Back in equestria
“ I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up...”Twilight thought to herself, Sweating from the strain of the spell and beginning to feel a headache begin to form. “the portal doesnt seem to be stable, maybe I should try tripling my efforts...”
Twilight clenched her teeth as she put everything she could into the spell, before being sent flying backwards as the spell de-stablized and ended with a blindingly bright flash of light, which caused everypony in the area to have to shield their eyes for a moment until it passed, revealing a very dazed group of 9 humans who are all remarkably still standing
“Twi? You ok?” Applejack asked the unicorn, who only responded with a groan.
“You RUFIANS! You hurt our dear friend, Twilight Sparkle! Have you anything to say for yourselves?!”A white unicorn with a purple name shouted at the group
“Ack... das is nicht good...” The tall one wearing the all white uniform said, swaying slightly before locking his focus onto the group of 6 ponies in front of himself, and then noticing the one passed out 30 feet away
“...?” The man with the all white outfit began walking towards the unconscious Twilight Sparkle, only to be intercepted by an orange hoof to the chest that sent him off his feet
“Stay back, ya... whatever ya are, I wont let'cha hurt Twi any more...” Applejack warned, placing her back hooves onto the ground, having just bucked the tall all white wearing man, gaining the attention of the less tall man wearing a hat somewhat similar to Applejacks
“Oi! They attacked the doc! Come on lads, we're not gonna take that lyin down are we?!” the Australian man said to his friends
“No... no we wont...” The one wearing the ear piece said, taking off towards Applejack, only to be intercepted by a rainbow blur that smacked right into his side, taking both him and the blurred pegasus pony responsible a good distance away before the pegasus delivered a swift jab with her front right hoof, knocking the earpiece right off of his head and leaving him too dazed to move
“GETEM BOYOS!” The darker skinned, one eyed man said before launching himself at the pegasus who attacked the ear piece wearing one as the largest of the group began to walk towards the orange pony, while the rest of the group stayed behind, still too dazed to move quite yet
The one eyed man, however, didnt even make it halfway before being met by Pinkie Pie, who tackled him out of the air, laughing like it was all a game, whereas the large man was hit by what would appear to be a very large make up kit directly in the face, followed immediately by Applejack bucking him in the stomach, knocking the giant of a man over
“Come on lads... this is just sad...” the australian man said with no mere amount of dissappointment in his voice. “looks like im going to have to deal with this myself...”
The Australian man, having been watching how they acted from a distance, walked towards the larger group, ducking under another makeup kit, or was it the same one... looked the same, and stepping to the side of the bucking applejack before knocking her front hooves from under her
before any of them could do anything further, however, they were all interrupted by an ear piercingly loud shouting of the word "ENOUGH" from the man wearing all white, holding his ribs in his right hand from where he was bucked.
“good. Now zat I have your attention... I Zink now would be a good time for us to calm down at look at things RATIONALLY.” the german said, holding the spot where he had been bucked with his right hand, "Zis entire situation was caused due to a misunderstanding..." Medic turns to face applejack "now zen... you attacked me because you zought i would harm your friend... however, zat was never my intention... I am a man of medical science, not the kind of person who would attack someone who's already down... even if you are completely new creatures to me, I'm a doctor... so, will you step aside so I can do my job?" he gestures at the unconscious Twilight with his free hand.
"I... suppose ya'll are right... none of ya'll attacked us until I bucked you to the ground... fine... but I'll be watching you..." Applejack relented before stepping aside, keeping her eyes on the medic however.
"zank you... now then..." he walks over to the unconscious Twilight and removes the glove from his right hand and holds it in front of her muzzle. " Her breathing is regular..." He looks carefully at her "no visible injuries, but just to be sure, would one of you shift her onto her other side?" he asked the group of ponies, giving them an arched eyebrow and the same friendly smile,"If im correct, you'll be more comfortable if you yourselves move her rather than myself."
"Okie dokie lokie!" Pinkie replied before bouncing, quite literally much to the medics fascination, before gently shifting Twilight onto her side. "my names pinkie pie by the way! nice to meet you!" the pink pony said before bouncing away again.
