Pony Battle! (VS Rarity)
The cold night air nipped at Travis suddenly as he opened the door to the roof. He had half a mind to draw his jacket closed, but he remembered that it’d make him not look cool. He compromised, zipping his jacket half-closed, leaving the yellow letters “NMH” exposed. Yeah, that looked pretty badass.
The roof itself was huge—perfect arena for a fight should one occur. In the center of it stood a huge statue of that... pony... moon... goddess-queen-princess-whatever whose name escaped Travis at present. Beds of nocturnal flowers added some serenity to the overall scene, colored in ghostly lights by the moon shining above. A path was outlined before him, with pony-shaped, well-dressed mannequins standing at either side like resolute guards. And there, at the other end of the rooftop sitting atop multiple bags of what Travis guessed to be money, was Rarity.
She wore a billowing magenta dress with black leggings on all her fours, an equally black tie around her neck with a neat bow and long tails. Her wide-brimmed hat—also magenta—held white roses within its again-black band. The magenta did wonders with the moonlight pouring down on her, the black accents going hand-in-hand with her dark mane and pearl-white pelt.
All told, let it never be said Rarity couldn’t dress for shit.
She looked to Travis as he stopped just before her mannequins. “…So,” she said.
Travis nodded. “…So,” he said back.
“I take it you aren’t the artistic type,” Rarity said as she repositioned herself.
“I didn’t come here to talk about art,” Travis said almost spitefully. He reached for his Tsubaki Mk. III, his hand hovering just above it. “I came here to kill you.”
Rarity stared at Travis as he drew his Tsubaki, the bright green light of its blade coming to life with a sound like a tearing of space. Her heart pounded against her chest as she realized what was about to happen, but kept her face as still and nonchalant as she could. “I suppose it’s too late for apologies or explanations,” she said. “But if it’s convenient for you, darling, do you mind telling me who sent you?”
“No one.” Travis took a step forward.
Rarity gulped, a bead of sweat rolling down her temple. She sighed, then stood up. “…I see. Care to tell me why you’re asking for this?” Her horn began to glow a dull blue color.
Travis took another step forward. “Because you ponies are seriously fucking me over back home.” Another step.
Rarity snorted. “Such barbaric language! And in front of a lady, no less!” The glow of her horn intensified as a moneybag was lifted into the air. “I’ll have to wash your mouth out with punishment!”
The punishment came at a speed Travis didn’t anticipate—the moneybag’s open mouth facing him, rapidly spitting gold coins like bullets from a machine gun. The first few coins bounced off his face, leaving small bruises. He rolled out of the way until Rarity ran out of money. With a quick dash, Travis was able to reach her before she could lift another moneybag. He lunged for the moneybag first, destroying it with a single swing, releasing an ocean of gold coins in every direction.
He brought the Tsubaki back up, only to gasp in surprise when he noticed Rarity had teleported away. “You'll have to try harder to keep up, darling,” she said, causing Travis to jump. Her voice seemed to come from everywhere at once.
Travis gripped his Tsubaki cautiously as he looked around. Fantastic, he thought. More teleporting enemies. I thought I was done with that bullshit since beating that Jasper Batt punk!
One of the mannequins moved. Travis leapt off the pile of moneybags and brought his Tsubaki down—
—only to find that “Rarity” really was one of the mannequins. By the time Travis realized this, he felt a warmth around his feet. Before he could react, he was flipped into the air, crashing onto the rooftop and dropping his Tsubaki.
“You could have just decapitated the thing!” Rarity chided as Travis reached for his Tsubaki. “That dress was one-of-a-kind, and you ruined it! It! Is! ON!”
As he got back up, flashes of gold coins ricocheted off the ground around him. Travis gasped in surprise, then rolled out of the way before he could get pummeled by the incoming money missiles. He got back up to his feet and ran, a trail of screaming coins tracing the path behind him. He looked to the pile of moneybags and saw that quite a few of them were being lifted and fired off simultaneously, with no Rarity in sight.
“You rich girl types are all the same,” he said as he ran by the mannequins, ducking under the coin-fire. “You just throw money at any problem and hope it goes away!”
He heard Rarity huff. “What makes you think I'm the rich girl type?" she sneered, her voice again coming from multiple directions. “Unlike those spoiled brats born and raised in mansions or castle spires, I worked hard for my money and fame.” Travis stopped, swinging his Tsubaki to parry several coins before darting into a different direction.
