Freemane's Mind

by nucnik

Episode Three: Career Change

The Salt Block was a small saloon in the middle of the town, if I can even call it that. An overgrown treehouse would be more appropriate, but I guess that’s not so important right now because the only thing that was stranger than this being called a town was that everypony in it was dressed like they’d escaped from a western.

This stinks. At least Ponyville was a nudist colony.

I drank a bathtub’s worth of water and the filthy glasses meant I got some lunch as well. Better than nothing. Then I got some actual food to eat, but it disappeared so quickly I can’t tell what it was, only that it filled my stomach. After fending off dehydration and starvation I was slowly preparing to enact the plan. Seamless infiltration was key.

“So this town’s as old as old Sunb- Princess Celestia, huh?”

“What? You must have misheard me, stranger.” He said that with the same obnoxious smile he always had. “I told you we built it in the last year.”

I guess I should have paid attention to what he was saying on the way here.

“Oh, yeah. Sorry about that, I’m still a bit dopey.”

OK, strike one. Focus.

What he told me could have caused a problem in my otherwise watertight plan of pretending to be a wizard. I was the only unicorn in town, after all, but if it really was only a year old then the inhabitants must have come from somewhere else and the probability of them really being backwards hicks just got a little bit lower. I could have been talking to the exception rather than the rule all this time. I had to get some more information before I could continue and the fact I had mostly ignored him while we were walking here wasn’t helping.

“So, uh, what is it that you do here?”

His eyes lit up and I immediately knew that I’d said something wrong. It was the kind of look you get from some Eco-hippies when you ask them why you should care about the dolphins and they don’t perceive the sarcasm so you’re treated to an hour long lecture on the benefits of soy bean plantations that make the soil richer in minerals and - dammit I remember way more than I ever wanted from that!

Please, don’t let this be a lecture. Please?

“I’m glad you asked partner. Let me show you around!”

You must have grown up in a quarry. Or a windmill. Nopony talks as loud as that unless they've had a noisy childhood.

“OK, but I have to warn you-“

He pushed me out of the saloon before I could finish that sentence and dragged me around to every noteworthy place they had. I saw all the major buildings in Appleloosa and I use that term loosely. Heh. Appleloosa – loosely. I crack me up. Anyway, there wasn’t really much to see in this mislabeled village. Then we got to the activities the ponies here considered fun. From the horse-drawn carriages to the horse-drawn, horse-drawn carriages. He was very proud of that pun. I would have shot myself in the hoof if I ever sounded like that. Probably all four hooves, but not before going way out into the desert with a bag over my head. Wouldn’t want the vultures to recognize me or I’d run the risk of them ignoring me out of rightful spite.

But I’ve been in the desert and I didn’t see any vultures. Where did they go?

Our little walk continued for some time, only this time I forced myself into listening so I would get as much insight into the living conditions and mating rituals of the locals as possible. Every time we stopped I came one step closer to confirming my initial observation: jackpot. The ponies may have moved here within the last year but their mentality was perfect for this place, which also meant it was perfect for my plan. This had the added bonus of making me happier with every minute, which my tour guide took as a sign of love for the town. A win-win! To his credit, he was only half wrong.

I love your town. I really do. I love how it’s going to make me rich.

Things couldn’t have been going better if chocolate started raining from the sky. The town was as remote and calm as I could have hoped for and somewhere during his enthusiastic blabbering my new friend even offered me a place to stay. Then came the big one: a valley full of apple trees. In the middle of a desert.

What the hay is this? I thought I was supposed to be the wizard here.

“This isn’t right…”

“You were saying stranger?”

I was half-sure he was playing me for a fool. Nopony has ever grown apples in the middle of the desert. I was stuck for words. He was also still referring to me as "stranger", so he clearly hadn’t bought the whole Moon thing.

“Nothing.” I tried sounding as indifferent as I could. “So, one year ago this was a wasteland, uh?”

“No, not a wasteland. A desert.” Big difference. “Then we came here an’ built the town an’ planted the trees!”

Sure you did. An entire town in a year and the trees were given growth hormones, right? Or did you bring them here on a train? Probably in the sleeping cart as well?

I chuckled.

“Huh?”

“Oh, I was just thinking of how awesome it is, what you’ve done here.”

I had a hard time saying that with a straight face, but instead of the expected “thank you,” or something along those lines, he dropped his head and scraped the ground with his hoof.

“Well, to be perfectly honest, we did have some trouble with the local buffalo.” There was remorse in his voice. “Turns out we built the orchard right in the middle of their running grounds.”

I was surprised by how apologetic he was. I’d always assumed that buffalo were somewhere along the lines of cows, only with a wild side the system couldn’t stand. They were rebels in a way.

Cow power go!

“We even had a bit of a conflict, but thankfully my cousin-”

Wait, what? A conflict?

