Fade in to the inside of a darkened library, lit only by a few candles placed around the room, in Ponyville where a certain purple unicorn, Who's mane is frazzled from stress and lack of sleep, has her face hidden inside of a book titled “Application of The Theory of Multi-Dimensional Transportation” and where balled up notes have been scattered around the floor.
“Yes... I think I get it now...” The unicorn in question stated, her horn glowing and casting a small amount of light around the room.
“How could I not see it before?! It's so obvious!” She exclaimed, a large smile now growing on her face as she levitated another pad of paper and a quill to herself and writing down another note.
“Twilight? You're still awake?” Yawned a small purple and green baby dragon as he descended the stairs leading down into the library's main room, “What's up with all of the noise? You'll wake up Celestia in her castle if you shout much louder...”
“Of course I'm still awake, Spike!” Twilight half shouted, still smiling that same large, almost crazy with happiness smile, “how could I sleep after I got this door on my bookstep?”
“You... Mean book on your doorstep, I think it's time you get some sleep... you don't look too good...” Spike warned, already cautious of the unicorn mare in front of him, remembering the last time she looked how she did now.
“Sleep? Why would I need sleep? I'm perfectly fine, spike, and besides! I think I may have figured out how to make the spell described in this book work!” Twilight said, her smile growing an extra inch
“Perfectly fine, huh... Go look in the mirror and say that again, you're a wreck.” Spike countered and crosses his arms
“Fine, if it will get you to leave me alone so I can finish my research, I'll go look in the mirror!” Twilight said with no small amount of annoyance before walking into the bathroom and looking in the mirror “I just dont know what could possibly make you-”
Twilight was cut off mid sentence by her appearance in the mirror, taking note of her bloodshot eyes and messed up mane, even having caught sight of that crazy smile.
“See what I mean?” Spike said from the main room, sweeping the balled up papers into a pile before putting them onto the table, “You need sleep.”
“Oh... my... my mane... my EYES...” Twilight muttered to herself, before frowning as a small crack formed in the center of the mirror, “Spike's right... I need sleep...” Twilight admitted to herself before walking out of the bathroom and up the stairs to her bed room.
“About time she went to sleep... I don't think anyone in Ponyville needs to deal with Twilight Spazzle tonight...” Spike said, making sure to say it quiet enough for Twilight to not hear it as he put the book that had been left on the floor onto the table next to the notes before following her up the stairs to go to sleep himself.
Transition to a large, badly worn out wooden building, at around mid-day wherein stood a bipedal man wearing overalls, red goggles and a construction helmet standing next to something large that was covered by a large cloth, standing next to him was a tall man wearing glasses, an all white outfit with the word “Blu” written on the left arm, just beneath a red cross symbol, standing in front of the both of them were 7 more people, each clad in their own unique outfit
“Thank ya'll kindly for coming to see what me and the Doc have been working on, take it away, Medic.” the Jumpsuit wearing man spoke up with his Texan accent before turning to face the medic and giving him a nod
“Danka, mein hard hatted friend!” The tall man said with a German accent before turning to address the group.
“I do not wish to keep you all waiting, so I will cut to ze chase... The robotic minions of Grey Mann have been growing in difficulty to keep contained every time they come back, and we 9 are all that remains of the resistance...” The medic stated before turning his head to the jumpsuit clad man, signalling it was his turn to speak
“Both Reds and Blu's have suffered large losses from those metal varmints, so the doc and I have been buildin' a way to get us out of this war without having to fight our way through Saxton Hale's “desertion” penalty...” the jumpsuit clad man said before shuddering, having remembered what happened to the last man to try and leave.
“Come on, get to the point hard hat,” the smallest of the group said with no small amount of annoyance, “Did ya call us here just to remind us that every minute we sit here is another minute those robots move that bomb closer to us or are you going to actually say somethin' interesting?”
"Sit your self down mister before ya'll bring about my boot to kick that sorry behind of yours, Scout... I'm getting to the point” The man wearing the overalls returned before turning back to the rest of the group, “What we have designed is a long distance Teleporter, much like my own design, but made so that we can all escape this war, seeing as it's more likely that we would get butchered if we stayed than left.”