“My fashion designs are worth fortunes now!” she continued. “I’m working my tail off building a fashion empire with my artistic vision and talent as its base. It took me long enough to get this far—and no sword-swinging, self-centered simpleton is going to mess everything up for me now!”
The gold coins stopped firing, only for the mannequins to glow a dull blue. Before Travis could react, the mannequins were on him, their wooden appendages striking his legs and torso. Their last blow knocked him flat on his back, sending him skidding across the ground. He heard the low hum of a unicorn glow as the mannequins chased him. Travis corrected his balance, flipping back up to his feet with ease, and sliced the closest mannequin in half before darting away.
Travis ducked, rolled, and then dived, dodging coins and mannequins, behind the huge statue on the middle of the rooftop. He tried to recollect himself, breathing heavily from this constant exertion. He hadn’t had this much excitement since his last Ranking Battle! To think a stupid pony could give him a run for his money… he assumed he was rusty. A year spent not assassinating anyone could do that to a guy.
Okay, he thought, this chick is seriously pissing me off. Think, Travis! If you were a unicorn/mad artist who could teleport and levitate stuff with your mind, where would you hide?
He waited a few seconds for his mind to produce a proper response, but his brain was apparently running on outdated dial-up. In Australia. Travis groaned as he looked up—
—and saw Rarity looking down at him from where she sat catlike atop the statue’s back, her face contorted into a monstrous smile he had no idea a pony could make. “BOO!” she hissed. She laughed as Travis stepped back in surprise.
Her horn glowed once more. The statue was washed by that same dull blue from before.
“Oh fuck,” Travis murmured as he realized what was happening. He darted away as the statue unfurled its wings and took its first few steps forward. “You gotta be shitting me!”
“You don’t learn, do you, darling?” Rarity asked from her perch. She watched Travis run before sniffing and making a commanding wave of her hoof. The Luna statue’s joints groaned as its metal movements drew it closer to the fleeing assassin. Before long, the statue was running full-speed.
Travis was approaching the end of the rooftop as he heard the statue’s groaning movements catch up to him. With a ducking roll, he managed to dodge getting trampled underhoof. He watched as the statue ran right off the roof, falling out of sight. He laughed. “Serves you right, bitch!”
Travis’ laugh ended abruptly when he saw the statue fly right back up with an iron scream accompanying every beat of its giant wings. It dove for him as he rolled out of the way for dear life. He could hear Rarity humming “Ride of the Valkyries” as she swooped past, clearly enjoying herself too much.
Travis watched the statue fly past the rooftop, banking as it turned around. He needed a new plan, a new approach to beat this clever telekinetic enemy. His eyes brightened as an idea came to him suddenly, followed by a manic grin.
As the Luna statue dove for him once more, Travis ran to meet it instead of running away. Rarity pursed her lips at her opponent’s foolish little game of chicken, snorted, and increased the speed of her dive. The night sky screamed past her as—just before the statue could collide with its target—Travis slid on his knees like a rock star, shooting underneath the statue.
Before she could figure out what Travis just did, Rarity saw a long, powerful shaft of hard red light.
Travis watched the statue as its two halves crashed into the mannequins, knocking everything into a chaotic mess with a godlike sound. The ten-foot-long blade of the Peony hummed menacingly as he stood back up. He looked behind himself and saw that the statue wasn’t the only thing he’d cut in half. Nonchalantly, Travis turned off the Peony and put it back on his belt. He began to make his way to the rooftop’s exit, but stopped when he heard something behind him.
The Peony was back in his hands and alive again in the blink of an eye. Travis turned around and saw Rarity slowly making her way to him with hobbled steps. Her horn glowed, but then again, so did the rest of her body. “I guess I was wrong about you,” she groaned.
Travis cocked an eybrow. “How so?”
“That you weren't the artistic type. That stunt you pulled just now was nothing short of fabulous. I realize now that we are simply artists of different media, different forms of expression. Mine is fashion. Yours? Violence.” She coughed, blood beginning to dribble onto her chin. “And I hate to sound like an unappreciative philistine, but I still don’t get it. Why? Why are you doing this? What's your point?”