That was even worse. He stopped speaking when he saw me looking at him in disbelief. I had to know if this town was as crazy as I was just lead to believe.

“What?...”

“How can you have a conflict with steak?”

“What?!”

He wasn’t very happy about that, but somepony had to say it.

Are you deaf or stupid? Don’t ask him that.

“I’m just saying, those buffalo are a lot more likely to end up as my saddlebags or on a plate than-“

“You don’t even eat meat!” He was really furious for some reason and I was starting to wonder if the heat hadn't gotten to him as well. “And you don’t have saddle bags!”

Thanks for rubbing it in! Prick.

“Well I don’t eat meat but the griffons do! And I don’t know how you think saddlebags are made but cows don’t just undress themselves.”

Check and mate!

I don’t really know how to describe the silence that followed, only that it lasted some time and he looked at me like I was the idiot in this conversation. Me, the most brilliant mind in all of Equestria! Either way, it was clear that this was now a waiting game and I intended to win.

“You …” he started and trailed off while pointing at me with his hoof. “That was amazin’!”

I know, I’m always – wait, what?

He started laughing and didn’t stop until he was out of breath and crying on the dirt below us. I had no idea what was going on, only that this would normally be the point where the patient would be restrained by a strait-jacket and dragged off for some involuntary electro-shock therapy. So I stood there, waiting for him to finish and looking around for anything I could use in defense for when he would actually snap. He recovered before I could decide.

“That… that was brilliant!” Some more laughing and chuckling ensued as he got back up, “you damn bastard! Why didn’t you tell me you were a comedian from the start?”

Comedian? But I wanted to be a wizard! They’re cooler!

“Well, you know. A magician never reveals his tricks!”

There’s still hope, right?

“The name! Is should have known when you told me yer name. Crescent Silvershade Moon. What is that, yer stage name?”

“Uhm, yes. Yes, it’s my stage name.”

“And that cutie mark. I don't get the symbol but the crowbar? What's that for; crackin' jokes?"

Lambda. And I hate you.

"Oh, I should’ve known. The boys at the saloon are gonna be delighted to hear this one!”

Oh no, he’s going to make me perform for a live audience isn’t he? Damn it, I have to get out of this!

He kept laughing even as he nudged me to go back to town and I got a sinking feeling that everything just went horribly wrong. It wasn’t just that I was going to have pretend to be a comedian; there was something else as well. Something wasn’t right with the whole picture. There was a nagging feeling burrowing ever deeper in the back of my mind the whole way back to the town and that’s when I noticed something I should have seen from the start. Everything was quaint. In a strange way. I couldn’t quite put my hoof on it, but there was an unnerving peace to it. The kind you get when you suddenly notice that the boss is visiting the lab and you’re busy stuffing your saddlebags with everything that's not nailed down. And then when he’s there, you’re making small talk while wondering if he noticed how strangely clean your workplace is. Only I was the boss here.

“Say, Brown Burn-“

“Braeburn.”

Whatever…

“How come you ponies chose this place anyway?”

I don’t normally bother myself with why some idiot moved somewhere. I mean, I don’t care why Sunbutt and Megaphone built Canterlot way up on the side of the mountain but then I’m not inbred royalty, so I probably wouldn’t get it even if I cared. They have a fetish for those kinds of things. But this was a brand new town miles away from civilization. They had to build everything from scratch and I just couldn’t get why. There were no natural resources except for sand and those trees. The clothes were another issue altogether.

“Ow shucks, now that’s a story for a whole evening!” Oh no. “But seen’ as how I have to get to apple buckin’, I’ll give you the short version.”

Thank you, sweet Sunbutt! Now to get out of performing at the saloon.

“Why don’t I help you with that?” He looked at me all surprised like and I was again thankful to my brain for how quickly it works. “Well, the way I see it is you pretty much saved my life when you got me out of the desert and I want to repay it.”

That was the most difficult thing I've ever had to say.

I was lucky he either didn’t notice or didn’t care about the spasm in my neck as I said that. Instead, he said: “OK,” and we were on our way to his place to pick up some supplies for the apple bucking. The only thing he added once we got there was: “You’re welcome t’ stay here as long as you want!” We went back to the apple orchard with a cart and some barrels.

“Now this is how you buck an apple tree.”

I zoned out while Braeburn kicked the trees and talked about them as if they were rocket science.

You don’t really need to have a doctor’s degree to buck apples; the fact that I have one is just adding insult to injury!

“So, do you understand?”

“Yeah, I think I’ll manage.”

I lazily got in front of the nearest apple tree I could find, turned around and kicked it with all the force I could muster. The good news was that I kicked it hard. The bad news was that I was instantly reminded of the importance of the Third Law of Motion. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Don’t let him see the pain. Don’t let him see it.

“Uggh.”

OK, you let that one slip, but that’s enough.

“Are you OK?”

“I’m. Perfect.”

I slowly removed my nearly shattered hooves from the tree trunk and lowered them to the ground. Braeburn grew a smug smile.

