Osiris, a human child is taken in my Princess Luna before she became Nightmare Moon, and this is his story when his mother is banished and he is turned to stone by Celestia's hoof.
Feels choppy and rushed. There's no real explanation for Osiris being in Equestria. There's no real plot to the story. How does a thousand years in a stone prison make the prince mentally capable of running a night court when he has absolutely no knowledge of modern law or customs?
Lastly, why is he named after the Egyptian goddess of life?
There seems to be no character depth at all so far other than seeing the mc be very arrogant and commanding. Silver seems nothing more than a concubine but will keep reading to see if this gets better or fixes some the plot and character issues.
“For a united Equestria.” I say before the power of the elements of harmony hit me, and I am magically turned to stone, and my mind hibernates until I am freed from my self wanted prison.
My body has hibernated, but my conscious was still at play. I heard, and saw everything that happened after I was turned to stone.
So, not only is your story annoyingly redundant but completely lacking in even the most basic of consistency?
I am a direct type of person so please don't be offended while I critique what I have read thus far. 1. Premise: interesting idea and one that I haven't seen before. Originality of any sort is a good thing. 2. Very little explanation on anything thus far in the story. You need a much, much, much longer and more in-depth background for Osiris (nice name by the way). 3. Osiris has armor. Why? Because . . . 4. Osiris can use magic. Why? Because . . . 5. Osiris has a magical construct that he can bang whenever he wants, and she looks Human and is apparently completely sentient. Why, how, what purpose? Because . . . 6. Celestia's Guards unquestioningly obey this person who looks nothing like a pony and has been gone from the world for a thousand years. Why? Because . . .
There are a ton of holes that badly need to be filled in in great detail. You could write a good ten chapters of 5000 words each and just barely cover the background. Reference the story: The Monster Of Canterlot for help. Good luck.
10063902 Osiris is 1016 years of age due to his time in stone. The age of consent in this version of equis is whenever you get your cutie mark, which is generally around age 13.
this chapter...
its good...
BRING ME ANOTHER!!
Feels choppy and rushed. There's no real explanation for Osiris being in Equestria. There's no real plot to the story. How does a thousand years in a stone prison make the prince mentally capable of running a night court when he has absolutely no knowledge of modern law or customs?
Lastly, why is he named after the Egyptian goddess of life?
You keep slipping into "I" again, instead of his natural "we" This is in first person, right?
There seems to be no character depth at all so far other than seeing the mc be very arrogant and commanding. Silver seems nothing more than a concubine but will keep reading to see if this gets better or fixes some the plot and character issues.
4500147 I agree
So, not only is your story annoyingly redundant but completely lacking in even the most basic of consistency?
I am a direct type of person so please don't be offended while I critique what I have read thus far.
1. Premise: interesting idea and one that I haven't seen before. Originality of any sort is a good thing.
2. Very little explanation on anything thus far in the story. You need a much, much, much longer and more in-depth background for Osiris (nice name by the way).
3. Osiris has armor. Why? Because . . .
4. Osiris can use magic. Why? Because . . .
5. Osiris has a magical construct that he can bang whenever he wants, and she looks Human and is apparently completely sentient. Why, how, what purpose? Because . . .
6. Celestia's Guards unquestioningly obey this person who looks nothing like a pony and has been gone from the world for a thousand years. Why? Because . . .
There are a ton of holes that badly need to be filled in in great detail. You could write a good ten chapters of 5000 words each and just barely cover the background. Reference the story: The Monster Of Canterlot for help. Good luck.
>> Author McGruffin i thought that was Anubis
4831654
Don't forget one thousand years in stone and he knows understands and executes perfect "modern" law ,on domestic violence no less.
I was not expecting this kind of a story this is awesome I've been trying to find a story like this and now I have so yay.
Uh, how old is Osiris again and what is considered adult age in Equestria for this fic?
10063902
Osiris is 1016 years of age due to his time in stone. The age of consent in this version of equis is whenever you get your cutie mark, which is generally around age 13.