Travis once again “sheathed” the Peony. “Where I’m from, you ponies have become so popular, you’ve infected every aspect of my culture. Every comic book, every TV show, every message forum. You’re like some kind of religion to your so-called ‘fanbase’.”
He turned his back to Rarity like a motherfucker, raising his thumb. “I’m here...”
He turned his thumb down.
“...to topple their pop-culture pony pantheon.”
With that, Travis Touchdown once again made for the exit.
“Hey.”
He stopped, but didn’t turn.
“…Fuck you,” Rarity said, followed by a small cough. The low hum stopped, followed by the sound of something wet splashing the rooftop. Rarity's two halves fell to each side with a thick plop. Then silence.
Travis Touchdown shook his head. “Such barbaric language. And from the mouth of a lady, no less.” He left the building, the rooftop a scene of carnage.
RARITY
NOT ALIVE
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And then Rarifags lost it.
Wait. If here is two halves of Rarity, then it means she gonna make herself into two cyberselves, like New Destroymen.
Well, Rarifags still lost it.
Whoa, all this time, and I haven't even joined the comments on my own work! Let's dive right in.
3120232
I'm assuming it's because people think it's a trollfic. "Hark! I doth see before me now, a scripture of dubious origin. Within it contained is a preposterous literature, meant, perchance, to seek, to obtain my attention in ways considered most cheeky. I shan't reward such debauchery! Down, thumb! Down! And may it teach this author well, to not post such refuse upon these noble webs!"
3120250
And none of it could be possible without your talent for zeroing in on something pointless and stupid, that I may strike it down.
3120286
Let 'em whine.
3121877
Stick around. Each confrontation against the Mane Six is gonna blow your pants off.
3121947
That's actually kind of my point with Travis. He's unintentionally being a huge hypocrite. He's doing this whole assassination run because he thinks ponies have ruined otakudom forever, without actually realizing that the kinds of things most nerds are into are ridiculous anyway.
3122717
I'd have to say... Probably Travis. The fact is, neither of them can actually "die" -- Deadpool has his healing factor, but Travis is immortal, as proven by how much punishment he can survive. Deadpool might be able to teleport, but remember that his teleportation powers tend to malfunction when he attempts three teleports in a row.
All in all, though, that's a fight I'd pay moneys to see.
3161064
Why is she Rarifags all of a sudden?
Rarity is best pony. 
I thank all of you for your continued support of this... unusual fanfic I've created. If you enjoyed this one, please check out some of the other fics I've written in the sidebar! That is, uh, if you don't mind...
That is the least amount of swears I've ever seen in a sentence talking about that motherfucking Jasper Batt Jr bitch.
Oh man, that was awesome.
This is one of the most badass fictions I have ever read
I can only imagine what the battle against pinkie will be like.
I can't wait.
A premise like this would usually get made into a trollfic. Or some haters circlejerk.
This story is not like that at all. It could pander to them, maybe, but the glorious truth is, that it's awesome, and it has people waiting for more. I already knew you were the shit when you started Tiger and Demon. But this was an awesome little find.
The fun part would be if someone made an animation for this, and I showed it to my pony-hating friends and I told them Rarity could actually do the shit she did in this story.
(Personally though, as a fan, here's to hopefully seeing Travis get his ass kicked hard by RD.)
Good shit baby. Update when you can.
3260772
You have no idea how much you brightened my day by posting this. Here I was, thinking nobody cared about that story! I'm actually beavering away at the final installment to its current arc and planning out the third arc. You can finally expect another T&D coming soon.
If Rarity gave him that much of a fight, Twilight would reduce him to a paste in seconds, would not want to be Tavis when that fight starts.
This story may not be huge on detail, but that just helps it fit the tone of the game even better, the "story" is just an excuse for awesome battles and witty dialog.
Honestly I think philistine would be more fitting for the fight.
3162245 Yep. There should be at least 80 or so more.
3983870
4027309 Brand X, Brand X,
It's simple and plain.
Brand X, Brand X,
It's different but all the same.
Oh GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!
So this is how this is gonna work huh? Epic fight scene's with the characters we love ending in the gory deaths of the characters we love... How much more of a mixed bag of bittersweet could this idea be? 
NOOOOOOO! 
Oh who am I kidding RARITY!!!
(What was the music? the link wouldn't let me follow it)