“So, about the town?...”

“Oh right.” He moved from tree to tree as he talked and bucked while I pushed the cart to catch the falling apples. “You see, a bunch of us farm ponies wanted to get together to grow apples – but the problem was, we were getting’ together from all over Equestria – and it didn’t seem fair to anypony that we should move to some existing town where one of us had lived – so we decided to build a new town far away from our homes. This way – every pony sacrifices the same and shows his dedication to this new community.”

Yeah, and that’s why you chose the middle of the desert. I’m sure it was perfect.

“We’ve been buildin’ and growin’ ever since.”

It’s not like there are empty fields East of here. I flew over them, I know!

“Now that you know our story, do you mind if I ask you yours?”

Hold on. That whole getting-together speech sounded a bit too perfect. You could even call it rehearsed. Let’s recap: an entire town built in a year – check. Far from anywhere – check. Perfect view of surroundings – check. Train tracks – check… Uh-oh.

I was happy the Sun was out so I could blame it on my sudden sweat attack if he got suspicious, as it suddenly dawned on me that this wasn’t some quaint town far away living the quiet life. There was something seriously wrong with it. I should have known the moment I saw the way they dressed and talked. Everything was overdone.

None of this is real. Everypony here is playing a role. They really did bring those trees here by train! I - might be in trouble.

The good news was that I hadn’t been arrested up until that point, which meant the town hadn’t yet received any news out of Canterlot. Either that or my incredible escape was being covered up to spare the Royal Guards some shame and the towns outside of Canterlot were just being kept up to date with the stuff that directly concerned them. Or so I hoped.

“You look mighty pale all of a sudden, are you feeling all right?” Braeburn interrupted my thoughts and then laughed in a not very reassuring way, “You really don’t get along with the Sun, do you?”

“No. No, I do not.”

I hope that went over your head.

It was only now that I noticed he had stopped bucking and was looking at me, expecting my awesome tale of fighting through the desert to get here. There was one thing bothering me, though; the way he was staring at me. The smile was gone, his eyes were more focused than I’d seen them the whole day long and he was facing me directly with his whole body.

Wow, this almost feels like I’m being interrogated.

“So, Crescent – can I call you Crescent? – what were you doin’ out there in the desert in the first place?”

OK, I’m being interrogated. Act cool.

“What do you mean what was I doing in the desert?! I can go whenever I want!”

Now see, that was stupid.

“I thought so.”

Before I had a chance to reply I heard hoofsteps all around me. I glanced behind on both sides and saw a dozen shadows slowly cornering me.

“What’s this?!”

“Oh nothin’.” Braeburn slowly paced toward me with the same unnerving look in his eyes. “It’s just that – well, it’s a terrible coincidence, isn’t it? Your arrival here?” I understood that I shouldn’t move as he slowly and closely went around me. “I mean, you could have come by train as a tourist and nopony would think to look twice. Or you could have come as a courier or a salespony, or – ANYTHIN’! -” that got the hair on my back standing up, “but you chose to come here the hard way. What, didn’t think you’d get noticed coming here at night? Or were you playing on the sympathy card all along?”

Night? But it’s daytime! Are you high? And what sympathy?! Why are you standing so close?

He was seriously violating my personal space now with his muzzle so close to mine I was starting to wonder if I was on a blind date and this was the surprise kiss. I know that sounds silly, but there really aren’t that many situations outside of surprise matchmaking where you’re being surrounded by a group of ponies you can’t see and having one standing so close to you that you can physically feel the humidity of his breath. Then it hit me.

“This is a trap, isn’t it?”

I guess my cover was pretty bad. So now they’re probably going to capture me and turn me over to Celestia for a bounty. I might be able to escape-

Then it hit me again, only literally this time. Getting a horseshoe to the head from behind isn’t an experience you ever forget, but I have to admit I was kind of enjoying the hazy feeling of seeing and feeling the world around me as if it was a dream while being dragged to some shack on the other end of the orchard. It wasn’t the first time something like this had happened so I just went along for the ride. I passed out when they opened the door.

Luna!... gmgph… what are you… but your sister… hnhsn…oh, that kind of party? Hehehe… Don’t go now… I was just getting the jam!

I slept well. So well in fact, that I cursed the Sun when the whole room lit up in the morning. Then I remembered where I was and sobered up instantly. Luna’s punishment would have to wait. Mine wouldn’t. I was chained to the bed, only not on the bed like the previous morning, but to the steel bedpost in front of it. My favorite captor was looking at me from across the room. I'd been in this kind of situation before, and I knew the best way to disarm somepony trying to get information from you is to act normal.

“Ah, it’s morning already. What did I miss?”

I can’t say that it worked, but I can’t say that it failed either. At least it wiped the tone of aggression off his face.