"...Moving on wards." The medic stated before looking at Twilight closely again. "she seems to be free of any major injury... must be shock from ze explosion, does anyone have anyzing that i can use to awaken her? spy? do you still carry those smelling salts I told you to keep on hand?"
"Indeed I do, Doctor." The spy replied before walking over to the medic before pulling a small box out and handing it to him. "here is the emergency kit you supplied... now then, if you will excuse me, i'm going to go clean the dust and wood splinters off of my suit before its ruined..."
"Danke, spy... " *he pulls out the smelling salts from the emergency kit and holds them under Twilight's nose, his smile growing a little bit as she groans and comes to slowly
"Ugh... that... did not go as I planned..." she opens her eyes and notices the medic crouched down in front of her, and is up on her hooves in the blink of an eye, much to the Medics surprise. "oh my GOSH! my spell WORKED, well sort of... nevermind that though, what are you, where are you from and what can you tell me about it?!" Twilight say's enthusiastically, further stunning the Medic.
"well, theres somethin' to be said about her get up an' go, that's for sure..." the engineer commented , taking the moment to look around at his surroundings and take them all in. "...one things definite though... we're NOT at 2Fort anymore... hell, if anyone could prove this was the same UNIVERSE as ours, I'd eat my hard hat..."
"guess that means your machine worked, Engie... I'd congratulate you, but I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE WE ARE and we have NONE of our weapons aside from your wrench, the spies watch collection and the medics Medi-gun... while nothing around here seems to be an immediate threat this situation is still outside of my area of comfort." the man wearing the helmet stated, frowning slightly and walking over to the dazed scout, who had just woken up from the blow to the head.
The one wearing the full jumpsuit and face mask just sits there, silent as ever while the Australian man tries to help the large man to his feet, face red with effort, only succeeding in wearing himself out as the giant man was very slowly regaining his senses himself.
"Um... help?" the Medic turns to face the nearest pony, Applejack as Twilight simply continued her endless barrage of questions about him, his companions and his home world.
"hey, Twi... I think our newly met acquaintance's here could use some time to get over...well... arriving here?" Applejack suggested
"huh?... Oh! Sorry! You're right!" She gives the medic a sheepish smile, "Sorry for pestering you like that... just a little excited about meeting a new species..."
"It's quite alright, I will have my own questions later... but I believe introductions are in order...? I am the medic, team, introduce yourselves," The Medic stated before giving his team the "go ahead" gesture
"yo, whats up? I'm the scout." the one wearing the head gear introduced himself first, holding the spot where rainbow had hit him with his left hand, "I've never met anything faster than me, I'm the guy they send ahead to either capture things, see whats waiting for my team up ahead or to prevent someone from getting away with something of ours."
The largest one among them was the next to introduce himself, holding his bloody nose from where the overly large makeup kit smashed into his face. "I am Heavy Weapons Guy... but most people call me heavy."
The Australian attempts to introduce himself next, but all that comes out is a breathless wheeze, which causes the Scottish man to laugh. "That'd be the Sniper, our master of long ranged combat... and it looks like he's a little out of shape!" The scottsman said with a grin that only made the Sniper give him a glare, immediately followed by a large smirk.
"That... would be The Demoman... he's our master of explosives..."the Sniper stated, causing the demo's grin to grow slightly, only to be broken by his next comment, "and An alcoholic who doesnt know how to put down a bottle to save his skin."
"I'll get you back for that later, laddy..." The Demoman warned before walking away, now irritated, which caused the sniper to chuckle, seeing as he was still too breathless to laugh fully, and drawing a giggle from Pinkie.
The man wearing the war-helmet spoke up next, "I am the soldier, I am a master of combat and survivor of war. Nice to make your acquaintance." The soldier stated before standing just behind the engineer.
"I'm the Engineer, I build things to help out with whatever the situation is, be it a problem such as healing a wound or supplying whatever you have on hand, or even something to teleport you short distances. Me and the doc are the ones who make most of the things our group use in our line of duty." The Texan stated proudly, which shifted the attention over to the Medic in question.
