The Legend of Zelda: A Derp to the Past (The Fanfic Version)

by FictionaryThought

It's just an enemy sprite... right?

On the look out for the one who killed Uncle, Derpy walked through the door way. She wasn’t quite sure how she was holding a sword in her left hoof, but she didn’t really care. Everypony in Equestria knew that hooves somehow defied such logic. She did however wonder how she was carrying a lantern when, like previously mentioned, she didn’t have pockets. But she could ask someone that later.

Right now, she only cared about where to find the killer. In front of her was a flight of stairs that lead to the floor above. And to her left was a guard. His sword was perfectly polished, clearly not used. Still, maybe she could get some answers.

She tip-hooved over to the guard while his back was turned, then bucked his helmet with her hind hooves, knocking him down to the stone floor. A loud groan and the clatter of his armor was all the response he could muster. She flipped him over so his back was to the ground, and his face to hers.

“Who killed the man in the hallway behind me!?” She lifted her sword. “You have 10 seconds to tell me!”

There was a period of silence, and then a chuckle from the guard. The chuckle turned into a cackle, and then to the laugh of a madman, filled with the desire to cut something while smiling. Derpy could only see the guard’s eyes through his helmet, but she knew he was insane. “Could you do it?” He asked. “Could you kill something, despite coming from such a peaceful land?”

“How do you know about that?” She asked, not sure how to feel.

“They say the greatest trick a demon can pull is convince the world he doesn’t exist. Agahnim has seen your kind before, he knows how you came to this world, and he has blessed his followers with the same knowledge.” He chuckled some more. “This certainly isn’t the first time he’s gone against Hyrule, wether you know it or not.” He reached for his sword without drawing attention from the young mare. “And from what I know, you don’t seem like you’d wanna do… THIS!!” He swung his sword at Derpy.

Noticing the blade quickly with her lazy eye, she dodged, rolling to the side, and bumping into the wall beside her.

The guard got up much faster than she expected, swinging his sword once again, only to get blocked by Derpy’s shield. “Prove your anger, and KILL ME!!” He challenged, hoping to see someone’s blood spilled on the floor. He shoved her to the side with his arm against her shield, showing he was stronger than Derpy had anticipated.

As the guard ran up to Derpy, she leaped over him, using her wings to get a good amount of distance between the two. Skidding to a halt at the end of the hallway, she noticed an unlit torch to her left, as well as another guard. Following her instinct, she held her sword to the side, preparing for what came next.

Both guards ran full speed towards her, not expecting her to pivot on the back of her left rear hoof, performing a pirouette while using the sword in her left hoof to cut through the armer of both guards at once.

The guards winced, falling on their rears as they felt the cuts that’d been firmly placed in their chests.

Derpy trotted up the the guard in front of her. “Feel like talking now?”

“That move…” He said, looking at the blood coming out of his chest. “Who taught you that move? Only royal guards know the spin attack.”

“I figured it out on my own. Now tell me who killed Uncle!”

He laughed. “I still doubt you could enact revenge.” He said, thinking that this flesh wound was all the damage the grey mare could deal.

Meanwhile, the guard behind her tried to back stab her with his sword. Armor is far from stealthy though, so she turned to him, and thrusted her sword through the tear in his armor, fataly injuring him, and ending his life.

After shoving the guard’s corpse off of her blade, Derpy turned around to face the guard she was previously talking to. “Still having doubts?” She asked.

The guard was baffled. A creature from a world of peace, killing someone? “What are you?” He asked.

Thrusting her sword into his chest, but avoiding anything vital, she responded. “A sword carrying pony who cares about the lives of others. I don’t care if what I’m doing is wrong in the minds of my peers. So long as I know that I’m keeping others safe, I’m fine with taking your life.” Pulling the sword out, she prepared to stab something much more vital. “Now answer me! Where is the one who killed Uncle!?”

He knew she wasn’t bluffing this time. “He was stationed in the first basement below floor 1 in the castle. There’s a chest containing a map in the room next to the one he's in. Before you kill me though, please, remove my helmet.”

Not taking any chances, she took his sword, and threw it out of reach, then removed his helmet. He seemed like a normal human with short dark brown hair, brown eyes, and a scar above his left eye.

“Why did you want your helmet off?” She asked.

He smiled. “I’m human, just like your precious Uncle was. If you kill me, does that make you any better than the guard who killed him?”

“The difference between you guards and uncle, is that he just wanted to make sure the princess was safe, while the rest of you blindly serve Agahnim, killing whoever he asks you to. I can justify killing you, what’s your excuse?”

He chuckled. “I don’t need one. I kill because it’s fun, and because it pleases Agahnim for me to do so. I do it because in my mind it feels right.”

“Well you’re wrong.” She said before stabbing once more, piercing his heart.

After laying his corpse down to the floor, Derpy trotted over to the near by chest and got a blue rupee from it. She may’ve killed two people, but at least she had the equivalent of 5 rupees in her wallet now.

Author's Note:

This is basically making fun of how some games just make you throw out the moral compass. In A Link to the Past, all the guards in Hyrule castle and beyond started out innocent men who protected their kingdom. But now that they're working for the bad guy, it's a-ok for the player to violently kill as many of them as they please, with no repercussions of any kind.

Similarly, the original plot of Super Mario Bros was that Bowser had cursed the populous of the Mushroom Kingdom, turning them into brick blocks. What do you take the time to destroy when playing Super Mario in search of power ups? Brick blocks. The player kills hundreds of Mushroom People, or Toads if you will, without even knowing it.

Sure, you could complain that my characterization of Derpy in this chapter is inaccurate, but in order to be accurate to the game I'm putting her in, I have to throw away my moral compass, like any player did when playing this game, and let our favorite wall eyed mare kill brain washed humans. Video game logic!

Comments

[derpydad]

video game logic is stupid and and violent and is no way following derpy or MLP

[FictionaryThought]

3091556 Well what would you have me do then? If throwing a pot at a guard kills them in one hit, Derpy would just end up killing a guard by accident when trying to knock him out. Add this to the fact that she has to slay Gannon eventually. Plus, I'm basing this on actual gameplay. When you think about it, you'd have to make a lot of changes just to make it less violent. And furthermore, she has a sword. I'm not just gonna sensor the fact that she's carrying a weapon. She's armed, and I'm gonna make sure she uses her weapon realistically.

Still, video game logic is stupid. I won't argue with that. Trust me though, the way the game actually ends does justify all this. I won't spoil it of course, but just know that this isn't the end.

[derpydad]

3094285 I would never ask anypony to censor what they write the last Zelda game I played , gamestop gave away with Halo or MW 2 so im not that famaliar with the game but please give us more

[FictionaryThought]

3107010 Moar chapters are on their way, promise.