“Oh boy, you’re a chatty one all of a sudden?” Again, he approached me. Predictable. “You don’t seem too scared of what’s gone down, so I reckon you know exactly why you’re here. So let’s make this quick. Who sent you?”

The mighty goblin of despair. Or even better, say-

He cut me off before I had a good answer.

“Shining?” Who? “Celestia?” What?! “Or was it Apple Strudel even? I know how much he wants to sabotage me, but he’ll just have to move on. So, who was it?!”

“I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about.” He was about to turn to throw a punch, but I intercepted him with a calm, rational plea. “WAIT! What I meant was - I thought you were going to turn ME in to Celestia or the Royal Guards. And I don’t even know the other two you’ve mentioned.”

It’s working, go on.

“The reason why I came from the desert was because I got dumped in the forest by a dragon that I was flying on until it got attacked by the Wonderbolts and I wanted to get as far away from Canterlot because I’m a wanted pony there, so I walked along the tracks to the nearest town but got hammered by the Sun.”

Breathe in.

Braeburn nudged his head and I could see him going through everything in his mind. He was still looking at me, but with a certain detachment that you only get from ponies that have had their mind thoroughly blown. I could swear there was smoke coming out of his ears and at the same time I knew just how unbelievable my story must have seemed, although I still maintain that it was more convincing than the stuff he told me about Appleloosa. But then again, I wasn’t lying, unlike somepony, even though I didn’t mention the gems for obvious reasons.

“That is the most unbelievable story I’ve heard in a long time.”

I’m glad at least one of has that feeling.

He came close to me, looked me in the eye and kicked into the chains to make me squirm. Of course, I didn’t actually squirm, that was just his intent. I had to pretend to make him feel better. He pulled away a bit after that failure, during which I was in no way wondering if he was going to start beating the crap out of me and explained my situation like a true mobster should.

“Here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to stay here until you decide to tell the truth. It’s gonna get very hot in a few hours, seein’ as how this here shack’s in direct sunlight and I wouldn’t count on anypony bringin’ you water anytime soon. I will have to gag you though and I’m sorry fer that.”

“Wait! Whablegargha—“

This is my reward for telling the truth?! Are you kidding me?

He walked out and slammed the door behind him. I could hear the metal lock being thrown against the wooden frame of the door and the sound of a chain dangling against itself. Clearly I was stuck, but I never fail to find some motivation for escaping as soon as possible.

Damn it, it’s getting warm in here. And I have to pee.

I shifted around as much as I could and took a good look at the shack I was in. It was an old construction shack that must have been abandoned after the town was built. Only instead of demolishing it, which would have saved me a lot of trouble at this point, somepony decided to convert it into a temporary storage yard for the orchard. There were old wheelbarrows and shovels along with a whole bunch of other farming equipment next to some dusty furniture to my sides and I already knew there was a bed behind me seeing as how, you know, I was chained to it and all. The only way in or out was the door directly in front of me. The windows were boarded up, so that was another option, but I had a feeling I would sooner kick my way through the wooden planks of the shack than the thick new wood that covered them.

Wait a minute. I woke up chained to a bed yesterday as well. If I look at it that way, my situation isn’t actually any worse. Except for the inevitable heat stroke. That could be a problem.

Realistically, things weren’t looking as good as I was telling myself, but what I didn’t know at the time was that while I was keeping myself optimistic and looking for any way to escape, mail had arrived to Appleloosa. I pulled against the chains, only to hear the disappointing sound of metal grinding on metal.

So the chains really won’t break, that’s good to know. It eliminates one possibility. And the bed is screwed to the floor. I guess they’ve had somepony lift it before, huh?

I was obviously dealing with pros. Every piece of furniture and equipment that I wasn’t directly chained to was just far enough away that it was out of reach. The bed wasn’t moving and there was no way I was getting the cloth out of my mouth. It was doing a fine job sucking every bit of moisture out of my mouth, I will say that! And then I remembered what my plan was all along.

What am I doing? I’m a unicorn! I’ll just... hmm. Throw things at the walls? But what good would that do?

The chances of them not guarding the shack were about the same as those of the shack not being completely isolated from the rest of town. The best I could hope for if I really started throwing things around was a kick to the head to get me to shut up. And it’s not like I could just teleport out of there because I couldn’t see my destination. Or know the spell. Once again I wished I’d paid more attention in Magic class, or that I’d at least chosen one subject that wasn’t related to science. But no, I had to take Advanced Physics instead of Common Magic.

If I levitate that shovel over the door and release it when he comes in… no, then I’m still stuck in the middle of nowhere with a few extra enemies to worry about.

The fact that I was still alive in the first place meant they had to want something from me, which in turn meant that somepony was coming back for me. So I decided to play the waiting game. That doesn’t mean I didn’t get bored.