"I am the Medic, and my name pretty much sums up what I do on a daily basis, I treat the sick or the wounded, no matter how serious or minor it is... considering my line of work, that's remarkably often actually..." the medic stated, giving the group a look that say's "cant you be at least SOMEWHAT more careful?"
"I do believe it is my turn to speak... I am the Spy, my job is to get behind enemy lines, disable their defenses and spread paranoia through their ranks... just as long as i don't mess up my suit." The Spy stated, diverting his attention back to cleaning up said suit... only to frown in annoyance after discovering a tear along the suits left arm. "Well. This is a disappointment... where am i going to find a new sui-" He's cut off as a measuring tape is suddenly floating around him, making measurements white the white pony with the purple mane takes notes.
"Having a torn up suit, especially one that was so well made, and having no replacements is nothing short of a CATASTROPHE, worry not, though! Rarity is on the case! I'll get right on making you a new suit as soon as i can!" Rarity proclaimed,putting her notes in the bag she had been carrying with her.
"Much appreciated, Madame Rarity..." The Spy said, giving her a bow at the hip, "I do indeed find it quite frustrating when i have no suit to wear... And for helping me out even though you have no idea who I am,and while I'm in a world I have no idea about, I am in your debt..."
"wait... who's your last friend over there?" Twilight asked, pointing with her hoof at the jumpsuit and mask wearing person who was standing there silently
"mmph, hudduh huh hud-hudduh huh hmph hudduh huh!" It said.
"Um... Sorry? I didnt quite understand that... could you say that again?" Twilight asked.
"Heheheh... Silly Twilight, He said that She's the Pyro, and that He specializes in use of fire, and that the suit she's wearing protects from high temperatures!" Pinkie pie stated, leaving everyone looking rather stunned, and Twilight with a look of confusion on her face.
"Wait... first you said he, then she, then he again then back to she... What Gender is it? no offense, pyro." Twilight stated
"Im not sure myself, actually! Its like the Pyro doesn't even WANT me to know... Weird, huh? reminds me of something else i saw that was weird earlier tod-*Pinkie's cut off by rainbow dash again*
"As long as we're doing introductions, i'm Rainbow dash,the element of loyalty as well as the fastest Pony in all of Equestria. NOPONY can keep up with me." She turns to face the Scout, "and that means NOPONY..."
That gets scouts full attention, causing him to get a large grin on his face, "all right," Scout replied, "I'll have to test that out myself one day..." Scout returned her challenge
"Wait... again... how can you even understand Pyro, Pinkie?" Twilight asked, turning her attention to the medic who was still close by, "can you guys understand Pyro that easily?"
"Actually, no... ze only one we know zat understands ze Pyro... is ze Pyro..." Medic replied, having been staring at Pinkie in shock.
"Moving on... My name is Twilight Sparkle, I'm the most gifted in magic out of the group of us, and the local librarian, I also happen to be rather interested in learning ANYTHING new, as well as the element of magic." Twilight stated, her attention diverted for a moment by the sight of Pinkie carrying on a conversation with Pyro a little bit out of ear shot.
"looks like i'm next, im Applejack, One of Ponyville's strongest apple farmers, and the element of honesty." Applejack said with a slight dip of her hat.
"As introduced earlier, My name is Rarity, the element of generosity and master of the needle and thread." Rarity introduced herself with a slight bow of her head.
"and IM pinkie pie!" Pinkie said rather loudly from directly behind the Engineer, causing him to jump forwards in shock, "I'm the Element of laughter as well as one of ponyvilles bakers!"
Pyro can be heard laughing at the look of terror on The Engineers face.
"I'm uh... fluttershy..." the yellow pegasus with a pink mane said quietly.
"Uh... could you say that again?" The medic asked as politely as he could, "I didnt quite hear you very well..."
"Fluttershy..." she replies, even quieter than last time.
Twilight, after seeing this, walks over to the Medic, leaning her head as close to what she believed to be his ear as possible so as not to embarrass Fluttershy. "Don't worry about her, she's usually like this around anyone new... Just give her some time and she'll warm up to you." she whispers, smiling.