“Are you sure zis vill vork, Engineer?” the largest of the group said with a Russian accent, before eying the tarp covering the machine warily...
“We have NO idea...” Both the engineer and the medic replied before pulling the tarp off of the machine, revealing what would appear to be a doorway inside of a giant metal frame with a large coil on each side of said frame and a sign above the doorway that stated "vacant".
“Only one way to find out, no?” Another of the group said with a thick french accent.
“All righty then... Stand back everyone...” The engineer said as he grabbed ahold of a lever on the side of the strange doorway.
Equestria
FIVE MINUTES PRIOR, OUTSIDE OF THE LIBRARY
“Thank you all for coming, I promise I'll make this quick, because I know you're busy, Applejack,”Twilight said, regarding the orange pony
“I can catch up my work on the farm any time, Twi... But all the same, It would be mighty fine if you would speed it up...” Applejack replied with a nod and a tip of her hat
“Of course, I wouldn't want to keep you waiting.” Twilight said before giving her focus back to the other 4 ponies in the group as well, “I have been working constantly in the past 24 hours to get a surprise ready for-” she was unable to finish her tangaent, however, as a pink earth pony in the group suddenly began to make a squealing noise
“OOOOH! A surprise?! Whatisit,becauseilovesurprises,wellexceptforbeestings,becausenobodylovesthose,infactsomeponiesareactuallyallergictobeestings,soiguessidontreallylikeALLsurprisesand-”Her sentence is muffled by a cyan colored pegasus with a rainbow mane clamping down both hooves over her mouth.
“Eeaaasy there, Pinkie, we can talk about... Whatever you were just talking about... Later, let Twilight finish what she's doing...” The pegasus said, giving twilight a look that said “Hurry up already!"
“R-right... As I was saying... I've spent the past 24 hours getting this ready, I've been reading up on a book that presents Theories of Inter-Dimensional Transportation and all of its possible uses, and with it I've managed to perfect, I hope, a spell that will allow for travel between dimensions!” Twilight said with an undeniable note of pride in her voice
“Well, as strange as that sounded Twi, I think we should get this show on the road before Rainbow Dash loses her grip on Pinkie...” Applejack said to the unicorn, watching Rainbow now struggling to keep Pinkie from going ballistic.
“Well, alright then... Stand back everypony...” Twilight said as her horn began to glow
Back with Engie
“Lets get going!” The Engineer said as he pulled down on the lever
A bright light begins to appear in the doorway as well as in front of Twilight as both machine and magic do what they do best...
Before the engineer can celebrate his machine working, however, he begins to hear a sliding sound from his feet, which, when he looks down to investigate, reveals that the sliding sound is him and everyone else in the room being pulled into the doorway
“MONDIEU!” The French accented man from before shouted at the top of his lungs as the pull increased threefold in power, dragging all of them through it and through to the other side...
I've is always capitalized.
I is always capitalized.
The word Don't requires the apostrophe.
Also, names like the Engineer and the Medic are capitalized as shown.
3112489
thank you kindly for your time. i hope you can enjoy my writing, even though i have NEVER done something quite like this... im used to writing about characters i create, not using characters other people have made... to be honest the entire situation kinda freaks me out a little, but the challenge of doing something new is going to be what keeps me going... that and i have every weekday from here until december free right now.
3112489
im currently working on chapter 2, its on my pastebin right now if you'd care to give it a look through... you seem to be rather good at proof-reading... im not.
3112508 Not a problem. (As long as it isn't MiE, you're okay in my book)
3112527
...you're going to think im stupid for this but... what is MiE?
3112527
all i know of these acronyms is AiE HiE and thats about it... ._. so i know Mie is something in equestria... but what?
3112531 Marine in Equestria.
Thirty fics, same premise. It's boring and overused by Call of Duty children.
Also, I don't think of you as stupid.
3112536
its using Team fortress 2, so it has SOME aspects that are somewhat like that... but i swear i'm going to be as original as i can... ^.^ if im not original, i'm never me.
3112525 And finally, since hogging comments is apparently my would-be cutie-mark, sure, I wouldn't mind proofreading.
3112555
if i lose originality i will eat engineers hard hat. .-.