How long are they going to leave me here like this? Let’s see… how long would I keep somepony prisoner if I wanted him to talk? I guess that depends entirely on how valuable the information he had would be and who specifically it was. I mean, if it would be just some courier doing his job, I guess I would check up on him every hour or so. I’d want to scare him, but not kill him. If it was that pink thing from Ponyville though, then all bets are off. I hope I’m not the pink pony to these guys.

I shuddered at the though. Then I remembered what the difference between this morning and the one before that was.

I could really use a giant muffin right about now. One with a purple potion inside of it. Or any other kind of potion, I’m not picky! Derpy? Are you here?

I waited patiently for a full minute.

You traitor! You get me out here and-

Hoofsteps were coming toward the shack and a moment later somepony started unlocking the door.

Sorry! I thought you left me here to rot, but I know you would never do that. And I didn’t know you could read minds, so there’s something new.

The door opened and a familiar gray Pegasus that wasn’t gray or a Pegasus walked in. Braeburn was back, looking a bit worse for wear than how I’d seen him not one hour ago. He was sweating and all that aggression from before was magically gone. I could see a newspaper sticking out of his right saddlebag. He came to me and took the cloth out of my mouth. Then, before I could say anything, he showed me the newspaper. Surprisingly, my daring escape from Canterlot wasn’t the headline. There were more pressing matters to report about. A shaded drawing of a dragon flying over some burning buildings, spitting fire, was the main focus.

Hey, Old Yeller did make it to Ponyville! I wonder what happened to the Wonderbolts?

There was a smaller picture inserted into the drawing, along with a caption.

Oh.

It suddenly got very hot and I don’t think the rising temperature in the shack had much to do with it.

“So you really did fly it?”

Braeburn’s eyes were the size of dinner plates. While I was busy slowly nodding – like a boss - he pulled out a key from a lowboy near the door. I have to admit that the hiding place for the key was quite brilliant. I never would have thought of looking at the one piece of furniture closest to the door for it. Then he turned back to me and unlocked the chains.

“Come on. Let’s go.”

He said that in a completely numb voice, probably still trying to wrap his head around me riding a dragon. Then he mechanically waved a hoof at the door and I got up.

“Where are we going?”

“We're gonna meet with the gang. I think we could use somepony like you.”

To rule? OK, I’m up for that.

We walked back to the town and went to the Salt Block once again – I had gathered by then that it was just about the only gathering place in the whole town – only this time, we went around the back.

Typical. A shady group getting together in the backroom of the town saloon. And I guess the barkeep is in on it, huh?

There were two Earth ponies and a Pegasus waiting in the room, and once we sat behind the round table, the barkeep brought drinks and went away. I noticed they all wore identical hats, only with different colors. I knew where this was going.

Let me guess. They’re going to be named by the color-

“I want you to meet the gang. Here we have” he went around pointing at everypony in a clockwise direction, “White, Blue and Yellow; I’m Orange and,” he reached out for a purple hat and gave it to me, “this one’s yours if you care to join us on our little adventure.”

What’s this? I haven’t even sat down and I’m being recruited? And I still have to pee! And, actually…

“Your hat isn’t even orange, it’s brown? What gives?”

The other three looked at him in surprise. He looked up to the rim of his hat as well and smiled.

“That’s to ward off the any nosy detectives. And besides, my mane is.” He winked and approached me, then put a hoof on my shoulder, “I see I did right to bring you here.”

Being accepted into a gang wasn’t exactly high on my list of priorities, but given the circumstances, I couldn’t complain. Literally, or I could have ended up as fertilizer for those damn trees. But before I could make a brilliant speech about how proud I was to be part of whatever they were doing, I really had to pee, so I shoved Braeburn’s hoof aside.

“Uhm, I really have to – go.”

He told me where to go and after a few unnervingly satisfying minutes, I was back, as relaxed as if I were in a spa. It was time to get down to business, which of course meant making sure the table was full of cider. This was still a hick town after all. And I have to admit that the cider wasn’t all that bad once you got used to it. Growing those damn trees in the middle of a desert gave it a little zing, the kind missing from your average hick drink and the salt wasn’t half bad either. It was either that, or the cider suddenly got so good due to the fact that I was practically trapped in a mob town. Strange how that muddies the perspective.

If I drank enough of this I might even not want to kill everypony here.

The interrogation that began in the orchard continued, only in a much more relaxing way. We spent the afternoon slowly drinking while I made up some additional details of how I came to be here and passed them on to my new group. It wasn’t that difficult – I made up a quick story about how I stole some diamonds from the Canterlot Museum, threw in a borderline believable part about a favor-owning-dragon for good measure and kept the whole thing short and sweet. The most important part though, was that I made sure to tie those things in to the parts they already knew had happened.

They always say you shouldn’t make too much up when you’re telling a story, but that doesn’t work at all. I mean, what are you going to say if you’re a rock farmer? “I ate potatoes all my life and then I died?” No. It doesn’t work that way.

“Then I fell from the dragon and landed in a forest. You should have seen the things that went after me there!...”