The Medic's worried frown falls into a relieved smile as he thanks Twilight for explaining her friend's shy tendencies. "Danke, Twilight. Now zen... It's time to figure out where ve will be staying for ze night, as it vill not take a medical examination to tell zat most of us are exhausted from everything zat's happened so far." The Medic stated.
"I do believe that we may be able to find shelter in those woods," Spy stated while gesturing at the forest in the distance.
"whoa there, pardner... that's the Everfree, and trust me when I tell ya, that is NOT the place to be staying at, the critters in there will tear ya'll limb from limb..." Applejack replied to the Spy.
"I've got an idea, Girls..." Twilight spoke up, a slight smile now growing on her face, "Applejack, do you think there would be enough room on your farm for The Heavy or Engineer?" twilight asked her friend Applejack, who thought for a moment before replying.
"I s'pose there might be, as long as they dont mind that my Granny Smith might put them to work..." Applejack replied, "and as long as they stay on their best behavior."
"Thank ya kindly," The Engineer replied with a slight tip of his hard hat.
"Da. This could work, just no more kicking me, if you would be so kind..." Heavy also stated before putting his left hand over where he had been bucked.
"Right then, since those two have possible living conditions, I volunteer to take in the Medic, seeing as he's a fellow Intellectual." Twilight stated, drawing a nod of appreciation from the man in question.
"Look's like Pinkie and The Pyro have grown to become good enough friends already..." Engineer observed, watching as Pinkie began showing off her party cannon to the pyro, who tilted his head in what obviously was confusion and staring at the fuse.
"...Anypony gonna warn Pyro not to light that fuse?" Twilight asked, watching them out of the corner of her eyes nervously now.
Her question is answered moments later by the sound of the cannon going off, as well as a large cloud of confetti and various other decorations, immediately followed by Pinkie falling over from laughing too hard at the mess that is now Pyro.
"Asked and answered?" the Engineer asked.
"Aye. Asked and Answered..." The Demoman replied, now staring at the party cannon nervously, fearing what would happen if it was turned on him.
"If its perfectly alright with everyone, I shall take in The Spy, for mutual benefit! He gets a place to stay and I get to learn about his fashion style!" Rarity chimed in, her eyes sparkling at the idea of learning about what fashion styles the Spy had to tell about.
"But of course, I would be happy to tell you anything you would like to know, it is the least i can do if you are willing to let me live in your home," The Spy replied with a slight smile.
"I'll take the Pyro and Demoman!" Pinkie chimed in, having popped up just behind the heavy, who barely kept himself from jumping in surprise, "they seem like they'd be GREAT at a party, and Mrs Cake has been saying that a little extra help would be great around SCC!"
"I hate t'burst your bubble there, lassie, but I'm not much of a baker, I'm more of a mess maker," The Demoman stated, which only caused the pink ponies smile to grow to a level that creep'ed out said demo.
"Oh that's okay, you can learn, and besides we don't need another baker as much as we do someone to keep the place clean and such, but learning how to bake could be a great bonus, dontcha think?" Pinkie proclaimed, her smile growing an extra inch.
"Bloody hell, does that smile have a mind of its own? If it gets any bigger it might pop off her face and fly away!" The Demoman thought, not daring to say that aloud for fear of the pink party pony's smile growing even further, or what she might do after...
"I'll be camping it out here with the soldier if its all the same," The Sniper stated, pulling the backpack off of his back.
"And I need my leg space so... yeah. I'm keeping myself outside where I can run as often as I want." Scout said and looked around again, "Even if I have no idea where it is I'm running..."
"Well then, I guess its settled... We have the living arrangements down, as long as there's no objections from any of you guys that is, " Twilight proclaimed, looking at the group of them.
"I believe I can speak for all of us when I say... That'll work just fine." The Engineer replied.
"Great! Then that's settled at least, and we can continue getting to know each other after everyone's fully adjusted to their surroundings and settled in," Twilight declared
"Hold on a moment, Miss Twilight," The Spy spoke up, "Wont you and your friends leading us through town draw a large amount of attention to you, possibly the wrong kind?"
