A young mare on the run for her dear life, she just regained her freedom but her life is in danger. And so anyone who try to help her, associated in any ways. Will she able to get through this mess alive or be ripped shreds by the cult.
Ok, Here comes the Critique Train, Let ther merciless ripping begin. I dont want to be the one to point out typo´s or bad spelling, But I must help and say its a "Couch", A "Coach" is either a Trainer, or an 18th century form of transporation, namely a Stagecoach.
Secondly, Uhm, I dont want to sound like an angry critic, but I am rather perplexed how seemingly nonchelant Crimson is about declaring her vamponyness. I of course get that she is concerned, but if she was just almost killed, then I would shut up so hard that My Teeth would meet with my stomach.
Thirdly, the rules and Exposition of Vampirism, It is a bit, Odd when its explained directly to us, but not to characters who does not know it. Why not explain the conditions to us, Through the characters?
As a final conclusion for this chapter, I think its alright, but there are things that does "Hurt my eyes" so to speak, but dont be discouraged by that. Its not bad. Not great, but I am certain its going in the right direction. I will have to see that in the next chapter. Keep writing.
OH DEAR MERCIFUL DEITIES! THESE ERRORS SHALL NOT GO WITHOUT AMENDS. Expect me to send you a message at some point containing a link to a Google Docs document that will contain each chapter of your story with corrections. XD
And when you've finished looking at me as I scream in frustration, look at 3168643 as s/he will actually give you some critique
Edit: An example:
Manehatten, a city that is home to almost 1 million ponies, a city that never rests nor sleeps, tonight however, it couldn't have been more alive. A group of ponies, hidden by the darkness chase their target, the silence only being broken by their hooves as they hit the ground and the sound of their rapid breathing. The mare they were chasing ran for her dear life, knowing with perfect clarity that it would be her end if they caught her. She drew on every ounce of her strength to run, focusing straight ahead, she dare not look back as it could cause her end, be it by tripping, or by sheer terror taking her over and paralysing her. Now that she was free and able to command her body once more, she would fight for this freedom, for this life she regained, or if fighting not an option, run for it. She could hear something in the distance, it sounded like a locomotive, and an idea struck her, an idea that might be her best chance of escape.
Edit: I fear I may have altered your entire story XD
Edit: Any further attempts to read your story have failed... This only urges me to help you more. Right now your story is hard for me to read and enjoy. But I can help you turn it into something people will worship. Granted, you can't trust me as I'm just some guy from the internet that you don't know anything about. And yes, there are people out there that are way better than me. But I'm still determined to help you.
Ok, Here comes the Critique Train, Let ther merciless ripping begin.
I dont want to be the one to point out typo´s or bad spelling, But I must help and say its a "Couch", A "Coach" is either a Trainer, or an 18th century form of transporation, namely a Stagecoach.
Secondly, Uhm, I dont want to sound like an angry critic, but I am rather perplexed how seemingly nonchelant Crimson is about declaring her vamponyness. I of course get that she is concerned, but if she was just almost killed, then I would shut up so hard that My Teeth would meet with my stomach.
Thirdly, the rules and Exposition of Vampirism, It is a bit, Odd when its explained directly to us, but not to characters who does not know it. Why not explain the conditions to us, Through the characters?
As a final conclusion for this chapter, I think its alright, but there are things that does "Hurt my eyes" so to speak, but dont be discouraged by that. Its not bad. Not great, but I am certain its going in the right direction. I will have to see that in the next chapter.
Keep writing.
I love it
OH DEAR MERCIFUL DEITIES! THESE ERRORS SHALL NOT GO WITHOUT AMENDS. Expect me to send you a message at some point containing a link to a Google Docs document that will contain each chapter of your story with corrections. XD
And when you've finished looking at me as I scream in frustration, look at 3168643 as s/he will actually give you some critique
Edit:
An example:
Edit: I fear I may have altered your entire story XD
Edit: Any further attempts to read your story have failed... This only urges me to help you more. Right now your story is hard for me to read and enjoy. But I can help you turn it into something people will worship. Granted, you can't trust me as I'm just some guy from the internet that you don't know anything about. And yes, there are people out there that are way better than me. But I'm still determined to help you.