Again, I used the things that had actually happened to me in the last couple of days to ward off any hidden lie detectors they may have had, then just replaced the Hate Parade from Ponyville with some made up creatures I called the Timberdogs, renamed the Pink Menace to the Glowing One for added effect and made the zombie into a zombie. That last part wasn’t that original, but then it didn’t have to be!

At least there are no zombies here, although Blue does look a bit malnourished.

“Then I followed the railway across the desert and now I’m here.”

White started saying, “There’s only one forest North of here…” but then trailed off; a hoof pressed against his muzzle.

I was feeling pretty confident after that performance, so I leaned back from the table and crossed my forelegs on it. Didn’t expect the next question, though.

“You survived the Everfree forest?! Don’t you know that place is cursed?” Yellow, the flying one, intervened.

What? No. That wasn’t the Ever… Damn it, it was!

I put two and two together and realized the dragon must have dumped me somewhere along the edge of the Everfree forest. We were going to Ponyville after all, in which case I should have probably thanked my lucky stars that he didn’t dump me in further or I would have been back to square one. On the other hoof, at least one pony here now thought that I had escaped from that place and it was time to capitalize on that.

“I knew that, but I wasn’t worried. Danger is my middle name.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t turn off to Dodge Junction,” White said with a still-surprised look on his face.

To where?

“I think he was too close to a heat stroke to see anywhere but directly ahead,” Braeburn half laughed, "He just followed the rails!"

I was a bit surprised by his response at the time, but now that I think about it, the cider might have had something to do with it. We were buzzed. So of course it was the perfect time to talk about the master plan that I was now involved in. Braeburn tapped a hoof against the table and stood up.

“Now that we’ve had a chance to hear from our newest member, I wanna know if anypony here has any doubts about Purple? Any at all – we’re all in ‘is together and I wanna make sure everypony is fully confident of each other.”

An eerie silence enveloped the room as everypony looked at everypony else and me. I swear I felt the Universe grind to a halt.

So this is where they stab you in the neck. If I smash that pitcher-

“No? Good!” And then it began moving again. “I’m glad my accomplice findin’ skills haven’t gotten rusty. I guess it’s time to let you in on the game.”

He nodded at Yellow who then got up and walked outside. Next, White and Blue got up and walked into the saloon. It was fairly obvious they were going to guard all the entrances into the room while Braeburn would explain the plan to me. Another by-the-book move.

I understand how they did it when there was Braeburn and two of them, but how did they secure this place when there were only two and the third one wanted to join? Did they just leave a note on the table? What about when there was only Braeburn?

“I’m guessin’ by your reaction in the orchard that you already knew somethin’ was off about this town.” And just like in the orchard, he was slowly walking around, only this time in half-circles on his side of the table and staying in my field of view. “A town like this, in the middle of nowhere? It doesn’t make much sense, does it?”

No, it makes perfect sense. And I’m sure Celestia, or whoever controls civic planning, is in no way skeptical about it.

“Well, the truth is, this whole town was set up as a stagin’ point for our little operation. It wasn’t supposed to be anything more than that orchard and a warehouse for storing our - ahem - goods. But we got lucky that so many ponies from other places heard about it and wanted to move in. Guess they were tired of their dull villages; now we’re just part of the crowd. But it’s finally time for this place to serve its purpose.”

Here it comes. The great master plan about robbing trains on the way to wherever or dealing in spiked apples. Oh, why am I here?

“We’re goin’ on a little heist.”

OK, I sort of expected that.

“So… what are we taking?”

“Don’t worry about that just yet.” Braeburn answered, “Right now, I want to know if yer in or not. We can’t just go revealin’ the whole plan without taking some precautions, what with yer – ahem – recent activities.”

You mean how somepony here kicked me in the head and I woke up tied to a bed? I know, I’m a true menace.

“The only thing I can tell you is that we’re takin’ a short train trip tomorrow and that we’ll be back in the evenin’.” He was still staring at me. “And you’re gonna be a whole lot richer.”

My options were a bit limited at that point. I guess I could have said that I’m not interested, but given the reception I got at the orchard, I had a feeling saying that would be detrimental to my well-being. Oh sure, I could have kicked Braeburn down and escaped, but then I would be left stranded in the desert again. And the last time that happened, I ended up in Appleloosa! So it was still better to go along with this and see where I end up. Anything was better than becoming badger food or going back to civilization. Wait; do badgers even live in the desert? I don’t know. Anyway, if I was going to join the raid, I had to do it in style.

“I don’t know. Depends on how much bits we’re talking about here. I don’t really want to waste my time if it’s under a hundred.”

“A hundred thousand?” He laughed and repeatedly hoofed the table, “And here I was, thinkin’ you’d want half a mil!”

Mil? What do mean - oh. OH!