"You might be right... I hadn't thought of that, the ponies of Ponyville can be rather quick to judge upon appearance..." Twilight replied with a frown, remembering what had happened with Zecora.
"Welp! We wont know until we try, and besides if they're with us, they'll already have won some points with the people of Ponyville!" Pinkie proclaimed as the Demoman looked uneasily at the position she now occupied atop his head.
"Pinkies right, Twi, as long as they're with us they shouldn't have too much to worry about," Applejack stated.
"All right then... lets let them settle in and We'll meet at the library tomorrow, agreed?" Twilight asked the group, drawing various forms of confirmation from them, or at least whats believed to be confirmation on the Pyro's behalf, "Okay then, see everypony tomorrow then, follow me, Medic, I'll show you where you'll be staying..."
"I get ze feeling all of a sudden that we may be in a little over our heads wiz zis..." The medic stated before following Twilight, now being met with a sudden feeling of unease... would the people of this world REALLY accept them, or would they be treated as they were, aliens to their world and potential threats... Those, however, were questions for the future... For now all that was on his mind was getting some sleep.
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I hear what you're saying, but the sheer amount of changes needed to be made kinda scares me a little... i'll work on what i can and answer what questions you have to ask that i can answer... now i thought about the strain needed to cross between dimensions, normally it would be near impossible to accomplish... but there are many theory's that state that if two forces of near equal power try to cross said gap at the same time from two parallel universes, the normally impossible task becomes extraordinarily easier. I'm bringing science into this... granted not very well... anyway, the doorway thing... i'll have to find a way to better describe it as you're saying, i put one of the harder to notice scene transitions into bold and i'll be editing the description for this after i finish this comment.
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Also... i HAD been planning to have the details on Twilight's discovery of said book to be later... but, now that i've said that everyone will know its coming... crap.
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now, what are your opinions on the second chapter, because i trust your opinions quite a'lot... you both obviously have a'lot more experience than i... and there's no shame in asking for help from your betters... so... little help?
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Just so you know. I have NO experience. I'm just talking from what I think I know.
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well thats fine, because if you put my experience&skill into a number it'd be a -8... yeah... previous community did some damage to me that's going to take a while to fix...
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the only reason im even able to speak this freely is because you're a person who barely knows me... if you and i met face to face... id be stuck in a dumb silence... the internet gives me just enough confidence to talk about all of this, and its only when im looking at myself like another person would... third person is my greatest source of protection on the internet.
Welp. That was a drop from the first chapter, probably because this one hasn't been edited.
You said that Rarity was the element of honesty straight after Applejack said she was There are some spelling mistakes as well as grammer and punctuation mistakes, too many to point out. I've told lots of people this in their stories but it's quite noticeable here, that the character's personalities seem off from what would be considered normal. I like how you put the Medic in charge instead of the Engineer given that usually the Engi's in charge it's a nice change. It seems that they're too easy to stop fighting, sure it's animated no matter which way you look at it, but it still seems... Off... Anyway, the immediate break out of a fight was completely uncalled for, why would the mane 6 attack them without even considering the fact that they mean no harm? And the character's in TF2 may be portrayed to be maniac's but they still should have some sense. I would think that Heavy would be the one to call out when Applejack bucked Medic as Heavy is usually very protective of him, but scout? That just doesn't fit, scout rarely uses Medic's skills and when he does, it's completely the medic's decision as the scout shouldn't need healing, unless he's a noob. But that doesn't count, the throwback from the spell shouldn't have knocked Twilight out, sure it would have been quite a lot of magical feedback considering all the energy she was putting into it, but she did not seem to hit her head on anything when she was thrown back. Other than the magic causing her body to shut down I can find no reason for the blast to have knocked her unconscious. Also, why is Medic easy to decide to heal Twilight? He should hesitate as he is only familiar with the physiology of his comrades and, more importantly, humans in general. As well as that, he should be able to see from where he was standing that Twilight was unhurt, but he should portray concern.
Holy crap I didn't understand a word I just said.
