A young mare on the run for her dear life, she just regained her freedom but her life is in danger. And so anyone who try to help her, associated in any ways. Will she able to get through this mess alive or be ripped shreds by the cult.
Well, I am back for more reading and more nitpicking, Oh cruel device I am.
Anyhow, Sorry about not answering earlier comment, It slipped past my mailing system, but I will
make up for it by giving an update on my thoughts on... Your updates
Well then, As dictated by Reviewer law I must nitpick, firstly, I must admit at times I am slightly
confused by the construction of the chapters. As in, Sometimes, you move a paragraph where it
should not, other times you mix words around, but If the case is that you dont speak english as a
first language (As Is the case with myself), I wont hold it against you Its just a thing to
remember. To Help a bit: Remember when something is in past tense. Like, "Smirk" Is in present tense, when it
sshould be "Smirked". It was something she did just before. Keep hold of the time zones so to speak
Its very hard to tell of a story in present tense... actually its next to impossble. When you´re
retelling something, it is in past tense. Its something that already happened, thus, in the past.
See, Let me pick out a sentence as an Example: "Crimson just blink, she couldn't see it but she could hear it, and her crazy friend did down the
whole bottle." Here you use Present with "Blink" yet use Past tense with "Could", "Couldnt". If you had made the
full sentense in present it would be "She Cant see it, but she Can hear it." Where as if you had
written the full sentence in past tense it would have to be "Just Blinked, she couldnt see it"
I dont want to be mean on the grammar, but the thing about Language is that it creates bridge
between us, and larger gramatical errors errect more barriers than bridges.
Though some can be a bit hiliarious... Chapter three Specifically "You´ve never dever done anything
to deserve the FAITH you have been cursed with"... The word "Faith" is like "Belief" It sounded like someone had been cursed with being religious
I would suggest that you get a prereader
Wow that was a lot for the first one. Ok, second;
Sometimes, the action seems a bit all over the place. It moves relatively slowly at certain points,
and then it almost seems to speed up. Like in chapter three... the tone suddenly shifts from
delightful friendly fun to absolute terror and chaos. Now a shift in tone can work, but this shift
just seemed eery. And In chapter 4, We seem to somehow have shifted place and position without much explaination. We
havent been told that things moved or how the "Camera" so to speak went. We just out of nowhere had
to piece together that Rarity had gone back to bed.
Thirdly, I am going to say, Its only really the latest chapter that has sort of had my heart REALLY pumping, because you did make a good setup to the scene with Octavia, though the confrontation did end up making me confused. Its a bit of an odd example of explaning too much, and yet too little. We get an air of mystery around the stallion, which is good, but you do describe how he stands enough to confuse me when Octy is attacked. But thats just a nitpick and the part did really get me going.
Well, I think I am going to return to this story in a bit, Perhaps when the next chapter comes out ^^
Thanks for the friendly critique Unfortunately, yes, english is not my first language will try to get around and fix up the story, probobly after my "Trinity - Nature" story is edited.
In the 4th chapter i did jump in time, i think i need to add a more and clear separation there. As for the sudden change in atmosphere is on prupose, i like the part where they live happily and BANG it's turn into a carnage, it gives some contrast and shock.
The attack on Octavia as well have these intentions, things ment to happen quick and mainly from Octavia's perspective, with her throat slit, and things go "foggy" quick. That's also why she do not see it, only feel it moments after what have just happened that now she bleeding, and can not talk any more. The stallion is much bigger and taller, she has to look up, he is covered by his cloak, and the pitch black night.
Non less worth try to take in all details as they can give some leads, saying more is blowing my plot vault
3195720 Well I am glad you can take constructive Criticism I am also glad that you are ready to defend those points even though I saw it as flaws. I can see what you mean, though I am not fully convinced yet. I will however remain faithfull and continue to read
Well, I am back for more reading and more nitpicking,
Oh cruel device I am.
Anyhow, Sorry about not answering earlier comment, It slipped past my mailing system, but I will
make up for it by giving an update on my thoughts on... Your updates
Well then, As dictated by Reviewer law I must nitpick, firstly, I must admit at times I am slightly
confused by the construction of the chapters. As in, Sometimes, you move a paragraph where it
should not, other times you mix words around, but If the case is that you dont speak english as a
first language (As Is the case with myself), I wont hold it against you Its just a thing to
remember.
To Help a bit: Remember when something is in past tense. Like, "Smirk" Is in present tense, when it
sshould be "Smirked". It was something she did just before. Keep hold of the time zones so to speak
Its very hard to tell of a story in present tense... actually its next to impossble. When you´re
retelling something, it is in past tense. Its something that already happened, thus, in the past.
See, Let me pick out a sentence as an Example:
"Crimson just blink, she couldn't see it but she could hear it, and her crazy friend did down the
whole bottle."
Here you use Present with "Blink" yet use Past tense with "Could", "Couldnt". If you had made the
full sentense in present it would be "She Cant see it, but she Can hear it." Where as if you had
written the full sentence in past tense it would have to be "Just Blinked, she couldnt see it"
I dont want to be mean on the grammar, but the thing about Language is that it creates bridge
between us, and larger gramatical errors errect more barriers than bridges.
Though some can be a bit hiliarious... Chapter three Specifically "You´ve never dever done anything
to deserve the FAITH you have been cursed with"...
The word "Faith" is like "Belief" It sounded like someone had been cursed with being religious
I would suggest that you get a prereader
Wow that was a lot for the first one. Ok, second;
Sometimes, the action seems a bit all over the place. It moves relatively slowly at certain points,
and then it almost seems to speed up. Like in chapter three... the tone suddenly shifts from
delightful friendly fun to absolute terror and chaos. Now a shift in tone can work, but this shift
just seemed eery.
And In chapter 4, We seem to somehow have shifted place and position without much explaination. We
havent been told that things moved or how the "Camera" so to speak went. We just out of nowhere had
to piece together that Rarity had gone back to bed.
Thirdly, I am going to say, Its only really the latest chapter that has sort of had my heart REALLY pumping, because you did make a good setup to the scene with Octavia, though the confrontation did end up making me confused. Its a bit of an odd example of explaning too much, and yet too little. We get an air of mystery around the stallion, which is good, but you do describe how he stands enough to confuse me when Octy is attacked.
But thats just a nitpick and the part did really get me going.
Well, I think I am going to return to this story in a bit, Perhaps when the next chapter comes out ^^
Keep on writing!
3195107
Thanks for the friendly critique
Unfortunately, yes, english is not my first language will try to get around and fix up the story, probobly after my "Trinity - Nature" story is edited.
In the 4th chapter i did jump in time, i think i need to add a more and clear separation there. As for the sudden change in atmosphere is on prupose, i like the part where they live happily and BANG it's turn into a carnage, it gives some contrast and shock.
The attack on Octavia as well have these intentions, things ment to happen quick and mainly from Octavia's perspective, with her throat slit, and things go "foggy" quick. That's also why she do not see it, only feel it moments after what have just happened that now she bleeding, and can not talk any more. The stallion is much bigger and taller, she has to look up, he is covered by his cloak, and the pitch black night.
Non less worth try to take in all details as they can give some leads, saying more is blowing my plot vault
3195720
Well I am glad you can take constructive Criticism
I am also glad that you are ready to defend those points even though I saw it as flaws. I can see what you mean, though I am not fully convinced yet. I will however remain faithfull and continue to read
3197626
If interested i can show you the chapter I'm working on atm, it's not fully finished, but about half way done.
3199124
Sure if you want to