My Neighbor Pinkie Pie

by MrEnter

Case I: Accident Prone (Act I)

"Hello, you wanted to see me sir?"

"Yes. Your little stunt nearly cost me my leg. Perhaps even my life."

"I-I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

"You've got that right. You're fired."

"I understand. I'll turn in my ID tomorrow morning."

"I'm afraid that won't be necessary."

"What are you talking about? I-is that a gun?"

"Just bought it. Now I couldn't be in good conscience if I left a walking disaster area alone, could I?"

"Sir, I—I'm sorry!"

A gunshot fired.

*****************

I woke up on the couch. My head was pounding from last night's endeavors. What they were I don't know. The harder I tried to think about them the more my head decided to hurt. The first thing I noticed past my blurred vision were multicolored balloons. The ground was covered with streamers. In the corner was a spilled punch bowl staining my carpet. I would have kept looking at the tornado around me if a crunching sound didn't break my concentration. I looked to see Pinkie Pie sitting on my recliner.

"Pinkie, what are you doing in my house!?" I groaned.

"Eating cereal."

I wiped away some of the previous night from my face. Sure enough Pinkie was sitting on my recliner eating cereal. I was pretty sure that I didn't even have cereal, but whatever. The next logical question would be how she got into my house, but judging from the scenery she probably never left. Speaking of the scenery, "what the hell happened last night?"

"Maybe it's better if you don't know," Pinkie giggled, "that way you can keep some of your dignity."

I rolled off of the couch and landed on something hard. The television turned on. The remote. Great. Some news broadcast was playing. I reached out behind my back and pulled out the remote. I looked around the room, trying to connect the dots. The more that I pieced together the more that I realized I didn't want to know.

I got up, and ran to the bathroom. Something needed to come out, and I didn't know which end it was going to come through. In the bathroom I leaned over the toilet and only then did I get an eye full of some sort of stuffed alligator. I grabbed it and that thing came to life and tried to bite my arm. I threw it across the room and it barrelled into the wall. It slid down towards the floor, keeping its same dead-eyed stare on me.

"Wow Jack, you are a riot," said a voice from the bathtub. Her head was resting on the edge of the tub. It was a pony with a rainbow-colored mane. If I ever knew her name, I didn't know it now.

"Did you spend all night in my bathtub?" I demanded, switching my attention back and forth between her and that alligator thing on the floor.

"Eh maybe," she said, nonchalantly, "don't really remember though."

"You and me both," I said. The pounding returned to my head.

"Right," she said, rolling her eyes, "and that thing on your neck is just a bruise. You know what you did."

I panicked and looked in the bathroom mirror. About a couple of seconds before I found out that there was nothing there, she hit the porcelain, laughing hysterically. I picked her up, much to her chagrin, and kicked open the bathroom door. Pinkie Pie was still eating cereal and watching television. I gritted my teeth.

"Hey Pinkie! Does this belong to you?" I asked.

"Oh hey Rainbow! I didn't know you were here!"

"Funny thing about that. I didn't know she was here either," I shot. Then I looked Rainbow in the eye. "Are you going to walk out of here, or am I going to have to carry you out of here?"

"You know what, I'm feeling lazy. Why don't you carry me," she said, and she gave me a cheeky grin.

Well she did ask for it. I grabbed her tail and held her upside down as I made my way to the front door. She struggled to escape my grip, waving her hooves and wings around like crazy. Pinkie didn't even notice. She was far too focused on the television. I opened my front door and got hit by the bright sun shining on my face. I used my hand to block out the sunlight and saw something that caused my expression to falter.

"Is that your underwear hanging from the power lines?" Rainbow asked.

I didn't answer, leading her to burst out laughing once again. I let go of her tail and she banged her head on the concrete stoop. Before I could hear her cursing me out, I went back into the house and locked the door behind me. She began to kick at the door. Each pound felt like it shot straight at my migraine. I walked back up into my house. Either she'd break the door, or she'd get tired of it eventually. I really didn't care. I picked up the punch bowl and the remote, and turned off the television.

"Hey, turn that back on!" Pinkie shouted, practically panicked.

"Oh, I'm sorry, were you watching my TV in my house while I was picking up what I can only presume is your mess?"

"I'll help you clean it up later, but please, turn it back on!"

I decided to oblige her. The television turned on. It was just a brief announcement about some pony—Cloudkicker, I think her name was. She had apparently gone missing. People and ponies go missing all the time. I don't know why this was so much of a concern to her. Still, she looked entranced by it.

"Do you know this pony?" I asked.

"Yeah, I mean, not well, but still, I talked to her just a few days ago. Do you think that she's...?" Pinkie began, unable to finish.

"It's too soon to tell. She's only been missing for one day, right? There could have been any number of things that could be happening. She could have passed out in an alley somewhere," I said, reaching for the first thing in my mind. The look that Pinkie shot me made me realize that I probably should have been more tactful.

"I don't think she would have done that. She's got a filly. I remember the two of them going into the bakery together. I couldn't imagine her drinking. Something terrible must have happened. You've got to investigate!"

"Isn't that something that the police would do?"

"They won't."

"What? Why not."

"They don't," Pinkie said, dejectedly. Her eyes fell to the floor.

"What do you mean?" I said, becoming increasingly worried of what I was uncovering.

"'People are our priority,'" she said sarcastically. "They don't take us seriously, at least, not until it's too late. Please, you've got to investigate. I-I'll pay you myself."

"You do know that I'm a homicide investigator, not a private investigator, right?" I said. That made me realize that I was most likely extremely late for work. However, a brief glimpse at my watch told me that it was Sunday. I tapped it to make sure it was working before I breathed my sigh of relief.

"Well, maybe you'll investigate in about a month or so after the police are cleaning out their backlog," she said, staring out my window. We sat there, totally still in silence for a couple of moments.

"Tell me everything you know about Cloudkicker," I sighed.

She ran over and tried to hug me. I stopped her and pointed to the random debris strewn about my house. She stopped and nodded. I sat down on the couch and thought about what I had just agreed to. My head was still pounding. Was I really in my right mind. I looked to Pinkie Pie who was running around the house with a vacuum cleaner and that alligator-thing on her head. I decided that the best way to figure out where you're going is moving forward.

"Where does Cloudkicker live? The first thing we should do is ask her family everything that they know."

Comments

[Meestor Pugglypup]

Duuuude this is gonna be FRICKIN' AMAAAZIING!!!!

[Howling Wolves]

Wait, are we in the human world or the pony world? I'm guessing this is in a combined world seeing as how neither party is surprised by the other, which still begs the question on how this world functions and how each species live their lives having to deal with one another. Defiantly very intriguing.