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wait... first thoughts... I GOT THE ELEMENTS WRONG?! GAAAAH! just reading that first note made my mind hurt...
3121607 No harm in asking
It is a wall of text, to put it blunt. Try putting some spacing inbetween paragraphs.
Secondly, try not to rush it! Keep it smooth and have everything being explained, try a perspective next chapter, have their thoughts on the situation or something along those lines, helps build story and future relations with the ponies.
Thirdly, don't be afraid to ask for help, if you got a big chapter, feel free to ask me or Warrior Kitten for a proofread, I would never mind! I can also shove in my opinions and tell you of some suggested changes.
Doing a million times better! A lot less grammatical incorrections, and the story is original and stable.
Try to have fun doing this, having fun and understanding everybody makes mistakes will improve not only yourself, but the chapters and your ideas.
Edit: Ha ha.. Woah, why you be deleting chapter 2? And I see kitten beat me to it.
I feel stupid.
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anyway... moving on... most people often portray the medic as more of a psychopath and back up said theory's with "the healing is not as rewarding as the hurting", but from what i've learned by playing as and sticking to the medic he does have SOME aspects that are like that but otherwise he follows his job in a calm, rational matter... anyway, he never "healed" Twilight, but as a master of medical science he would at least be able to tell if something was wrong at the very least... anyway, the thing about the scout... well, as stated previously, these are the last remaining members of the tf2 crew and they're from both teams red and blu... thus the over-protectiveness for their ally's... god, getting a headache here just explaining all of this... need to lay off the coffee...
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It'd be better if you trusted Thaumite over me, I have literally 0 experience dealing with these kinds of things other than recently proof reading another authors story, but I've only been doing that for a little while and I'm not bringing up good results. Heck, even my stories falling back. You're story had 4/2 mine has 8/8! So, yeah.
The only reason I beat you on Thaumite is because I needed to do something on the site and I happened to see some notifications from Security, so I decided to check it out.
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Even so, you've helped me out as well as far as confidence goes and you've helped me find some pretty gaping holes in my writing and for that i thank you.
...even if most of them were so obvious i seem blind for missing them...
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i didnt delete chapter 2, i unpublished it and my computer wouldnt let me hit the publish button again because it was being stupid. i've really got to replace this thing.
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Something i just noticed that made me make a double take... Your suggestion for paragraph spacing. I... REALLY dont want to come off as rude here... But... You're the one that gave me that type of writing style when you proof-read my first chapter... I thought i was doing better by doing a similar style... And now I am the essence of confused.
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Everyone makes mistakes.
(Easiest way to cover up my stupidity.)
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So that probably means you should trust Kitten over me. I may make loads of stories, but they always go unpublished, resulting in me not getting criticism, Kitten has that.
Sorry I messed up.
I'm good with the dialogue, the characters seem to speak and react in generally realistic ways, though some moments seem a bit off, mostly that some actions are a bit too sudden. My three main problems aside from that are
1) Spacing. Every paragraph should have a line between them, making it much easier on the eyes.
2) Description. A bit more descriptiveness in scene and actions would help to flesh things out and give a more vivid scene. You're mostly good with that, but occasionally there'll be a bit of description that could go with something.
""Welp! We wont know until we try, and besides if they're with us, they'll already have won some points with the people of Ponyville!" Pinkie proclaimed"
""Pinkies right, Twi, as long as they're with us they shouldn't have too much to worry about," Applejack stated."
Both of these could use a bit more description.
An example based on the first:
"Welp! We wont know until we try, and besides if they're with us, they'll already have won some points with the people of Ponyville!" Pinkie proclaimed as the Demoman looked uneasily at the position she now occupied atop his head.
(This is just an example, and isn't too necessary a thing, but using time in dialogue to add little details can be fun for both the writer and reader)
3) Grammar, spelling, and other such things. This is something that, for me, either makes or breaks the readability of a fic. And here it breaks it. This is an example of 2 paragraphs that are in the middle. Not the worst, but not the best.
Twilight, after seeing this, walks closer to the Medic "dont worry about her, she's always like this around anyone new... just give her time and she'll warm up to you..."
