrus, their sister Rexalla, and a squad of elite soldiers Omega Team (my brain children on the good guys side) Grand Admiral Centaurus:leader, John'd: heavy weapon specialist, Brandar;Sniper, and Ruscan: Scout/driver.
The antagonists are a race of warlike superhuman lizard humanoid race called the Proxians specifically it's ruling generals (Zaquessa, Momossa, Oxceim, and others), Empress Elexis, and her adopted brother/protector Grithumbar. I am currently working on a comic telling the villains back story, their culture motivations, and the political and physiological pressure Elexis is under to go to war with the Androidians.
That's a basic overview of the story tell me what you think.
3556886 wanna read it
3556901 Yeah the story's in the alpha stages (my friends trying to write the first book, but is going back to make sure the plot holes get filled or removed we want it to be quality). My comic; I'm considering redrawing it before I finish because my art style has drastically improved over two years. I have the story all planed out just not finished. When I do the redrawing it will be manga black and white right to left. My favorite part of drawing my comic is the fight scenes god I love drawing those. Want to see a page?
3556948 sure
3556951 let me scan it..
3556963thecreatorofmonsters.deviantart.com/art/Lezard-vs-Illness-begins-416799473?ga_submit_new=10%253A1385781621
Cool story I like where this is going!
What is this a crossover of?
4254685 Well Its my own story and my own character thrust into the pony world. http://thecreatorofmonsters.deviantart.com/art/The-Tale-oF-Elexis-And-Grithumbar-Chapter-1-420780448 ,link to the title page of the comic I'm working on.
What is this a crossover of?
EDIT: Uh, sorry. I forgot that I already asked this question. Just ignore it.