I was in. Salivating and shaking a bit maybe, but definitely in. While I was busy imagining the giant pile-o-bits that would get dumped in my back yard once the heist was over, Braeburn collected the others and they gave me a formal greeting. I had to peel an apple. I don’t know why, but that’s what I had to do. After that, we had some more cider to celebrate our agreement and then the meeting was disbanded. For security reasons, I was told to stay the night at the saloon. Something about not having the group members sharing houses or whatnot, but I didn’t really care. I also can’t say that I slept well that night. It’s amazing what knowing you’re about to be filthy rich can do to your adrenaline levels.

A gold plated crowbar. And then I’ll have somepony tattoo gold into my cutie mark to make them match!

Sometime after midnight, when it was still pitch black outside, the Hat Club, as I’ve decided to call them, came knocking at my door. They rushed me out of the room and across Appleloosa to the train station. Blue actually lock picked the door and we made our way to the attic of the station where there was a comically oversized slingshot hiding half-finished in the corner along with some sort of sled with kite wings at the side and long harnesses coiled on top of it. Braeburn noticed me eying it.

“Plan A. Before you came along.”

That doesn’t look very safe.

“So what am I supposed to do?”

“There’s gonna be a train passin’ by here in fifteen minutes. A train that never stops here. And you’re gonna move a switch to divert it to a dead-end track.” I didn’t really like the sound of that, but he clarified before I had a chance to ask, “They’ll stop the train before it runs out of room, don’t worry about that.”

But I wasn’t worried about that.

“Once the train will reverse back to the main line, we’ll jump in the last carriage and settle in for the ride. It’s a lot less suspicious that way than if we had somepony running or flying away from the switch back to the train.”

“But won’t the conductor kick us off?”

“I highly doubt it!”

I highly doubt your plan.

I looked around and saw that the others were changing clothes. Thanks to the contraption I didn’t even notice the chests in the attic, but I did now understand why nopony was going to consider us freeloaders.

How in the world did they get Royal Guard uniforms?

Of course, since nopony counted on me going along, they didn’t have one to spare, but I was given a white lab coat that was lying around from what I assumed was a previous job. It was strange going to a heist wearing something that I normally wear at work. Sure, I do take a lot of office supplies and there was that whole thing with the experimental battery, but stealing from work is different. I’m entitled to those things and this was an outright heist! I guess I was starting to have doubts.

What if this heist isn’t against some bank or a museum? Am I really going to start stealing from other ponies? I know they’re all assholes, but still… And how good of a plan is this anyway?

“What about after the heist? Won’t they come after us?”

“Don’t you worry about that. Everything’s taken care of. All you have to do is move the switch and we can get the show on the road.” He paused for a second and smirked, “The railroad.”

One more pun and I’ll be switching you over to a dead pony.

They put the finishing touches on their armor and I dawned on my coat.

“Everypony ready?”

I can’t do this. A mountain of bit or no, there’s no way I can do this!

“WAIT!” The Hatters looked at me and froze in place. “What are we stealing?!”

I don’t know why I shouted. It was a pretty stupid thing to do, what with the five of us breaking and entering into a train station and the walls not being that thick and all that. But I had to know.

“I already told ya, I can’t tell you that right now.”

I’ve seen that look before. Right before I took a kick to the head.

“OK, then at least tell me who we’re going after. A museum? A bank? Hospital?”

It was good seeing Braeburn’s look take a turn for the better. He started smiling, kind of like a junior exec that’s just had his first project approved by the higher-ups.

“Do you ever wonder where the train tracks go? What’s so great about the Macintosh Hills?”

Oh, a pop-quiz. They're the gateway to The End of the World? No, wait; the Land of the Apes. Or maybe-

I noticed he was actually expecting me to answer, the way he was standing still and staring at me, but geography was never my strong suit. I just never cared about what’s outside of Equestria, and those hills were the border, so I had no desire to know if that was the place where griffons come from or if it was a land of pixies. If somepony would actually give me a choice over the matter, I’d definitely go for pixies. They’re just so much more useful than those genetic experiments, but then a lot of things would be better if I had more say in them.

“Uhm, I don’t know. Griffons?”

“No, not griffons.” That's good., “There’s a place up there, in those mountains. They call it The Forge.” I noticed just how sharp the transition from laughing to talking was and just how low his voice had gotten. “You won’t find it on any map or in any textbook, and that’s because it’s a Royal Gold Mine.”

Royal? but that means-

“Won’t that make Celestia furious?”

“I imagin’ it will.”

And so it was that I, the brilliant Dr. Freemane, became an integral member of a crime syndicate. Life can really take some strange turns, right?

“Now we have to get movin’ if we don’t wanna be seen seetin’ up. Help White and let’s go!”

White was already waiting at one of the still-closed chest. I enveloped one handle with my magic and he bit the other end while occasionally looking up at my horn.

Everypony is always so surprised to see a bright orange glow coming out of a light-gray horn. Well you have stupid eyes!