"Danke, Twilight... now then... its time to figure out where we'll be staying for tonight, as, and im not 100% certain on this, most of us are probably exhausted from everything thats happened so far..." The Medic stated.
Now, the cleaned-up version
Twilight, after seeing this, walks over to the Medic, leaning her head as close to what she believed to be his ear as possible so as not to embarrass Fluttershy. "Don't worry about her, she's usually like this around anyone new... Just give her some time and she'll warm up to you." she whispers, smiling.
The Medic's worried frown falls into a relieved smile as he thanks Twilight for explaining her friend's shy tendencies. "Danke, Twilight. Now zen... It's time to figure out where ve will be staying for ze night, as it vill not take a medical examination to tell zat most of us are exhausted from everything zat's happened so far." The Medic stated.
Some things I've noted are:
-You tend to overuse ellipses.
-Words like "that's" or "it's" are often missing apostrophes, or have one that they should not have. (If you aren't clear on when to use them, just ask)
-Capitalization is often done incorrectly (Though mostly just not capitalizing things that should be capitalized) (Same here as with punctuation like ellipses and apostrophes, ask if you need this cleared up)
-Some missed chances for more descriptiveness (Mentioned earlier)
-Characters occasionally going too far out of character (Mentioned earlier)
I think that the little bit between the Spy and Rarity was one of the best parts of this chapter from a writer's standpoint, as it featured the a bit more detail than some of the chapter. I also like how most of the characters are generally written. Little moments like the Sniper and Demo verbally teasing each other and the Pyro lighting the party cannon were fun little additions that were fun to read and helped the story's lighthearted tone shine.
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Okay... I'll admit... Reading most of what you put in there made me feel like i was a terrible writer... And it made me question whether or not i should even continue or if i should just give up and vanish like i've done every other time i join a writing community... But I'll try and make adjustments like this in the future, As i see how they can help/harm my writing... Thanks... And I had hoped that the pyro part would at least bring a smile to someones face... Didn't realize that was one of the ONLY good parts of this chapter... *sigh* i've got alot of work to do... And my confidence in my self and my writing is still at a low... But I'm glad that at least SOME of my work wasn't terrible. It shows improvements from how i was in my previous communities... still... Got a lot of work to do i suppose... Best get started... Mind if i use some of these changes you've given me in the chapter? i get the feeling it could really use the improvement...
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And you didn't really mess up all that much, Your suggestions helped make my story better than the P.O.S that it was previously... If not for you I'd have 10 dislikes and 2 likes... if not less than that in the likes department...
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Sorry, I've been told I can seem harsh. There were a lot more things I liked, such as the way you kept from focusing on one character for too long (I've seen fics with a bunch of main characters do this, and it can get annoying). I just didn't mention them because they were already being done well and had no need to be fixed. I liked the whole chapter, I just wanted to mention some of the moments where it really shines to keep your spirits up since I thought I might come across as harsh if I only mentioned bad things.
You can certainly use the suggestions I made if you'd like. Stay confident, because I like what you've written so far, it just needs refinement.
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Its not that your harsh... Its just my image of myself is rather... poor...
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There is one part of this chapter though that has me rather curious... Did you, by chance, Think it was accurate of me to assume that the Pink Party Pony, Pinkie Pie, Would understand Pyro? I assumed that with everything else she does, what with the appearing out of nowhere and hiding behind things smaller than herself as well as the constant breaking of the fourth wall, It might make sense... But I'm curious as to whether or not I used this correctly or if that was just one giant "What was he thinking" moment... Gah... I hate my second guessing, sometimes... It even bothers ME.
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I completely get ya, I second guess myself a lot as well. But there, Pinkie understanding the Pyro fit so well I didn't need to think twice about it. I loved the continuous switch of he and she
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Hey, Valve themselves messed with the people with meet the pyro, by switching between he and she. So, why wouldn't I? :/
Here's a positive engineer can still build his dispensers, sentry, and teleporters.
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I was hoping someone would point that out... However, a side note, He'll need to re-make all of his original blueprints. they lost everything but a few things when they crossed over, as stated in the first bit of the chapter.