3112555
judging by how long you've been gone the sheer amount of issues you've found must be astronomical... not a big surprise considering i had to go back and correct 50+ spelling and capitalization issues just to publish this story.
3112608
What if I told you..
I was actually making a comment on your blog post.
That's what happens to me at 12:00 AM.
I get confuzzled.
3112624>>3112624
meh. i can relate... seeing as i just spent 10 minutes wondering "wait, why is chapter two so much longer?" then i realized... chapter 1 was just the intro... ._. longer chapters to come... yaaaaay... i get to try and make all of my capitals and spelling correct for 2k+ chapters... YAAAAAAAAAY...
3112654 Well the proofread wasn't perfect, still some minor things, but that can be done after chapter 2.
So tired.
3112691
you dont have to man, you've already helped me MORE than enough... i probably shouldnt have asked in the first place, i feel rather rude for doing so actually...
3112694 Aight, last tip before bed.
Try enabling Auto-Capitalization if your PC has it, Auto-Correct is a win-lose kind of deal. Also, something I decided to do, if you play any games on PC, or go on youtube and have an account, make a comment, good or bad, but try to make it lengthy and spelled correctly. Do this a whole lot and you'll get in the groove of apostrophes and spelling of words.
P.S:Don't take tips from YouTube or any game. Those people spell horribly
Good night.
3112726g
g'night man. thanks for all of your help.
The punctuation here disturbs me.
Ah okay okay, I think I get it. You're going for a show type theme describing camera shots of various scenes and then continuing with the events that are happening in the scene. However there are mistakes they are hard to notice and can be mistaken as something else, I could be wrong as I'm reading this at midnight but, it's a good story you have a great plot and all. Just one question, ever thought of putting in the part where Twilight actually finds the book? And what about putting Engi's idea to escape Mann co in the description. As I've read this I can understand the down votes it's received, but I can not for the life of me figure out why only 6 people have voted on it. 7 if you include me. I would recommend getting someone to edit your story but I'm afraid they may alter it too much. While I'm writing this big paragraph mine as well put my thoughts into it as well... Twilight should be struggling to cast an inter dimensional spell as you're effectively breaking a hole in an extremely strong and thick barrier that constantly repairs itself at a near instantaneous rate, and you said Engi's machine was a doorway, you need to describe it more, is it a literal door? Is it like the teleported entrances/exits he usually builds? Or is it like something off Stargate?
...Jesus my mind is complicated...
And just to be a pest, you have to capitalise:
3122087
...i've got you saying its better, and i've got him saying its worse... im so very confused that it hurts... i'm not going to ask you to check this one like you did the previous one, that would be rude of me, but if you could offer a couple of pointers in the area's i done goofed the most, i'd appreciate it greatly...
3122053
Also, the reason they all quickly stopped fighting goes under the White Mage principal from final fantasy... if you've only got one, you do NOT want to mess with the white mage and you listen to what the white mage sais without question... medic was the white mage for the tf2 cast... and the reason why heavy was so late to respond is, he's a fairly large man, most people say he has giganticism or however you spell it, and with some organs and other things being weaker despite his large size... well... its amazing he recovered as quickly as he did. the reason why the spell knocked Twilight out as it did was because it didnt just have the power from her spell itself, it also had the power from the engineers machine going haywire and drawing in way more power than necessary, thus why they all got pulled in as they did... it pulled in a large amount of air from the area, and its like the pyros airblast... only about 10x more powerful, all at once and in a concentrated area... get why the knockback was as damaging as it was? furthermore, on the quick intervention note, if a blinding explosion knocked one of your best friends out and the apparent cause for it was moving towards said best friend, wouldnt you do what you could to protect them, plus the questioning of lack of threat... this is going on the theory that none of the equestrians have ever even HEARD of humans... alien species walking towards an injured friend... WARNING. BELLS. TF2 cast, just watched their only medic get smacked through the air like a rock launched from a slingshot... need i say more?
3122097
I would totally proofread it! I don't mind at all!
Just.. Maybe tomorrow. I had a tough day.
Looking at pictures of Corgi's and reading fanfiction is tough.
3122162
like i said, i dont want to ask you to. that'd be rude of me. i'm going to have to learn how to do this kinda stuff myself so i dont look like some jack who makes someone proof-read his terrible story quality.