Yellow and Blue picked up another chest while Braeburn took a measuring wheel and we made our way down once again; four Royal Guards and one scientist. After getting to the junction, Braeburn measured out the distance from the junction to where the train should stop once it backs up. That was where we dumped the chests and covered then with some shrubs and tumbleweed to make sure they weren’t noticed, then ran back to the station and hid behind it. I gave my lever-pulling skills a test to see if I’m actually moving the right one and Yellow flew to the top of the train station for some long-distance spotting. Then we waited. And waited.

If this is going to take any longer the Sun will come up and then we’re going to have to explain ourselves to some very surprised villagers.

“Say Brae – I mean Orange, what about the security?”

“Don’t worry, it’s light.”

That didn’t make me feel any better. Saying that security is light is a matter of interpretation. I can say that the security in my house is light if I know that some burglar is listening and laugh when he gets his mane caught on fire. Technically I wouldn’t even be lying; having a small flamethrower above the most flimsy-looking door is still light compared to having a bazooka strapped there. It’s the same with this. That did make me wonder...

"Do they have just some elderly ponies guarding the mine, like at a mall or something, or do they have the Royal Guards guarding it?"

“Royal Guards are partollin’ the place but there aren’t many of them. They can’t afford to draw attention to the place.”

“So what do we do with the guards on the inside? Do we have enough shovels?”

“What – no,” he laughed, “you're really taking this lightly, aren't you? Good to see. But no, we’ve got that covered.”

He opened one of the chests and pulled out two bottles of very familiar design. Potion bottles, yellow this time. It didn’t take me long to realize what it was.

Poison. The silent killer.

“Invisibility potion. And we have a crate-full. We actually had a collection of these comin’ our way, but some dolt in Ponyville managed to destroy a crate-full.”

Whoops. My bad.

“Good thing yer here now or this would’ve been a whole lot more difficult!”

Yeah, you’re right. You should be happy I’m here. I’m the best.

I might have been wrong about the poison, but I finally understood how we were going to get deeper into The Forge. Things are a lot easier when you can’t be seen and we could even take our time doing the job. Heck, with a large enough supply of invisibility potion, we could probably move the entire damn mine over to Appleloosa and would be swimming in bits by the time the Guards realized something had gone wrong. I was warming up to the idea.

The Royal Guards. I’m going to rub it in their faces. First, flying away from them out of Canterlot, now this. It’s going to be awesome!

While I was basking in my future glory, White shouted, “It’s coming!” while keeping his voice as close to a whisper as possible, making him look like an idiot.

Braeburn followed in his hoofsteps with, “OK, get ready everypony!” and then pointed at me, even though I was standing right next to him. “Whatever you do, don’t pull the lever until after the engineers pullin’ the train pass the junction, or they’ll see you do it!”

Really? I thought I was supposed to wave to them and ask for permission before – nah I can’t be bothered with sarcasm right now. Let’s just do this.

It didn't take long for us to be able to hear and feel the train approaching in the complete calm of night. Yellow quietly flew down from the edge of the roof and landed next to us. While the rest watched for the silhouette to appear next to the train station, I kept my eyes firmly on lever.

If I get this wrong and the train goes straight on, I’m tree chow. No pressure.

Suddenly, the train whisked past me. I was caught off guard and I immediately realized why. It didn’t have its headlight on! Still, the split second it took for that thought to form in my mind, carry over the information and dissolve was just enough for the engineers to run past the lever. I enveloped the lever with my magic without even thinking about it and, a second before the front wheels of the locomotive reached the junction, pushed it down. It moved, and with it the track.

How shocked must the engineers be right about now? They just took a wrong turn with a train! How do you explain something like that to your boss?

Everything went surprisingly according to plan after that. We waited for the train to be pushed back to the right track before boarding the last carriage with our luggage, only this time I was spared from carrying anything seeing as how that would be suspicious. I was a bit surprised to see that nopony stood in our way as we went aboard; probably thanks to the confusion that followed as the train stopped and the fact that several ponies came out to ease the load while it was being pushed back. The last carriage was filled with crates and there were two benches near the door to the next carriage. Two strangely dressed ponies were sitting on one of them. They didn’t look like miners, but more like something approaching a guard of some sort, only with symbols I couldn’t recognize.

Private contractors. This heist is getting easier by the second.

They wanted to say something, but Braeburn beat them to it by deliberately ignoring them and ordering White and Blue to head over to the next wagon and “secure it.” Then he motioned for me to sit on the bench next to the two blue-and-black clad security guards while he and Yellow leaned on the crates, each looking at one door of the carriage. I don’t always give compliments, but when I do, I give them in my thoughts so I don’t spoil the whole plan.

That was some nice manipulation. I doubt either of these two is going to say a word for this whole trip. They’re almost frozen with fear. But wait, I won’t be able to talk either with these two around! Damn. This is going to be a long trip.